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I went down to the sea today
April 29, 2002
9:35 pm
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nikka
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Molly. Namaste. Wow. I should probably stop here, I'll only mar the long post (thank goddess, either it or the repeat showed up.) -- You impress with your humor, your experience which you so readily and thoughfully share. -- Honor your calling -- Secondtime I heard that today. The first, actually mighta been from you but due to twilight zone/stargate missed it till now. The first was from the man next door at the center. The Sufi. I so respect him. Know I couldn't be anything like him, but guess what, he disagrees. Told me today that I should never second-guess myself. He says I have excellent judgement and most of all compassion and firmness. Never really knew that. A goal, I thot was beyond my ability. Now this from you. -- The sea is all in my heart. O, I live close enough now so that if I can handle New Jersey roads and drivers for fifty minutes I can be there just to sit if I want, but I have also found that place within in these past few days. Odd, Raised with that notion that perfection is impossible and perhaps so, but praise from the two of you on the same day and able to say, sorta outloud, that the sea is in me (Mother/Krishna/Jesus/Allah/Kali/Artemis) now that is quite an accomplishment for a from the get go inferiority complexed person! The breakthrough is nice. -- I will not leave this work till they drag me out (dead or alive) Your so right, life/death shark/seal and the knowing that you are just there -- the real fight is someone else's -- just a catalyst, no part in the reaction just make a favorably disposed place for it to happen. (A low-pressure system, making it safe for tornados and rain?) --- But the sea is just where it always is, within, in the blood and the heart and the head. Just as the cloud is always in the white sheet of paper. Thanks, Molly. You are a dear, and a wise one at that. Sorry about the glitch, have Sybil buy you a new one and then have him swear that only an authorized tech will get to work on it hereafter? Dunno, you're a big girl now, do whatcha want. O< 😉

April 30, 2002
12:59 pm
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Its been a long standing joke between us. He took quite a few computer classes, we had bought a used system for the office a few years ago from a friend, I was excited about all the new programs that I now had access to, he went to do something, and deleted the brain of the system. So his name for a long time was Dr. Death, when it came to computers. There were many years that he wouldn't come near my computer again. He did purchase me this lap top the first of last year as a token jesture to repair his failure as a techi many years ago, ha ha har. Sunday he was suggesting that I clean out all my temp files, which did take quite a while, and changed a setting regarding up dated web pages. So, as I posted, I wouldn't get the update, intuition worked and I was able to fix it, and told him last night. Men are so fragile some times. Just like letting the kids cook dinner, so the eggs are green, you eat them and smile, and make suggestions.
Hear those words that are spoken to you, some people are our mirrors, they help to clarify what we mixup in our own minds. There are no chance meetings perhaps you needed to know that truth about you, soul food.

April 30, 2002
1:43 pm
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O< Aren't they! Big, tough, in- charge, egg shells!hahahahahahaha. But sweet and healthful and understanding, and ham-handed and impetuous and over-cautious, loving and crass and callous, cruel, hard, soft and yielding, terrible and wonderful, wise and silly -- mostly silly until the testoterone dies back a bit. -- I love the analogue to the kids cooking. Perfect! --- And I just told my partner at the center the same thing you just told me -- No chance meetings -- she was talking about people missing what they are meant to hear -- Hp sets the words before us, up to us to hear them. If I'm not where the word is spoken it's not for me. Thanks, dear. Yesterday's words were quite uplifting, but they were yesterday's Today's are your paid attendance is down and your paperwork is three weeks behind. O<

April 30, 2002
1:51 pm
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Tisk tisk, I found, that it wasn't worth it to procrastinate with those damn papers. To much anxiety when the auditors decide to make those sponteanous audits. Oh, to just be able to do the work, and the hell with the structure of some insurance company.

