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II NEED HELP WITH THIS DECISION
October 26, 2006
10:18 pm
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penny lane
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Do I sleep with him again or not?? That is the question...I have begun a relationship with a man who lives far from my home and visits for business...he is currently seperated and living apart from his wife...but in the process of a divorce...he says he is crazy about me but has yet to ask me up to his city...he is coming here next week and is looking forward to staying with me for a day and one half...then he flyes out...I have slept with him once..but now I feel very bad and anxious ...I hate the way I feel ...I want to sleep with him and be close but I dont ...I am getting emotionally involved and anxious about his whereabouts when he is not here...we dont know each other that well...but I am attracted on many levels and for many reasons.

I think I should tell him to get a hotel room for that night...we can be together and have dinner but not sleep together..I may have been moving tooo fast and now want to pull back to save my feelings...he will be angry...I orginially thought he would have more time with me on this visit and I was disappointed to learn we only had the one day and night. I gave him the question of monogamy...he said we should just relax and let our relationship grow...maybe I have no patience....I am afterall a co-dependent.

I need some input and advice...I dont want to get hurt/

October 26, 2006
10:37 pm
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Penny, you wrote:

"I have slept with him once..but now I feel very bad and anxious ...I hate the way I feel."

Your plan for him to have a hote room sounds like a good one. If he is so keen for you to relax and let the relationship grou, well, here's a perfect opportunity. See how it grows without sex for awhile.

You say that you expect him to be angry if you suggest this plan. Hmm. That says something, too.

Wishing you clarity and the strength to follow your inner voice. Regards, kroika

October 26, 2006
10:39 pm
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Ned 348
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How long have you known this man? If you feel bad then something is wrong somewhere. Don't become a victim for someone else's pleasure. He is right when he says "we should just relax and let our relationship grow" but relaxing and letting it grow is not what is happening if you feel so hesitant and lousy. I think you have every right to feel insecure because you have so many questions. And remember in this day and age you have to be very careful sexually with all its repercussions. Sure he will be disappointed and perhaps a little angry but if he is really angry, like you ladies say - red flag.

October 26, 2006
10:45 pm
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Jenni
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I see a few more red flags, as well. The fact that he's still married and the fact that he hasn't invited you to his city. Smells kind of fishy to me.

Just some thoughts. I'd let him know that you are willing to accomdate his wishes in relaxing and letting the relationship grow....AFTER he shows up with a divorce decree in his hand.

October 26, 2006
10:57 pm
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penny lane
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Thank you all for your immediate and thoughtful responses. I hardely agree..if I am feeling uncomfortable about this I must be true to my feelings and needs...not his..and if he does want to continue and grow...he will find ways to accomplish that ...

I am growing in listening and responding to my instincts and trying to keep my needs first...not give MUCH and receive only CRUMBS. I am learning and practicing ...although sometimes I feel that being forthright and protecting myself ferousishly will prevent me from ever have another relationship...but that may be my fate...Thank you again

October 26, 2006
11:23 pm
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Ned 348
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I don't believe that is your fate. I ask myself why should I always have people chose me and not me chose the type of person I want? The truth is that you want someone who excites you, inspires you, loves you and makes life an adventure or whatever you want (and that is a deeply personal question). I truly believe that when we find out what we truly want we will seek it and find it. Life is for the seekers. Ask yourself better questions and don't settle. If we do that, we won't have another tale of abuse to put on these boards but perhaps a story of inspiration and that would be really neat to share, and to help others get what they are looking for.

October 27, 2006
9:13 am
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taj64
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You slept with him and the fact that you feel bad instead of good is a sign to not go forward with this relationship. If it meant to be it will happen but this man needs to sort out his life first and not drag you into it because he doesn't want to deal with it. Don't blame it on codependence either cause to me that is lame. Deal with what you want, what you need, what is good for you, don't go against what you feel is right. And I see you do not feel right about. Don't compromise your self for someone who is not completely together and sorry for being blunt, but someone who just might be using your right now to fulfull his own needs. It does not matter what his feelings are if he is angry or not whether you decide to leave this along, which in my opinion you should leave because this is already an unhealthy relationship. You don't want to get hurt? You already are, and you WILL get hurt even more. This relationship so far is simply about need and lust. You deserve better than this.

