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I want to transform my body
November 30, 2007
10:23 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi all,

Body issues have been coming up lately, so I thought I would chime in.

I am not trying to lose weight but I am trying to transform my body--and my mind at the same time.

In 2002, when I was suffering at the worst part of an abusive relationship, I went through a bad bout of anorexia.

When I realized I had forgotten to eat for a week, I realized I was kind of nuts and went to see my doctor. I had lost eleven pounds and was down 130 pounds at 5'6" tall. On the plus side, you could really see my six pack abs. But crazy is crazy--I realized that if I kept losing weight I would end up at zero pounds and it is really hard to bounce back after your weight goes to zero.

My grandma helped me get better and I have a fairly healthy relationship with food.

I am now 44 years old, stand 5'6" tall and 150 lbs.

I guess, strictly speaking, I am "leanly muscled," because I am pretty strong--able to lift heavy furniture and small children with ease.

But I feel skinny. Except on alternate days when I feel fat. Basically I feel ugly. I think it is a kind of generalized body dysmorphia thing.

Anyway, I have decided that I am going to assert control here. I am the boss of my body. I get to decide.

Anyway, about two weeks ago I joined a really cool fitness center. I choose that caring for my body will now be a permanent daily part of my life. It feels real good so far--my body is soaking it up like a sponge.

It's like my body is saying "Aha! You DO love me! I knew it. That's why I have waited for you."

I realize that at age 44, soon to be 45, I need to be realistic--I am not going to be competing in bodybuilding competitions during this lifetime. So I will have realistic goals--I'll share my goals in another post.

November 30, 2007
10:28 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((Worrieddad)) I haven't seen you on this side in way too long. I totally understand the body issues. I go from not eating for a few days to eating to much and hating myself no matter what I do. It would be nice to find a happy medium thank you for sharing

November 30, 2007
10:35 pm
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MsGuided
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WD

Thats one female type disease you really don't need!

5'6" huh? I'm 5"10" and I never weigh myself. I'm a size 12 tho.

Don't forget to EAT with all that exercise!!
(A male anorexic. Now that is rare.You're rare.)
are you doing cross training, weights and endurance?
Best wishes on battling this disorder. ;0)

November 30, 2007
10:47 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi RW and MSguided,

Yes, I have been kind of self-banished to Libs except for chiming in on OTHER PEOPLE's issues for a while.

But on this issue, I think that I really need support and that I also have support to offer.

I know I made this a "body" thread, but I really think my work here is about mental health and spiritual development.

I need to talk about body-mind stuff these days

What better place than AAC support threads?

November 30, 2007
10:53 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I realize that I have some advantages going for me.

1) I am super-smart, I have high speed internet access and I read really fast.

2) I am a nurse.

3) I am a Research Scientist, spent 15 years doing scientific research in Nutrition and Cardiovascular Disease at the University of Washington's Department of Nutritional Sciences.

4) I am not a nutritionist, but I work with and am friends with lots of people with Ph.D.s in Nutrition.

All of that adds up to: I have a lot of applicable knowledge; I know how to separate scientifically valid notions of exercise, nutrition, weight loss-weight gain, from baloney. And I have great advisors available to me.

That’s got to be a winning hand.

I think my main problem will be dealing with my own psychology. My own laziness, and propensity for procrastination. And especially my own emotional life—particularly my post-abuse predisposition to depression, anxiety and self-loathing.

So, I drag my skinny (on even days) fat (on odd days) butt to this forum.

And I think it is a brilliant move on my part.

December 1, 2007
7:14 am
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bonni
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thanks for this thread ((WD)). Our beliefs about ourselves most definitely impact our bodies for the good and more often for the bad.

I stuff myself to the point of pain to distract me from my bad feelings. i keep my body padded to insulate me from other people. At least if I'm fat, I can blame my loneliness on the fact that people don't like me because I'm fat and I don't have to accept that they might just not like me because I'm not really likeable.

I will be 40 in March. For over ten years, I have been trying to force myself to take better care of my body. I keep seeing that I'm aging and feeling it. I can SEE that a healthy body will serve me better than a blobby unhealthy achy one. The worst of my weight is because I work myself to death behind a desk and have nothing left for me or my kids. I choose me last over and over again.

When I stop beating myself up, I can see the subtle changes I've made in the last ten years have added up. At 170 on my 5'1" frame, I started walking. I lifted some weights, but mostly walked. Three years later, I was 145 and doing 15min miles and I got pregnant. Stopped exercising as much, but was back to 145 after the baby was born. But I lost my momentum and got back to 150-155.

Last year, I started changing my diet. I started doing yoga. I wanted to run and I was too heavy. I lost to 145 and started running. Now I'm just over 135. I need to love that last 15 or so pounds and I'm stuck.

work is sucking my time from exercise which is limited by the shrinking days. I need to go get on the treadmill now and i"m afraid to run on it because I'm so clumsy I think I'll fall off. my diet has gotten much healthier, but its that crazy food time of year.

help me! help me convince myself that I deserve to be able to take my running clothes to work and change about 3pm when its warmest and go for a 30-45 min run and then come back and finish work. why can't I do that? why can't I leave early two days a week so I can get on the treadmill at home and then finish work from home. Why don't i think I deserve that? won't I be more efficient at work if I get a more consistent supply of oxygen into my brain.

bonni

December 1, 2007
7:51 am
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sad sack
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HI Worried Dad,

Your thread inspired me - I am going to get out of this bed and head on over to the gym.