April 30, 2002
2:12 pm
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Yes, too nice -0- in a perfect world where bush jr's mental health money was truly there and not just a state mandate! -- I have already procrastinated for three weeks and the audit, tho just internal is today and I'm already busted, but will have to get em caught up before next weeks monday supervision. Ta. -- o those insurance companies, why can't they just grant us the money? harharhardeharhar

April 30, 2002
3:21 pm
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and by the way more for the troops, and less for the generals ? I saw the article in the paper, and went yea, right! We have hospitals folding left and right, the California health care is beyond bankrupt, and the welfare to work program isn't getting the A+ it thought it would, and now they are claiming, heck, gee, gosh, maybe the sitution is better with the mom's at home to watch over the lil gangsters!
I can remember when I first got to the clinic, all the treatment plans looked xeroxed, get a job, to the mom's with 7 kids at home, yea right!
Ugh what about a parenting class, or lessons in budget and time management. I think I first made a friend, when I reviewed the chart, and said 7 kids, ugh I would do drugs too!!!! then said, or was it the drugs that made 7 kids ? Is that like the chicken and the egg ? I have faith, that you shall clean up your mess, as we never let it get to far out of controll, no ? he he he

April 30, 2002
10:32 pm
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I'll indeed get the mess cleaned, including the bits that were left over in Jan from the last counselor wyho had some of these case -- the dear partner, actually she is a dear altho I'm good cop and she's bad and that works well, because neither of us has to act. She can be compassionate, just doesn't go there first. I can be nasty and just don't go there -- even when unloading these days -- maybe age? -- BTW the turd from last week mentioned way above. He called in today wondering if he can come back. Been at the Comfort Inn for the past week!! I suspect his $$ stash has all gone into his arm/etc and now he wants to be Sper Junkie In Recovery again. Just glad he's gettin another chance -- I much prefer possibilities to prophecy when I have my little premonitions. -- I will try to read for the rest of this week and get caught up at work. Maybe replies at night. Love this site, but it'll cost me a job!! The pay is better at work. And speaking of that yes, why do the Admins get all the bread for dealing w/ all those troublesome forms and those seven hour per day meetings, while the counselors are breakfasting, lunching and supping w/ the addicts and the hope bereft? AH, me, like I said before, i'd do it for free but prefer the paycheck. 🙂 Love to you. O<

May 1, 2002
1:42 pm
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I really got disgusted when I saw the amounts that were paid for the services by medical. We were out patient, counseling was $60 per hour, and we had quotas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
However the average pay was $10-16 per counselor. Its not like they could say that they needed the balance of the funds for other areas, because it was all over compensated, like $30 for a urine test that cost the clinic $12 Its all about money. And they made lots of it, and still do, even with the private pay. Oh well. question, when you do your case presentations, do you use a number or a name ? I always thought a number with just the counselors facts would be the best way, that stiuation would prevent the others counselors bad experience from being reminded at the presentation. Allowing for the group to recognize change. But then we did have several clients that had been on the program since Jesus was a baby.

May 2, 2002
7:32 pm
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In my case a non-profit -- at least for the counselors. But, honest to goddess, Molly -- I truly love the work. -- Like today, partner unexpectedly gone so Nikka did group for six hours, and it isn't so much that I hate groups, love em -- just holding all those threads together for six hours isn't a day by the sea painting my nails and getting a tan. O, they do all the work on themselves, but the keeping them from eating themselves or each other, trying to judge when to hold up a discussion or give it free rein. Then the three newest ones (3 days, 6 days and 10 days clean) were all going berserk and angry as hell at Nikka that I wasn't devoting all my time (their primary) to them. Hello, my wonderful junkie, I'm devoting all three of my available minutes to you, dear. -- And I know it's hard on them -- shoot, the only attention they've had lately is from pimps, johns, other junkies and the cops. Hell, I'd want attention too!! In fact, I do right now. --- They are dears and I so want them to not suffer any more, but my head hurts and my muscles ache. -- Think I'm heading for the shore!!! Meet you there. ((((Hug))))

May 2, 2002
9:40 pm
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Tis a challenge. They are such babies too. Are all of them detoxing heroin, do you do like a taperd dose of methadone, or just imodium d ???