October 27, 2006
10:07 am
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atalose
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If you don't want to get hurt then don't play with the fire.
He lives far away! He is in the process of divorce? Hum what part of the process?
He will get angry if you tell him to stay at hotel, if that's the case; he isn't too concerned with your feelings.
If you are finding yourself getting emotionally involved with someone you hardly ever see, that's not good.
What happens when his business in your town ends, that's always possible, would he still want to come and see you or are you a convenience for him while he's in town for a day or too.
If you have talked to him about monogamy and his reply was, relax and let our relationship grow, he is telling you NO he is not going to be monogamous and if the relationship is only over the phone or internet for the most part, your putting to much emotional stock into this very long distant relationship.
You sound smart in not wanting to feel bad about yourself and not wanting to get hurt, you should feel proud for that and not let him tell you otherwise. If he doesn't understand you do not want to sleep with him, you will have your answer, he really doesn't care and you are just a convenience for him on his business trip.
If you don't play with fire you won't get burned, be very cautious.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 27, 2006
10:14 am
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penny lane
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Ned and Taj64

What profound responses to my question and plea...I love the sentence about being a 'seeker"..that is what I feel like ..before I began therapy a few years ago...meeting men and beginning relationships was completely different than it is today...I am becoming rooted in my search for a good companion and lover...someone who thinks of me before himself and I of him.. I may never find this person but I am refusing to accept less and recognizing problems in the beginning even if it only occurs to me in my feelings of discomfort and gut instincts...I feel this man is a good guy but the timing is probably not right...and I fight against my fear of growing too old to find someone..but I wont accept a painfull relationship in lieu of no relationship...Thanks again for your insight and straight forward comments...

October 27, 2006
4:20 pm
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shyshy
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The way I see it, you should tell him how you feel and so what if he gets angry. That's his problem not yours. Besides, even if he gets angry he will respect you more in the long run if he decides to stick around.

Yes, the fact that he is just separated and not even divorced yet is a red flag. How long has he been separated?

October 27, 2006
6:21 pm
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Ned 348
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This is one of the best things I ever heard. I was listening to a program and the speaker said - "Don't let the winds of life make you drift. Learn to set your own sail, and you will be able to go anywhere you want". I said to myself: Wow. That is deep.

October 27, 2006
7:30 pm
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taj64
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It sounds pretty shady. How many men out there tell the new girlfriend that they are separated and going to get divorced. I would really pay attention to that. He is married until the divorce papers are sign, if that is what his intentions are. Some men will say things to a woman, like they are crazy for you, let's just relax and see where it goes, when they are really saying Im still married, you're fun but I might change my mind and go back to my wife. Yes there are men out there that do this. I don't believe a man is truly ready for a relationship while in the process of a divorce. Divorce is painful, and both partner need time to recover no matter how the relationship ended. It is foolish to believe he is over it and carefree this way. I am sensing he is married especially since he is in different area. I really do not think you know this person well enough to be getting emotionally attached. Bow out now while you can.

October 28, 2006
7:25 am
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Robert123
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Kroika wrote...
See how it grows without sex for awhile.

And Ned writes...If you feel bad then something is wrong somewhere.

Taj...This relationship so far is simply about need and lust. You deserve better than this.

This is what I like about this site...honest answers.

And my two cents...Penny, no relationship is better than a bad relationship anytime.

October 28, 2006
11:34 am
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penny lane
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Thank you..all of you who responded...you cant imagine...or maybe you can...how important your words are to me in such a timely fashion..your advice is solid and grounding and thoughtful..I respect and take to heart all of your comments...this week will prove to be quite interesting when he arrives...I am armed with a good sense of where I go from here.

October 30, 2006
5:05 pm
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penny lane
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If I may I would like to update those of you who were kind enough to share your thoughts and feelings with me about my situation...here is the update.

After a phone conversation with him asking what his intentions were. ie. monogamous relationship or seeing other people??? pressing in a way to learn about him within the time frames we have...ie telephone conversations and meetings once per month (its like my period) 🙂 he has backed out stating I have made him feel like the "bad guy"..he has disappointed me and thinks I moved too fast...by asking questions etc .but certainly not by going to bed with him...the fact is ...he only wanted someone to be with when in town...he did cheat on his wife of 23 years and caused the break up...he is saying that over the past several years he has been the bad guy and doesnt want to feel like that again....he wants me to feel like I drove him away...I did not...I just wanted clarity on how to proceed..and my asking questions of him allowed me to learn about him..but he felt it was an inquisition.. He said building a relationship takes time..I agreed..but we moved to another level and I am unclear about his intentions...Am I wrong? to have asked questions?? I felt solid about my decisions but now I questions myself...I told him we are not on the same page today...that perhaps he is and always will be emotionally unavailable...I opened my heart to him over the past several days about my past and who I am...he never shared with me...

October 30, 2006
5:09 pm
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taj64
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It is not wrong to answer the questions at all. I feel he is deceiving you. He is a cheater so you might want to take a good look at that. It is not about who is the bad guy. It is about doing the right thing for yourself. It ain't right if he is still married. Asking questions is communciation. I feel he is not communicating to you. He definately is unavailable both physically and mentally. He is not the guy for you. Look elsewhere, you can do better than this guy. Cheaters are usually charmers but also emotinally unavailable. Run in the other direction.

