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I WANT TO KILL HER!!
July 19, 2005
12:40 pm
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ACryForHelp
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I WANT TO KILL HER!!

I am on the verge of either hurting myself or screaming like a mad-woman at my Father’s X-Girlfriend/Fu(* Buddy who is currently LIVING AT MY HOUSE!

She is literally THE most stupid, ignorant, mentally ill, and simply HORIBLE person to ever exist! My cat follows simple instructions better then she does! The mentally handicap and autistic kids that I worked with in High School had a better grasp on reality and had an easier time learning and understanding then she does! She is an example in the flesh of EVERYTHING that is wrong with the human race!

I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt… She got kicked in the head by a horse when she was 16 and fell down some stairs a few years back and had a real bad concussion… She has something wrong with her feet so she does need to be on pain meds and has a hard time walking for long distances and standing for long periods of time… Her family is full of self-centered assholes that are just waiting for the mother to die like vultures waiting for a meal… My father likes her for some unknown reason…

I’VE BEEN NICE! I’ve put up with her stupidity from a distance! But now that she is IN MY HOUSE and I have to see her and, god forbid, speak to her multiple times a day and I am having a hard time standing it!

She is an x-alcoholic who drinks “Non-alcoholic” wine BY THE CASE while downing valium’s like sweet tarts and doesn’t understand why she gets buzzed! I have tried to tell her that there is a minuet amount of alcohol in the wine and that if you drink enough of it she will get a buzz and THAT is why she likes it so much but she is too stupid to understand that! Her doctor has put her on Lexapro and she tried to give me some by saying “These things are great! You take one and it calms you down and makes you feel better!” so I looked it up and it was just what I thought it was…An SSRI Antidepressant that ONLY WORKS IF YOU TAKE IT FOR A MONTH STRAIGHT! But she doesn’t take ANY of her meds the way the doctor tells her to so she either doesn’t take it at all or takes it by the handful to get a buzz or pass out! She smokes weed all day and then gets mad when you try to tell her that it is mid afternoon when she thinks it’s still the morning! Oh, and she also smokes in the house no matter how many times my father and I have asked her not to!

I have a hard enough time dealing with my own problems, both mental and physical, and I really don’t need her BullSh!t too!

OH! And I am having a hard time paying for my own meds but my Father went out and PAID THE FULL $270.00 FOR HER SCRIPT EVNE THOUGH SHE HAS AID FROM THE STATE! She went on and on about all her “Free Meds” then we get there and they want ALMOST THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! $300.00 that we will NEVER see again!

Then she is constantly asking to get take-out! Not like “Lets go to White Castle” but “Lets go to Hecky’s” where it’s about $15.00 a person. Which isn’t much per-say but she wants it like TWICE A DAY! And SHE HAS NO MONEY!

She is, well no, I AM, looking for an apartment for her but she is just too lazy, stupid, and HIGH to help in the slightest! Her Mom is gonna give her like $1500.00 a month for rent but we need a check in hand to get her a place…

Yesterday I looked my father in the eye and said “You do realize that you will probably have to physically remove her and all her stuff or get the Cops involved to get her out of the house, right?” and he replied, “Yeah, I know that…” but for some reason the logic centers of his brain don’t function when it comes to her! Sex alone can’t explain this situation! He says that he feels sorry for her but he has been providing all the coherent thought for her for at least 4 years now and there is no sign that her brain will start to function any time soon so I just don’t understand why he exposes himself to this chaos let alone exposing me to this as well!

I understand that my initial dislike of her was because my mother had committed suicide a year and a half previous to the start of their relationship… It was initially irrational but the first time that she wanted to “Hang out” with me she was drunk when we left for the mall and then sat at the Black Eyed Pea and had glass after glass of wine and making a total fool out of herself in the restaurant and then I had to almost physically drag her out of there to get her home! THREE SEPARATE PEOPLE came up to me at the restaurant to make sure that I was the one driving because they were willing to give us a ride if not…THEN we get home and she expected my Father to reimburse her for the money she spent on the “Gift” she bought me!

I don’t say this often but I HATE THIS WOMAN WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL! I hate her more than Hitler – cuz at least he is dead and we have learned from his horrible ways… No one will EVER learn anything from this waste of flesh!

She gets me so frustrated that I want to cry!

Is there anything to do other then put up with her bullshit? Pity can only go so far in dealing with the damage she inflicts!

July 19, 2005
12:51 pm
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kc30
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Why would you allow her to continue to stay in your house if she causes you this much distress, hon?

You are obligated to look after yourself alone...ask her to leave and close the book on this ugly chapter.

