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id like your help with this!!!
April 7, 2010
2:45 pm
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darkeyes
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hi! ive met a lovely genuine guy online through friends..he lives so far away it'l be along time before we meet, he is also way younger than me, but we have made such a strong connection, its like we know each other all our lifetime..I have feelings for him he has for me... problem is im begining to become clingy, he hasnt said anything but i can hear it in his words, I dont kno how to back away a little, he maks me feel so alive inside, he has only treated me with love and kindness i know its only words and over the phone but he has never changed in how he speaks and i have tested him..he really is a great soul but i keep puting up red flags waiting for him to do wrong or say something,, im very insercure in me so how can i be secure in him..can I learn a new way to all this or is my codependancy always going to come in the way and destroy people who come into my life who are healthy, its like i go into a another world when talking to him and i question is it all real...

April 7, 2010
2:55 pm
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StronginHim77
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Uh oh. Having "feelings" for someone you haven't interacted with on a daily, normal, face-to-face basis can be a HUGE red flag. You have every reason to step back and watch very carefully for the red flags. VERY VERY carefully.

"He makes me feel alive inside..."

That ia a classic codie statement. I've been known to say the same. Today, (after tons of therapy) I realize that I felt alive when entering new relationships because I only felt validated when IN A RELATIONSHIP. Translation: I am a relationship addict.

I needed to be noticed, wanted, singled out, oourted, etc. NEEDED.

So, please be careful. Guard your feelings. It's too early in the process to have such emotions surging...

- Ma Strong

April 7, 2010
2:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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P.S. The age difference isn't a huge deal, depending upon how old each of you actually are (i.e., what stage of life are each of you at? Raising kids? Already an empty-nester? Never been married? Divorced? etc...). That would be my concern, whether your life stages were compatible on a practical level. If you were 48 and had raised your kids and he were 32 and never had any of his own, you might have a problem.

- Ma

April 7, 2010
3:06 pm
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darkeyes
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thank you ma strong.. all this is new to me, im treading the water carefully, i really havnt a clue how to be in a relationship.. i only was ever with my husband & that was totally codependant..this guy is healthy and he scares me how much so sometimes..i have to sit with every emotion, sometimes i just want to rush right in but something holds me back and i listen but also sometimes i question is it just learnt behavior..one step for me at a time now..il pull back alittle now and see where it takes me...

April 7, 2010
3:07 pm
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CAMER
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darkeyes...didn't you mention a week or two ago about meeting a man online....and seeing huge red flags??? I could'a sworn i remember a post like that.

since you are having these "codie" feelings, take things alot slower, get to know the real you better. Maybe you are just in love with the part of the newness of the relationship (even though you haven't met the man in person yet)....take this slow and let the relationship bloom like a flower, nurture it in a healthy way.

Is he say 15 years younger more or less?? Age difference differs with every couple, some can work it others can't.

April 7, 2010
3:09 pm
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darkeyes
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yes ma strong!! ive lived my life, he is a young man only starting his..maybe its the right time now to let him go..maybe ive to be with just me for now....

April 7, 2010
3:13 pm
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darkeyes
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camer yes it was me.. i did let him go but! we just kinda fell back again into each others lifes.. i think i put up all the red flags cos i was so afraid to take a step forward..i really dont kno which way is up at the moment..am i to lod to begin again, i really dont kno and im a little lost in it all..

April 7, 2010
3:16 pm
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CAMER
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with these doubts in your mind....maybe it is time to slow down a bit. How well do you really know this man?? and are you liking the idea of "being in this honeymoon phase".......or do you genuinely like this guy as a person, even though there could be some red flags.........maybe the idea of this "feeling good" that this man gives you..........try to give the good feelings back to yourself. Wow, i hope that made sense!

Now, is he "alot" younger?? don't answer if you don't want to.

