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I want to live, I'm so tierd of just surviving!
March 8, 2006
10:50 pm
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CASSIE MAE
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I am 50 years old, alone and depressed, and have been most of my life. I have been reading self help books most of my life mainly because I've always felt I had to find a way to survive in life. I have wanted to seek professional help many times but can't ever find the money for a therapist. Only twice in my life have I had therapy, the first time in a state facility for 14 days which I will never regret, because it probably saved my life, and the second time was with a very professional therapist whom I have a great deal of respect for and wish I could have gone more often, I think I might have been able to find myself except once again I just couldn't afford to continue. I have recently found a book called "Who's REALLY Running Your Life?" which lead me to this website. I purchased this book in hopes of finding out how to break an uncontrolable pattern of broken marraiges, depression, and compulsive behavior and sadness. I want to talk with someone about how my childhood has affected my life and how to heal my "Inner Self". If there is anyone willing to read what I have to say, and give me any clues on how to learn to love myself so that I may experience what love is and become familiar with "True Happiness" I would be eternally grateful!

March 8, 2006
11:01 pm
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penny lane
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Good Evening Cassiemae...My heart goes out to you...I am 57 and went thru 3 years of therapy which was tremendously helpful but also a burden...it was helpful to see how I have always responded to relationship circumstances and has given me tools to alert myself when needed and how to handle issues that come up...the burden is now I must honor my true self even if it is painful...to see things clearer and not be in blinded bliss...which by the way got me into alot of trouble. This is a great site to highlight individual issues that arise and get support...that is where you need to begin.

March 8, 2006
11:20 pm
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CASSIE MAE
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First of all I appreciate your response, you seem like a very kind hearted individual. I am new to this and have never talked to anyone I can't see or don't know before, but I decided I need an unbiased opinion. When you speak of individual issues does that mean what is happening in my life at the moment?

March 8, 2006
11:44 pm
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smiling
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CassieMae--

I know how you feel. I was raped in 2000, and I stopped living. I didn't know where to turn, what to do b/c I had not faced the truth about what happened. I was depressed, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work -- I had to sell my place, move home with my parents. I didn't even know how to seek counseling. I felt as isolated and alone and angry. I was in so much pain. My parents didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. Finally, out of desparation, I went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting. That saved my life. I 2 1/2 years straight. That helped so much. I still struggle with issues, but I am really there. I've had a bit of a relapse, but I dealt with so many issues. It took me 3 years to be truthful to myself that it was rape. When I had the courage to be honest, then the shame and guilt, anger and pain, lifted -- I had joy in my life. I surrendered to God. I knew he was there for me. Always was. You will learn to take chances, live again b/c you deal with the truth. Live in the truth. Love yourself for who you are -- faults and all. You have displayed courage by coming here. Go to support groups in your area -- Celebrate Recovery is great. Reading self help books is great but that is still passive. You have to be active about your healing. It's going to take time. You need to unearth what hurts and why it hurts.

God Bless You!
Smiling

March 8, 2006
11:49 pm
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penny lane
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Yes Cassiemae..Individual issues would be what is happening in the moment...since you dont have a therapist this is the next best thing...I believe this gives you the availability of many voices who have experienced very similiar problems to share their recovery with you..or share their same situations and ask for your help...This is a slow process this thing called "self-discovery" and especially at our ages..but just take small steps and specific concerns to begin with.

March 19, 2006
12:26 pm
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CASSIE MAE
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Thanks for being patient with my reply Penny Lane, by the way I love your name. Ok so you ask for it and I am finally ready to respond. I'm very afraid at the moment and for the first time in my life I can't figure out what to do?? I have been married to Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde for 3 years, I can't figure him out, it just spins on a dime huge mood swings especially if he drinks to much he totally gets out of control. I have gone through situations with this marriage that I never dreamed I would tolerate! He has messed my entire world up!! I have had more police and lawyers in my life than ever before. I am broke, can't pay my bills, have had my pay cut and my job of 18 years threatened, I have filed for divorce, I am bankrupt, sick with no insurance and now worst of all a DUI. I have never felt like shutting down in my life until now. I am so very ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen it is literly eating me alive, because I could have prevented this if I had not chosen to drive and walk into the police dept to bail his but out for disorderly conduct. He has had five DUI's in the past 30 years and two feloneies, "Terriosit threats" from his first wife, and "Domestic Violence" from me, so I guess this is rather common practice for him. He went to get a lawyer with me last Thurs. knowing I was so broke I can't even make my house payment, he offered to pay for it and said "Oh everything will be ok, I will help you with the money." He called and said that I should not cry or be upset about a simple DUI, it is such a minor offence to him, there's plenty of people being shot, killed, and arrested every day because the "COPS" are only instereted in arresting people who work for a living and can pay the price for such things as "petty things". I do not feel that DUI's or petty, the only things I had on my record was 2 speeding tickets in my entire life until now. I chose after the conversation not to talk to him anymore, take any more money or "HELP" from him and am glad that our divorce will be final on the 22nd of this month, I WANT NOTHING ELSE TO DO WITH HIM". I know he is poison to me and yet I have allowed him to re-enter my life too many times since we were seperated last Sept. Please help me find a way to be strong enough and pray for me to get thur this, any advise will be appreciated with all my heart!

March 19, 2006
12:34 pm
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CASSIE MAE
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September 29, 2010
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Thanks for being patient with my reply Penny Lane, by the way I love your name. Ok so you ask for it and I am finally ready to respond. I'm very afraid at the moment and for the first time in my life I can't figure out what to do?? I have been married to Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde for 3 years, I can't figure him out, it just spins on a dime huge mood swings especially if he drinks to much he totally gets out of control. I have gone through situations with this marriage that I never dreamed I would tolerate! He has messed my entire world up!! I have had more police and lawyers in my life than ever before. I am broke, can't pay my bills, have had my pay cut and my job of 18 years threatened, I have filed for divorce, I am bankrupt, sick with no insurance and now worst of all a DUI. I have never felt like shutting down in my life until now. I am so very ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen it is literly eating me alive, because I could have prevented this if I had not chosen to drive and walk into the police dept to bail his but out for disorderly conduct. He has had five DUI's in the past 30 years and two feloneies, "Terriosit threats" from his first wife, and "Domestic Violence" from me, so I guess this is rather common practice for him. He went to get a lawyer with me last Thurs. knowing I was so broke I can't even make my house payment, he offered to pay for it and said "Oh everything will be ok, I will help you with the money." He called and said that I should not cry or be upset about a simple DUI, it is such a minor offence to him, there's plenty of people being shot, killed, and arrested every day because the "COPS" are only instereted in arresting people who work for a living and can pay the price for such things as "petty things". I do not feel that DUI's or petty, the only things I had on my record was 2 speeding tickets in my entire life until now. I chose after the conversation not to talk to him anymore, take any more money or "HELP" from him and am glad that our divorce will be final on the 22nd of this month, I WANT NOTHING ELSE TO DO WITH HIM". I know he is poison to me and yet I have allowed him to re-enter my life too many times since we were seperated last Sept. I need to stay away from him any ideas how I can survive this one.

March 19, 2006
2:40 pm
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needwings
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Cassie, please check this book out from your local library, it will scare the **&^ out of you but it will open your eyes to what might be going on. The Sociopath Next Door.
I understand your situation and you need to get help, do you have family you can go to? You will need support with staying away from him and keeping him away from you. Do whatever you can to distance yourself from him at this time and please be safe.

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