Put it in writing with a date that she must be out. Put her out on that date. Change the locks. Put her things out of the house in bags if she doesn't move them herself. Call the police if she keeps coming back. Get her out. It's your life. Take control!! 🙂

And don't kill her! Evict her instead...

kc

July 19, 2005
1:08 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Well, I just fanticize about killing her... I never actually would…

I SOOO want to just put her out but my father keeps feeling sorry for her and won’t do it!

There is a line from an animated show called “Drawn Together” that sums up his POV “WOW! Your hot and possibly bipolar! Your just my type!”

He is addicted to chicks that are:
1. Blond
2. Mentally Ill
3. And Have An Addiction!
He feels so bad for her and since he dated her for so long he just keeps saying “If I don’t help her no one else will!”

She could move in with a sibling, she could move in with a mutual friend, she could GET OFF HER ASS and get herself an apartment but all of that would get in the way of being lazy, stupid, and high!

My father knows how much just having her here upsets me but that doesn’t seem to even enter into the equation!

God! I’m so frustrated right now that I am actually starting to cry! Everything is getting so pent up inside and I just feel so helpless that all I want to do is go out back and burn myself! Which I know is bad and that I shouldn’t do it and will regret it a few hours later after the endorphins have worn off but is still an urge all the same.

I just want to scream!

Sigh…But I’m helpless in this situation! My father took me in after I lost my job and my condo because of my X and so I am still just mooching off of him too. I justify my staying here because I do all the paperwork and computer work for the company, cook, and clean so I think I am at least earning my keep!

But she just sucks the life and the money out of everything she so much as looks at!

Sigh…I just don’t know what to do!

Well, at least I’m getting this out in black and white.

July 19, 2005
1:11 pm
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kc30
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Oh I misunderstood....thought it was your house, not your fathers.

That sucks because it's one of those things you can't control...unless there is any chance of you moving out?

Sometimes just venting does help though, doens't it?

July 19, 2005
1:20 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Well, no chance for me to move out for quite a while.

I can't find a job that doesn't require me to be on my feet for a shift and with my hip that is a "NOO FREAKING WAY I'M DOING THAT AGAIN" situation.

Then the Wellbutrin is helping with my depression and panic attacks but I still freak out in stressful situations.

I can't believe how badly I am dealing with this but she represents everything in the world I despise!

I can’t think, I have a migraine, and I can barely leave my room for fear of seeing her.

I don’t see an end to this…and so I start getting depressed and suicidal!

SHIT!!!!!

I hate where I am right now…

Thanks for the rant!

July 19, 2005
1:37 pm
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Cinamac
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You can stay or leave.

You can leave if you chose.

It may not be today, or tomorrow. But it could be in 30 days, 60 days. Put in your notice.

In those days, you could find another job and another place. Or maybe Dad will be forced to see reality and kick bimbo out Seems like he is fairing quite well in the deal if you are doing all the cooking, cleaning and his doing his books. That is worth something. Maybe he could pay you for your work and you could use the money for a place of your own. Even if you rented a room for $200 a month in a normal house you may be better off.

You are talking like you are trapped. There is always a way out. I just came up with one thing just off the top of my head. You sound very smart, resourceful, compassionate and hardworking. Murder? I know you are trying to be funny in a VERY stressful No-Win situation, but beneath the humour you are trrying to find a way out...

All the best I hope you find a way out of this mess

July 19, 2005
2:06 pm
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kathygy
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It sounds like you you set yourself up for frustration by trying to change her. I can understand how difficult it would be to around a person who is so self destructive. But you can't change her and you can't change your father. So stop trying. My best advice until you can move out is to detach from her and from your father. You have no control over either of them but you do have control over yourself. Don't try to engage this woman in any conversation. Limit your contact with her as much as possible. It also sounds like she is pushing a lot of your buttons. Something to think about. Have you ever has similair feelings?

love,
kathy

July 19, 2005
2:45 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Thanks for the advice...
I do feel trapped...

I am stuck in a very big rut right now and it is hard to see the top of the hole.

I am still here in this apartment because I am "Working" for my father and so he was going to get me health insurance so I could get my hip fixed so I can get a life of my own...But THOSE plans fell through when we couldn't get the 3rd truck for the company so now it is back to waiting 6 weeks past pay-period for the check from the city and we only pay rent every 2 months...

I know that my apathy is allowing the situation to stagnate but I can't see a way out since I still need a new hip!

I hate to make it sound like an excuse, and I know that it is just one, alibi big, piece of my problems but it is the major speed bump in me doing almost ANYTHING!

Now I not only feel trapped in this situation but also trapped in my own room since I end up secluding myself in order to avoid the bitch!

I haven’t tried to “Change” her though…She showed me her meds and told me what she thought she knew about them and I tried to tell her that she is wasting her time only taking an SSRI 2 or 3 times a week when she thinks she needs to calm down…

I mean, the placebo effect is a good thing once and a while but she has been given meds that would fix a bunch of her issues but she takes them all wrong so they are just hurting her liver and not helping anything!