April 7, 2010
3:55 pm
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darkeyes
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yes he is alot younger..i dont kno what he see in me but he see something..i havve said all the things i could posible say but he has said why not go slow, see where it goes. im potecting me and him in all this..i only kno him by what he tell me but i think thats with everyone in life..see im afraid i dont ever want to feel the hurt and pain ive been through in my life again..maybe ill let it go again and see what comes back..I like feeling alive i havnt felt like it in yrs or my lifetime i think...need to sit with this i think and see what happens....thanks camer hugs

April 7, 2010
4:10 pm
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atalose
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dark,

Where does your husband fit into all of this? Are you not still married and with no plans to leave him, right?

Is this acceptable to your husband, that you seek men on the inter-net to have "fantasy relationships" with?

You are seeking to build a new life for yourself and that's great, but don't you think you need to end something like your marriage before you begin searching for new men in your life?

It's like your going to build a new structure right on top of a decaying foundation; it's never going to hold.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 7, 2010
4:11 pm
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fantas
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Okay, he needs to come see you or you him. Otherwise, it`s all theoretical at this point. You make getting attached to the idea of a relationship or avoiding real life relationships by going through the motions with this long distance one. I have done this almost in all my relationships...

April 7, 2010
4:11 pm
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StronginHim77
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You are setting yourself up for more pain. The red flags are flying.

Red Flags:

1. Considerable age gap, meaning you are at different stages of Life.

2. Very little in common in terms of Life experiences, due to age gap.

3. No daily, direct, face-to-face contact. Impossible to "know" someone via emails, the internet and phone calls.

4. Your own admission that you "feel alive." Pure codie talk.

I am very concerned. You need to reassess the wisdom of this. Sometimes, we do set ourselves up for failure and pain.

- Ma Strong

April 7, 2010
4:39 pm
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darkeyes
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thank you all!!yes you are all right in what you say...i asked for your help cos i knew ye would all make it very clear to me what i wasnt paying attention too..atalose my hubby is living his own life right now, we still live under the same roof but thats it...and yes i was trying to build a new structure on a decaying foundation.. i have to start all over again and start building a new one, was it, i think trying not to deal with reality for a bit and just have some fun but it dont work like that..this guy is the only one ive met online, and he was through a friend..10 steps forward 50 back so its start all over again.. think its time now to step back and just take care of me, im too old to go out there again..i havnt a clue in what im doing even trying..do you know what i feel right now its to just give up..thank you all for being there..((hugs))reality sucks right now...

April 7, 2010
5:01 pm
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andii
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keep the ball in his park. then you only need respond. He will either do something or he won't. Above all don't cling to him- you will likely be sorry when you can't get him off of you. Much of the beginning of any relationship is fantasy- heck you could meet this guy and not even like the way he smells. Might be a big turnoff. Fantasies are truly delightful, but they are fantasies. Indulge only momentarily, don't let them be a cornerstone of decision making.

good luck

andii

April 7, 2010
5:44 pm
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atalose
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Dark,

I'd say about the only thing you need to give up right now is, being married. It's not going to make a difference whether or not you are actually husband and wife living as a married couple or simply co-habituating under the same roof, not too many “healthy' people are going to want to venture into a loving relationship with you under those kind of conditions – you having a husband. And how on earth could you possible give of yourself wholly to someone else while still married. Its not fair to them and it's not fair to you.

The key word I used was “healthy” attracting healthy is what you should be seeking in your “new” life and anyone willing to get themselves involved with a married woman is not healthy, sorry but they are not. And if he doesn't know you are married, then you are starting a new relationship on lies and deceit.

I have no doubt in my mind that you deserve a loving, caring partner to share your life with and I also have no doubt you will find that person but you got some lose ends you need to tie up first.

(((dark))))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 7, 2010
6:37 pm
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darkeyes
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andii thank you, atalose yes he has said all what you have said to me, that not for him but myself should i put the past into place to begin a new life, he has said even its not with him i should not live the way i do its destrutive..he doesnt know what will become of our friendship cos he is so far away, but he has been honest and said feelings are coming into it now..he is just taking small steps i think its I whose taking giant ones..theres isno presure from him.. he has said its my life to choose, and any choices i make they have to be mine..start at the foundation get rid of the decay and rebuild,even if its on my own.. thank all!!!

