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I wish he'd leave
August 2, 2007
3:35 pm
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jastypes
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Some of you know my story; others do not. I've been married for 22 years now. Most of that time has not been good. My husband was a drug addict for most of that time. I believe he has been clean for about 2 years now, but he never went into a recovery program.

He was also having an emotional affair for the past 10 years, but that seems to have cooled.

I do not know why I didn't divorce him sooner. We have 4 children, the youngest of whom is now 13. We have been separated several times, but at present he lives at home full-time. We've been in counseling a few times. Things get a little better, and then they go back to the way they were.

After having gastric bypass surgery 8 weeks ago, I am starting to feel confident, and like maybe I deserve a life that includes love and happiness. Or maybe not even love, but freedom from constant irritation, guilt, worry, fear, hurt, disappointment, anger, etc. I told my husband that in one year's time, if he hasn't figured out how to put his energy into our relationship, then I will be filing for divorce. Now I'm sorry I said that.

He has tried putting energy into the relationship, and I refuse it at every turn. It feels like too little, too late. I feel like if I go ahead and enjoy it, I'll just get hurt again, because he'll never be able to maintain a level of respectful and honoring behavior. He never has been in the past.

I want a divorce. He doesn't. I'm still conflicted. He loves me. I know he does. He was so solicitous when I had my surgery. People who saw him with me just had to tell me how obvious it is that he loves me. blech. I don't love him. I've told him that. Still he doesn't want our marriage to break up. Or maybe secretly he does, but he's not going to be the one to file for divorce.

I'll be using the boards here to vent my feelings and get feedback from y'all.

August 2, 2007
3:39 pm
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Honolulugal
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Well, Jas, maybe let things lie until you get a handle on your overall feelings? You have gone through a major, major lifechange and will be going through lots more, as you adjust to the "new you."

Perhaps "coasting" is a good idea? So happy for your results from the G.B.! Good on ya!

H-gal

August 2, 2007
3:46 pm
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caraway
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jastypes,

Proceed with caution! There are many people who shed the weight and then become resentful of the attention that they have craved all along.

Are you certain that on some level you don't want to punish him? You may find that you really do love him.

Take it slow.

Cary

August 2, 2007
3:53 pm
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jastypes
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I'd love to love him. I've prayed about. I just can't seem to work it up. I've worked the 12 steps. I think I've forgiven him, that I'm over the resentment, and then it's back. I can't seem to get over the fact that he lied to me for years. He lied on our honeymoon. He lied when I was having our children. He lied when we were going through foreclosure. I found out about his lies about 12 years ago.

Then it happened again. I found out he was using heroin for a year before he told me. I found out he got high with our son. All the anger, hurt, betrayal, disappointment came rushing back.

In December he lied to me about having dinner with this other woman. They talk on the phone almost daily (or at least they did up to a couple of months ago). She used to visit him at his apartment when we were separated They bought each other gifts. Just a few weeks ago I found a card from her. It was loving and mushy, not a friendship card, and certainly not a birthday card as he tried to make me believe. Again, all the hurt feelings came flooding back and I just think I've had enough.

I do know I'm going to be doing a lot of changing, which is one of the reasons why I told him I wouldn't make a decision for a year. Now I've got that time to get my head around all of this. Thanks for listening.

August 2, 2007
4:26 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Jastypes -

Betrayal is hard to forgive. And just because we have forgiven does not mean we must "resume the relationship." Sometimes, it is not even wise to do so.

Your husband stepped WAY over the line when he did drugs with your son. That would be a bigger deal breaker for me than even infidelity. (And infidelity is HUGE in my personal book.)

You are facing some major self-image changes in the months to come. Gastric bypass surgery is such a big step. The dramatic improvements in your health AND appearance can have a tremendous impact on our emotions and self-image. Right now, you are in alot of upheaval and transition. I would recommend counseling to you, to help you through all these adjustments and life-changing decisions. And keep venting here. You do, indeed, have alot on your plate and need support, encouragement and an objective "sounding board" for your impending marital decisions.

