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I was abused but now I am the abuser
January 26, 2007
10:21 am
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Jazzi
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Hi Everyone, I am new to this and joined because I really need help. I don't want to lose my family but I don't think there is anything I can do to fix my dysfunctional home. I have been with my H for 13yrs. When we first started,he was very angry and use to punch walls, mailboxes, or anything in front of him but not me. I explained to him that his angry outbursts made me uncomfortable and asked him what he thought he was fixing by punching these things. He stopped that and our relationship was able to flourish. I got pregnant with my son and we moved in together. Once my son was born, he changed again and appeared to be jealous of the attention I gave my son. To shorten my very long story, he began to get angry again but this time he would hit me. "NEVER IN THE FACE" he would say as if to justify his actions somehow. ANYWAY, I got tired of his SHIT and I began to become an angry person as well. I threw him out of my house and he was homeless for about two weeks but the sap that I am I couldn't take my son's father living in a shelter. He came back home but I told him that if he ever hurt me again I would get him arrested. He started going to church and has never hit me again. It now has been perhaps two yrs. I find that I now am having the problem with anger and I have become a verbal and emotional abuser. I have called him such things as worthless, and good for nothing, a piece of crap with the "F" word in between almost every word. I feel full of anger all of the time. I am tired of being taken advantage of and although he has not hit me in a long time it feels like yesterday. I know that I have mostly mentioned him and me but I don't care about him or me. My life is my son and he has suffered through this as well. I feel that he got it worse than any of us because he got it from both sides. My decision at the moment is to move out of the house and take my son out of the mess. I keep thinking that maybe I should try and make my family work but I also think that we only bring out the worst in each other and that I will never be able to forgive him fully for making me feel worthless, powerless, and a piece of crap.

I have rambled on long enough and I hope my story makes sense. I really love my H but I love my son more. So do you think that breaking my family up is the best solution?

January 26, 2007
10:44 am
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reachingout
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I think if you have the means counceling might could help if you still love him.The biggest problem is reconizing the problem and you have done that.Seek help and I wish you the best.One question is he a good father?

January 26, 2007
10:53 am
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ACryForHelp
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First off: Welcome to the group!

*HUG*

Wow... You are VERY lucky that he was willing to stop physically hurting you! It seems like 99% of the time a physical abuser will only stop once he is put in prison for homicide!!

Congratz on that!

To be honest it seems like he is just toxic.

You need to go talk out your emotions with a trained professional to find out what is not allowing you to heal and no one can say that you are not responsible for your own actions but SOMETHING external has caused you to change into this.

I have some hard questions that you need to answer before you can figure out what is going on:
Why do you feel that you can not kick him out of the house?
What is he doing to cause you to do/feel these things?
Can you go to the church and sit down with the priest/pastor whatever and do a couples counseling?

And most importantly: What is this situation doing to your child?

Having 2 parents is important… I won’t tell you different… but if having both of you under the same room is causing you to emotionally/verbally abuse your husband, causing him to act out in anger, and just have a bad “Vibe” in the house you need to get him OUT OF THERE until the TWO of you can deal with what is going on for the sake of the child.

If the two of you continue to do this in front of the kid it can cause the same amount of damage as if you were doing it TO the kid! You are showing him how he will act as an adult… If YOU have anger issues then HE WILL ALSO HAVE ANGER ISSUES! If you husband beats you then it is a high likelihood that HE WILL BEAT HIS GIRLFRIENDS when he grows up too…

As long as you both have an active ROLL in the child’s life it won’t matter if you and your husband live in separate houses and if it allows you and he to heal then it will be the best for ALL INVOLVED!

Please… remember that EVERY SINGLE word that comes out of your mouth is absorbed by your child… every action is recorded on his brain as “How you are supposed to act as a grown up”…

Get your husband an apartment so the two of you can figure out what is going on before you cause another generation to continue the abuse cycle that caught you!

OK, I have gone on long enough… As you can tell I feel very deeply on this subject because it happened to me as a child… Abusive mother and codependent father… It caused me to get into an emotionally/verbally/sexually abusive relationship that took me 4.5 years to escape from and I am still recovering…

Again, welcome to the group!

Don’t EVER feel that you need to be less then 100% honest because we have ALL gone through something like you and we don’t judge…

Good luck!

