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i wonder am i codependant???
May 13, 2007
2:15 pm
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depressed teen
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i am new around and need to get into the flow of things...im in a situation i feel as if i cant be apart from my partner. but when we're together i feel as if i want tp scream from the annoying remarks i recieve about where have i been what did i do has anyone phoned. why do i put up with it. i need major help i guess. DT

May 13, 2007
3:46 pm
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AQueen
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First off, welcome to AAC. You didn't give many details but from the few you did give it sounds like your partner may have control issues if he is questioning you about where you've been, who you were with, who you spoke with on the phone and so on. Lot's of women in disfuctional relationships have issues with codependency, that's why we put up with the crap they dish out. My ex was rarely physically abusive but he was very controlling and verbally abusive. I find that attend a weekly support group for domestic violence victims, victims of controlling men, codependency has helped me so much. If I didn't have support I would've let my ex come back like I did so many times.

It boils down to what we are willing to put up with. What is so lovable about this person we claim to be in love with? Are we living in a fantasy world hoping this man will change and become the man you want him to be. Are we in love with a man that no longer exists, a man who used to be wonderful but has taken off the mask and is now showing his true self. Men with problems aren't always jerks otherwise they would've have gotten us into their web. No, they are wonderful at first. Then after they are sure we are hooked they start to show their true self. If they were a jerk right off the bat we wouldn't have given them the time of day. So of course they are Mr. Right in the beginning. They are trying to get you to fall in love with them, but it's not really them. See it's just an image they portray. The controlling behavior only gets worse. I'm just giving you some info as I really don't know your situation. I'm assuming there is a problem if you're posting on a site like this. We don't come here because life's great. We come here for answers, support, advice, to share our story and strenght with others. Take care and tell us more.

AQueen

May 13, 2007
4:05 pm
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depressed teen
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well he can be very manipulative in his words

He acts as if he wouldn't hurt a fly...dont get me wrong he wouldn't raise a finger towards me. but i find him being very inquizative over my every action.

its as if he doesn't trust me or as if his playing mind games.

i have told him before that if all this questioning carries on and all this arguing-because we argue alot- then i will end the relationship

i really do love him but i just can't take his ways.

he knows that i can't take a man crying infront of me ...it pulls me to pieces to see any male cry ...and its as if he does it on purpose and i cant help but to feel sorry for him.

it's really hard to explain...

i have asked for a break ...just for a little while. a week or so ..just to get my head straight and i want to be able to do this without worrying but because of the attachment we have from living together for so long is really straining this seems virtually impossible.

i live with my parents still and he lives with us because he was disowned by his family...my mother allowed him to live with us temp but since he moved in he has been here all the time. occaisionally going to work or another relative place for an hour or so. and then he'd be straight back here with the questions. i really cant take it.

depressed teen

May 13, 2007
4:28 pm
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AQueen
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Numerous red flags. Family disowned him, big red flag. Doesn't have his own life with friends and hobbies, another red flag. You fight a lot, another flag. He does the 20 questions routine anytime you're apart, yet another red flag. Doesn't live on his own, cannot support himself, red flag. He is manipulative, red flag. This isn't looking good. There is a book called How to spot a dangerous man, or something close to that. It's a great book to read so you learn what to type of guys you need to stay away from. Since he doesn't have a family of his own he will probably try to make you feel guilty when you leave him. If you stay he will probably want you to double as a girlfriend and mom in one package. He might have a lot of anger over his family disowning him. You have to think here, you must have done something pretty friggin bad for his own family to disown him. He might be lying to you, candy coating the incidint or downright lying so you'll have sympathy for him and want to save him. It sounds like you stepped right into that role by letting him move in to your parents house of all places. When we're young we tend to focus on a guys looks or his car and if he's cool or not. He don't think about the other stuff that's much more important like what are his goals, how does he treat his mom and sisters, what was his home life like, does he use drugs, has he been in trouble with the law, does he work, does he have his own life, what were his past relationships with girls like, is he in debt, those are just some things I thought off of the top of my head that are very important to know when getting serious with someone.

You say you can't take this, so what is your plan? What is so lovable about him, seriously ask yourself that question. What if nothing changes, are you comfortable with that? If not then start doing the work to get out of the situation.

AQueen

May 13, 2007
4:41 pm
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depressed teen
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yh well i dont really know much about his personal life...all i no that he loved his family and he got kicked out for for goin behinde his moms back to find his dad.

from the things he has told me about his mom i makes me think yes she's a bitch.

he doesn't do drugs anymore but i no that he used to. he doesn't drive because he flunked his test 4 times. and he has a crapy part time job.

he was wrongly accused by the police once . and he'll always tell me ..." you dont understand how lucky i am to have you as my girlfriend" he has told me that all his other relationships havent lasted long. his longest was 4months...

and to be honest i dont have a plan. i and i dont know what is lovable about him. i think my trouble was that i came out of a really depr4essing relationship with some other guy and ...my current boyfriend was who i fell back on. so it was rebounded then wasn't it?

i just dont know what to do...

depressed teen

p.s fantastic update i'm really pleased for you.

May 15, 2007
11:14 am
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AQueen
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Sounds like you settled for someone, anyone because you didn't want to be alone after the end of your serious relationship. So yeah he was a rebound guy. Maybe you should get some counseling and support so you can work on the issues that cause you to seek relationships like this. Get to the root of the problem so you can figure out why you can't handle being alone, why you settle for any guy, why you stay in a dead end relationship with a dead end guy.

I'm attending counseling and support groups and I've grown so much as a person and as a woman. I'm working on the issues that cause me to seek unhealthy men, use drugs, be codependent, stay in deadend unhealthy relationships and so on. Counseling works. Support groups are free and they really help you stay strong when you are trying to stick to your boundries. My support group has really helped me stick to no contact with my ex. He's begging from jail through his mom for me to drop the no contact order. NO WAY. I'm done with him. I have to have a talk with her today to set some things straight. I want her to know my stance on the whole thing with my ex and his wanting to get back together. She's acting like I should give him another try just because he's saying he'll stay clean and be good. He's said that 1000's of times and he's in jail! Of course he'll say anything while in jail but when he hits the streets it's a different story. I feel like she wants me to take him back so she doesn't have to deal with him and that's selfish of her. He is not good for me or our son right now. I'm not trying to prevent him from having a relationship with his son but he has to be clean and he has to make the effort to see him. And right now if he decides to see him when he gets out the visits will be supervised because I cannot trust him. He kidnapped my son. He's not clean. Just because he's in jail and not using right now doesn't mean shit. She's getting pulled into his crap by charming her. She's acting like he's changed. He's in jail, he's been there for a week. Nothing has changed. He's there because he didn't show up at court. He had to show up at court because he assaulted my mom and kidnapped his son. I mean come on! So it will be hard to get firm with her but I have to for my piece of mind. You can get out of this deadend relationship. You just have to take action. Don't talk about it, don't threaten him. Just leave. Stop all contact. Move on and get support and counseling. You'll be so happy you did once you do it.
AQueen

May 15, 2007
1:32 pm
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loverbee
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although it does sound codependent, I do know that a lot of poeple are afraid of change. Maybe you are just scared to leave because you don't have a plan of what that could look like. It could help to try to envision what your life would look like without him. Just a thought.

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