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I voice my thoughts and he ignores me.... Am I wrong?
July 6, 2007
12:13 pm
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ShortCake
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I have been dating this guy for 5 months. Things have been moving really slow and he has given me many mixed signals (like distance, being really INTO ME, and then pushing me away, then pulling me back). I have spent the last 5 months trying to show him I care… I care for him deeply. He shows me he cares too, but won’t fully let me into his heart.

I am codependent and I am working hard on learning to stand up for myself and to love myself. I have focused on trying to not let someone control me and my life. I am learning its okay to have an opinion and voice my thoughts when dating… I have grown a lot in the last year, but sometimes things are just tough…. I sometimes wonder if its me and my codependency making mistakes or if I am doing things right?

This guy is someone from my past and after 10 years we are dating again. Things at first were amazing, then he put this wall up and the mixed signals came. I got frustrated at times and over the last 5 months we have had about 2 big talks about what’s going on…. Well I found out from one of his friends that he is broken hearted over his ex and how he hurt her and how he has been trying the pain he caused her… and how he still has feelings for her…. I was shocked and hurt. We were at a party when I found out, I became distant to him and he could sense I was upset. I have learned that yelling and being dramatic don’t help, so I took a deep breath and I did not talk to him that night. In the morning, I had formed my words and I talked to him in a nice calm manor. I said things like, I found out the reason you and your ex broke up and how you hurt her and that you feel guilty about the pain. I also said, I am sorry you feel guilty, but you have been dating me for 5 months and the hints I have gotten from you made her out to be the one who broke your heart… I explain how everything I thought was backwards and how it hurts to know he has been dating me while still wanting her… I explained how it hurts me to know I am in second place. I then told him I have been in second place with the last two men I have dated and I am not going to live in second place again. I deserve to be number one. Anyways, as I was calming talking, he just sat there and did not say a word (he never communicates much and shuts down easy…) So I said, do you want to say anything??? He said “I am sorry” and then he said, “If it helps I have not dated any one else or been with any other women since I have been with you.” And that was it… I talked some more and he just sat there with this horrible look on his face. It was a look of hurt, pain and shock.

Well that was Sunday, to say the least he never responded to me… so on Monday I sent him a text message… he never responded, by Tuesday I was a mess. I called him in the morning with a emotional call hurting and confused needing to talk to him… he never called. He sent me a text a few hours later saying “You deserve a response. I am sorry for hurting you.” And then I text him back two messages and he never responded, so I wrote text him again saying “Can we meet up when you get off work I really need to talk to you as a friend.” He wrote back hours later “I am at work till 9:30” I wrote back, I know can we met when you get off? No response, then I wrote, if its to late to meet, can you at least call me on the phone? He never responded… So I was hurt, I ended up calling at 10 PM leaving him a second emotional call saying, I really needed him to be my friend and talk to me… blah blah… no response. Then in the morning, I felt guilty (MY CODA ISSUE), so I wrote him a text saying “I am sorry for my actions yesterday. Everything I want to say comes out wrong. Just know I care. If you ever want to talk I am here.” He wrote back “K. I hope your day is better today. We will talk soon.” That was Wednesday, and nothing so far… I have not called him or text, I am done being that girl who gets all nutty, my emotional actions only lasted through one day, so I am proud of the fact I was able to stop contacting him after one day. I finally saw myself being the codependent girl I am working hard on changing.

I guess what hurts so much is I talk to him about my feelings, about why I am upset, I open up and share, and he ignores me. If I am wrong, he could tell me, but instead he just ignores me. Since he is ignoring me, I am starting to think I am doing something wrong, now I am taking on the guilt for everything and I am blaming myself for my actions. I am blaming myself for speaking up… I know that is wrong, but the guilt I feel for him ignoring me is hard… I know that is my codependency, but it hurts because I cared about him so much and I feel I am worth at least a phone call…

I just needed to share my situation – Thanks for reading my vent.

July 6, 2007
12:18 pm
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ShortCake
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Just to add a second note - Things between us are great when we are together, he truly is a great guy. What I can't get, is the shutting down and ignoring me. What does that say about him and I? What does that say about him?

I would never ignore someone in pain, not even if I felt they were wrong and I was right, I would at least let them know I care.

July 6, 2007
12:38 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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right or wrong - it doesn't matter who is.

if it affects your ability to have a healthy, happy relationship then it's a problem.

you should have a partner you can communicate with on an equal footing.

if he can't, then he isn't a good match.

doesn't make it right or wrong, nobody is to blame, it just is what it is.

I think you had a right to communicate your feelings. I think he was wrong to not respond.

but it doesn't matter what I think, it matters how YOU FEEL. And if makes you upset, then that's all that matters.

July 6, 2007
12:41 pm
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lewis
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sometimes people don't respond how we want them to and we feel hurt and dissapointed even ignored, the thing is I have no answer for you except you are a human with feelings don't be so hard on yourself.

Take care

July 6, 2007
1:01 pm
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doubleloss
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hi short cake, it's good you caught yourself falling to the destructive co-dependent patterns. so that is big progress.

do you REALLY want to be w/someone that thinks it's OK to ignore you? that you have to walk on egg shells all the time?

i know men (an women) withdraw when feeling pressured and put against a wall - normal human behaviour - so, in a totally cold, objective, analytical way.... are you putting undue pressure, or pushing to hard the relationship?? I am not implying anything, it's just food for thought.

