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I went down to the sea today
April 21, 2002
6:30 pm
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nikka
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Busy weekend. Little League, batting cage, eat out and shopping on Saturday and today to the coast.

Cloudy and cool and the water was that sorta blue sorta green mostly foam at the shore, you know? I could see boats, a ship about 2 miles out.

Boys played tag w/ the tide and the oldest eventually lost. I walked the sand and thought about where I came from, near mother and all that, you know. And found at my feet the prettiest little mussel shell in damp sand, partially covered. Purplish-blue and black w/ a touch of mother of pearl. Shiny. Nice. So I used a fingertip to uncover it and picked it up and held it. Looked at it through strands of my hair blowing across my eyes and watch it dry. And as it dried it dulled. The black turned brown and purple blue became navy and I saw that the mother of pearl seemed to be erosion of the outer surface, probably from sand and surf. The shell was still pretty, but no longer eye-catching, not quite beautiful.

I thought that that's what much of our pain is about. We enjoy a moment so much that we try to keep it with us forever. We uncover a feeling or event w/ out fingertips and put it in our pockets or purses and when we get home with it we put it on the mantle and notice its much duller than before. We wet it and that helps a bit, but it dries again. So we shellac it or laminate it and then notice that it looks plastic and fake and not as it did on the beach where we found it. And often we just keep ourselves lost that way in a moment we lived long ago and our lives become a sort of museum guidebook -- a museum of that one moment. We get afraid to be anywhere else and yet we are so miserable in our quest to find the perfect beauty of that shell as it was partially buried in damp sand, under the wind, w/ gulls swooping and squealing w/ delight, boys at play w/ the surf, parents with children walking and standing on the beach and a ship about two miles out to sea, plying north.

I put the shell back where I had uncovered it, used my fingertip to partially bury it. Then I got in the car and came home. Eventually wrote this. Nice to be back, friends. Thanks for your time. O<

April 21, 2002
7:18 pm
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nikka
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Atlantic, close to you in space, but closer in time as I get to know you here. Boat was probably heading to NYC! Jersey, girl.

April 21, 2002
7:59 pm
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nikka
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And I was thinking more in terms of the way I live, where I want to hold on to this moment, or wish I had never had that moment. -- I'm learning that the only important thing I have to think about, if I must think, is, what am I learning in this moment. Just leave the shell where it is, let the moment be viewed just as it is, w/out a lot or even any input from mind. -- Kinda what we were talking about in another thread the other day -- seems like Molly or maybe R2 and some others, CiCi probably. -- When I try to take that moment with me is when I get or relive or give pain. Letting go is so very, very hard to do.O<

April 21, 2002
8:34 pm
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nikka
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I just moved here after Thanksgiving!!! Born and raised in good ole Tennessee. There are places other than NYNJCON where people eventually learn to say what's what --at least in my opinion. That you know is similar to my a****** though, so there ya go. Thanks. I need to get better at accepting compliments, actually I spoz I am, only took a few seconds to say thanks.HAHAHA O<

April 22, 2002
10:17 am
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nikka
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Born in nashville, raised in Tri-Cities, left TN for 14 years, came back to ETn and just completed 13 years in Nashville again. You're right, Chattanoga is lovely, especially now that you can see it-- a wonderful example of air-pollution control. Recall as a kid riding to Alabama to see grandparents and Chattanooga, smoky, invisible in the cloud of soot and smoke, now -- wow! a river, two mountains, buildings, boats, wow! this is pretty -- when did they put all this here!! hahahahaha -- one goes where the in-laws are sometimes, especially when one's grant job terminates and one's spouse can transfer home. -- Just life, altho in some respects nashville would be grand to return to, there's no sea close by there tho, at least not for about 20m years!, lotsa evidence of that former sea though, miss the limestone that's pervasive, layers and layers of history right there! And Jersey is sooooo crowded, little breathing space. Why the shore was so lovely yesterday. O<

April 22, 2002
1:44 pm
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artist 2
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Nikka,

At home on my desktop is a tiny glass, hobb-nail ashtray. In it are several, tiny, colorful seashells. None are bigger than one-half inch. Now, when I look at them, they remind me of tiny bites, and taking one day at a time. Each one is savored individually, each delightfully delicious in color and form. The smaller ones taste the best.

