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I went down to the sea today
May 9, 2002
11:07 pm
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nikka
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Once they rid you of the petunias, perhaps they will eat weeds! hahahaha. One supposes that at one time they ate something other than petunias if they are native. I suspect East of LA has had petunias for no longer than 85-90 years? ---

Creatures of time aren't we, dear? And space. All of it tied into us like the seawater and the blood, eh? -- You sounded better, and the overflow energy was grand to hear of. A bigger outlet? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Two gallons of Rocky Road Ice Cream? Do they still sell ice cream in CA or is it only yoghurt or flavored tofu there, Molly? hahahahaha.

I need the surfacing myself right now. All day work, two hours of tutoring and helping the 12-year old for free. Got here at 10:20 and am about to leave in six minutes and could use the energy just to sleep right now. Long day. Night. ((hug))

May 10, 2002
11:22 am
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nikka
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There is a startling quality about the day today. Beginning with awakening 1/2 hour prior to the alarm after not getting to sleep past midnight. I was startled. Six hours before I usually do that, today but five.

Then the ride to work, startling in the paucity of cars about and the usual 45 mns to go fourteen miles was only 25. Got to work w/out quite knowing what to do.

Then the advent of a client who said she would rather deal w/ me than partner. (First thot, what's the manipulation, and there may be one,) Her answer startled me -- "Nikka, I know I hated you when I first got here, but I think I can tell you things I cannot tell myself."

Then scherza's warmth at my thread post.

Then the just-repaired-yesterday elevator came unraveled and stuck a client (wouldn't ya know, panic attacks, claustrophobia) in the basement and just now the fire department -- entire fire department seemingly) has arrived outside my office window.

And very early the sky, startled blue like Algerian shore in Jersey and I wanted so bad to have a burnoose and to spend the day in a tent at an oasis, eating figs and goat cheese, with a wise Arab who would teach me all the secret words of the Koran, and show me where Goddess hides herself in the beautiful arabic script.

Startling, today. Like I might be awake in just the next moment. Like I will never have to bat an eye again. Like I know that eternity is here and there and it's mine as well as yours, all of yours. And that you, you, and me, we, brothers,sisters, are ocean and sky and the beginning (a) middle (u) end (m) and have always been thus. Namaste

May 10, 2002
2:43 pm
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nikka
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Sister scherza, on the beach, by the grass hut door again, a halved coconut with the milk for you, a ripe red mango, gleaming and a small knife, and a wedge of white cheese and slice of pita in the cotton gauze scarf beside the mango. Everyone knows they're just for you. Enjoy. ---
I'll try to get by tonight. Go for a swim? Talk to me while Blondie does wirly twirlies with my hair and I listen to her breath w/ my head on her lap? Maybe artist2, Molly, damaged, gypsy, syqg, silence, meka i hill can join us. We can sing songs to Mom till the stars run away, understand that we are goddesses.

May 10, 2002
5:01 pm
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Molly
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So comfortable, content, the breeze is warm. Great idea, but we must get back to the boat soon.

May 10, 2002
7:14 pm
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nikka
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Yes, dear Molly, but not until Monday!
For now, the beach and mangoes, and my dear brothers and sisters of the threads. The stars and the moon just at morning, when Blondie's fingers become Aurora's, our sister, guiding the sun.

May 11, 2002
8:12 pm
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nikka
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Hey, scherza, I put your gift a few posts up from here. Sorry about misidentifying where it was. Namaste.

May 12, 2002
12:39 pm
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nikka
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Mother, compassionate and gentle one, seed of us all and All. I worship thy face as the rain falling on the earth and the grey clouds, shading toward blue and steel. I worship thee as the core of my brothers and sisters in these threads. Take their pain and teach them to braid it into strength and compassion. Especially, Mom. today I thank you for R2, Blondie, Molly, Tez, guest_guest, scherza, damaged/t4c, gypsy, cici, syqg, Meka I Hill, silence, gingerleigh, artist, and all those whose names I either do not know or have forgotten. Mother, allow me to always hallow both the callings you bring to others and that which I have been given. Teach me, Mom, to bow to your face in all, to be patient, and to accept joyfully what thy magnificence brings to my hand and face.

May 13, 2002
8:49 am
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scherza
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I feel very very touched just right now. Thanks for the love, Nikka....

I am fascinated...completely fascinated...with how words on a green colored screen can make me feel this way. Without ever having met you or touched you or heard the sound of your voice...you have this healing power...in cyberspace.

Thanks for the wonderful gift, Nikka....

I hope I can learn how to be like you....