May 3, 2002
10:04 am
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Molly, O< For my money, the imodium d would go down best. F*** the methadone. So often there you see detox that goes on for years and then the joint and internal damage is so great and people are saying why is my body coming apart and the friggin' methadone is the reason and they don't recall being warned or were never warned. With the mostly cold turkey I find responses generally better -- more vivid memory of the pain ?? who knows, just what I've seen and the pain that ensues when, like adddicts do they relapse and I hurt for them and then go about business like nothing happened. -- Altho in the dual programs I've been working in the results tend to be better than avg -- maybe 15% success in keeping the dog at bay for 2 years w/ the chance of balanced brain function for the one's who're sick and tired of being sick and tired -- so i say use the neurontin, zyprexa, tegretol, geodon, seroquel, et al for the MI and give the poor person a chance. -- I don't so much get angry at the "old-timer" attitude of no kinda pill for anything as I am appalled by it -- the way i'm appalled by the anti-abortion folks who think the death penalty is only put into effect about 1/6 as often as necessary and that people's pain is their own fault and F*** em. I disconnect somewhere between the embreyo and the live child outta the womb and then the adolescent and adult the embreyo grows into. Cannot see why the continuity isn't seen. I dunno. Feel so much better today, good enuf to ditch ppwork for another day and try catching up on monday. Super bought breakfast for me this a.m., "dear, that the only way i have to repay you for your marathon work, yesterday." I'm at the shore :)xxoo

May 3, 2002
12:04 pm
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Lucky lucky lucky you !!!!! I am off to my old clinic this am, its true what you say about the methadone, and you forgot to mention the teeth issue. The most sad, is that I will see old clients that will die on the program, and younger faces, who will most likely be there 5 years from now. But at least they are there, I suppose ? Enjoy the shore, I am there with you mentally, while moving 10 mph on the freeway.

May 3, 2002
2:21 pm
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Yuck!, so glad i'm not in CA. -- sounds like LA unless Bay area has gotten as bad (last there in 1978.) Always felt "bad" in LA, dunno, freeways, no real city, dry, smoggy, dull. Just, yuck! Big Sur north, that's the CA that felt best. Just on the coast tho, the valley, just too D***ed hot and dry. All that water coming from elsewhere!! The teeth, I really don't know. Guess the difference is simply the lack of need to steal, mug, etc. Otherwise I don't see the Difference and would prefer the govt get into the Heroin program rather than the methadone program. Netherlands, Swiss etc have done that. Many pounds of prevention for the young'uns and supply for the too far gone. I know we hate to write off anyone, but don't think of it as a right off, think of it is making people comfortable as possible until She takes a hand. These are such very hard answers. Somewhat torn. -- They have done so well today, building a cameraderie that felt soooooo good. Taking partner and me into it. Of course, they ain't all junkies either. Some crack (majority) and etoh, 1 pot, a few benzos, hell, even one who weighed options and is addicted to sominex. I know, seems laughable compared to my terrible, poor junkies, but today I am able to see and feel the pain of a sominex addiction. -- BTW, you're always where I am anyway, silly ole Molly, in the heart. 🙂

May 3, 2002
8:58 pm
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sominix, gosh and golly-- but I did hear of some one that really got used to it.
Big Sur area is just slightly north of where I ran away to for a year, my heart is there. I live east of Los Angels. Sucks big time. I would love to explore some of the coast line in the south, and Florida, each little streach of beach has its own personality. One of these days. However I can get to Laguna in ummmm 55 minuets.

