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If nothing works, I'll kill myself
April 6, 2001
11:30 pm
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Thats the recurring thought coming to me now.
I have money on my credit cards. Paying bills all the time. I cant study, dont want to. my gpa is going down.
its hard for me to graduate now and i cant take more courses cause they cost money.
i dont want to ask money from my father niehter from anyone.
the only solution is that i get a job, and if i dont get one, and when nothing works and when i'll be left with no money, i think i'll kill myself. what else can i do. nothing
its the only easy way out.
though i would always tell ppl not to do it, but right now, it seems the onlly way out of this mess.
when i start thinking about writing a letter to tell everyone why i did it, i start falling back and even preparing for suicide seems work.
fuckkk

the only way out ..

April 6, 2001
11:45 pm
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Ladeska
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It's never the only way out....but it feels good to at least have a solution. Has some sort of effect on us that feels like....well...at least I came up with something!!!

What is really bothering you...? What has landed you where you are? What kind of things rage inside you that seem unfair, don't fit, don't make sense....what? I'm listening..

April 7, 2001
12:09 am
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i cant study
i hate to study. my credit card loans, and the hugs apr's on them. every month i have to pay 200dollars just in credit card bills.
i thought thingks would get better if i got a job and then no money problems atleast.
what has landed me where i am. well, my studies. i didnt study well, i fucked myself. i just never felt like studying.
by killing myself one reason is that i want to tell my parents "see? its all ur fautl! u deserve this!! f- you"

what do i do? theres no way out. i wish i killed myself right now, its so painful and depressing. no way out

April 7, 2001
12:35 am
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Ladeska
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Nooooo.....you avoided the question....this isn't about the money.....that's not what's really bothering you....tell me what's beyond the schooling, beyond the loans, the apr's, the classes....what is the foundation for how you are feeling right now? You're talking all about this superficial stuff, but that's not what's eating at you....you might as well rage here, talk, spit it out...

April 7, 2001
12:53 am
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its low self-esteem. my mom abused me a lot. did i answer right?
i jsut feel im at the bottom of the world and everyone else is above me.

April 7, 2001
1:58 am
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wait i saw some adds for new jobs.
i think if i dont get a job after a gradaute, i'll give it up, on my birthday, somewhere in fall. thats when the money will start to finish up.
maybe the last resort i'll ask my uncle, IF thre is hope of me finding a job yet. otherwise, i dont know.
sucks

April 7, 2001
11:47 am
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Ladeska
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There's "always" a way out. We just assume because of our abuse that we are always "trapped" and we're not. It's an old conditioning pattern. You really need to get some counseling - and not because you're crazy!! but, because you are wounded and alot of things are just banaided together and you're going off into the world like nothing is wrong.

Abuse victims always do that. And, we believe alot of lies about us that just aren't true - but we're used to saying them to ourselves, the old tapes are the only things handy. Time for you to get some new tapes going - the real ones, the true ones and blast out of this zone. yes, do everything you mentioned here and rocket out into "I CAN" do something. Will send you some things here when I get back to work on Monday. They are on my computer there, but do have some websites will send you this weekend.

You need to get educated about alot of things and start throwing up - emotionally - alot of things you've been storing. No wonder you think about suicide - all this stuff is festering inside you. Time to give yourself some room in there and get some of this stuff OUT! There is a real person in there that can do ALOT of things including....overcoming all this trapped stuff that you feel. Hang in there, look at your options on the table - choose one, if that doesn't work, choose another one, if that doesn't work - come back here and we'll brainstorm. You're not paralyzed - it just feels like it. Go do something today that you wouldn't normally do that you enjoy - get out of the humdrum cycle of whatever it is you usually do...okay? Change your surroundings, go be with a friend that lifts you up and makes you laugh.

April 7, 2001
1:51 pm
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The money problmes might take time to solve but they are solvable. Cut up the cards and contact a credit counsleing agency...a good will lower those apr's NOW and make it managable.

IF you don't get a job after you graduate? that doesn't sound like punishing an abusive mom it sounds like not living up to expectations you have set for yourself....

If you have dug yourslef a hole...the first thing to do is stop digging...

go to the counseling center at your school...free? right?

This is YOUR life to grab hold of...not mom's not dad's.

I am 48 and still paying bills....that's life. but even tho' I look forward to a great after life that's where I want it right now....after.

You are capable of doing whatever you want...but sorting it out can be a royal pain.

Check out the book...change your brain change your life by a renegade psychiatrist Dr. Amen....though he talks of medications they are always last and firstly he talks about what we can do for ourselves.

Good luck

Ps...forget your gpz and graduate...they never looked at mine after I got my Batchelors...and for grad school you have to take a test anyway.

A good worker is more than a high gpa...trust me....

April 7, 2001
9:27 pm
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Ladeska
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Janes....(smile)

April 9, 2001
12:11 pm
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thanks

April 9, 2001
12:53 pm
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Cici
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You can get federal loans that have extremely low interest rates. If you are emancipated from your parents, which means they didn't claim you as a dependent on their tax returns, you can get federally subsidized loans with no interest at all until 2 years after you graduate.

It's called the FAFSA form. you can fill it out online. Talk to a financial aid counselor at school. I got a $5000 loan from the government for school.

April 10, 2001
4:01 am
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i cant take fafsa i think..
im not us citizen

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