I need to discuss Raleigh and Durham with you. I'm considering moving there. Maybe another time, another thread. Growing up in Alabama, I vacationed in Tenneessee and North Carolina quite a bit.

April 22, 2002
3:30 pm
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nikka
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Discuss away anytime you want. Actually I can tell you that I have never visited either place except to see Cameron Arena on tv afew times.sorry. We used to go to Graysville, AL (summer, xmas, etc) for grandparents just a bit north of Birmingham. I could talk w/ you about Boone, NC, even Ashville, but not the rest of NC never spent a lot of time in NC except in those two spots and the western carolina mountains (camping, hiking etc)

April 22, 2002
4:51 pm
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artist 2
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Yes - Ashville. I want to hear about that. The Biltmore is incredible. Beautiful little Episcopal church too.

April 22, 2002
5:11 pm
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nikka
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Blondie! GF, seems like everytime you talk there's somewhere new where you spent a night or a week or 1/2 day waiting for a train, plane or automobile!! What a woman!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. Tell us about the casbah in Timbuctoo, pppppllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzz (whine) 😉 O<

April 22, 2002
5:14 pm
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nikka
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o, sorry R2 --
I'll talk about Ashville sometime in the next few days. I spend too much time here at the day job and really and truly have ppwrk to get somewhat caught up on! Tonight and tomorrow night job#2 & won't get back in till nine --- 10 mns to do my face and get out the door lol. gotta run. :0 will take time to read before I go to bed Gawd these 5:30 a.m.s are killers when you wanna spend time up at night!!!! Much love Nikka

April 22, 2002
10:58 pm
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nikka
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R U abt to have a visitor, dear? -- Seem a bit tetchy today and you've been so very much fun the past few days. Hope all is well and its just the moon or the rain. Still raining in NYC? it stopped down here three-four hours ago. Two-three days of rain would be good. Sometimes the gray and dull sky bring out colors so incredibly. I was watching the clients today and marveled at how colorful their clothes were in the cloudy. It was nice. --- Used to hitch a lot in CA -- never forget the ride through the redwood forest while the picker-up smoked hash oil on Marlboros and then along the coast before that where it appeared I was a bird watching the surf, the car seemed to be about three feet over the edge of the cliffs!! My, you're right, youth is wasted on the young! Why the hell didn't we wise up back then and avoid the prematurely sagging bodies and the ungratefulness of the little critters once they get raised? -- I could probably be stowed away in the harem of the Sultan of Brunei by now! -- ah well. things occur and then occur again but differently. Actually most of the time I just feel comfortable these days. The kids are ungrateful, but I love 'em and they act as tho they love me. The dog definitely loves me. I truly imagine myself blessed with what I've done, who I've known and where I've been. Then I look at where I work, who I work w/, this site and the shore and realize that no matter the lack of wealth. I don't actually lack one damned thing that I require. Thot I was blowing smoke before, but I really am getting better at this "living in this moment thing." Maybe the meditation is working.

April 24, 2002
8:24 am
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nikka
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No, u have too much sense to there again!!!! Thinking more in terms of PMS. Those ole time southern expressions whew, I furgit they ain't all th vogue up here!!! -- How did you get to be so very (seemingly) awesome? -- lemme guess -- you finally learned to live life w/out resistance to more than silliness from the mouths of some who shoulda known better? -- Love ya, girl. By the way, does the crazy glue obstruct at all the normal workings of your asshole? 😉 O<

April 24, 2002
8:47 am
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nikka
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BTW -- can a non-musically accomplished (sometimes sing offkey in the shower when there's more than 2 minutes to take one) learn to play the Indian flute? Love the sound -- have some cds that feature it. -- Or am I stuck w/ just a buddhist meditation bell that I invite to sound? LOL O< Or any of the normal working?