May 13, 2002
9:23 am
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nikka
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Thanks for the compliment, but I cannot hope that you will learn that trick. It has taken 50 years just to become the rather imperfect me that is here.

My hope for you is that you will learn to be scherza, my sister. I feel a strength in you that is far greater than that I feel in me.

I am merely grateful to Mother for allowing me the pleasure of your cyber-company. 🙂

May 13, 2002
10:38 am
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nikka
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Namaste.

Good morning, Molly of the Great American West, may the freeway flee from you and peace be under your feet all day long.

I have felt so incredibly wonderful all weekend. Our brother Tez challenged me last week w/ one of his questions and I have felt my eyesight improve much due to the effort I have had to put into self-examination.

Our sister scherza brings joy to my life when she gives me words on this green page.

I look forward to your greetings, Sister. Hell, today, I have been looking forward to the schoolyard problems of my beautiful addicts. They are such a joy! I spoz I could have had as much joy teaching k-4, maybe shoulda used that teaching certificate longer rather than going into social work.

Love to you. 😉

May 14, 2002
2:46 pm
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nikka
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The joy remains and some understanding that today pain doesn't have to be a companion of the heart, just one of the medical bed. Yesterdy was draining and difficult and at the end I was able to stand it. Not the story I desired to tell, but the one that had to be told.

The storms stopped sometime after I wemnt to be, the last clouds blew out just as I took daog out for a walk and the sun, already risen came out and limned the trees with yellow and green halos.

I'm tired, need the sea and just want to turn away, from

May 14, 2002
2:59 pm
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scherza
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Enjoy your much needed rest, Nikka.... Treat yourself with reverence as ever before. I have a beach house you can use for as long as you need it. Recharge your batteries...let the love flow through again.... Let me wrap you up in Mother's love...my love and prayers go to you, dear one.....

May 14, 2002
3:26 pm
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Molly
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Ahhhhhhhhhh the demands of the gifts that you have. Thank goodness, or goddess, that you have the knowledge to let go, and restore what you have given. It is indeed amazing the comfort that we give and receive from these green pages. The weather here has been so warm, to early for such heat, the fires have allready started. All the signs of a miserable summer are here, with the threat of rain this winter. Our ocean here is hurting our animals. We have a dangerous alge that is effecting our seals and pelicans like well the paper said PCP. They just opened a beach that has been closed for several months due to high levels of sewage, which they can't figure out where it is comming from. so sad. To many people ? I successfully navigated the freeway this morning, amazed at the number of cars, and wondering how many more to come. I will share with you all that I have this horrible doomsday feeling that I repress, some days it is in neon, some days I am able to forget about it, however it has been with me since 1981. Shades of Bladerunner. Oh well I am better today, than yesterday, must be the heat.

May 14, 2002
5:05 pm
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scherza
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Molly...a hug for you.....

May 14, 2002
5:13 pm
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Molly
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thank you my friend, I will wear it,

May 14, 2002
5:17 pm
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nikka
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Thank you both, Goddess, works in strange ways, the damnable computer at work froze again and 'from' the last word wasn't. I had typed another 4 lines before seeing that nothing was on the page. A good place to stop.

Scherza, thank you, I'll take the blanket and the house? I'd rather a hut, but what's there is what's there.

Molly, I love you. Yes, the gifts. The gifts are difficult and come at great price -- nor would I pass them along for the sake of being someone else w/ other prices to pay. I'll pay my own. Another today, one who gave her life away to a man she was ignorant of. Now her life is shut down to a bottle, a house she cannot stand to be in and, I think, the sinking thought that she is unable to do what muxt be done -- she gave her gift away, as we so often do, or attempted to. -- My prayer is that she will take the time to discover it still there, waiting for her to resume her work.

Scherza, gimme a day to rest. We can talk? Maybe at the end of the tired will come enlightenment. Love you all.

Miss you, Xena. Be well.

May 15, 2002
9:54 am
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scherza
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Nikka: Rest well....hugs to you.....

Molly: My prayers to you...that you get your life back and better than ever....

May 15, 2002
2:37 pm
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nikka
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Namaste.

Molly -- So, two prices: misunderstanding, fear even, and the draining that comes. Yes. Funny, how people will think one is so very strong and one feels delicate, not strong. -- Strength, I suppose, is relative.

Altho a center client told me not an hour ago that I looked drained, wanted to be sure I hadn't been 'drinking on the job' 'no, just an orange soda and water.' -- Good, Nikka, (she knew my name, I didn't her's) we need good'uns like you to be here for us -- Strength replenishment from odd places. Severe MI, some MR and yet... a gift? At least today for me, nice to know someone's looking out and trying to see.

