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I want to have an affair
January 8, 2003
8:16 pm
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Anonymous
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I am in my early 30's and have been married for 12 years. I have only "been with" my wife (hopefully you know what I mean) and she has only been with me. I don't know if it is a mid-life crisis or what but I have been dwelling on this lately:

I regret not having experienced other women. Though I have never lied to my wife and have never done anything to intentionally hurt her, I have been thinking about having an affair just so I can have the experience.

There is no other woman in my life so this is not being brought on my lust.

Am I sick? Please don't lecture me about how I shouldn't go through with it--I know I shouldn't! But how do I get past these feelings? Why am I thinking this way?

Thank you all.

January 8, 2003
9:22 pm
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why do u wanna do this?? dont u think it will be the same?? i dont think ur sick, i think ur just tired of ur marriage or maybe u have been holding on for this so long and now u cant anymore. i say dont do it. try to do it with ur wife? i dont know. some more smart people will help u. am sure.

January 8, 2003
9:36 pm
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mid life crises at early 30's????????????????

"Please don't lecture me how I shouldn't go throught with it--I know I shouldn't"

Sorry if I sound on edge here but I think you are thinking this way because you are a man.
And if you didn't want to be lectured here by woman that have had there husbands cheat on them and run the risk of getting a disease, why didn't you name your thread I have thoughts of having an affair? "I want" sounds like you already have one foot in the door...

January 8, 2003
9:46 pm
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What exactly do you think you are missing? I ask this question honestly and openly. Having had multiple partners myself, I can honestly say that physically, one person is really the same as any other, when you get right down to the nuts and bolts of it (no pun intended). What really matters and "makes it" is what goes on in your head and heart when your clothes are off. I think deep down you know this, but that doesn't stop curiosity.

Angie, I don't think it's really a "guy" thing. I know I was plagued by curiosity, and I'm female. But it could be more common in men since society has a sort of double standard, where men should be experienced and women should be relatively "pure". Oh whatever. *grin*

January 8, 2003
10:03 pm
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Okay, my opinion? You're bored.
Love your wife? Then spice it up with her, get out of the rut, go somewhere romantic and get as grungy as the two of you want. Rekindle what you have.

The fact that you have only had sex with your wife and she with you should probably not be a big deal at your age and after 12 years. It is what it is, you can't go back and change it, that train left the track a long time ago. If you really want to go have sex with another woman, you're going to be playing russian roulette with your wife and marriage. Is that worth the risk? Then you will have more problems than you can even imagine. There's a big part of me that understands your desire to experience more, it's all so exciting and illicit, and wow, wouldn't that be a great change....but probably not for the good and I think you would be sorely disappointed.

But, if you don't love your wife anymore, be honest with her. Don't hurt her by cheating. That's really the biggest risk.

January 8, 2003
10:41 pm
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It sounds like most of y'all agree that I am bored with my marriage. This is true, I admit it. But that is probably a natural feeling after 12 years.

I love my wife, I really do. But maybe I am not "in love" with her anymore.

Am I capable of having an affair? No. I have never lied to my wife and have never withheld any thoughts or feelings from her--in fact I even told her what I told you all! She laughed--didn't take me seriously.

But do these thoughts and feelings simply mean that I'm bored? Or do they mean something more serious?

January 8, 2003
10:51 pm
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ginger

I hear what your saying about the guy thing! I think there is a movie called the "guy thing" coming out in a few days. Anyway I work in a mans world and I hear all the storys, hell somedays they want me to be part of the story, BUT as soon as the thought of the wife cheating or acting the same way shit hits the fan, very double standard. I know more men that cheat on their wifes than I don't. I am far from saying I am a angel in that department but I guess that's just some of my anger towards men just hanging out there. What's that saying "do unto others"

January 8, 2003
10:51 pm
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What exactly do you think you are missing? The opportunity to see if other women are 'different'? The opportunity to be able to say to your mates at the pub "Yeah! I've slept with (x) women"?

Are you happy with your wife? How long has this been an issue? Before you got married? In which case why did you get married, instead of exploring the possibility before she became your wife? I had similar thoughts to you when I met my first boyfriend (he'd had other partners and I guess I wanted to see what I was missing). His advice to me was 'Well if you want to do that then go off and do it, but if later on you decide I'm 'the one', just remember that I might not want or be prepared to take you back afterwards'. I thought about it and decided 'Well, if I'm happy, is there any point throwing my happiness away on a fantasy?' Fantasies, in reality, aren't often what we imagine them to be. Is this desire to 'see what's on the other side' really worth breaking up your marriage? Chances are that even if you 'explored' all you'll do is realise that your wife is the one you want to be with, by which time you might have ruined any chance you had of being with her. I think you need to think more carefully about why you think you want to have an affair and whether what you have now is worth sacficing for what you think you might find.

January 9, 2003
9:06 am
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Hi, there. I can understand you perfectly. I was married for 23 years and did just that. The experience was wonderful, he made me feel like a princess for the days we were together. However, the price was high, my marriage ended. My husband kept the children, I ended up w/just the clothes on my back. It's been almost four years and my children don't want anything to do with me. 3 of them are adults. For Christmas I received an e-mail from my first born telling how I am a worthless piece of trash. How is that for a price? Oh! And I was a church-going mother, room mother at the school, pillar of the community etc. No one can tell you wether or not to go through with it.

