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I thought I was going crazy!
January 5, 2006
9:57 pm
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LotusTampa
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This is my first time here. I've been voraciously reading these posts to help me find some type of comfort through my despair (via my own making, of course).

It is comforting to be amongst like-minded people--I'm so glad!

My relationship ended just after Thanksgiving and REALLY ended just a little over a week ago (meaning there was contact, physical, etc.).

I have been beating myself up relentlessly! I have been ruminating about all of my "mistakes".

I am disgusted at my own behavior because, intellectually, I understand not to do certain things in relationships; i.e., appear to clingy, pushy, impatient, but I emotionally, I lose it when I meet someone I really like.

Anyway, my X continually told me all of my faults and never complimented me on anything! And what stinks so bad is that I put up with being unhappy and feeling like crap AND I allowed him to dump me because he said, "he couldn't deal with my problems".

I am really struggling letting go of this and it's incredibly painful. While I still feel like I *love* him, I am so irked at being so foolish and not using my intelligence to leave when things did not feel right. ARGH!

Anyone have any suggestions on how to release this anguish?

Thanks,
LotusTampa

January 5, 2006
10:55 pm
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jewel2
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Oh I have been in this place so many times in the past. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but unfortunately I am still baby-stepping my way through my own bad choices and am not remotely qualified to advise others! 🙂 Does it help to just know that you are not alone?

January 5, 2006
11:57 pm
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exoticflower
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You where abused emotionally, it sounds like to me, and you have to be gentle with yourself. Hearing from someone you love and truat and want the oproval of over and over again that you are flawed and inferior, well, dear, that is a lot to take, AND a lot to let go of.

The first thing you can do is sit down and be really honest with yourself--what of this was TRUE? When someone tells you YOU are wrong, what it usually means is THEY are dispelased. To say that their feelings are your facts is a LIE, and if you think about it, any time you heard that you where bad or defective, it was a lie. You are not bad, someone was dispelased. List all of the things ex told you that really stuck, and write down anything you know about yourself that discounts that. And keep telling yourself over and over and over that ou don't have to believe that, it is not true. You deserve to love yourself, and anyone who makes you feel that you shouldn't is the one who is wrong. That is not love, it is programing, training, and conditioning.

Let yourself cry too, dear, and remember that you are HURT and let yourself heal. Let yourself be angry too, someone took your trust and abused it, that is something to be angry about, and completley apropriate. You deserve not to be mistreated. Keep telling yourself that. Spend a lot of time loving and rebuilding yourself, telling yourself good things even if it feels strange or akward. You need to hear them, and you have a right to.

You said in the title that you felt crazy--an interesting thing to search here would be "crazymaking" which is the act of deliberately making one act out or doubt themselves in order to create insecurity. It is a nasty, scary thing worth looking into and trying to understand. If you feel that was the case with you, that you where the victim of crazymaking behavior, that is, it can be so validating and relieving just to be aware of it and forgive yourself and be able to trust yourself and your own truth again.

January 5, 2006
11:59 pm
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exoticflower
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I am gong to bump up a couple of threads for you, one about emotional abuse, one about "stealth abuse", both have a lot of info and links to more info.

January 6, 2006
12:04 am
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exoticflower
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I'm sorry, it's "aka crazymaking"

January 6, 2006
9:19 am
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taj64
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There is vast information on this site to help you. Don't beat yourself up. None of this was your fault. You deserve better. Have you read the book on Codependency No More by Melody Beattie? It is wonderful book and eye opener. I hope it helps you. I did for me.

January 6, 2006
9:23 am
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LotusTampa
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Thanks so much everyone for responding. I never heard of "crazymaking" or "stealth abuse" before now.

Oh, I'm going to do so much reading about this.

I wish I could slap a few of these articles in his face...yeah, a lot of good that would do.

However, this is the time to focus on ME to heal so that I have a much better outcome the next go around.

January 6, 2006
9:36 am
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readyforachange
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Oh, sweetie...I'm sure I could tell you stories about the things I put up with in my 17 years of marriage that would curl your hair. Don't beat yourself up about this...Yes, you stayed in the relationship, and yes, you allowed this to happen. BUT...the most important thing is that you are no longer IN the relationship. You made the choice to take care of yourself, and to heal yourself. Applaud yourself for doing that before it was too late and there was nothing left of "you". Instead of focusing on the negative and asking why, focus on what you will do to heal yourself. It will be a lot of work, but you can do it. And all of us will be here to cheer you on! ((((lotus)))) hugs for strength!

January 6, 2006
9:36 am
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exoticflower
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http://www.heartless-bitches.c.....buse.shtml

Someone here directed me to this when I first started really coming to grips with what was happening and what it really was, something to look at maybe? The entire site is pretty empowering!