May 3, 2002
9:36 pm
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O<, Hey, Mol, 'bout as far away as me, or maybe further. NJ roads are all these little country pikes filled w/ developments so the 'more $ than brains, maybe $ for brains, crew can 'live in thu cuntry.' Anyhow, La freeway cars all in an itty-bitty living space (kids have been watching the Aladdin video again. Wish I were Jasmin sometimes.) -- Anyhow my fifty minutes may be closer to the sea than your 55. -- The overthecounter boy is such a darlin' -- mostly MI, but strangely sensible. Wanted to abuse for relief (depressive, so he thinks sleep will help) but didn't want to spend oodles of time in jail and couldn't see becoming a whore so decided he'd see if he couldn't abuse sominex. There's a logic there that I can't argue w/. He's a good group member. Mostly listens and says things that seem to get to a point -- generally better than the crackheads who never seem to see that what they are so very bothered by is that they aren't out there using. -- Grief. That is what I think we miss a lot. The grieving process for the drug -- whatever it is -- lost my best friend. I could talk to her like no other, pour out my heart('s blood.) And most of the colleagues I've worked w/ in past are in recovery and have a sorta "that s***'s bad fer ya' attitude. I think they might have forgotten or never were asked to look for the grief involved in giving up a trusted friend and companion, mother/father/lover. Did that make sense. O, well, if not, does to me and I try to lead them that way early on. Some respond well, others, I hate to think they'll never, ever respond. -- The one a few months back, coming to group, holding back everything, chippin and getting a script for klonopin (panic, ya know) thinking he could hide the nods w/ that, but, poor dear managed to ignore the weekly UDS which, of course came in x2 for opiates. (His counselor was thinking he was smoking pot."No, sweetie, that's cannabis, the opiates are heroin, probably. After all that's what's on the street corner and he doesn't have an ongoing script for Paregoric!" (sometimes the recovering don't have up-to-date knowledge of anything but drug of choice.) --- So lay off my sominex-fiend, sistah (did that sound at all like Blondie? -- I just love it when she's all butch!!) --- Super also informed that now that partner's returned that I need to take a day or two -- at the time we're doing the initial work eval together. "But, you've gotta be here 6 mos before you're allowed a vacation day" (after that its reasonable.) -- o just take a couple of day, says she. okay sez I. Will be sensible enuf to ask when is it convenient. Then I think one day in Philly and a day at the shore. Kids in daycare/school so jus me and Mom. --- Love you, have a good weekend. Sorry for running on, but I imagine that you know this is my therapy. Thanks :)xxoo

May 7, 2002
8:51 am
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Well! I am well. The foibles of the psycho-social clan does have the tendency to drive me a bit wild. -- For today I can get a grip, not around the throat, on the 'I'm attracted to my counselor' thread. -- the sun is shining -- the heat is on the way, my car runs, my supervisor will be grading my failed tests on paperwork from last week, I have groups til lunch -- life is good and I am in a safe haven for now. -- Thanks sisters for listening. You all are ever so valuable as listeners.

Now, off to the addicts. See you all later. (((((HUGS)))))) xxoo

May 7, 2002
1:50 pm
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I agree with you 100% on the grief process. I have noticed with many who are in "Recovery" my friends and associates that even refer to them selves as AA Nazi's opps in trouble with that one.... But they haven't finished the process, they forgot to work on the self love part, and some how get stuck in the self loathing.
I used to laugh when going over someones history, like your guy, their astranged logic, like the lady with 7 kids-- heck I would use to. Some compassion, while they get on the right road, ya know... They don't put that stuff in the text books.
Yes, I understand how this is your therapy, it has been mine for quite some time, and allows me to do what I love to do. Share. My one outlet to still try to be of service to others, with out financial gain. However I really need to look out for my fiancial gain, har har har....

May 7, 2002
10:46 pm
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I DO understand that, Molly. Why my a** got a good start today catching up those case files. Have a plan, could implement it if I didn't have to cover umpteen groups for folks taking vacations, kids sick, cars busted, etc... That was bought and bought me more time, but shoot, I have decided, I mean this, not to work on work at home. And no matter what the trouble I know this is one I cannot break. Done that before. Too difficult. -- So, I really won't be seeing a lot until all those things are within a week of being complete.

I could tell you were one of the lovers. There's just something there. You, the Sufi and me, the triumvirate of compassion. -- O, so right. Not in a text and cannot be taught. I think it either just comes to you or you're born w/ it. Which lack of is probably the reason for the ones I rant so about. -- No compassion. Its all about them. -- Of course those w/ the compassion are in danger of working for free. -- I like the Sufi a lot simply because he is so stubbornly compassionate, independent and really knows well how to draw boundaries. -- No one screws w/ him. I think the suits are scared witless of him. Someday... o well, but probably not today, will that be me? A goal, yeah!
Goodnight. I know, you're already gone, but at least you see tomorrow I was in the right place w/ my heart. 😉

May 8, 2002
12:26 pm
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I think mother was trying to send me a message last night. I had a call round 8 or so, it took me a second or two to recognize the voice, especially since she called and said mama is this you ? A client that I had given my home phone to. Two years since I have seen her, she humbly admitted to being on the program, which is a good thing compared to the streets. She had something good to share, and that was great. You know how they hide till there is something good to share sometimes. What a gift.
When you are compassionate, you have to have your boundries in place, that is part of what most the clients lost in their growth process boundries, and compassion. My clients were survivors, they sniff you out, can distingusih real from phoney in a heart beat, bless them. You have to be genuine to obtain their trust, and when you have their trust, you have to be firm. They like the rest of us respect that and the individual that teaches them how. I was so very protected, funny to this day, and I worked with some really great people that had danced with evil, who I believe in my heart that if I needed them would be there in a heart beat. Like don't make me call my home boys, or girls, hehehehe...........

