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If I were beautiful in my eyes
March 3, 2007
9:19 pm
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loverbee
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If I were beautiful in my eyes
I would have a thousand smiles
I would look at my mistakes and I'd be laughing all the while
Words of negativity would roll off me like beads of dew
And somehow I would learn to love me and then love you.
I'd realize that I'm gentle, honest loving and sweet.
I'd learn to dance again ever so lightly on my feet.
But for now I'll look in the mirror and try to see what you see.
And no one will no I don't believe it, it'll be a secret only for me.

March 3, 2007
10:31 pm
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lollipop3
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Loverbee,

I have to tell you....this one really choked me up.

Thank you for sharing it.

Love,
Lolli

March 3, 2007
10:34 pm
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jewel
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loverbee,

I loved that. When did you write it? Recently? Very well written.

Jewel

March 3, 2007
10:34 pm
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loverbee
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I used to think that I fantasized about feeling beautiful. Now I think that its a fantasy because I really want it. I am trying so hard. But sometimes, it takes time to undo the pain one has had to go through.

March 3, 2007
10:35 pm
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loverbee
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I wrote it as I was writing the thread. I just felt it and then wrote it. I used to major in writing but I decided I wanted to keep it mine. That way I would never have to write because someone else told me to. Its good to be writing again though. I had major writers block for a while.

March 4, 2007
1:00 am
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That's really great, do you write often?

March 4, 2007
12:25 pm
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lewis
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is that how you feel loverbee?

I have never felt 100% happy in my skin, when I was a teenager this was much worst, I don't know what the term is, but its when you think your ugly when your not, or you think your fat when your not, body dispora?

March 4, 2007
12:47 pm
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loverbee
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body dismorphic disorder. Yes i have struggled with it. I have felt like my body has changed so much I actually was slightly anorexic for about a month before my bf realized it and started watching me like a hawk. For 10 years I was a dancer and then I recieved a dabilititating injury when I flipped over the back of a chair when I had a siezure (I am epileptic) and could never dance again. Then, of course, I went on birth control and gained wieght in places I didn't even know existed. I was out of shape and couldn't get back to where I was. Now I am working on it. I have to because I am spending a lot of time getting to know me since my ex moved out and I live alone. I don't think it helps that I was raped when i was three and molested when I was nine and that I am the product of an affair that broke up my mother and fathers marriage and now my father hates me and kicked me out and we haven't spoken in five years now and I have no clue who my father is. But its getting better slowly.

March 4, 2007
2:31 pm
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lewis
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loverbee

i'm sorry to hear that you have gone through all that

body dismorphic disorder, this is an awful illness which i didn't know existed, and the syptoms are what i had when i was growing up, sometimes i wouldn't go out, and if i caught a glimps of myself in a window i was repulsed.
I still have these thoughts yet i seem to be more control, they are not out of control.

I hope its gets better soon, your thread name caugt my attention because thats what you feel like when you feel so ugly.

March 4, 2007
2:45 pm
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loverbee
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I still have a very hard time looking in the mirror. I only do it when I wash my face. I have gotten very good at putting on makeup without looking in the mirror but I am trying to overcome that. I only have one mirror at the moment but someday it might not bother me so much. In the meantime, I write in my journal and try to stay positive.

March 4, 2007
3:28 pm
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lewis
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me too! I don't really discuss this with other people because they think i'm being silly, or they tell me i don't see what they see!

I hate looking at myself without make up and can spent too long looking at different angles of myself? - my face! mainly. i really hate myself with out the make up!

it really does prevent me from getting too close to the opposite sex, some of the things i have done so that they don't see me without the make up is redic!

March 4, 2007
4:16 pm
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loverbee
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one of my biggest flaws in my opinion was my skin on my face. I always had the worst acne but then I found out that it wasn't acne, it was an allergic reaction to my shampoo so since my skin has gotten clear I am able to go without makeup a little more often. Its hard but I force myself to go without it twice a week. I also see my stomach and love handles and to me it looks like i am morbidly obese but I know that others see me as extremely petite. Right now I am five three and I weigh 100 pounds. I know logically that i am not overwiehgt but in my head I am. Strange to think that when I danced I always felt beautiful. Now I am just trying to get back there.

