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I want my husband back
May 25, 2000
12:55 am
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tulips
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Does anyone have any suggestions on how I cope with the hurt and depression I am feeling? My husband left my 3 children and myself about 3 months ago after 16 years of marriage. When I see him now ,I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. He suddenly starting doing things he had never done before and tells me he see's a new life for himself, that if he stays with us he cannot move forward. We had what I always thought was a good marriage, not perfect but we didn't argue or fight. He gave me a lot of time and space to do the things I liked and I always took that time thinking if he'd wanted it any different he would have told me. All I ever wanted was for him to show me that he loved me. He says he tried, but I am not a mind reader and love is a "doing" word as far as I am concerned. He told me that he is scared about being a lonely old man, but as far as I can see that is exactly what he is setting himself up for. He tells me that he loves me and always will but he can't love me the way I need him to. All of a sudden he is totally consumed with working for his retirement but surely without the love and companionship of your family that will be a lonely time for him. He has never been a good communicator and I feel that after 16 years that has a lot to do with how he is feeling now. If only he could have told me how he had felt I feel sure we could have avoided this awful position we are in now. He seems to be emotionally shut down. I never ever thought that I would end up in this position and never did I want my children to have to experience family breakdown either. He loves the children very much and is a good father. I want him to come home so desperatly so that we can try to reconcile but he has made up his mind that his decision is final, which I feel totally crushed by because I feel like he has walked away without even trying. Has anyone been in a simlilar position or can offer any advise?

May 25, 2000
2:54 am
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hazza
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HI Tulips,

it seems to me that your husband is as you say, decided that he wants to be apart from the marriage.

He could have made the effort to talk with you and resolve things but he chose not to. That is significant.

I know it hurts like hell, but the man does not want to try to make things work so there is nothing you can do. Why? who knows, sometimes people act this way when they have someone else but are too much of a coward to explain that to their psrtner, so they make out that there is no hope for the relationship etc etc, when all along it is just that they have found someone else. which is unforgivable to blame someone for the breakdown of the relationship rather than tell them the truth.

Sometimes people see no future for a relationship because they may be depressed or going through a crisis int heir lives and simpl;y it is easier towalk away than to face the strugle of trying to resolve the problems.

There can be so many reasons why he woul dact this way, but it sounds to me like there is something else going on that you don't know about. it could be anything from work problems, health issues or whatever. But you should ask him for the truth and explain that to withold the truth is far crueller that to just tell you. He owes you that much surely.

Hugs to you at this difficult time. There is not much i can say that will help, but the best thing you can do is to try to find out what is really gong on in his mind and then once you know that, try as best you can to concentrate on YOU. there is little more you can do if he does not wish to solve this with you. I am sorry.
Peace
Hazza

May 25, 2000
11:15 am
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lost soul
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Yes, Tulips

hazza is right. i don't believe that someone who is working for retirement would just walk away like that.surely there must be some issues which he is not prepare to discuss and resolve with you.

You must be going throught a hard time at this moment.Be strong, at least you have your three beautiful children with you.

My heart is with you at this moment and hope that you will get over with this "traumatic period" soon.

From : Hope 🙂

May 25, 2000
1:50 pm
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Brenda
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Dear tulips:
YOu should take the time to go to a grief counsellor or really talk to a close friend about your feelings. What a lonely and confusing time it must be for you and your children.
I must say, there seemed to be a strong lack of communication, you seemed to think everything was "ok" with him ( but didnt appear to ask ) and you both gave each other lots of space and there were no arguments.
I personally feel arguments and disagreements ( not destructive ones )are a sign of health in a relationship. If things can be resolved afterwards and needs that are expressed from both partners can be respected and honored.
It sounds as if you had a very emotionally cripple and distant marriage with this man.
Perhaps, you can take this time to really get in touch with your own needs, desires, feelings and ambitions. For two people to be so uncommunicative and distant for eighteen years, suggest a lack of ability to be intimate with each other and shows a strong inability to be intimate and close to SELF
blessings

May 25, 2000
9:04 pm
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tulips
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Thank you all for your replys and good wishes. Yes we do seem to have an inability to be emotionaly intimate. I have always made my feelings very clear but for some reason he seems unable to do the same. I have had some counselling and am on anti-depressants which have helped me. My children are the one thing that hold me together and get me through each day. I guess I just have to keep that glimmer of hope alive that he will realise how much we love him and want to come home. Although I am afraid of the day that I wake up and don't feel it anymore.

Tulips

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