April 24, 2002
3:31 pm
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nikka
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This is just too much. When I read the post I had this vision of "The samurai Chef " doing tai chi in the Park while Jackie Chan films a movie w/ Chris Tucker just over the grass hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha --Gawd, girl, where do you get the time? & the cops in NYC don't know whether or not its illegal to practice tai chi in the park w/ a sword!!!! This might explain a few things

April 24, 2002
5:49 pm
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Girlgetshergrooveback
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A great lesson in mindfulness Nikka..thanks for sharing:))))

April 24, 2002
10:34 pm
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nikka
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GGHGb --

You're welcome. I found mindfulness is something I have to practice, because I'm not real good at it. I f***-up constantly, say the wrong thing, laugh at the wrong time. I also find that I am sometimes judgemental and even make the wrong judgements about folks. -- That is so damned embarrassing since I do counseling and should be past judgement. But my mindfulness isn't deep enuf to always separate the a-hole from the crap that comes outta it and I just get this silly idea about someone and don't see deeply into the fact that they are as finite and human as I. Silly, really, allowing ego to rule me, rather than be the tool that allows me to understand that I am separate from you. Empathy is a belessing and a curse. I actually feel pain from others, joy too and a lot of the shades in between. Spent 20 years getting drunk and stoned and trying to lose myself in reading, writing, bs-ing, bottles, pipes and silly. silly stuff -- just to get away from being around people and feeling. -- Then I found life -- a grace thing and found that it required no one in my life but me -- just me w/out ego (Gandhi: 'My goal is to make myself zero.') I knew a lot of useless things -- and then I learned the important one -- empathy is a gift which comes like all gifts w/ the repay of responsibility. -- Meditation has helped me use my gift w/ junkies and crackheads, alkies amd whore (M/F/TS/TV) housed homeless, wealthy to grindingly poor.

Thanks for praising my mindfulness, but I started the thread just because I had enjoyed the beach and realized that I couldn't bring it back w/ me. -Just something to share and see what happened
- I grew up w/out my two eldest because I had done no growing up before they were born. Grace gives me two wonderful sons and two grandsons I can learn to be a parent/grandparent w/. Thank goddess, my daughters don't hate me -- they had good foster parents to raise them -- know the odds of that? LARGE. -- I understand how unmindful I have been and still am so I appreciate the compliment -- perhaps not so good at accepting it. Namaste GGHGB

BLONDIE -- DEAR ONE

Thanks for the offer on the flute, you should know I am getting paid an entry level BA salary in spite if the MA. Lemme know. -- If you are the warrior princess could I audition for Gabrille? I could write and watch you destroy ogres and eventually I could cut my hair and learn, too, how to fight evil gods and men and women and learn to let go of what I love best, seeing it is what must be done. Could I pleeez, could I pleeez? -- You are the dear, thanks. I know I wasn't spoz to take the time out before friday, but after 2 wks it was impossible to not look see. Read a few threads and hadda look here. Wasn't surprised by what I found. And finding chose to post. Thanks so much for all your responses to my bs. They are nice and helpful. -- Now, can I audition for Gabrielle, gf. See ya soon, can't resist.
((((((((HUGGIE)))))))O<

April 24, 2002
11:01 pm
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I'm in love with Gabrielle