She is so stupid that she thinks she knows more then her doctors!

That is the only thing about her that I have actively tried to “Change” but even when I print out the instructions on her meds she refuses to take them right because she has been taking them wrong for so long!

That is all I want from her…to do what her doctor says! At least then she would be stable enough to do more then lay in bed ALL DAY and smoke!

Sigh…

I’ve already lost everything in my life 3 times…Loved ones, possessions, money, and emotional/mental stability…

I don’t want to have to start over from scratch again but staying here with HER is tearing my emotions apart.

I feel so strong sometimes but so like a child at others…
I know the logical course of action but I am scared to go out with nothing again…

July 19, 2005
8:19 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Now I am truly crying...

My father got on my ass when I called to tell him that my phone was not working for most of the day and I don't know why and he goes off about this letter I need to type that I haven't done yet...

It doesn't need to be done until tomorrow so I have ALL NIGHT to do it and concidering how upset I am right now I am NOT going to sleep...

I told him that I was online here and calling a suicide hotline all day and I am just lucky that I haven't hurt myself because that was what I REALLY wanted to do...

Well he freaks out and gets ANGRY and starts yelling at me and I'm all "I'm just trying to tell you the reason that I didn't get THAT one thing done"

Then he hangs up the phone...

He keeps telling me to talk to him but when I talk about what is REALLY going on he flips out!

WTF!?!?!?!

This website is the only place I have to talk about how I really feel...

I feel so lost and hopeless...

It's not just the Cu^/ being here, it's the whole situation of not being able to get a job, about hurting all the time, about being suicidal and wanting to just fucking end it RIGHT NOW!

GOD! This is all such bullshit! All I want to do is go outside and watch the blood flow...

It is so frustrating to talk about it but know that I am too much of a Pu$$y to go out and actually try again...

I think that the Meds are working just enough to make me scared to try it again...

I guess that I'll just end up doing what I usually do and take a big old handfull of Non-Tylanol Sleep Aid and pass out until tomorrow...

I just hope that it isn't as bad as today...

July 19, 2005
8:33 pm
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jamaicanwife
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You need to breathe, I think. somebody, I can't remember who, once made me stop in the middle of a mini-breakdown and just take several deep breaths. It didn't change the situation at all, but it did elp me get a little more control of my reactions.

Now, after you've calmed down a bit, just try to visualize where you would like to be in a few years. Don't think about how you'll get there, just focus on where you want to be. Flesh it out, make it real. do you have your own place? What kind of job do you think you want?

I don't know why, but having a clear idea of where you want to be really helps to focus your mind, especially when you can't do anything about where you are now. Think about this as part of your journey, a stop on the way to a goal. There are many things about your situation which make you feel out of control, helpless, crazy, depressed, angry, but try to see it as something you have to get THROUGH.

And as I write this to you, I'm talking to myself at the same time. You can do this, you really can.

July 20, 2005
12:35 am
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littlebutterfly
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Please do not use this forum to make other responsible for your suicide threats or other threats of harming yourself or others, that is the same type of abuse many of the people here are trying to get away from. You really need to get out of that house. If necessary call 911 and tell them you are going to kill yourself. They will pull you in on a mental health 48-hour evaluation. It will get you out of the house at least for a period of time.

I know this sounds extreme, but the people on this board are just average folks like you, not set up to talk you out of suicide (although they might think they can talk that responsibility). You are being unfair to ask a codependent group to take responsibility for your desire to hurt yourself and others.

You need to take responsibility for yourself here and the abusive anger you are expressing about wanting to kill that girl and how stupid she is. You sound just like my abusive family. Your father does it to you and you do it to her. Please take ownership of your thoughts words and feelings by getting the help you truly need. This is absolutely not the forum to help suicide threats.

July 20, 2005
9:55 am
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jamaicanwife
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little buttefly, ACryforhelp may have said that she or he was suicidal, but that was just honesty. If you read more carefully, you will see that it is clearly stated that he or she is on medication which is helping, and the pills that are mentioned are to help Cry to sleep - which considering the stress, is perfectly reasonable.

You have jumped to quite a few conclusions. Please read more carefully before posting.

July 20, 2005
2:17 pm
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kathygy
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I think it is fine to come here and try to get help if you feel suicidal. Its better than doing nothing and sitting with it. However, I do also hear a lot of abuse in the way you express yourself here. It feels a bit truamatic to hear your words of rage and hatred against this woman rather than keeping the focus on you and what you are feeling without trashing other people. You sound like you are in a very bad situation but I don't hear you taking any responsibility for your life and how you ended up in the situation. It sounds like your reaction to this woman is mixed up with feelings from your past or it would be easier for you to detach and your feelings wouldn't be so intense. What's stopping you from detaching from this woman?

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