Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
if a boy 4 years older than me did things was I sexually abused?
October 19, 2006
10:29 pm
Avatar
johnmtenn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
October 19, 2006
10:31 pm
Avatar
johnmtenn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

And this was A Long Time Ago?

October 19, 2006
11:04 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi john,

The fact that he was a "child" does NOT by itself negate the possibility that it was abuse.

"Sexual abuse is defined as '. . . any form of coerced sexual interaction between an individual and a person in a position of power over that individual' (Dolan, 1991, p.1). Logg (1991) reports that therapists distinguish between children's exploratory sexual play and sexual abuse by children primarily on the dimension of power. It is the disparity in power that is believed to be the cause of the harm that is done to children by sexual abuse (Bass & Davis, 1988)." http://www.tc.umn.edu/~under00.....ality.html

Does that help? I was repeatedly sexually abused by a cousin of the exact same age. She did not physically coerce me, but she did initiate it. And because of prior sexual abuse by adults I felt I "had to" engage. And even sometimes I liked it. It was still sexual abuse in my case because it made me feel uncomfortable and I wanted to say no ( and I think I did try in somewhat feeble ways to say no). .. i.e., it was unwanted (which is another way to define SA: any UNWANTED sexual exchange between a child and another person).

On the other hand, it is relatively normal and accepted that children will engage in sexual play. It is a way for them to discover and try to understand their own budding sexuality.

So it all depends on if you felt like you had to engage or if you chose willingly to engage... and if it made you feel uncomfortable or not.

hope this helps. hugs to you. ((John))

October 20, 2006
7:51 am
Avatar
jastypes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli,

I don't know if it helped John, but it sure helped me. I've been struggling over my son's sexual abuse at the hands of a young neighbor. She was only 2 years older than him, and sometimes I want to deny that it was abuse. My son calls it rape. Your posted definition really confirms it for me, because this young lady threatened to kill my son and our family if he ever told. She used force, threats, control and power to coerce him into doing things he sincerely did not want to do. He carries those scars, along with the ones from years of cutting himself. I so wish I could really help him.

October 20, 2006
9:04 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi jastypes, I'm so glad I could help you! One way you can help him is by helping yourself. It is difficult for friends/relatives of a survivor to realize, but they are victims too.

an excellent book is:
Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child
(although it is slightly more geared towards romantic partners of survivors much of the info applies to friends/family too).

Another indispensible book on the subject of sexual abuse is:
The Courage to Heal
(it says on the cover it is for female survivors, but many male survivors read it and 95% of the info still applies). This book has helped me beyond words.

Finally, here is a good website for you to read:
http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/broc.....riends.htm

From my perspective as a survivor, I can tell you I would love to these things from MY mother:

1- I'm sorry I didn't protect you.
2- What can I do to help/support you on your healing journey?
3- I am here to listen if/when you ever need to talk about it. I will not judge you or give you advice. I will just listen and empathize.
4- I will love you no matter what.

Now, my situation is VERY different from your son's situation. My mother repeatedly put me in a position where I would be abused and when I told her she didn't/couldn't believe me because her guilt/pain would be too great for her to handle.

Obviously your situation is different. And even though it sounds like you couldn't really have done anything to prevent it... that there's no way you could have known this girl was capable of what she did... it might still help your son to hear 1) above. Maybe, maybe not... I don't know him... but just a thought.

Be VERY careful though of turning any discussion with him into a "venting" of your grief/anger/guilt/pain. I'm sure you must have a lot of that, but really try to find other people to support you as you work through this (you WILL need support to heal!). Don't expect or even subtly try to get him to "comfort" you for your pain and grief. It will make him censor himself and feel guilty about re-injuring you by talking about it. Does this make sense?

Also, I know you genuinely love him and want to help him but you can't "force" him to do the healing work (unfortunately!). You have to let him know you are there to listen (often this is ALL a survivor needs in order to start to open up and heal)... but then you have to let his healing work on HIS time table.

To paraphrase... you need support so that you can support him.

Maybe you already know all this stuff... but as you can tell I'm kind of long-winded!

Finally... I have noticed from some of my support groups that male survivors have a few issues unique to them. Some of them have a very difficult time expressing their feelings over what happened (and this is ESSENTIAL in order to heal). Also, some of them have ADDED shame over the fact that as males they are supposed to be strong and sexual, they aren't supposed to be victims. Finally, many male survivors have added shame over the fact that their bodies might have responded to the abuse. They feel like this means they "liked" it. But the thing they have to learn is that bodies respond to touch, that is their job. It doesn't mean they liked it. It means their bodies were exploited.

So sorry about what happened to your son. That must have been really traumatic for him and for you to find out about later.

Sending you healing thoughts...

((jastypes))

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110959
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714252
Newest Members:
charli55, SeaG1ant, shawncanwe, lianot, dagaf, duminy
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information