October 30, 2006
5:46 pm
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penny lane
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Taj64

You are right..he has decided to back away because I am getting too close with questions etc...to make it appear like I moved too fast is hurtful...he said he was crazy about me..wanted to know all about me...but did not share of himself...when I said that perhaps he may still wish to be with his wife ...he should reconsider and make amends if that is it...or does he still have feelings for the woman he cheated with...make amends...but I think he is a charmer/abusive type..although to look at him you wouldnt think it...and at 53 i thought he was ,mature and looking for a relationship..that was his message to me initially ..so ..I am trying to not cry and feel bad about my decision or question it...just follow my instincts...I have blocked his emal...I dont want any further contact with him.

October 30, 2006
5:57 pm
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penny lane
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Taj64

I may have moved too fast here...in another thread you said one should enjoy dating and not take it so seriously..well that was me with him unitl he cancelled some of the plans in his arrival here...that caused me to ask him if this is how it will always be..him coming to town ...we get together for a day and a half...then he is gone...thats when I started going downhill..thats when the questions began...and here I am today....what say you?

October 30, 2006
6:43 pm
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Shaney
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Oh penny lane - how brave of you to confront him so directly about where you stand! Bravo! You should be proud, regardless of his answer or the outcome, and not question for one second, your actions! You called him on his crap and he didn't like it. So, because he doesn't want to carry any guilt for the position that you two have found yourselves in, he's turning it around to make it seem as though you're the one with the issue. But believe me, the only thing that you did wrong, was become intimate with a married man who cheated on his wife. That red flag was thrashing around right in front of you, but you chose hope rather than the reality. BUT - we've all been guilty of that exact thing. The saving grace in this story is that you didn't let it continue because you followed that gut feeling of yours... and GOOD FOR YOU! I think this is a success story, not a failure. You backed him into a corner like the dog that he is, and stated your thoughts and concerns. Hold your head high, penny, you did the right thing... and you did it WELL. Now, look ahead, and choose a man that is available, in every way, before you become intimate with him. That way you have no regrets. I'm proud of you :o).

October 30, 2006
9:31 pm
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penny lane
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Thank you Shaney for your vote of confidence...yes...I did make the right decision and I appreciate your confirmation of that...it doesnt make it any easier to swallow or accept...I wish the world of dating and mating was an easier path and clearer from the beginning...it is hard to safeguard your heart and still be open to a potential relationship..that is a fine wire to balance on...trust becomes the order of the day ...at some point you must trust what you are told to be open for feelings to happen...I dont want and hope I never become someone who is not trusting or open to possibilities...but I am happy I ended this in the begining stages before I got tooo deep.

October 30, 2006
9:54 pm
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Ned 348
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Penny Lane, Penny Lane, Penny Lane. I think Taj meant have fun in a platonic relationship and to not put pressure on yourself and enjoy it for what it is. But I'll leave that up to Taj to explain, as I am well aware she can speak for herself.

I do not think that you moved too fast on this one. When I say what I am about to say I include myself because emotions always skew our best efforts and ideas. I see that you are questioning your decision now. You can kid me, you can kid Taj, but don't kid yourself. You say you were not taking it so seriously but on the other hand you were saying you felt awful after you know... and you had so many unanswered questions. Honey don't be someone else's convenience. If it doesn't feel right don't do it for fear that you may be alone. You will find someone better. You just can't know when.

And what's up with his secrecy? Something smells rotten in Denmark. Good for you. You will not be just another victim.

October 30, 2006
9:57 pm
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Ned 348
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We must have posted at the same time. Double good for you.

October 30, 2006
10:17 pm
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Hi penny

Thanks for updating us. I think you did the best thing, and he showed his true colours. I think you dodged a bullet there, by not getting pulled deeper into the muddy waters that seem to swirl around this fellow.

And you have learned some valuable things for the future. I wish you good luck in finding someone more worthy of you.

take care, kroika

October 30, 2006
10:29 pm
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Robert123
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Sound, solid, advice being given here. Penny you did a great thing. If he got defensive over a few questions then something is not right. Either he is totally and completely married or he has issues about opening up and sharing who he is with you, and neither option is good.
Stick to your guns. Watch this worm come sliming back. You'll be ready for him.

October 31, 2006
9:30 am
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penny lane
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Thank you Ned, Kroika and Robert for your confirmation...as a healing co-dependent I am learning to trust my gut feelings and GO with them...even though life and living have layered my body and mind..my gut still talks to me and clearly...I forgot how to listen...it is interesting that as I have aged I have allowed a great swing of ley-way to people because of life experiences and the pain of life...but that doesnt excuse intentions to use even though I know most people are in pain each day..

I dont want any further contact with this man and I feel stronger about my decision thanks to your help in that moment of indecision.

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