Have you heard from Blondie? I miss hearing her. Last night would have been good to have had my head on her lap and she could have been Xena, not letting anyone touch the hem of my garment, so to speak.

You and scherza are a wonderful support. Spiderwoman, I can see that, center of a web. You made so much sense. This post is so like the sea for me. Like some kinda old beaver, just had a tree knock out another tooth so I swim here and find you or scherza, now. But no one else since Blondie and gypsy on 4/24.

It's not like it's private or anything. The others just don't come here, altho I'd have to admit it's good for me when I talk w/ Blondie, it's also nice to have a sort of fortress of solitude thread. It's a type of honoring perhaps, like the client's I mentioned above.

Just random thoughts. Talked to tez last week and the random moments have just stopped. One long moment since Friday. Nothing special. Just clarity and that little plain ole patch of joy. Funny. You think of the Center, or being w/ Mother, enlightenment, as some earth-shattering, tongues of fire that everyone sees, speaking in tongues kinda experience. Yet, if this is it, it's just so simple as to be laughable. So simple as to be easily ignored. Guess that may be why not everyone sees it.

Love. And to you scherza, BlondieNYC, ginger, R2, gypsy, damaged/t4c, pam, syqg, pollyuk and pollys girl, tessa, meka i hill, tez, guest_guest, all the rest who see this.

Namaste.

May 17, 2002
11:27 am
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nikka
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We chase so after what passes away and try so hard to hold it from it's passing. The root of frustration, Mom says. -- Me, too, the root of pain -- why have my girls grown up w/out me, I hold on to those moments of 25 years ago and live there, wanting somehow for the past to stop so I can make amends.

It is difficult to realize that the amends are made only by how well I can see life now. See that it passes away and takes another form. Like me, this is born, grows and lives and passes away. Like my thoughts do as well.

I would hold so fast to all of you that you would never change.... But then, the bloom would be off of the flower, the girl would've turned to gold and, thus, no longer be girl. I like King Midas would be even more bereft.

I seek what's eternal and it seems to be Consciouness, Mother, The Sea, It, .. God. I Am That, and the wonder, Thou Art That, as well.

Peace to you, brothers and sisters.
Namaste

May 19, 2002
7:09 pm
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SuzyQ
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Nikka,
Wow, you're intense. I read over this earlier and then just skimmed this thread, so I may have missed some things. It sounds like you're a SW at a shelter. I am also a SW/therapist for a school for the MI/MR population as well. I used to be involved in the residential part of this and do some contract work which I will be terminating shortly.
BTW, I have a close friend who used to have a beach house on the Jersey Shore. When you've discussed all of that, I've been picturing myself there. I can't go there this summer b/c I have to work a lot (may give up SW for the summer)& pay off some debts. 🙁 I will be going to AZ in a few days for a reunion, though. May make it to Jersey in the fall.
You're Awesome, Take Care!

May 20, 2002
10:00 am
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nikka
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Thanks, Suze. Altho I have to admit that I don't see the awesome part. But sometimes others see us better than we do ourselves. I accept your sight. Thanks and enjoy AZ and pay your summer be richly rewarding.
Love to ya.

May 20, 2002
10:01 am
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nikka
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Oops. 'May' your summer be richly rewarding. Gotta proof these better before posting. 😉

May 26, 2002
7:24 pm
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nikka
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Here is where I belong. It is where the wind meets me fully as a sister. Where the sun isn't god, but just an aspect of what we all are, energy. This is where I remember to touch each of you w/ love, and to open myself to receive and then transfer your love.

There is salvation for me at the sea, for it is there I am reminded to see deeply into my own heart/soul.

Thanks for the reminders Blondie, scherza. Please come and peek, damaged, I miss your wit. Besides if you go to NYC w/ Blondie, you'll just get into a mess anyhow. Besides here in Jersey the sea only brings medical waste to the shore! Did you read all that yucky stuff that the sea brings to Brooklyn?! 😉

May 26, 2002
8:16 pm
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nikka how are you? I am just hanging out here in N.M with no sea but we do have the mountains. I rode today a few miles and hung out with friends. Just got done watching the Lakers and Sacramento what a damn good game! Robert is my honey, loved him when he was with the Rockets!!!!!What a damn good 3point shot. That is one we will be seeing for a long time on replay. nikka when you are at the sea tonight will ya think about me under the full moon!!!

Molly your team sure did a hell of a job. WOW what a shot!!!!

May 26, 2002
11:18 pm
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nikka
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I will think of you each night, as I do you all. NM must be a lovely state, you and gyps both there. Who's Robert?

Wanna come dance w/ the wild sisters on the beach and under the full moon?

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