You seem to have a great attitude - let's hope it's contagious.

Have a great workout!

sad

December 1, 2007
10:25 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Bonni and SadSack, and other interested folks.

I like talking about this stuff. It gives me energy.

My frame for going to the gym is: I am not doing hard work that is drudgery-- I am pampering myself. It’s like having an affair without having to betray a partner, without risking fatal STDs, and without the inconviniece of having to have sex. And I sure feel better after I work out.

I think with weight loss the main trick is to not do it as a "diet" or to have unrealistic goals. Instead, the way to go is to make incremental changes that eventually add up to a lifestyle that has you feeling good and looking good. It can be as simple as starting with reasonable portion sizes at meals.

I think running, as an exercise, is hard on the knees. Actually, I know it is—and if you injure your knees, that not only screws up your ability to exercise, it screws up your life.

I much prefer cycling, and the new bike machines they have are incredible. And it really is a fat burner. Also, biking is really good for building your leg muscles. And muscles burn fat even when you are sleeping.

That’s why I believe that weight training is also an important part of a fitness routine for people who want to loose fat—you build muscles that are hungry for fuel all the time. And your stronger muscles help you go about your activities of daily living with less effort.

p.s., When I was a kid SadSack was one of my favorite comics.

December 2, 2007
7:44 am
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bonni
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thanks WD,
I love the idea of treating my exercise like an affair. Oddly, i think thats what drew me to the running. my dh has been running seriously again since he was in iraq. usually 3-4 days a week about 7 miles at a time. his weekend runs felt like another abandonment of me.
i think i kind of intruded on his little affair, but he welcomed me in and trained me enthusiastically. I still mostly walk, and I really enjoy it.

he wants me to bike too, I just find it incredibly uncomfortable and dont enjoy it at all.

this is helping; I have to go shopping now though.

bonni

December 2, 2007
8:04 am
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sad sack
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Hi Worried Dad,

Nice to see your inspirational piece so early in the morning.

I never thought of exercising as pampering oneself, but that certainly is a positive way of looking at it. In terms of dieting, that is something that I just don't do. I am rather thin as it is, but I do try to eat healthily. I guess, that too, is pampering myself.

I am glad you mentioned how running has a negative impact on the knee joints. I tried to get into running over the summer, but I would easily tire and found myself walking most of the time. I think I will stick to the walking. So you say bicycling is a great exercise? I will do more of that when I go to the gym. The bicycles at my gym even have fans on them to keep you nice and cool.

It is snowing here on the east coast, so it will take an extra push to get me out of the house this morning. I will just think of it as my daily dose of self-pampering. 🙂

sad

December 2, 2007
9:32 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Hello WD , This thread has brought up an ole song to me........I'm just an old chunk of coal.........but I'll be a diamond someday. I am into this same health pampering thing and I think it is going to change my life. I love to ride my bike too....... I am starting a new therapy program soon.......exercising and fresh air alone.......not to mention eating right goes along way. Thanks for Posting, horsefly

December 2, 2007
5:58 pm
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CAMER
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good for you WD, love that body you have and take the best care of it.

Yeah, if we could all go back to our "20 y/o body" NOT....as time goes on the metabolism slows...so we have to work extra hard to get in better shape.

You are doing the right things, going to the gym & loving it & loving the changes you see in that great body you have!!!!

I have a dvd (exercise one) and it starts off with talking about the body, its the only one you have, and you have to keep it in toon, by exercising and feeding it good fuel, and it helps, but heck, I still need to work it more!!!

Glad for such a good posting WD, keep up the good work!!!

December 5, 2007
8:13 pm
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sad sack
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Hi Worried Dad,

How's your workout routine coming along?

As for me, I appear to be hitting some obstacles. For one, I work two jobs, so I don't seem to have much time to even fit in a workout.

Secondly, as the colder weather is approaching, I am finding it harder to get myself out of the house (when I do have some free moments).

Do you experience these problems? I just don't want to lose the momentum that I had. I was doing really well for awhile. Any suggestions???

Thanks,
sad

December 5, 2007
8:41 pm
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bonni
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I think that I keep thinking I'm ten pounds heavier than I am. I'm SUPPOSED to think I'm five pounds LIGHTER. I have to chant:

I weigh 130
I weigh 130
I weigh 130.

tomorrow is going to be quite cold and I need to walk a mile each way to a meeting. I need to layer layer layer.

bonni

December 15, 2007
7:42 pm
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bonni
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WD,
I'm missing you and this thread. How are you doing? I haven't run since, um, hmm? i've been on my feet all day today though.

need inspiration to get through the next two weeks without eating and vegging to extreme.

bonni

December 15, 2007
9:02 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Bonni,

I'm still hanging in there with the gym--I missed a couple of days this week because I was working on a song to perform at our building's holiday talent show.

I've increased one level on the bike machine--I do a program called "Hill-Plus" where the bike acts like you are going up and down hills. I think I will not go for extra time on the bike--I want to keep my whole workout to about an hour.

It feels like I have finally shaken the rust off my bod and am about ready to have a trainer check my workout.

Personally, I think running is hard on the body for pure fat burning and cardio, I think biking or using a a cross-country ski machine is better.

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