- Ma Strong

August 2, 2007
5:43 pm
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maripocita
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hey! am very happy for you..I know that you don't know me but I was reading a little about what you are going truth. I don't know how is it to be with someone like that, I myself have a lot of problems with my bf and we have been together for 2yrs only and for me is hard to be without him even that we are down and up we are still together but sometimes he makes me feel very bad I'm still with him is just so hard to leave him....

but as for you I think that your a great person and that you have gave him most your life for him to be the way he is with you, I don't really know how you feel but I bet is something like about the way I feel almost every weekend...

I hope for the best for you and that you do the best for yourself I really think you deserve the best in the world and I think god haves something very special for you don't give up.......

August 2, 2007
7:26 pm
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fantas
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Congratulations on your G.B. You must be experiencing life in a whole new way!

While I understand how fed up you must be with your husband for all that he has done to you. I think that you have let him believe that you are still interested in the relationship by asking him to shape up before the year is out. Which he is doing. At the very least, you should let him know that you now realize there is not amount of work on his part that will cause you to stay with him.

Like the others have suggested, I think you shouldn't take time and adjust to all that is happening around you. Seek therapy to address the issues that caused you to have weight issues and put up with your husband for this long before you make more life changes.

Again, good for you!! for starting this ball rolling for yourself. You deserve all the healthy love the universe can give.

August 3, 2007
8:33 am
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sleepless in uk
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Jas

I am going through a little of that myself, (Anyone ever tried to get a spouse to leave)

I dont have any answers, wish I did, but I do know that for me, once I had made the decision that I want no more of it, it would make little difference what he did. Like you say, way too little, way too late.

But I do really struggle with the whole guilt thing and feeling responsible for him. I don't want to, and I resent it but it is there.

I just want to be free to be me without constantly walking about on eggshells second guessing his mood.

I want to make decisions that affect my life without always having to ask permission for every little thing.

I have been married a similar length of time as you have.

I think we need to realise that the time in front of us may well be shorter than the time behind us. It would be good to take that time for ourselves

good luck

August 3, 2007
9:36 am
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obsessia
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JAS:
If your husband has stopped using but isn't in any type of 12 step program then how is he supposed to recover? It seems to me as if you've taken your life back and want to live a happy, fulfilling life. It also sounds as if there is too much water under the bridge, too much damage done between you and your husband. Perhaps distance is exactly what is needed at this time. I'm all for proceeding with caution, but I also believe one should "live like they were dying" I think you know in your heart what feels right for you to do. Counseling will help as well.

August 3, 2007
12:34 pm
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jastypes
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I say I'm done with the marriage. But am I? Confusion is one of the things I am experiencing. I've been hurt. I don't want to hurt him. I want my freedom. Will freedom suck? Will I miss him? Will I miss having a husband? Will I be more lonely than I am now? Is that even possible? Can I forgive him? Can I love him? Should I even try again? What will my life look like after divorce? Will he use drugs again? Will he never use drugs again? Does that even matter anymore? Will I love someone some day? Will I ever be loved again by a man? Should I get divorced when I feel so confused and conflicted? Will I ever really feel peace about a decision to divorce? Will I ever feel peace about a decision not to?

This is the ranting that goes on in my brain. Welcome to my world.

August 10, 2007
9:50 am
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wannabe
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mum used to tell me

1. "When you are sure about something-Do it"

2. "When you are not sure-Dont do it"

3. "when you are confused-wait aliitle longer, Pray, Get advice and Ponder. then make the decison WHEN YOU ARE CALM AND SOBER"

I dont know if it can work here..

August 10, 2007
11:56 am
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red blonde
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Why not go for a trial separation?

August 10, 2007
12:00 pm
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feelingfree
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Jas~

I would highly recommend separation first. That will give you some insight on the rest..

August 11, 2007
2:45 am
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bizchick
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I don't know the whole story here but when I wanted my abusive dead beat guy to leave I turned off the money, turned off the food, turned off the buying into his BS and guess what, he finally left. I was better for it and he was definitely better off too. I was keeping him stuck by letting the dance continue.

That commercial about stop cooking with cheese totally cracks me up because it is so to the point. We totally do it to ourselves when it comes to unwanted guests/mates/abusers.

Good luck with your efforts. There is happiness on the other side if you allow it.

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