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I Want to Die
August 25, 2001
12:31 am
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Jaskid
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I'm Tired....Tired of me and the way I handle everything. Part of me wants to die so bad, and the other part wants me to hold on for my kids...I love them so much. Sometimes I think Would they be better off without me? My husband would not waste any time finding a perfect women who could do it all. He told me that I am tramatizing the kids because I am so miserable. Everything is my fault. I hate myself and I am starting to hate my husband. He sees how bad that I am hurting, yet he keeps walking right on by.
I just don't know what to do. I have to keep going on for my kids...I know they love me very much, even though I am so messed up.
I have so much hurt and anger from my past.
I think that this dark cloud that has followed me all of my life, will continue to follow my until I die. When the sun starts to peer through a little bit, it closes up quick and gets darker and darker. I can't stand getting a little taste of the sunshine and then having it taken away as fast as it appears.

:(Jaskid

August 25, 2001
10:49 am
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retard
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well the thing to ask yourself, is WHY?
whay are u upset and miserable tell us and we will help!

August 25, 2001
1:23 pm
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Sal
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Sometimes I think if we knew WHY we were upset and miserable, we would no longer BE so upset and miserable.

Jaskid, you are depressed. Did you know that? Have you seen a Dr. or counselor or anyone? Have you thought about meds? Talk therapy is really effective, and we can do some of that with you here, but we can't change your past or heal your hurt. Please see someone if you can, it will make a difference.

Do you know what you want? Really want? Do you know what you need?

Please do hold on, if only for your kids. I am/have been in the same boat, and there is something on the other side... At least there better be:)

August 26, 2001
1:42 am
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counslr336
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WHAT ANGER AND HURT FROM THE PAST ARE YOU HOLDING BACK AND BLAMING FOR YOUR PROBLEMS THAT YOU ARE HAVING NOW?TALK THIS OUT WITH YOUR MATE. Maybe the reason that he justs walks by, as you say,is that there is no justification in your irretiontional thinking and wants to ignore it .How can everything be your fault? What has happened that has you thinking this way? You have a good thinking head on you shoulders.Re read your thread and really digest it and maybe you will see the irretional thoughts that are making you think this way.

August 26, 2001
2:22 am
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debbie
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if you really feel like you want to die..then "fake it til you feel it" for your kids...get a sitter ...go for walks by yourself...stroke the inner child, but try to be a woman with your kids...talk to people..cuz once you make the choice to end it all, then that's it....no opportunity to see your children grow up and see them have children of their own...and they will carry your weakness with them...they will parent as you do..you are important and have a purpose, but you don't see it then maybe you need to let your hair down...don't dwell on it...anti-depressants will help...does your husband love you??? If not don't make any choices until you get yourself together,,,,cuz he will use it against you if you ever divorce...my mother always told me that there is always someone out there that has it 100 times worse off than the worse we could go through...it made me strong to face reality..and stop wasting my life in misery....nobody rescues the little girl inside....you gotta do it...we are dying a little each day now with age...life is too short..you may wake up one day 90 yrs old and see that you spent your whole life in misery....try to love life today..your kids need your strength...they are learning from you how to cope....buckle down...don't wait for the rescue....seek advice....

August 26, 2001
10:07 am
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pg lova
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JasKid,

Surely you don't want to die. Life throws many obstacles in our way, but you must remember that all obstacles in life are for our instruction not destruction. Something from the past is bothering you, something that you suppressed and pushed into your unconcious. But now, it has started to resurface and it's causing you hardships. You might try face to face counseling where you come in touch with your feelings. You might not even know what issue is causing you to feel this way, face to face counseling will help you find it. Also, as for your mate, he is hurting with you. He loves his wife and can't stand to see you suffer. Therefore, he blocks it out and walks on because every pain that you go through he feels it just like you and he just doesn't know what to do. It'll be all right, just push yourself and fight. I suffered from depression for two years, but I was a fighter. Get some over the counter ST. John's Wort (that's an herb used as an anti-depressant), excercise, go to face to face counseling, and find a positive outlet for your pain. Mine, was writing poetry and I just published my first book!!! Everything will be all right, butyou gotta fight, don't allow depression to conquer you, conquer it.

God Bless,

PG Lova

August 27, 2001
11:29 am
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Ladeska
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What if......what you have believed about "you".....isn't the way it really is...?

What if......you could really find out why - nothing makes sense to you regarding some things that have happened in your life?

What if......what stands at your door, right this moment - is the truth you have been waiting for all your life?

What if......it just feels like you're going over the edge because you're reaching out to really "find you" and in that process you have to let go of everything else - you thought you knew?

Sometimes the lies we have swallowed in life - get real toxic inside of us and they make us very sick...Why? Because they are lies and we have believed them to be truth. Our true self knows this and tries to reject it, expel it from our being...

But, you cannot expel something that you cannot identify....

It's time to start identifying what is there that has been parading as truth and isn't. It's time to start listening to You - the real you that really has great wisdom - just need to turn down the noise so you can hear it....

So, talk to us....time to unweave the spiderweb, a string at a time...your children have to have you in this world. Life without you - is going to affect them horribly. It's time to dig in with your heels and hang on...they came from you, so if you love them....you have to see part of you in each of them as well...they didn't get to be the lovely children they are - because you were this bad person - right?

I know where you are.....been there...isn't a pretty place....but, it's one that alot of people tried to push me into and it almost worked. Now I look back and realize - they feared me.....long story but sometimes we get brainwashed by people who don't like our "light". It wounds them because they are so dark.... They may profess to love us, etc., etc. and all the time - turn the screws in a very covert way...

You do know what I am talking about, don't you? The problem is....we often start "believing" their poison and then - they win...

Talk to me...

August 27, 2001
6:35 pm
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Molly
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Jaskid, this is off the wall, I know you need a break. Can you run away, check into a hospital for a week, check the kids into some where for a week, get away from it all???????????
is there a person at your church that you can talk to, have come over, is there any one that can lighten your load, have you been back to the doctor since the baby???????????????

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