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idkwhat2do
May 19, 2009
11:21 am
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innerturmoil
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idk what to do....
ive not had much response on here... but anyway, first off.. im in a very very bad marriage,, no alcoholism, physical abuse but alot of emotional , verbal abuse.. didnt realize it till today.. my mother in law is 80 and has recently gotten dementia... (i think that is what's happened). my husband is sooo overwhelmed with that ... i understand why... but I do not know what to do b/c everything i do/say makes him angry with me..
Im trying to be a good wife and be supportive, but it is hard when he is constantly insutling me and threatening to leave me, infront of our 2 yr old son..
what should i do.. just keep taking the abuse.. leave him when his mother is sick?
help me ....i think
I have too many issuse to even be helped.....

May 19, 2009
11:35 am
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atalose
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I am sorry you have not had much response on here. That is so hard to deal with, an elderly parent with dementia. You need the patience of a saint and most anyone I know just doesn’t have the coping skills to deal with that day in and day out.

Does she live with you? If so, have you looked into a nursing home or even a day facility where she can go to give you both a break?

How about counseling, would your husband be willing to seek counseling for dealing with his mother’s condition?

As much stress as he is under that still does not give him the right to take it out on you but people tend to take things out on those closest to them.

What about recognizing his stress level and when you see it elevating take your son and go to a park or a mall to walk around.

How about the next time he threatens to leave you tell him, “that would be best for both of us, can I help you pack?”

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 19, 2009
11:59 am
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sunshine88
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hi innerturmoil, i hear you. i spent most of my childhood watching my father verbally and physically abuse my mother. while i do not have an advice right now about your husband, i just needed to say if you could please do everything you can to protect your child from witnessing this abuse. children have a way of making it their fault. deeply embedded in their mind, is the thought that somehow he is responsible for this turmoil in his home.

hope to hear from you more. here's a hug for you (((innerturmoil)))

May 19, 2009
2:06 pm
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fantas
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Innerturmoil, Sorry for the lack of response. Weekends are sometimes slow. I'm I understanding you to say that your husband has gotten verbally abusive after his father got dementia or was he always like this and just become worse?

Not that there is ever a good reason for abuse but if he is dealing with his fathers illness this way, you have a chance to bringing it to his attention and letting him know that you will support him but he will have to express his sadness respectfully. If this is how he has been, you need to consider several things; Is it bad enough to leave or would therapy help with the issues. Either way, if your relationship has been this way you will need therapy to deal with why you have allowed him to treat you this way.

As hurtful as he has been, the real issue here is that you have allowed it to happen. You can't control him but you can control yourself. You do not deserve this. You need to be loved and cherished, not abused, but you have to draw the boundaries.

Keep posting and reading.

May 19, 2009
3:38 pm
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gettingold
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Maybe a couple days away from him. Go to a family memebers house.Explain to him why you are going.
That may give him some time to think about how he is treating you.

May 20, 2009
5:20 pm
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fantas
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bumping.

Innerturmoil, How are you doing?

May 20, 2009
7:47 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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(innerturmoil) i am so sorry for this situation. speaking as a person living with a verbal emotional abuser, I will tell you that you will never be able to change him. trying to be a "good wife" will not change your situation.
be a good wife by YOUR definition not his.

How long has your relationship been? I agree with gettingold. get a way for a day or so.

May 20, 2009
9:26 pm
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Anonymous
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Well...First of all, I'd like to correct one of the posters up there, who had said that, "It was His Father who has Dementia," when it's His Mother! (Just kindly telling you that...you need to pay more closer attention! 🙂 )

Now, for this Abusive situation, you're in, "InnerTurmoil!" I agree, that, while it's unfortunate, that, His Mother has been diagnosed with that, and is suffering with it, it's still no right, and no excuse, for him to be disrespectful to you, because he's stressed out about His Mother! So, Please, don't try to use that as an excuse for his behavior towards you! (Although, you might've also been merely pointing that out, as something that's bothering him, in his life right now!)

