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I was scared of losing him!!
May 7, 2005
8:04 am
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Rudie
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September 29, 2010
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You know guys,

I have been seeing this guy I’m seeing for a little while now, and lately I found that I was feeling very uncomfortable. The slightest thing would make me nervous of sorts. I kept trying to analyze the feeling that I was having, and I kept blaming this “uncomfortable” (I donno how else to describe it) on him.

I kept reasoning to myself that he is a nice guy, and that I had no reason to feel funny but, I still couldn’t shake the feeling.

Well tonight, I was sitting in my office and had an epiphany. I'm scared of losing him!! And the moment I said that, the feeling swelled up inside me like a flood. And I wrote these words. Now bear in mind that these are not things that we have discussed or that he has said to me, this is all coming from inside me.

“Do you want me? Then want me for me, not who you think I should be. If you can’t handle that, I walk! So what if you go get someone else after I leave? Do you think I can’t find someone else? Do you even think that for a second? Please sweetheart, I mean to be honest I think that’s the real problem here, I’m too awed by you, I think you’re special and I’m afraid of losing you, forget that [email protected]#t, look at me, do you see me?
I am afraid that if I don’t please you, I’ll lose you. If I don’t do things just right, you’ll go. You are wonderful man, but you are not the last man on earth and you are not best man I’ll ever be with. If you are mine then – what’s mine is mine and ain’t nothing can take that away from me – push the envelope – stretch it see where it can go – and if it stays, it’s yours and if it goes it wasn’t worthy.”

After I did that I felt clear again, I hadn’t noticed how confused all this was making me.
See I hadn’t dated in a while, because, fact is, the choices out there are not that good and as they say – “I can do bad by myself”. Then met this guy and he seems (and note the use of the word “seems”) to be everything that I have wanted for so long. He is attentive and kind, and He loves God – and he sexy and cute to boot. And I think the problem is I have found what I wanted and now I am afraid of losing it.

This really isn’t a thread that I want you guys to bother with; I guess I’m just, sounding off. If you do have something that you think can could help me with this (I’m figuring once I see the problem, I can work toward fixing it) please don’t hesitate to share.

Thanks for listening ((((snuggles to all)))

(Going to bed with a clear head for the 1st time in a long time)

Rudie

May 7, 2005
2:33 pm
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wallace
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Rudie

I understand where you are sounding from. I have to fight the very same feelings with my partner. I find that at times, I feel he is too good for me, I get scared that I will get too attached/dependant on him and he will walk. The thing is, when I have these feelings, my behavior around him is stiffled. I'm not myself, I'm wooden. When I shake it off, we really get on well together. I have never loved someone this much. It has taken me 6 months to believe that he may actually have feelings for me. You must drive these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy away, if you don't he will sense the discomfort between you and he will think it is you that doesn't rate him. Make a decision-do you want him or not. If yes, then you must tell yourself that you are equals and live it. If he walks, then yep..it will hurt, but at least you know that it wasn't because he thought you weren't that into him

May 7, 2005
8:02 pm
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Rudie
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Yeah Wall,

I soooo get what you are saying. And you are right, I get all tense when I’m in this mood and I’m around him. Thing is as I said I didn’t know what the feeling was, just kept feeling it.

Being born into a family of "proudies", it is very hard for me to admit that I think someone is too good for me, but if I'm honest with myself, that is exactly where I was last night.

I say “was” because, now that I am aware of the problem, I have started a process that should get me on the right path, and while I know this is not gone or "fixed", I’m definitely not where I was last night. I of all people should know that this guy is not perfect, believe me.

Oh well you live and you learn, I have never really liked a guy before and so all this is quite new to me. Guess I'm just kinda rolling with the punches.

Thanks for the input Wall, I’ll try to remember to relax around my guy and you do the same around yours o.k., all the best with that Hon, tell me how it all works out.

(jabbin and duckin)

Rudie

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