If the answer is no, then you know what to do. change strategies. be unpredictable, don't behave in the regular ways that are expected and see what happens1!

good luck!

July 6, 2007
1:29 pm
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ShortCake
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

risingfromtheashes - Your right, it does not matter who is right or wrong, what matters is it does affect my ability to have a healthy relationship. Even though it hurts, him and I are not matching up as two people coming into a relationship equally. It does not mean he is bad, or I am, but the way he is reacting is taring me up inside. I am very emtoinal and I need someone to balance me and love me even at my worst times. Because in general, I would do the same for my partner. Life is full of struggles.

lewis - Yes, I am hard on myself. I always have been. I take on more then I should when it comes to trying to fix things. My mother use to tell me to stop saying I am sorry, she said I was saying it as soon as I could speak. I appolagize for others actions, even if they were wrong, I take it upon myself to fix everything and make people happy. That is my main struggle with codapendency.

doubleloss - Yes, I can finally see my coda issues rising up in life, but I still react to them. Like my 2 phone calls and multiple texts in one day... but as soon as I saw that part of myself come out. I stopped. You are very right about the egg shell part, if I walk back into this guys life will I walk on egg shells? Yes, since I won't want to deal with this pain again. But walking on egg shells makes me someone else, and if he falls in love with the someone else, then the love is false. I need to be true to myself.

Thanks again everyone - Yes, I would say I need to continue to stand up for myself. I don't ever want to be that girl walking on egg shells again (that is the past me who I am changing). I deserve to be heard and if I am right or wrong, I need someone to support me during hard times, not ignore me.

I am not saying this guy is bad or anything negative, but like it was stated above, maybe him and I are not a match that can work out. He needs time to think and ignore, I need comfort and support. Those are big obsticals.

Not I just need to think about what I want and remember, its okay to be single. It opens the door for the right guy. Time will heal everything... I know that role well.

July 6, 2007
5:58 pm
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ShortCake
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Have a great weekend everyone! This post has helped. I am going to go home and enjoy my weekend. Take things one day at a time, but also remember I need to continue to be who I am inside. I need to voice my thoughts and feelings and stand up for myself. Even when I am wrong, I need to know its okay to make mistakes. Thats human nature.

Life is tough, relationships are tough and it takes two people working together. Two people who fit each others life styles. I have a lot to think about, and a lot to still learn. Life is one big learning lesson.

July 6, 2007
9:08 pm
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Loralei
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I've been in your shoes before. I know how much it hurts to be "second" in your man's life. If your case was like mine, then it boils down to his not being that "into" you, just like the book says. He may be a decent guy. He may like you and enjoy being with you. But he clearly is not in love with you. Sounds like he's still hung up on his ex, with guilt anyway. But regardless of his past, you are not the one for him or he wouldn't be treating you this way. He'd be chasing after you. That's the cold, hard truth of the matter.

If you want a serious relationship with a man, then cut this one loose and keep looking. If friends with benefits is all you want, then you could probably have that with this one. But you can't make someone fall in love with you. It either happens or it doesn't and it usually happens early in the game.

He's probably not responding to you because he doesn't want to hurt you further by telling you the feeling isn't mutual. His silence is telling you everything you need to know. Talking about it won't change anything so why bother.

Scratch this one off the list and start looking for new possibilities. Don't settle for less than you deserve or you'll never find happiness.

BTW, I think you handled the situation just fine. You had a calm, rational talk and spoke from your heart. You knew something was "wrong" and you put it on the table. You didn't get the reaction you were hoping for. But at least you now know where you stand. It's always better to know the truth so you can adjust accordingly. Your calling him and texting him after the "talk" did not push him away. He was never there to begin with. You can't lose something you never had. Let him go. If his feelings ever change, he knows how to find you.

July 6, 2007
9:41 pm
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jasminum sambac
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Hello Shortcake

If he still has big issues with his ex, he may have to resolve them, and let go of his relation with her more before he'd be fully into another relation, with you or anyone.

Thumbs up to you for cooling off and then talking calmly and speaking your mind.

July 6, 2007
10:05 pm
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Rasputin
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SC~ I was dating a guy a number of years ago like that and now...all I can think of is....if the man is really interested in us or is ready...he will be seeking us out. The bottom line is Nothing will stop him from pursuing us and vice versa.

Don't let's give them any excuses or cover up for them. If the guy is really hasn't got over his ex, he would call us and tell us that he needs sometime to grieve over his ex. This is what an honest respectful man would do. If he does not, guess what...he is NOT ready for romance and committement.

I used to give guys so many excuses such as may be he wants to reflect or think about it. The truth is all these are lies we convince ourselves of coz we are afraid to face the truth.

Please hon let's just wait for the right person. He will show up when we are all ready!!!

Blessings!

July 9, 2007
12:11 pm
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ShortCake
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Happy Monday!

Thanks everyone again for your posts. It helps to keep reading more idea's and thoughts...

I spent the weekend looking at my life and realized, I do deserve better. I came to this conclusion.... It does not matter who did right or wrong when it comes to him and I being upset, but you don't just walk away and igorore someone when times get tough. You listen or support the other person, if you have something to say you say it, if you need time you say that too and respect the person by being honest. You don't just hit the road. His actions are speaking louder then words and I deserve to be treated better.

I kept thinking, what would I say if he calls.... well like its stated above, why talk it out or even go there, he cleary is not that into me or he would not dis-respect me this way. I need and deserve more.

Thanks!

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