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I use to be happy, I use have goals, Now I am abused
February 5, 2007
4:27 pm
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FreeFeather
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Hello,

Guess I am at the right place. I got married 7 years ago and have two children. They have become independent.

I am now a basket case. when we first got married, I had perfect credict and ended up filing chap 13. We have been evicted 3 times and now on the fourth eviction. I thought I could help him with his job woes. Two years ago out of despearation, I suggested truck driver. He completed it and went on the road. In the meantime, My eldest daughter in culinary school. She save up money for a car, so I could have mine back. She bought a lemon, a non driving care LOL that was pretty. Well, like a dumn person I allowed her to use mine and endured countless stranded days to the point I become nutso. During this time, I decided to wean myself from klonopin and a anti depressant. The Doctor said do both. Well, I ended up in the ER with BP of 190 over 110 dizzy and sick feeling. the nurse called my hubby eight times, no answer. The intern said my husband abusing me physically, but he was over 500 miles away. They wanted me to take another anti depressant and left me in this room alone for some time. I freaked out and left. Bad move. I got lost on my own road for two hours, very weak and sick. I finally made it back home and husband had called from a number. I called the number and it was 2 female dispatch and I left a message. One called me back and was extremely rude and nasty. He did not call until the next day. I asked him to come home in Sept. end of traing and he did not come home until nine months latter. Things just got worse. He got a temp trucking job, lost his car and now we are yet going to be evicted again this week. I have no money. I have been extremely sick for almost 2 years. I feel stupid and idiotic to have let this happen.

Funny thing, my doctor and he both accussed each other of mistreatment. Since the night at the hospital, I have exteme abandament problems. I am fearfull of being alone. I use to love being alone. I feel always stressed out. I feel fearful and afraid. I have tried to get a job and nothing has worked. I have land trying to sale and it has not sold yet.

I feel at my wits end and honestly do not remember the care free person I use to be. He came home but matters only got worse. He has kept my car and to work and now he does not have a job.
We are being evicted and frankly I feel sick. I was diagnosed with beginning of emphesema a month ago. Oxygen is still 98 percent and I get around OK, still walk and such.

I Just want to stare at the ocean or be somewhere to get my wits together. Cause right now, I do not know if I am co dependent counter dependent or what.

My doctor did do something great, I found I only have PTSD and not bi polar, thank god.
I have sensory hyper and sounds are major loud to me. My story is too long.

I just need some reassurance I will be oK.

I need to get somewhere safe and feel peaceful again. I enjoy many things, but my life seems to have turned into a nightmare. I want to get away from him, but he seems OK one moment but the next he ignores me, will not listen to me. I feel betrayed and scared.

I have hardly any money and feel like I have no where to go. My land, have had buyers but something always happens.
I just want to be independent again or at least have some peace in my life, knowing I will have somewhere to live in six months, a year would seem like a miracle.

I have turned to a wimmpy, down trodden woman and I use to be independent, making decisions on my own. Now, I feel I cannot do anything

I hope this does not disturb anyone nor breaks any rules.

February 5, 2007
4:38 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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thank you for sharing that.

you said in the title you were abused...how so?

is your doctor prescribing any new meds?

are you seeing a therapist?

If not, I would suggest a therapist.

I am glad you aren't bipolar, cuz that's a hard battle to fight...but PTSD is too. And a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. There are many different therapies to help you with PTSD.

What was the traumatic event, do you remember? Often trauma can lead to sensitivity to noise and commotion/chaos.

Perhaps going off the meds sent you in a downward spiral? How long have you felt this way? Did you feel this way on the meds?

Please know you can share anything here...and your post did not break any rules.

some days are slower than others...it's random, but weekends are usually slower...so don't panic if you don't get a reply...keep talking...someone is usually listening.

February 6, 2007
12:50 am
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free
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Hi freefeather

I remember feeling this way. Very clearly.

Time to start planning on how to get out. You didn't get here overnight. this is gonna be a journey.

It's challenging. But that free independent person you once were- will be twofold.

free

February 6, 2007
9:34 am
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mj
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I am glad you found this site. It will help to feel your feelings and talk your issues through. Welcome!

February 7, 2007
5:26 pm
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mamacinnamon
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FreeFeather:

I'm glad you are here. Sorry for your circumstances, but want to say glad to meet you.

"I have turned to a wimmpy, down trodden woman and I use to be independent, making decisions on my own. Now, I feel I cannot do anything."

This statement hit home w/ me. I was in a marriage and

Please check out the thread called Emotional abuse - Worse than Physical?

In it it states...Many women assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, then they're not being abused. That's not necessarily true. You may be in a relationship which is draining something from you -- you might not have recognized that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

Do you see this as you? There are several checklists there so please do go check it out.

I will tell you where I was 17 years ago. I was so down trodden and depressed I could function enough to take care of my kids and that was about it. I let myself go appearance wise. I was clean just unkept. My kids were clean and fed and played toys while I sat on the couch and basically just starred off into nowhere. I couldn't cry, I couldn't function, I couldn't do anything but take care of my kids minimally. I wanted to die so very bad, but would not take my life coz I had kids to raise. My mind was constantly on how to kill him or how to kill me. I had no happiness, no friends, no desire to find a friend, I was alone, afraid, terrified, and could not stop shaking. This was me 17 years ago.

We divorced. When he left a black cloud lifted and my kids were kids and I started to heal. I again bacame the independent woman that could do for herself and her kids and needed no man. Little overboard there, but wanted you to see. I found my self-esteem; I found me.

To go back a bit... I have PTSD. I don't know if you have a full understanding of what PTDS or not. Check out:
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medline.....000925.htm
This should give you a better understanding.

I feel for you and know where you are coming from. I think talking it out is a great benefit. I think counseling is even better. I will tell you tho that PTDS started my health problems and today I am seriously ill and it IS because of stress. Get yourself taken care of. I honestly would hate to see anyone live like I have to daily because of PTSD.

I'm here for you as are so many others that do understand where you are. Please do talk it out. Decide where you want to go w/ your situation and lets get a plan in order.

February 8, 2007
2:31 pm
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eurogurl
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freefeather your story made me cry and touched me so deeply, this is where codependency can lead, and you still can turn things around, physically, mentallly, emotionally and financially if you have hope and faith.
god im going to write a book, this is it, i have to get this message out to other women, my message, and the message of so many other women who have suffered through love addiction

February 8, 2007
2:53 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Eurogurl:

What will the name of the thread be. I'm interested in reading what you have to say. Or will you type it here.

February 9, 2007
7:12 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((freefeather))

February 9, 2007
8:30 pm
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mamacinnamon
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FreeFeather:

How are you today???

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