January 9, 2003
9:54 am
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I have been there and done that. I have been with many partners, male and female, married, single, etc... I even slept with someone other than my first husband on the night of our wedding. (That is a whole other story) Being a "sex addict" and in a commited relationship I have temptations at times. I don't act on it because I know it will ruin everything I have worked for the past year. I won't preach to you the dangers of STD's and all that jazz. All I can say is that beware of the concequences before you act on your desires.

January 9, 2003
10:23 am
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There are many, many articles and therapists that deal with just this very subject. You love your wife, you say in your heart you wouldn't cheat, yet you are curious.

You and your wife could try spiceing things up a bit. Role play, pretend she is someone else. Meet in a bar, pick her up and take her home like a one night stand. Do things you've never done before. Go on dates. We sexy cloths (her) or well you too if you want. Any, before you do anything that could change your life forever, try to find alternatives to your curiousity.

Do some research, I would imagine there will a lot of information on the subject out there.

Be well.

January 10, 2003
11:19 am
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It's not just a guy thing. I am a 25 yr old woman with the same issues. I totally commiserate. But I think the truest words on here come from squeezles.

Oftentimes what is ignored here is the underlying issue. I think a lot of this is an ego trip. Not to be mean -- I think maybe this is often subconcious. But after a certain length of time one begins to feel taken for granted, and wonders if anyone appreciates them. Certainly having a new person in your life (especially one to whom you are also attracted) who finds you funny attractive and new reminds you that you are worthwhile, you still have "it", and you no longer feel taken for granted. But you say it's not about any certain person yet. So you are just curious. I think that's natural. But I can tell you from experience that while in a way an affair is wonderful, the price is so high!! Basically do you want to trade in the relationship you have for the opportunity to experience a fling that may end in a relationship even less satisfying to you? Is the life you are living worth risking for the unknown? Only you can answer these questions, and I sympathize. I'm currently wrestling with them myself. I'm in a worse situation in a way because there is someone else. So it's not a faceless person, it's someone to whom I have bonded and care about.

One final thing -- this is coming from my experience. People will come down hard on you for feeling this way. HOWEVER! While it is not socially acceptable to feel like this, it is the way you feel and therefore it is valid. Don't bottle this inside and become bitter toward your wife and your marriage. Deal with it. I would say consider long and hard your wife's feelings. You've loved her for 12 years. Respect her enough to at least sit her down and explain you are going thru some uncharted waters, etc, as much as you think she can handle. Be prepared for anger. She will feel not good enough, like what did she do wrong. Be careful to stay calm yourself.

I wish you the best of luck.

January 10, 2003
2:40 pm
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SIXFOOTBLOND
I have to say what you said here was very good and I have to agree with you. You sound like a woman that knows her stuff, and you kind of remind me of a woman I know also.

Hope things work out for the best for you.

January 10, 2003
4:16 pm
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Thanks Angie! I don't know my stuff, since I have my own issues, as I mentioned above. But I do know how it feels to be in those shoes and don't feel those who cheat/want to are automatically rotten people.

Have a great weekend!

January 10, 2003
6:02 pm
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Ok chica, I hear ya!

I have never been married so I can't say If I would of cheated or not...
but have been with married people before but in my new way of life I don't think I would go down that road again.

You also have a good weekend...

January 10, 2003
6:10 pm
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Happy is as happy does....will you be happy if you have this affair?

"In love " wears off....and when that ahppens every one seems to think that it's all over...NO WAY...

If you need excitment talk to your wife again...(is she the person you want around when your prostate acts up?) Maybe you two need to start dating her again.

YOU could make both of your lives more exciting with some thought and some "New" things. Sex is even more exciting if you renew whaat you two had when you started...

just a thought

Happiness

I'll be happy when...

SOMETIMES: We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get
married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids
aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that,
we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainlybe happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that ourlife will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire.

The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and
treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special
enough to spend your time with ... and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,
and dance like no one's watching.

Pass this on to someone special. I just did!

January 11, 2003
6:52 am
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I'm a woman in her 30's and is going thru the same thing. I'm married to my hubby for 13 years. I felt that way because I haven't got the excitement and happiness from my hubby since long time. I did have an affair with a man at work and it didn't last too long. I've hurt too many people - no matter how hard I tried to keep it secret. My affair effected both my husband and son (5 yrs old) emotionally. Son is not doing well at school due to lack of time being spent with me.

My counselor told me I did that because of our poor sex life. Hubby get premature ejacualtion and I wasn't getting enough that caused me to seek elsewhere. I haven't kissed him for 13 years because of his poor dental hygeine (ex-tobacco chewer), so there wasn't any closeness by kissing. When I kissed other guy, there was closeness.

You will need to write down the positive and negative things of your marriage/wife. Are you having sexual problem? Lack of time spend together? This will help you solve the mystery and once you find out what's the problems are, you will get help and things will get easier for you. It's O.K. to fantasize women, but it's NOT okay to commit adultery. AIDS/STD are worse in this decade. When you turn 80, you will look back and be glad that you stayed with your wife whom you love dearly. Don't do it what I did - I am not over with it and I probably won't forget it for the rest of my life. Good luck.

January 13, 2003
1:36 am
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ask ur wife carefully if she likes swingin, then u could both have fun with each others's agreement.
i beleive everyone should haave fun.
umm. like mention to her, that u know a friend who swings, and ask her what do u think about swinging and commitment. blah blah, then u'll know what she thinks, and maybe u can say, i think its ok too.

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