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I want to be free of his control.
February 5, 2006
11:10 pm
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want2bfree
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I have recently ended a 6 year relationship with an addict. However this is not the first time I have ended it. Since 2004 this is the 3rd time I have ended it. I have just learned what a codependent is and that I am a codependent.

We have 2 children together and currently I have been trying to discuss a visitation agreement with him. We have one month to come to an agreement before the hearing. Each time I talk with him I get the same thing, "This isn't the time", "I don't want to argue with you right now", "I will let you know after I figure some things out" the worst for me "We have other issues we need to discuss besides the kids"

I spoke to him 2 nights ago about the 'other issues' and I know I wasn't being true to myself, because I don't feel that there is anything to gain for either of us going into these old relationship issues. Again, I did it because that is what made him happy, more because when I follow his wishes that is when he isn't mean and hateful towards me.

When our conversation was over that night I was left with sadness, guilt and anger towards him. Also a promise to call and to set up a time to see the kids on the weekend, as well as discuss visitation. That didn't happen, make a long story short, last I heard was him hanging up the phone on me.

When I express my feelings any at all, positive or negative I get this response. "I don't like your attitude" or "I don't want to argue with you right now" then hangs up.

I feel he is trying to control every aspect of when and what we discuss. I allowed that for far to long and I no longer want to be controlled by him.

I'm unsure what to do. I think the only thing left for me to do is let it go. I would rather decide on visitation together, but it seems that a judge may be the only solution.

I feel hopeless when it comes to communicating with this man. But I am going to have to deal with him for the rest of my life.

That's all, just needed to unload I guess.

February 5, 2006
11:33 pm
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lovingme
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i am in the process of ending a relationship with a girl i believe i love. we were together for over a year and alot of that time was rocky. she says she can't make up her mind if we can be together or not. she says she doesn't know if she is still in love with me, but when we spend time tigether we r kissing and holding hands. why do i hang on to this? why can't she tell me it over? should i be the one to end it. it's killing me?

February 6, 2006
2:26 am
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tinkrbell
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I Know exactly how you feel want2bfree. Been there done that and will not ever go back to that.

You just have to be strong and take you lofe back. Take control of what goes on in your life. No body has the right to control another person unless they wish to be conroled.

Take your life back before it's too late not just for you but for your children as well.

tink

February 6, 2006
8:38 pm
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want2bfree
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I feel more confident than ever this time, that I won't take him back that is.

It seems each time that we got back together I was hating myself more. Questioning myself why I took him back to begin with. Right now that is helping me, remembering the nights I wanted to leave this world just to get away from him.

I realize that I have the choice to be free of him. Just like you said, he can only control me if I want to be controlled.

Although, because of the children I feel like I have been sentenced to life. He is a manipulative man. No matter the bs he gives me now, he will put on another face when we are in front of a judge, or anyone for that matter.

He is an imaginary man. Only made up of words.

I have taken steps this time, counseling, CoDA meetings and chat.

Thanks for reading my post and the encouragement.

February 6, 2006
8:53 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Want2befree,

I understand very well how you feel. I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, (or shall I say sober alcoholic because he refuses any type of recovery) and our biggest issue these days is communication.

He is very much like your description of your b/f (husband?) in that whenever I try to discuss ANYTHING with him about ANYTHING relating to our relationship, I get the same responses.....I'm too tired, I worked all day...I don't want to hear it....I don't want to argue with you....oh, I can see you're in a mood, etc. etc. It is so frustrating, it's maddening.

I have dealt with this for so long and I just can't take it anymore. I also ended it with him last Thurs. I have ended it with him so many times already but I always go back hoping "this time will be different". It never is.

I don't have much advice, being I can't even seem to make up my own mind, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand and you are not alone.

Take care,
Lolli

February 7, 2006
9:19 pm
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want2bfree
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Lolli,

It's as if we aren't entitled to our thoughts and feelings. Any time there is something that needs to be discussed, we are in a 'mood' 'have an attitude'.

Its a mood and attitude to them, because they simply don't want to deal with the issues at hand.

Control.

I am happy to be able to say this, its strange how you just kind of wake up one day and start to realize things that have been happening for so long. I woke up and realized that Im not to blame for his issues, and that I don't want to be controlled anymore.

Its a tough situation with kids, if I completely shut him out, like I did from October to January, it will be used against me when it comes to the kids. He will claim I am denying him to see them. When in fact I have given him chances, open chances to see the kids. It's never a good time and he always has excuses, vaugh(spell check) excuses.

I can understand what you said about sober alcoholic, well i can relate anyway. Mine would always claim to be staying on the wagon, but never go and get the help he needs. I don't believe an addict, whether it be alcohol, or crack, can cure themselves of the disease.

I don't believe one single person can be their cure either. I tried that for to long. He convinced me many times that I could help him.

And I finally did.

I let him go. It's the only and best thing I can do for him.

Hang in there Lolli, and so will I.

Thank you!

February 8, 2006
12:46 pm
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momof5crazykids
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WANT2BFREE

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HERE BUT I CAN RELATE TO YOU. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN SEPERATED FOR A YEAR. HE IS VERY MANIPULATIVE AND CONTROLLING AND UNTIL A YEAR AGO I ALLOWED HIM TO CONTROL JUST ABOUT EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE. ANY TIME I WOULD STAND UP FOR MYSELF OR MY CHILDREN HE WOULD PACK UP AND LEAVE. I FINALLY HAD THE COURAGE TO SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I HAVE NOT LET HIM COME BACK AND MY CHILDREN AND I ARE DOING SO MUCH BETTER. HE HAS HARRASSED ME FOR THE LAST YEAR.... MAKING THREATS, PROMISING TO CHANGE...ETC. BUT I STOOD MY GROUND AND STARTED PUTTING MY AND MY CHILDRENS HAPPINESS FIRST.

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