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ils checking in for my daily dose of reality
January 25, 2005
2:28 pm
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ILSILS
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hi all,
so glad everyone is here today,
feeling a little melencholy. getting warmer ourside, like that,
havnt heard from the husband yet toady, thinking it because he knows i might come over tonight, he shure loves keeping me on my toes. i hate this game,
dont call me and ill call you, visa versa,
really wishing we could just be cowards or coragous enough to just say hey i want to be with you, oh i want to be with you too.
hate this feeling of i only want you when you dont want me? am i rambling?
anyhow, not positive yet aces if your reading this you know what i mean, still dont know, but chooing not to worrie too much for now.
is everyone getting along today?

January 25, 2005
2:32 pm
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Anonymous
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Well we will see won't we Ils, and it is just a game. Look how much pain I dealt with this morning just out of nowhere, I feel a lot better now, but it was a enough to make me want to actually call him and thank god I haven't because having him my life does not help me. You say that you want to be with your husband, and I want to ask you to list the reasons why, either on here or to yourself and really look at those reasons.

January 25, 2005
2:43 pm
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ILSILS
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husband good:
dosnt cheat,
has lots of energy
good in bed,
allwayse invites me where he is going
and i mean allwase
never gives up on marrage, at least verbally never calls it quits,
makes beautifull babies, smart ones too
gives great back rubs
isnt conceted
can be realllllly sweet when he wants too
motivated to work
dresses well
has close family
im close with his family
we have worked through alot
likes some of the same things as me
stayes out of other peoples buisness
now is thinking of our finantial future

January 25, 2005
2:48 pm
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Anonymous
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I find it sad that NO WHERE in there did you say, he cares for me, he listens, he is my best friend, I can tell him anything.

January 25, 2005
2:57 pm
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ILSILS
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i agree, you dont even want to know the husband bad list

January 25, 2005
3:16 pm
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ILSILS
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oh yeah i forgot to add one major thing on the good list,

i want him around because im a lazy scared, pathetic co-dep, who has no life or identity outside of someone else, who has no self esteem with out someone, and let my fear of being alone continue to keep me settling for less

ok yeah im being hard on myself

January 25, 2005
3:19 pm
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Anonymous
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Yes you hard, too hard we all make mistakes but in essence I don't feel they are mistakes I feel they are in our life so we learn from them that is all. You are nothing you described. You just love a lot and if you do have no self esteem it is because he has made it to where you feel like you aren't worth it.

January 25, 2005
3:29 pm
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ILSILS
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thanks again aces,
i wish he was different, i really do, i see other couples or tv or whatever and think man, wish my man would do x.y.z.
and then there are the trimes i feel so sorry for him
ie: never had a dad, moms a waacko,being molested
and i think, man heis doing pretty well considering what he has and what he has been taought
dont know where feeling bad for someone and finding that they arnt changing, and i dont know how long i want to settle,
i go back and forth alot

January 26, 2005
12:31 pm
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dustygirl
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just checking in on you Ilsils...are you doing okay?

I didn't go and see my b/f last night - I could tell he was a bit caught off guard that I didn't gorunning to him, but I just didn't want him to "win" for once.

I also told him how hurt and angry I was at him and that my feelings never seem to be a consideration. He apologized, but it's just not enough anymore.

He said he was coming out to see me tonight. We talked a little bit about how he was feeling after spending 5 hours with the wife - still confused I think and his ego is bruised because she's not clammoring to come back. I still think they will reconcile but she would honsetly be stupid too.

I am so sick of being strung along until he figures things out. I slept great last night knowing that for once I wasn't his door mat. I know I will probably be the doormat tonight or tomorrow but atleast I know Ihave some strenght in me.

How was your evening? Did you see your husband? Hope your okay today.

January 26, 2005
12:46 pm
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ILSILS
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hi dusty girl,
im so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so PROUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD FOR YOU. way to go, so he is driving all the way to you huh? FABULOUS. at least it shows some effort on his part, finalllllly. great,big smile on my face. you arnt the door mat today, be carefull however, dont get the hopes up to high, you have a fifty fifty chance he wont show,just a warning, set yourself up for it just incase so you wont get crushed. sounds like he will come but you never know, if he was reluctant before to make the trip he may be reluctant again expecially if the wife calls or something. keep him around if you really like him, but you have a change now to try to just keep him when its convenient for you. sounds nasty but hey he shouldnt dish out what he cant take in. hah
i did go see the hubby last night. check the post good morning sunshine, i just finished it.
glad to see strength today. liberating huh? so proud!

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