May 8, 2002
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Had some like that as well. Baddest Mfs on the street. At the homeless shelter particularly. They seemed to know that I wouldn't try to beat them down -- tell groups that now. "You do that too well yourself, I'd be redundant." -- Anyhow. I remember this one crazed Viet Vet -- still there. He was about 6'2" and nasty. Always w/ a quart of some potable and I had gate duty. Told him "no" he said fuck you and immediately the ringleaders (I mean godfathers of the street)suddenly to either side, five. And I said, guys, thanks but I can handle this -- They just looked at me like "Nikka, what planet are you from?" Silly me, going on slowly and softly, "Ron, can't let you in with the bottle. Gve it to me, I'll pour it out. They'll be another...." and he, "Nikka, you stupid bitch, the others let me in, they know what to be afraid of. Just let me in. Me an the bottle will shower and leave." and he moved his hand ever so gently and the five surrounded me and took hold of him. -- Me: "LEAVE HIM ALONE GUYS, DON'T HURT HIM." Again, looks, silly bitch, we love you, but you wouldn't last 2 minutes here. --He had a ten inch blade and was coming in. The movement so terribly gently, just the way you want a lover to touch you. I imagine that if he'd have gotten the knife in his hand the cut would have been gentle (& deadly) as well. -- -- The guys ever so wonderful, my keepers. and later George, big George, soft, bi-polar, meaner than a junkyard dog "Nikka, you gotta watch out. We understand you love for us, but you gotta protect yourself. That Gandhi sh** may have been alright in India, where people are civilized." -- An eye opener. -- Compassion does need boundaries, firmness and compassion to escape the sentimentality. I just haven't been able to bear doing anything w/ a closed hand though. --Just a share. Thanks for the time. Hadn't thought of George, charlie, maurice, david and greg in a couple a months. Or ron in a year or so. ---The past is a good reminder, just don't wanna live there. -- Stuck in a moment, like you said. XXOO

May 8, 2002
8:19 pm
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Hi, Molly. You still around?

May 8, 2002
8:40 pm
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I am sorta here, but not my cheery self, har har har.... I have always heeded the warnings of clients, like when doing my intern ship at the CYA, one of the guys said, don't think you should come around for a few days, there is going to be a rumble, and lots of us care about you. Well they found the counsleors body in a dumpster, within a week. Talk about internship, so when the clients at the clinic, said watch him, her , indeed I did take it seriously. going out to the trees and dog... Gotta shake this thing, just might unleash it at the wrong object, or person.

May 9, 2002
6:41 am
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All in green went my love, riding... wish I had my ee cummings to hand, that one I should have memorized. -- That's me today. The memory of spring. Hope the trees and dog worked, I read a bit last night and the day here seemed rather intense w/out warfare though. -- Always listen, my lesson then. The other was that clients often have more heart than the gen pub and than counselors. They have, sometimes, a caring at the soul, one wouldn't expect to find there.

May 9, 2002
8:23 am
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Morning came wet today. Cloudy and a breeze and the air is fresh. Could hope to be that fresh, but I find that freshness arrives if I wait on it. -- It's good to know that those I respect have to go to the wilderness sometimes to refresh. So easy to think that you are the only one. -- Sounds like you may have gotten y'day what I call 'the woman touching the hem of the garment and he felt the power flow out of him' syndrome. I get that way and just have to go away for awhile due to the same fears you expressed. Hope today your energy is restored. Good Morning.

May 9, 2002
12:35 pm
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Rather than energy restored, it has surfaced, and needs a bigger outlet. It is a warm morning here. I truly have an agenda with snails today, could truly fill Blondie's plate, escargo she wants, well I have some plump patunia filled theives. Why oh why don't they eat the weeds ?

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