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I want to leave but how, where do I start?
November 6, 2005
12:36 pm
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Cooper
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I want to leave my husband. I am tired of feeling like he doesn't love me. I tell him how I feel and he tells me he does love, but he doesn't show me. He says he has never known how as it wasn't shown to him when he was younger. I told him it comes from the heart and your actions should speak louder than words.
I know when I go, I leave behind my job, my retirement and a lifestyle I have become accustomed too. I will either have to move out of town or out of the state. He will not let me go easily. He doesn't physically abuse me, but the intimidation and such is so hard to take.
I have several questions and would love any feedback....
What steps you do suggest I take?
I did talk to a lawyer, but all he said was let him know when I was ready to file.
We both are acting like everything is fine when we are with our friends, but many see that I am not happy. I have only told a few close friends about his two affairs and tactics to put me down. I told him I was going to leave, but I have told him I was going to others things and never did. I caved! He doesn't believe, I am sure of it. He thinks I am just blowing smoke. So when I mention it he says to me "you don't really want to leave me, I love you and couldn't live without you, we are soul mates" Then goes on like I never said anything at all....I feel like I am talking to a wall...
I need more ideas on what to do before leaving to make sure I don't have any regrets or that this will not back fire on me.
I don't want him to lose the house, but I want my half. I am not sure he could take care of himself when I go. I know part of my problem is codependency. How do you deal with the separation of someone you have the NEED to take care of?
I am 48y/o, is starting over has hard as it feels like it is going to be?

November 6, 2005
2:24 pm
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LisaKay
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Hi Cooper,

I just joined this site 2 days ago, and I know there are people who have more experience on here, but I am considering leaving my husband and feel like we are in the same boat. My husband is just in denial that I'm ready to leave. He will say he is going to change, and will for a week or two.
Anyway, for me I am trying to make sure our bills are in order and create a plan in my head. We will have to sell the house and one of our cars. Are you financially independant? When I leave I plan to go to my parents for a week or two, so that he won't be rushed to move out or use that as a reason not to leave. If you can, you should put aside a little cash.
Sorry, it's not much, but that is where I am in the plan. If you find other facts out, please share them.

Good Luck,
LisaKay

November 6, 2005
2:41 pm
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Cooper
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Hi Lisa Kay,
Maybe we could share ideas and information as we get it. I am not independently wealthy by any means, but have been able to buy things without worrying about the checks bouncing. Unfortuantely, we have invested everything into our home. I have been saving some, but he was out of work for a little while and I had to use some of our savings to pay the bills. In Florida, it is a no fault state, and everything is divided equally. I know he will not be able to pay me up front, so does this mean he will have to make payments to me and how will that work if in case he decides not to pay me? I am afraid he will end up having to sell the house unless he works harder at his business and makes more money. When I spoke to a lawyer they said I could do predivorce paperwork and when the time came to just sign and go, but I know if I were to do that, my husband would be having a fit and I have to live here for a little longer. I am thinking I should start throwing things out and then he would actually start realizing I am serious about moving. I guess I am just scared and I still love him so much, but I can't seem to put the past behind me and when I think things are getting better, I come home, he is drunk and it starts all over again.
Good luck to you too!

November 7, 2005
9:19 am
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Mr Niceguy
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Dear Cooper, our circumstances are probably different but the same basic issue remains: I'm 49 and I'm 95% sure I will be leaving, but I don't want to create more turmoil than necessary, so I hesitate. My wife doesn't want to see us split but we do talk about it. She's waiting for me to decide or act.

I earn the constant salary in the household, my wife is much more emotionally attached to the house. I'm learning about the logistics, slowly. Where I live, legally it's 50-50 for almost all possessions. That means half of all debts and half of all things, including the house.