April 24, 2002
11:18 pm
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Yes, loved it. Just not the same, for some reason, in rerun. Goog memories tho. My 12 year old son got me to watchin it. ---- Went out to walk the dog thinking I was done w/ the last post and realized I had more to say. Mindfulness. It lets me sometimes see really deeply -- so the young (to me, 30 years old) heroin addict who's been in group for three weeks is whining today abt how he held up everyone so he could do what he thot was important to him and got grounded at the HH house for it and, Blondie, I know you know the rest. -- He's a turd, womanizer, egomaniac w/ an inferiority complex -- the group unloaded on him and then I did when he kept "so you saying" to the group. I ain't mindful altho sometimes, when I am focused and open HP graces me w/ insight and I unload on a turd, hoping that he'll find something there to help himself transform himself into purest silver (I don't care for gold, too flashy, silver is the moon, silver is Krishna, silver is life.) And then... again, was it HP, was I truly mindful or did ole ego sneak itself in? The almost full moon made me think of him and the mindfulness kudo made me think harder and I saw him w/ a needle in his arm in some dilapidated bldg, getting colder through the night. Was I mindful? Maybe. Yes. Because the words weren't mine, when I'm mindful they never are. And if he goes tonight, then he does it because he cannot get past the call of the wild horses that scream inside his head. HP did its best, he wasn't listening, that child. --- And out in the moonlight I saw that mindfulness is a single drop of dew, glistening on a desert flower and in seeing that drop I am blessed among all creatures. Then the sun dries the drop and the desert is all there is.

But in the moonlight I am Gabrielle and Zena's lap cradles my head and she brushes my hair while she stares into the fire she made and I am warm and safe. And on another night I watch Zena sleep and run my fingers through her hair, stroke her arms and ease her pain and exhaustion. But, asleep or awake I see that we are both HP and that the dance we dance is HP dancing with itself in what seems to be a vast expanse of desert, but that too is HP.

The soothing is never futile, even when its unloading, for there are times when soothing is unloading, because the pain is everthere and the pained are our children. We talk and share because we have taken their pain into us and we want to relieve them of having to feel what we have felt. And so many days it all seems a fool's errand to a place called Bedlam and we know deep within that our stories are useless, shriveled turds dropped months ago by passing camels or horses and left to dry to dust in the desert. And even deeper we know that our stories are from the mouth of HP working through us and in us and that the pain we feel is real and that the voice speaks because it desires an end to pain and we are its vocal chords and our children will hear, even when our children are as old or older than we are.

Crazy old crone out in the moonlight came inside and wrote this with love. Wishing to unload on no one, hoping that the child has, tonight, no needle in his arm. Hoping that ego can remit for some and that they can see deeply for an instant into their own insanity and not have to drink hemlock just to test for themselves that its really poison. -- I love my job and would do it for free if that was what was required. --

I want, more than anything, to make myself zero, for there resides the ALL. After that is accomplished, I wish that we could see our own insanity without defending it, so that pain would heal and that the children within us would stop their weeping and that their tears would fall no more on those they love.

Thanks for allowing me this space. ---whew!

April 25, 2002
9:34 pm
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nikka
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The sea is so very nice. Mother of us all. and she said, "It is good that you come to me. Sit still. Learn who you are in the tumbling of my many voices." And I sat and listened to the sea and the sound of my hair blowing about in the wind and began to learn.

Love to you all. Maybe I'll just watch for awhile.

April 27, 2002
12:18 am
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a note, not quiet a minor key, but not major either a neutral. Mother has talked a lot today. The moon rose again just as it set and the sun didn't make it out. No clouds. A good day. Broke no fragile shells. Just sat and brushed my hair between the wind gusts. Watch gulls and sand crabs romp for a living. Miss you all. Wish you were here. O<

April 27, 2002
7:38 pm
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she, mother sea, told me today that I was strong enough to go back home. Hi, tribe, good to be here, but I think mother's not all that far away, maybe I'll take daytrips there and make gardens of seashells and cocklebells and pretty maids all in a row.