Emotional/and Physical Abuse, are still just as bad as eachother! (He may not be hitting you, but, he's still devastatingly assaulting your heart and soul, with his cruel words, directed towards you! And, That's Not Right!

I'm only now, starting to heal from a previous emotionally abusive relationship, that I was involved in for 5 years! (And, believe me, it takes a long time to get over that!) There are alot of trust issues, that stem from having been involved in an emotionally abusive relationship! (And, they're very difficult to deal with, and very trying, and is a difficult challenge to try to work with and through, and get past!) But, I'm after coming a long way, from mine! And, am making progress with trusting! (My Fiance that is!)

How long have you been involved with this man? (Cause, the longer you're with him, the harder it will be for you to leave!) (Depending on how low he has your self-esteem!)

OH, and I Definitely don't recommend that you stay with him! (Especially, since you have a child, to consider!) Have you Talked to him about counseling at all? Does he seem open to the idea of him attending counseling, for him to deal with whatever issues he has, both regarding His Mother/and also the issues concerning the abuse he inflicts upon you as well? If he doesn't seem to be open to that idea, m'dear you have a problem and a case, on your hands!

If he refuses and declines, to get help, then my best bet for you would be to leave him!

May 21, 2009
9:35 am
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innerturmoil
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first of all thanks for the responses.. and Sydney, thanks for the correction on your part!
🙂
I am doing better today..
My husband's mother is still the same.. she doenst live with us.. she lives with her husband who is 90 yrs old.. i think she needs to go to a nursing home or something like that..
he is too old to deal with that..
but my husband has been better.. i have been reading 'codependent no more' the book... it is helping me but i think i need counseling and also couples counseling if we are to stay together.. I DONT want my son hearing that ever again.. i almost left that day...
I have been with my husband almost 7 years...
I have done things to him to loose his trust but there were many circumstances around that also..
thanks for all your replys.. helps alot

May 21, 2009
4:37 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((innerturmoil))
Codependent No More really helped me a lot. I had no idea before how much I needed control or how out of touch with my feelings now.
Now about this trust issue. just how
"bad' were the things you did. My h. said he couldn't trust me because I met with a church leader with his permission. That is no reason to distrust someone!

May 21, 2009
7:13 pm
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innerturmoil
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Tiger Trainer,,
thanks,, I did some pretty rotten things... the main thing is that i cheated on him a few year ago,, with our neighbor (where we used to live) that lasted a few months.. also i had a one nite stand,,,, (with his cousin) none the less.. i feel like a terrible person and ive been trying for four years to make it up to him but i feel like just throwing in the towel.. he has many issues too.. he has a severe Porn addiction,, mostly the internet..
but has gotten better ( i think)
he is good at covering it up...
He has been depressed since we got married practically...
too many issues....
what is your situation??? --anyone,, i get tired of talking about my lousy [email protected] 🙂

May 22, 2009
7:28 pm
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fantas
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Innerturmoil, The fact that you did things doesn't make the abuse okay. He could have chosen to leave you but he stayed. You are responsible for you stuff and he is responsible for his. Sounds like your relationship has been toxic or a long time.

It's okay to talk about your relationship for as long as you need to. This what the boards are here for. I have grown so much from when I got here with a mental obsession over a man who didn't even know that I existed and who has absolutely no respect for woman whatsoever. Yet there I was waiting and hurting because he didn't notice me. Writing and reading these boards gave me the distance, clarity, and support I needed to start looking at me instead of him. I was too focused on him and didn't question why I was even interested in such a person in the first place. I can see clearly now, most of the time 🙂

Keep posting!!

May 23, 2009
11:25 am
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innerturmoil
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fantas,
thanks for the comments.. I have been letting him treat me any way he wants out of guilt for what I did years ago...
Your right, he couldve left, he said the only reason he didnt was cause he was depressed back then .. (even before i cheated) i think that is the main reason i did that, cause he WAS depressed(still is)...
I didnt realize at the time just how much he had pulled away from me even back then.. that is why i turned to someone else..u are right ,, our relationship is very toxic.. i think it was poisoned from the start...thank you.. i realize I have to get out or we need SeriouS therapy...

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