April 7, 2010
8:52 pm
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atalose
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((dark))

What keeps you staying with him and this marriage? Is it religious beliefs? Is it a sense of obligation to your children? Is it fear?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 8, 2010
4:22 am
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darkeyes
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atalose its all of the above you mentioned!!!im stuck and cant move on in reality.. maybe now im begining to understand why i communicate in fantasy with this guy and the last, it was only by ph or online and never in person cos it is safe.. maybe its my escape from it all.. i think im 10 steps along then im 10 back in all this cos something else comes up for me to sort..what can i do!!!im tired of always bein the one to fix everything right now...im sick of being me, i hate being the eldest child who always took care of everyone else and never me. im sick of my value system when it wont allow me to not care.. right now i wish i wasnt me....

April 8, 2010
6:14 am
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CAMER
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darkeyes...does the "other" guy know that you are married, with the hubby living in the same house...and how does he feel about that, does he still want to chat online & phone??

April 8, 2010
8:08 am
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darkeyes
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hi camer!! yes this guy knows every thing.. id never hide anything about me...im honest with everyone..think its over for good with this guy now also..do you kno what i dont care anymore its just sucks...il never love again or put myself in a situation with anyone again.. jee im pretty bad to day mentally and a few weeks ago i thought i was on the road to recovery...

April 8, 2010
9:30 am
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atalose
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dark,

Nope, once you’ve opened Pandora’s Box of recover there is no going back no matter how hard you try. We can’t un-know something, it just doesn’t happen that way.

All of those things that you mentioned:

Communicating with a potential love interest on the internet or phone – is safe. This is something you've learned.

Being the eldest child and taking care of everyone else, that kind of falls into a birth order in life where the eldest was expected to help out with the younger ones, it’s a natural role when you are a child----------but you are not a child anymore and neither are any of your siblings……..kind of time to step into your adult role in life now. This is something else you have learned and discovred about your why's in how you approach life.

No one says you don’t have to care, why that would make all of us sociopaths. It all comes down to learning the BIG difference between love and caring and OVER responsibility of SOMEONE ELSE’S life, we tend to get very confused with our thinking especially when we’ve thought that way most of our life.

Just because I tell someone I love no or allow them to handle their own life and responsibilities-------doesn’t mean I don’t care or that I don’t love them…..I love them and myself enough to let them learn life on life’s terms………not on MY terms.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 8, 2010
11:12 am
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darkeyes
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thanks atalose your the best!! i have all the pieces of lifes puzzle but need to put them back in place again..i get so confused by it all sometimes.. the guy online is a great bloke honestly, it only ever started out as friends, will have to wait until after my sons wedding to make any major changes to my family...start at the foundation to get rid of the decay to rebuild so the structor will hold what a wonderful way you put it atalose..il never stop caring, cos to me thats a wonderful gift i have...thank you all so much id be so lost only for all yer help love and honesty...((loads of hugs)))

April 8, 2010
11:58 am
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atalose
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How exciting a wedding, when is your son getting married?

((dark))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 8, 2010
12:48 pm
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darkeyes
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atalose my son is getting married in july!! really looking forward to it.. my eldest is building a new home so he'l be getting married next yr.. its all good with my children... their all happy!!was just on ph to other guy he doesnt want to lose my friendship so asked to just let things be what will be..he really is a great guy...my hubby is my best friend we spoke about that today he loves me but he is being honest thats its friendship..after the wedding i have to make choices about my life..why do we love people so much.. i rather die than hurt anyone...

April 8, 2010
6:33 pm
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atalose
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dark,

That was a good talk you had with your hubby today, how did that make you feel when he told you he loves you as a friend and not a wife? What was your response to him about that? Did you share your feelings with him regarding wanting something different in the way of love and intimacy?

What about your hubby, do you think he has another woman in his life to share intimacy with?

I know many couples who love each other because they have been together for so long and have been through a lot together but both decided to seek new lives and separate and divorce in order to fully move on in life. They have remained friends and life is good all around.

The way I see it, he's given you your out so to speak, now it's up to you to take it.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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