I've been advised to organize as much as possible discreetly beforehand in order to determine what will be the "legal" outcome, to know where we will both stand in the end. That means to list all expenses and assets including retirement savings, market value of the house, mortgage remaining, insurances of all sorts, benefits from employers, debts including private and bank, ongoing expenses (electricity, phone, cable, everything) and (the hard one) list all assets (personal stuff in the house, car, kitchen stuff, tools, music, toys...). I haven't done it yet but intend to discreetly go see a lawyer with my organized list and they will plug it into their computer program and come up with the probable legal settlement, based on what is current in the area you live. Then you'll know your financial options. Sell the house and split the value? Hubby really wants the house? - he would need to go to the bank and get a mortgage for half the value and give you that lump sum, then the house belongs to him. After all those calculations the program gives you the bottom line whether he would need to pay you support (alimony), if so how much and over how long.

If you do all that discreetly on your side, you might be able to negotiate a settlement with him without going to court, perhaps using some mediation, during which you would know what is a fair settlement. If both of you stay rational sometimes it's better to arrange some things beforehand, like preapproved mortgage, or repay certain debts. Of course, if he were smart, he'd be doing exactly the same thing on his side. About saving some cash, if it is visible (like in a bank account) it will be counted as part of the assets that will be divided 50-50.

This is what I've been told (I am not a professional in this area). I've really just begun to go through it all. So I may be missing things, I may not have the guts to continue. I really am unhappy about all this and am looking for a fair solution. Anyway, I hope this helps. And good luck to you, I hope all this is for the best for each of us, including our future ex's!

-Mr Niceguy

November 7, 2005
9:39 am
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jastypes
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I, too, am planning a divorce. God, this sucks. I just got the number for A Woman's Place. They help women with legal assistance, protection, etc. I just did a search on line for Women's legal assistance, Bucks County.

My very first step was to start gathering a support network. I told my mom, sisters, best friends, what I am going to do. They had some great advice, such as checking out legal ramifications, and getting the guns out of the house. 🙂

I got a counselor through Children & Youth. She comes once a week to see my daughter with OCD, and then once a week for family sessions.

I am on the Road to Recovery, having joined a 12-step program which I am working diligently.

jill

November 7, 2005
9:42 am
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StronginHim77
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Florida is, indeed, a no-fault, 50/50 State, depending upon HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED. If you were only married for 5 months, the 50/50 split does not apply. If you were married for 8 years, it applies. Follow me? The house cannot remain jointly titled. He will have to "buy you out" at 50% of the fair market value, less your share (50%) of the existent mortgage balance.

You need to continue shopping around for a better lawyer. You need one who will give you strategies and pre-planning advisement.

- Strong

November 7, 2005
11:20 pm
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Cooper
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Wow! It sounds like alot of work. I too am scared and not sure I have the guts for this. I do live in Florida and we have been married for 23 years.
We talk about it too, but I don't think he really thinks I will go through with it.
I have gone over items and things we have, or owe, but he is in charge of the bills and has other investments. I don't know how to get that information.
Thanks for the input.
Good luck to all going through this dramatic change in our lives...

November 8, 2005
9:31 am
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jastypes
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I am going one step at a time here. I typed up the divorce complaint. (I work in a law firm and have access to certain forms). I need to get a certified copy of my marriage license. That's my next step. Someone want to check in with me in a week or so and hold me accountable?

jill

November 8, 2005
9:44 pm
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Mr Niceguy
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Cooper, look at http://www.divorcemagazine.com for articles and links. I heard one of the editors of that magazine in a radio interview, and they sound supportive, fair and constructive (believe it or not). I learned some useful things in their Money Matters section.

November 8, 2005
11:26 pm
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EJ
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Hi Cooper,

Monitor all the mail that comes into the house and make copies of bank statements, investment statements, bills, etc.

Also, the book "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" has a good section toward the end about preparing to leave.

A good way to accumulate cash discretely is to write checks at the grocery store, etc., for a little extra, get the cash back, and hide it. That way, there's no record of a withdrawal or anything.