January 26, 2007
12:15 pm
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lovetocrochet
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I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know I've been in your shoes, where I'd been previously abused in a relationship (first marriage and family of origin) and then I became abusive (second marriage). I think it's easy for us to repeat what has been handed down to us, be it from our families of origin or in a marriage.

I am working out my issues within a 12-step group and reaching out around me for support. Ultimately my behavior is my responsibility and I'm very blessed my current husband is not only patient but understands what's gone on in my life and how it's affected me. He doesn't make excuses for me but he does have compassion and that's helped, plus he knows I'm not making any excuses either, and I'm proving that by getting help.

I will agree that yes a child should have two parents but when being in the same room/home is like rubbing two pieces of flint together that's not a healthy situation either. I left my first marriage when I became more afraid of what would happen if I did NOT leave.

While my daughter has gone through us being divorced and not reuniting, to where she's accused my husband of "stealing" me away from her Dad, I think it's only because she doesn't remember what it was like when her father and I were married. She was only four when I left and she had not been diagnosed with autism yet so she was still very withdrawn into herself. I think if she had remembered her father screaming in her face a few weeks before I left that her "Mommy is a f***ing b****" that might have been a different story.

In any case, she's had her struggles but she is still coming out on top, even with a broken home. Ultimately you have to do what is best for your children even if it's not the white picket fence ideal.

January 27, 2007
10:32 pm
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Jazzi
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Hi again, I just wanted to say thank you very much for your feedback. {Hugs} to all of you

I have decided that I will be leaving and taking my son with me.
I think the only reason I have stayed so long is because I wanted to try and make my family work at any cost. But I did not realize that the cost was my son's well-being. Now that I know, that is not a price I am willing to pay.

To reachingout: He is a great father to my son. I know that he will always be there for him. Which makes my leaving a little easier.

To ACryForHelp: Your message hit home for me because that was exactly what I was thinking and the number one reason for my decision to leave. My son is a sweetheart and always wants to make people laugh. I want to keep that a part of him.

To lovetocrochet: I definitely agree that our actions are our responsibility and I have come to realize that I hurt my son with my anger as much as his father did when he was hitting me. I have been reading books on anger but I think I need to take a course to help me too.

I think the reason I cannot forgive him is because I am tired of being taken advantage of. I was sexually abused as a child and it was difficult for me to start a relationship with anyone. I opened up to him and ultimately he made me regret that as well. I am sorry for burdening you with my issues but writing down what I have kept secret in my heart for so long has lifted a weight from my shoulders already. Thank you all for listening.

January 28, 2007
12:02 am
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hopeful for change
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It seems a pattern when we come from abusive childhoods that we find abusers in adulthood. I think we some how have it distorted in our heads, that abuse is love, or if we get abuse then get love in the end its all ok. Or we deserve it or we just dont feel we are worth better...atleast that's what I've done. I was abused as a child and chose abusers for along time. When I finally got out is when I finally got out of denial about what it was doing to my children. Now we are safe from abuse and violence.

January 28, 2007
12:26 am
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Jazzi
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Yes I agree n I hope to break that cycle with my son before it is too late.

January 30, 2007
3:10 pm
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HI:
I am very happy you are making the desicion you think is best for ur child and thats wonderful!! I believe its very important for you to seek help and for all that anger you have inside i know it is hard, i know iv been there but taking your son only deals with part of the problem because the anger is inside of you! I know you already figured this out and i just thought it is amazing the way you answer your own questions most people can not do that and I am very happy to see you are strong enough to recognize and know what it is you have to do for the well being of your son and your self!! My prayers go to you!! Soledad!

January 30, 2007
10:35 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Jazzi,

Well you are dexribing yourself as having a problem with your own behavior. If you leave with your son, well.

Wherever you go there you are.

It couldn't hurt toi talk to a therapist about what's going on with your relationship and also inside of you.

Sounds like you still carry a lot of resentment about how he was before.

I'm curious how your husband behaves now. Is he abusive in other ways?

Do you really think he is worthless? Do you think your anger at him is justified?

January 31, 2007
8:43 am
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hopeful for change
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I have ran from my problems, I think that is what worried dad is saying. In other words, If I left one abuser, I would end up with another one. Even if the packaging was different. It took me along time to get that point.

Stopping my own patterns.

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