April 28, 2002
12:20 pm
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O< Namaste, Molly. I love you so. Human language being what it is, so very subject to misunderstanding and the emotions and suffering that sometimes follow that, I wanted to say "Thank you" for your wish that I stay forever at the sea. It was thoughtful and such a wonderful wish and I treated it with my tongue in my cheek. Sorry, thank you again. I am so very tired of being forgetful. Perhaps with your wish and some effort on my part I will stay here forever. I so enjoy listening to Mother speak, all her voices soothe me and comfort me. The sandcrabs are a riot. Mother is teaching me not to be so much desiring of some form than just the wavelet. She is showing me that the wavelet is never just a wavelet, but partakes of the essence of the sea. She explained that when I am in human form that I look at the sea and see sea. I notice waves but find no distinction between waves and sea. All the same, part of the same infinite whole. -- I just wish my memory had been better for the last twenty years. This wavelet finds it plenty disgusting when passing through the shark's gill and the shark is feeding on a female dolphin having a difficult birth. She is weak from prolonged labor and the shark is hungry. Then there is blood throughout the sea and I am stained and I hate that. Mother is showing me that the whole sea isn't bloodstained though, just that small part where I am. Elsewhere are spice islands and gentle breezes, a woman in a sarong sitting on the sand, brushing her hair with a mother-of=pearl comb and talking to Mother. She telles me that all the wavelets suffer and and imagine that they are separate from the sea. She says we all get lost in our individuality and imagine that we have a life that isn't a part of sea. Today, I have heard her and for now I'm calm and knowing that I am sea, not just wavelet. The suffering I have gone through, she says, is suffering that I incurred because I was anxious to soothe my lonliness and didn't take my time to choose wisely a course of action, thus I got hit or felt my heart almost burst or shatter. She explained eversogently and eversoquietly that my desires have lead to my suffering -- the other wavelets just participate in my sadness and my anger at them is my anger at myself for I know deep inside that I have sought to fulfill desire rather than to understand that I am just the sea, like she is the sea. And, today, in taking my time, I have to thank you for your wish. It has touched my heart and bound me ever closer to the wisdom I have heard from you. Mother is so strong in you that it sometimes takes my breath away. ((((((((HUG))))))))) Today, I can hear without animosity that my suffering isn't valid. I can hear that I'm a whore or a ditz or just naive and there's no bother. Each of the wavelets have a perception that is their's alone, but they are my sibs and I love them and care that they will discover the oneness of the sea. O, I also know that I can accept any praise or indifference, because today I understand that mother is all there is. Fpr today, dear Molly, your wish is granted and I am always at the sea, for today I see that I am the sea. And best of all I see that you are my sister in whom I place the deepest love. Thanks one last time. -- May you always be with Mother as well. 🙂

April 29, 2002
2:21 pm
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Nikka, Those thoughts and words of gratitude are so very strong, from some one that I had no idea that I had touched, far less so deeply.
However they fit so I will own them, lessons learned. I do believe that there are some of"us" out there that do have knowledge, that we need to tap into. Being open, is not always as easy as it seems.
The sea is such a healing place for me, with such lessons in life. Not many understand them, but those that do, share. There is no other place that I want to be, and it doesn't matter, exactly where as long as it is close enough to feel the life, and observe it. If we could always remember that it is a cycle, that indeed there are dangers involved in survival, and to honor that calling, with focus. True there is blood in the sea, but is not blood, mostly salt water ? Is not some of that which we see, as a cycle often looked at with sadness ? Animals have thier lessons as well. They I believe have it some what easier with only one or two callings with which to focus, perhaps we were mermaids, and were told not to get out of the water, but given choice, and lessons ?
It seems that you are working with the population, that I had the opportunity to for many years, the opportunity to learn about other aspects of life, that they can't teach you in a book. Truly a calling, truly a gift, truly a challenge for a sensitive person. Yet with the gifts that you have, you also have a knowing, that just as you can't protect the mother seal from the fate of the shark, you can't protect the addict from the needle. You are lucky enough to be in a place, where you can get an instant reminder of the balance of life, as truly the sea can be dangerous, as well as a safe enviornment, that can adapt. Respect.
I am far from the sea, but I can close my eyes, and be there in a second, I have faith and commitment, to be there again closer soon.
I am sure your memory serves you well enough when you need it to, and that all of your experiences were to help you do what you do, and I get that you are a blessing for whom ever has the opportunity to experience you.
Namaste

April 29, 2002
3:57 pm
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Molly
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I posted a long reply this morning, wonder where it is ? Same thing with Pam's post on talking in her sleep ?
I shall hit send, and try again.

April 29, 2002
5:03 pm
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fixed it, and feel much better now.

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