I think Strong's right about finding a different lawyer. He or she should be willing to help you with practical advice. I mean, if not, you might as well just get one of those $35 File-it-yourself home divorce kits!!

My last suggestion is to find a support group. I started attending "Divorce Care" at my church shortly after we separated. Contrary to the name, it does not push divorce. Some people are just thinking about it, some are separated and trying to reconcile, and some have actually filed or finalized. But the friendship, practical advice (including advice about money), and the help preparing for the emotional impact of the divorce are invaluable.

Best of luck to you. I'm filing for divorce this week. I'm really proud of you and glad to see you're making a plan to protect yourself and move forward in your life. As to your question "Is 48 too old to start over" . . . would you rather start over when you're 55??

Love,
EJ

November 9, 2005
12:51 am
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Cooper
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Thanks to all replies.
I have access to the bank account on line. He has already started withdrawing money from ours and "his" account. When asked about the large amount of money he said I would see it soon. Had told me before when I got my head fixed and got over "my problems" he would show me. That was after I found out about women number 2. I also do part time work at his office, he has been taking my checks when they give it to him, to give to me, and putting them in his account. I asked them to either write another check or give them directly to me.
I will check out the other sites too.
Jastypes, I'll check in on you...maybe we can get through this by checking our progress.
I like the idea of no tracking of cash. Thanks, never thought about doing that, but I never thought I would have to worry about this either. And, NO, I don't want to be 48 1/2 doing this either. I need to get on the ball!

November 9, 2005
12:11 pm
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coastergirl
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Wow I am new to this site but I am amazed at all the simular situations I am reading about. My boyfriend is ten years older than me and I have been trying now for a long time to gain the strength to get out of the relationship but he always fills my head with guilt. Tells me that I will regret leaving him one day, I will relize how good I have it. I get scared that he is right so I run back to him. Reading your story hit home with some of his control I am use to, and makes me relize that I am not alone that their is hope and I am fortunate enough to move on now before I married him and had children with him. Mine told me that all of our problems comes from my insecurity with myself, and ounce I get help things will get better. Like I am the only in the relationship that needs help, I am the problem. Thank you for your story I hope that things go good for you. I hope your seeing a counselor and getting help for yourself. There is alot of great books I am reading and learning to love myself first!

November 9, 2005
3:10 pm
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I amhurt
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November 9, 2005
4:31 pm
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kathygy
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cooper,

I suggest you look at all the reasons you want to leave this marriage. He drinks too much, he has cheated on you twice, "the intimidation and such is so hard to take." I'm sure there's more. You have very valid reasons to leave this marriage. His words mean nothing given that he doesn't back them up in his treatment of you.

I hear you saying you love him very much and are worried that he can't take care of himself if you leave. To that I say you were not put on this earth to scarifice yourself for someone who abuses you. He is a grown man. You are not responsible for him. Let him figure it all out.

Also, it sounds like you are getting nothing out of all the love you give him. You are wasting your love on this man who dosen't deserve it.

Give yourself priority. Take care of yourself first. Show yourself that you matter because you do.

November 14, 2005
10:31 pm
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Cooper
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I am getting help and the other night I told him I was looking at various ways we could get a divorce. He listened and then proceeded to tell me he would try to work on doing more things for me. I told him the only thing I wanted was him to get help, he had a problem and I could not longer blame myself. He had to take some responsiblity in where this marriage was going. I also told him that he had a wonderful woman in his life and he had no idea just how wonderful I have been to and for him.
He has been nicer to me, still has not cut business ties with the other woman and is still drinking but had cut back. So I am waiting to see where this goes. He doesn't believe I will leave, as I have threaten before. But he is a little nervous as I have never spoken to a lawyer or researched divorce before.
I am beginning to like myself more and feeling more confident.
The counseling and books I am reading is helping me. I just hope I can be strong enough when the time comes for me to follow thru with my threat...

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