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If I am so smart how did I end up in this situation?
September 17, 2005
10:49 pm
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classof77
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This is a long and complicated story. Before I was married to my emotionally crazy x I was involved with a married man for 7 years. We were close friends as well as lovers. I just met my x and never contacted him again and since I moved and changed my name he really didn't know where I was. I mean I move imediately upon meeting my x because in the classic abusive personality he was very rapid fire in his attachment and being an insecure idiot who was deathly afraid of growing old alone (I was 28 for God's sake)I fell for it. Well to shorten this all up when my x left I was a mess. I had become so mentally beaten up I had no one to turn to who knew before. I guess I wanted someone to hold me while I cried and tried to find all the pieces of me I had lost. I called him after 15 years and left a message with the excuse I was trying to find a mutual friend of ours. He called me back and we met. Things started up where they had left off. He had kept a piece of jewelry I had lost in his car for 20 years. He brought it back to me the first time we met after my divorce. We talked about how he could do nothing about his situation and I learned a lot of things that I had only had hint of before. Well in the classic married man single woman thing I started wanting to do date things. Met some one from an internet dating site. I didn't really think anything would come of it but I started to care about him. He was different from other men I have known. And in my business, which is a predominantley male field, I know a lot of "good ole boys". But being somewhat of a committment phobic and thinking about the classic red flag of fast attachment, I was somewhat skepitcal. Well to get to the point I ended my affair with my married lover, (I am one of those people who has to end one thing to get serious in another). I was very upset because he was so hurt and I was hurting to about not having in my life as anything but a friend, but I really did want to see where this other relationship would go. I had the new boyfriend spend a weekend, way wrong thing to do. The to much to fast, I don't know if I can do this crap started kicking in big time. While I am sitting at my dining room table thinking about all this new stuff and how I don't know what I want to do with it my married lover calls, very upset. He proposes and we talk about things for awhile, then things go back to the way they were. I (and I am ashamed of this part because it is so chicken Sh**) write the new boyfriend a dear john e-mail and thst is supposed to be that. But he writes back and while there was more said than that he ended it with we all make mistakes, if I were to change my mind he would forgive me and we could try again. But now the problem is after I have told my lover of about 9 years total before I was married and after I was divorced, I would wait for him if that was what wanted. He is probably the only person who really understands why I stayed in my marriage being in a similiar situation himself all these years. Loved me when both my ex and probably this current man would have thought I was white trash, and helped me put myself back together to the point I am now. But, and there is always a but, I feel like this is where I was before and want to call the new man and say yes let's try again. I am not sure I can let my married lover do the things he has to do to be with me, he has promised I will not grow old alone (he has always known that is a fear of mine although right now I am pretty good at being alone). I am not sure I can live with myself if I let him do what he has to do (he does have a plan) because I know if it weren't for me he would never leave her. Like I said if I am so smart how did I get in this situation? Now how do I get myself out with out hurting him again? Why do I still think about the new man? I don't know him that well but we had some very special dates but if things worked out with him I would have to totally change my life and business. Confusion really sucks.

September 17, 2005
11:25 pm
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EJ
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Hi Class,

What you did is totally understandable to me. Probably every person on this site could tell a story of a time when they felt confused and alone and went back to a relationship they already knew wasn't good for them. That is - in a nutshell - why we're all here. If we were able to make good, clear decisions about relationships and stick with them, through the loneliness, pain, guilt, whatever, no one would have told us we're co-dependent and we wouldn't have come on this site. Presumably, we'd be out dancing with our healthy, mature, compassionate new spouse, instead!!!:)

So don't call yourself stupid. You don't need me to tell you that there's no future with a married man, or that he's using you, or that he's a grown-up and has known, all these years, how to divorce his wife and call you up. You knew all those things, and that's probably why you left him in the first place, right?

Just keep looking down the road to when you'll be a little old lady. What kind of guy are you gonna want by your side? What kind of memories are you going to want from the life behind you. What do you need to have accomplished in order to feel at peace when you come to that place? Let questions like these guide your decisions, not your present fears.

You CAN heal. You CAN learn to make decisions that will bring you satisfaction instead of turmoil and pain. But you won't do it if you stay in these drama-filled situations that serve no purpose but to keep you from facing your issues.

Good luck. I know you can do what you need to do.
Love and best wishes,
EJ

September 18, 2005
12:01 am
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classof77
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Thank you EJ. I know the point is not if I care about him, or if he is using me, I don't think that he is anymore than I have used him. You see after my divorce, I needed someone to be there when I wanted to talk and some affection but couldn't go make myself try again. So in that respect I have used him too. It was a get out of jail free card. But it has occurred to me now that it may have turned into one of those be careful what you wish (you just might get it situations). I don't want it at the cost of someone else having to go through what I went through when my ex left and although it was a terrible marriage that only seemed to make it harder to let go of the bitterness of rejection. The upside of all this is I have indeed totally let go of that bitterness. I think I know what I have to do so you are right. If it were to work out how would it ever fit into being right. I have understand what I want from this new relationship too. I am at a point in my life where I am really comfortable with most every thing but relationships. Sometimes I have to wonder if I am running do the marriage I was in or if I just don't want a relationship and the responsibilities involved with a normal one. What is your story EJ why are you here?

September 18, 2005
12:09 am
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EJ
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Oh, boy, where to start . . .

I'm 36. I got married when I was 20 to someone I loved very much. However, I've just never been able to make the relationship work very well. Recently I found out he's a porn addict and I threw him out. We've been separated 3 months, now and are in counseling. But I don't think it's gonna work out. I suspect he has borderline personality disorder, and I'm pretty sure I've never even met the real person, just the great guy he tries to project to the world, or his vast, unreasonable anger.

There must be a real person in there somewhere . . . who knows?

EJ

September 18, 2005
12:38 am
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classof77
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EJ, I am sorry to hear that. I didn't even know what Borderline Personaliy Disorder was until abaout a year and a half ago. It kind of fits my ex too. I understand the great guy, the one he wants every one to see versus the angry ass thing. I lived with that for 15 years. I think that is the reason I am so afraid to get involved with some one new. It can all change so fast. I hope things get easier for you. Why do you feel "you" have never been able to make the relationship work very well?

September 18, 2005
2:20 am
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EJ
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It's interesting that you say your guy may have been borderline, too. From what I'm understanding, a lot of co-dependents end up in relationships either with borderlines or narcissisists (sp??).
I guess that's just kind of the nature of the problem - a person who can't take ends up with a person who can't give, or something.

I say "I" couldn't make the relationship work because I tried absolutely everything. It's such a relief now to just let it be and not feel like I have to somehow figure it all out or fix it. I spent years trying to keep my husband interested in me, and all I succeeded in doing was keeping a low-quality guy in my life when I should have just let go, you know?

EJ

September 18, 2005
8:50 am
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classof77
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Oh, EJ, how well I know. I have thought about it many times. What would have happened if I had been strong enough to leave the first time he called me a F****** b****? How much pain I would have saved myself and my son?
I have, after posting my present story, reading your posts and sleeping on the whole mess, decided I was wrong when I said I had let go of the bitterness. I really haven't. I am still running. So I have to deal with that before I go anywhere else.
Do you think you will find the real person you are looking for in your husband? Is it possible for them to be real and consistent? Sometimes I wonder if men like our ex's have a radar that just spots us. Or do they honestly go into a relationship with good intentions and just start chipping away at us until they figure it out? Then our tendency to over give keeps us there when we should leave? Anyway thanks so much for listening, it is helping to just go through this. The relief you mentioned about not having to think about what to do next is applying here too.

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