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ILS - What happened yesterday?
January 27, 2005
12:26 pm
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dustygirl
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saw what you wrote on No contact Thursday - are you okay today?

January 27, 2005
12:29 pm
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ILSILS
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yeah read aces post DTEE SOMEONE HELP WITH THIS
i wrote it all out. then check back,
how are you?

January 27, 2005
1:53 pm
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ILSILS
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so anyhow, im feeling stronger today. its going ok for me, just having my normal ups and downs, finally comming to a ralization that i doubt he is going to change, it hurts, i dont want to let go of all the things i thought we would one day share with eachother, it seems ok when we spend time togeather, but there is still so much missing, and still so many things that i wish wernt happening. his friend called yesterday and they were talking about his little motorcycle thing he wants to start with his ex drug buddy and womanizer, i get the feeling that this is going to be where he will be putting most of his motivation and time. im realizing how much i have settled for, and yet am so conflicted about concidering devorce, it seems like such a hassle to have to endure, pluss again it would mean i have excepted and admited defeat, wich is hard to do, then there is all the fears, fears that he will stop being what little bit of a father he is all togeather, fears about money, fears of loosing our friendship, fears of being devorced, so many fears so little time. but i realize i am stuck, stuck because i am eaither in or out, i cant try to move on with him still in my life, but i cant except it how it is.

January 27, 2005
2:10 pm
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Refuse2GiveUp
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ILSILS-

I'm sorry things are not working out the way you had hoped. It's so hard to deal with all this happening at once. I am glad to hear you are feeling stronger today. Sometimes that's all we can do, take it one day at a time.

You will make it through, and remember that everything happens for a reason. At least that is how I see it, I'm not sure how you see it because not everyone feels that way. But hopefully, in the future, all of this turns out for the best. You are a strong person, and I hope you know that we are here for you and we are listening.

Did you see him over the weekend? Last Friday I was discussing with you whether or not you were going to use your night for yourself or try to talk with him.

Refuse2GiveUp

p.s. forgive me if I can't respond right away, I am at work.

January 27, 2005
2:18 pm
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ILSILS
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yeah i ended up going to see him on sunday finally, i blew him off for 2 days, didnt do a whole latta good, but i dunno maby it did, well thank you all for being here for me. it so nice to know i have somewhere i can be comforted and not judged.

January 27, 2005
3:33 pm
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dustygirl
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Hi Ils - your doing fine and I understand the fears. I divorced my husband of 14 years and that was really difficult for me as I had to come to accept that I failed. But you know - you pick yourself up and move on and know and believe that there is something and someone better out there who deserves what you have to offer. You will be okay - I Promise!!

My advice is that you really just need to backoff from your husband - I mean make him miss you and make the effort. He will - he's just playing games with you right now as he knows you will be there. He also has the typical male ego thing going on that you left him so he's got to prove that he "doesn't need you". He may be trying to convince himself of that, but when he see's that you actually mean business, he will be there - and if not - Ils, HE'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.

I am trying my best to do little things daily for me. My b/f did come out last night (wasn't the huge effort you may think - he had dinner out my way with him Mom so he was in the area). He did end up spending the night which probably was an effort for him, but he also got sex in return for that effort. I am not really mad at myself today as I know that I have made a point of not running to him like I have in the past - but I still have allot of anxiety as I know if his wife calls and wants to reconcile - he will go. I want so much to continue day by day, step by step to do things that help me let go of him.

When the urge is so great to call him, really anylize what your going to get out of the call and why you want to call and if need be get away from the phone. Even if you postpone the call for 30 minutes, it's 30 minutes longer and each day you try and increase it by 15 minutes. It's hard - but this morning he was going to call at 6am -at 6:30 I was chomping at the bit to call but made myself wait 15 minutes and thank god he called first. I was proud of the fact that I didn't appear needy. doesn't seem like much but at the moment I feel good about me which is something that doesn't happen too often.

Sorry this is so long - but just hang in there, know that you are loved and your doing a great job. Remember, the power is yours - you are the one that left him.

January 27, 2005
3:37 pm
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ILSILS
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thank you dusty, i feel like you and i are on the same page some. so let me ask you, when you did get divorced was it as much of a hassle as you had expected? or was it easier then you thought? the hole cort thing is the picture i have in my mind. not that im saying im ready. i do feel like he is playing games with me. im going to try my best. how did you cope with the feeling of admiting defeat from marrage, how did you finally just give up?

January 27, 2005
3:48 pm
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dustygirl
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Thank God my ex and I were able to remain civil through it all (no children so that was a big plus). We didn't even have an attorney so I was fortunate in that aspect.

I don't know if I have completely come to terms with admitting defeat in my marriage. I still have allot of guilt but I also didn't make the effort to fix it like you are doing. I just left and didn't want to try anymore - that had allot to do with I was having an affair. You are making an effort - you still want things to work out and you will get to the point when you realize that you are the one that has given and given in the relationship and if you do decide on getting a divorce you will have known that you did everything you possibly could have and you'll be okay with yourself.

Just for now, don't worry about how you will feel - you really don't know until the time comes, if it comes. Just take each day at a time and put yourself first and your children. I have noticed that since my b/f's wife has grown more independent and self confident in herself, he now wants to think about working things out - when she was needy of him, he didn't want anything to do with her. Just some words of wisdom. Hate it, but it's true.

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