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I used to really kick my ass when I first started posting here!
April 22, 2005
2:05 pm
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balancesekr
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So last night, I went through the archives on this site and read my first few posts. In order to find mine, I read the titles, all my titles cry out for direction! I can't believe how freakin lost I seemed when I read through them, I feel silly, but I am trying to understand where all that uncertainty came from and not think of myself as pathetic.

Then I had a dream about my ex. I wanted to see him and did, I wanted to get back together but, he was punishing me and not wanting to come back.

I have been really strong lately with not contacting him, I have wanted to so many times and haven't. I am in the same kind of pattern that I was in with him, I am seeing a new guy, but of course I am hung up on the relationship with my ex. I have my doubts with the new guy and express them. We talked last night and I swear I had the same conversation with my last 2 exs.

How do I kick the habit, get clean and find what I am looking for. I am doing the same thing, thinking if I dump the new guy I will be missing out. I don't know how to get clear and free myself. At least this time, I feel like I can break away from the new guy and I won't be totally devastated. I would miss him, but I would get some clarity, I hope.

I guess the trap here is I find someone who is interested in me, I push away, break it off and then think I can't find anyone I love, who loves me. Then I conclude, if I am interested, the other person won't be!

Oh boy! Just venting and sharing where I am at, thanks for reading.
balancesekr

April 23, 2005
4:10 pm
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bonita1
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I know what you mean, balance. If you're interested in a man, then the other person is usually not interested in you.

That's why I've decided to just see who is interested in me, first, then I see if I'm even remotely attracted to them. Weelll, this is my theory. LOL! I have to wait til next year to prove or disprove it. Generally, I believe its better to let the men do the pursuing. Then we can catch 'em! LOL 😀

~~bonita

April 23, 2005
4:45 pm
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balancesekr
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hey bonita,
how come next year? taking a break for awhile, which is what I could use?

April 23, 2005
6:45 pm
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Desert Moon
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I didn't take my attorney's advice, but when you break up (in my case a divorce), you are supposed to give yourself 1 month for every year you were together to regroup, (for me that should have been 25 months!)so that you dont get into another relationship on the rebound (supposedly you get into rebound relationships because you are vulnerable and so they ususally don't work out).

Is it possible, balance, to give yourself a break like this? I know you are seeing someone now, but is it possible to tell him you need space for a while? I know you loved your ex very much, and you probably loved him for the right reasons but it was not a situation that worked for either of you and I know how much that sucks. But if you give yourself a break and focus just on your needs maybe you can begin to see things from a different perspective. Do you have anything in mind that you could do, just for yourself? Like go on a trip with a girlfriend for a weekend?

April 23, 2005
9:25 pm
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balancesekr
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hi desertmoon,
I am so glad you posted me back on this one! It was really weird reading through my old posts, it brought up so many feelings.

I do need a new perspective, you are right on with that! Right now, I am kind of stuck. I ask the new guy how he feels about me, and would he marry me, what the heck is wrong with me! Now, he is telling me he loves me and here I am ready to say I need space again. I am afraid of losing him all together while I have him here with me, but what the heck do we have if I always doubt relationships from the beginning, I have done this in my past 2 relationships, I want to know I can stop.

Every time I see the new guy, I am attracted and can't seem to tell him the things I think when I am home by myself. I could just tell him the truth, I am having a difficult time, I really didn't take enough time for myself, I am under a lot of stress and I can't be involved.

But, it never seems to be enough of break, I don't know how to get the break I need here and have it be enough, but not freak out that I am going to totally lose him! help!

Yes, I desperately need to have some me time. I have been making plans for this upcoming week, I am off from school. I am just wondering when I am going to find my balance!

April 23, 2005
9:42 pm
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Desert Moon
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balance,

Maybe can write your b/f a letter expressing what you are going through.
I write letters all the time. It helps alot.

Remember, codependents constantly worry about how the other person will react more than focusing on what they need to do. If you feel you really need 'me' time, then do not worry about how b/f feels. If he stays, then you will know he is being supportive, if he doesn't, then you cannot do anything about it and maybe it wasn't a healthy thing to begin with.

If you feel you need space and he is secure with that then he should be able to give it to you. Just take a week or two where your not seeing him, maybe that is all you will need.

But follow your gut instinct. There is a reason your mind is telling you you need a break. Don't fight it, and dont worry about the other (his reaction).

Good luck!

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