March 4, 2007
4:37 pm
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Anonymous
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Loverbee,

I love that. I feel your pain I have sueffred onand off with an eating disorder for the past 14 years and I am only 26. When I get stressed like I am now in my current relationship it gets bad again 🙁

FL

March 4, 2007
7:07 pm
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loverbee
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Yes, I am 24 and its young to have such negative thoughts about yourself but being a dancer for 10 years, you learn to critique your body intently and be incredibly hard on yourself. Puberty comes as such a shock to people who critique themselves that way. My ex who is still by best friend ever calls me when i get stressed to make sure I am eating. Its nice to have a friend like that.

March 4, 2007
8:48 pm
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ggfred4
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(((loverbee))) I loved your poem and can identify with it. I too avoid mirrors and am disgusted when I see my reflection. Same thing with washing my face, quickly without looking. Putting on makeup is the hardest, because my eyesight is not that good and I have to concentrate. I try to just look at the part of the face I am putting the makeup on and not look at my whole self. One day, I hope this will change.

I am sorry for the tough times you have endured in your life. Take care of yourself............gg

March 4, 2007
10:48 pm
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eurogurl
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I completely love myself now., completely and that took a long time. I completely love and accept myself, and i forgive myself for not doing that before, because i didnt know, and didnt get that from others.
wisdom is knowing better, and doing better.

March 5, 2007
7:17 pm
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truthBtold
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loverbee,

from one poet to another - your verse was very moving and touching - (and had the incredible rhythm of the difficult iambic pentameter!)

And to just write that "off the cuff" while posting....WOW!!!!!!

You are EXTREMELY TALENTED!!!!

(Do you know that about yourself??????)

Really NOW??????

Your "writer's block" has officially been broken.....and wide open - I might add 🙂

(((((((KODOS TO LOVERBEE)))))))))

Please share more of your wonderful prose!!!!!!

(I wish we knew each other in person as I feel that I have found a like-soul.)

Pleas DO consider getting yourself published.....for it would be a shame NOT to share your talents with the rest of the world.

You have a very, very special gift, Loverbee. Please know this in your heart of hearts.

(((((WARM HUGS)))))))

tBt

March 5, 2007
7:47 pm
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truthBtold
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A Poem: "Requiem To Loverbee:"

You ARE THAT BEAUTIFUL,

precious loverbee............

(-And now, I think......finally starting to see........)

That gentle and honest and lovingly soul

...now dances -

....and prances,

so lightly on feet.

For past mis-takes could NEVER defeat - - - - -

Your undaunting heart - - - -

....now measures......

....complete.

and lo be to you,

(through honest circumspect - - - -)

Twas a friend in that mirror....

....all along your beautiful person -
......NOW

unabashingly,

REFLECTS!!!!!!!!!

🙂

(you inspire me LB)

March 5, 2007
10:48 pm
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loverbee
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That was so moving TBT and I am really hoping that I do find a freind in the mirror very soon. Its funny cause every time I have been in this site for a week or so now, I just get so many ideas for writing its amazing. All of them are in others' eyes beautiful. I hope I continue. maybe I will write a song sometime. In the meantime I will cook up a storm and draw and paint and write and sing and laugh and hopefully that will leak into the reflection I see in the mirror.

March 6, 2007
9:39 am
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truthBtold
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LB,

It can't help NOT leak into your reflection. tBt

March 6, 2007
9:50 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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When I look into the mirror, it is NOT a beautiful person that I see. I see someone who is cold, hurting, desperate, longing to be loved, fat, has no idea who she is, not attractive. Self conscious, insecure, damaged, and unlovable....if I could do away with all of that...I can't even begin to imagine...It would be a nice thought...but I am NOT sure that it will ever happen. Only by a miracle maybe...and even that may be a stretch...

Did I mention that I am not seeing optimism when I look into that mirror either?

March 6, 2007
4:25 pm
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loverbee
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I always thought that there was something wrong with how loving I am because it always leads me to a broken heart, but I am trying to look at it as a blessing.

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