January 6, 2006
9:43 am
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whidbey
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LotusTampa,

You're at the right place to get all the information to help you do the work to get healthy again. Really dig into these articles these wonderful people bring up. It will bring such enlightenment into your life, which is the first huge step into healing yourself.

The others who have been here longer are better at bumping these things up than I am, so I'll leave it in their capable hands... 🙂

Just know, that this is a place where you will receive a LOT of support in what you are going through. Welcome, and welcome to your first day of healing!

January 6, 2006
10:04 am
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LotusTampa
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All:

Thank you SO much for bringing to light this information. It's helping me see more clearly.

Honestly, I really did think I was going crazy because we would start a topic and twist it all around and have me confused to heck and back and it would end up being MY fault. HUH?!

For example, one time I REALLY tried to break up with him and then it turned out to being me with the one with all of the problems and then I felt like crap.

The sick thing is, he was so crafty at this I believed him (and I certainly wouldn't classify myself as a naive woman).

I have no idea how I allowed this toxic person into my life. Well, I guess I felt "sorry" for him because of his situation he was going through at the time. I was being "benevolent" and I got sucked in.

I sware, even if I jumped at a scary movie he would give me the dirtiest look and say "Jesus F'in Christ", like I was so stupid for reacting to the movie.

He made fun of my gestures, my laugh, everything. And then he said he was just sarcastic and that I am too sensitive.

A little teasing every now and again is OK with me, but it became incessant.

I don't mean to keep belaboring the topics but it helps to get it out--to validate how I felt about certain things he said to me.

There was absolutely no rationalizing with him. I felt like I had to start hiding things from him just so I wouldn't get sarcastic remarks or questioning all the time.

I conveyed all sorts of information to him about my past, my insecurities (I trust him, no doubt) and then when he ended our relationship he said he wanted us to be friends. He also said, "You told me none of the other people you dated could deal with you and look, I'm still here after six months".

I am sure I will continue to beat myself up for a little while.

Anyway, thanks so much for all of this. I'm going to keep reading...I feel a sense of relief.

LotusTampa

January 6, 2006
10:35 am
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dalpuz
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Hey LT,

I've spent the last year going through the same thing with my girlfriend. Through in alcohol abuse and then escalating physical abuse and you got danger written all over it.

And, let me guess, if he admitted what he's done to you and realized how much he loves you, you'd take him back in a sec? Well, I probably would too right now. That's why this place in so good. Just when you think you might do something silly, you can come back here and get a little grounded.

The people talking to you on your thread here are people who have helped to give me insight. Don't be afraid to open up here, it's healthier if you do.

My ex isn't allowed to speak to or be in contact with me right now, so we only communicate through her father (officer). I know some night she's going to come a knocking at 2 in the morning and it's going to be the toughest thing in the world to not open that door. The electricity in a room is noticable between us even if the rooms full and we are on opposite sides. People who don't know us speak to people wo do know us and comment about what's between us. People can feel it, it's just that powerful between us. Passion and A craving to just be around one another. But through it all, her insecurites, alcohol abuse, emotional and physical abuse to keep her with a sence of feeling in control, she's loosing everything that she craves so much.

I would always think it was me. Someone here pointed out that she has probably never had someone completely and unconditionally love her and just don't even know how to handle it. That seems to be more more true.

Don't give up who you are to make anything work. I'm sure you don't do it at workk so don't do it anywhere.

Welcome and talk to you soon.

January 6, 2006
11:03 am
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LotusTampa
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dalpus,

Well, I absolutely knew what I was getting into but I *thought* I could deal with his emotional issues and stay detached and be a friend to him.

It doesn't help when sex is involved--at the onset--oh boy, I have a few issues I need to deal with myself! HAHA!

Anyway, I just was trying to be a bright spot in his crappy life because I am a compassionate human being, but I ended up sacrificing my own happiness, setting terrible boundaries, allowing someone else to make me feel badly about who I am.

I saw that his behavior was rife with insecurities, anger issues, trust issues, all kinds of things...

I thought I was grounded enough to *help* him--well, his problems are not my problems.

However, being that I knew BOTH of us had f'd up childhoods, both divorced (well, he was going through one--BIG MISTAKE FOR ME--but, again, I thought I could be detached), both had some other issues that I can't divulge here, I was truly trying to be his friend, companion, etc.

I can see where I got really attached because of the tremendous sexual energy (which is not the first time I've done this too myself--again, another issue I need to address).

However, I tolerated his rudeness to me. He would say the most inappropriate things to me and I wouldn't even know what to do. I thought I was being too sensitive (I've been told that my whole life), or I would just dismiss it and hope it would go away by not reacting.

He was so defensive if he was inadvertently criticized--would not let ANYTHING go! When we first met, I called him another name--of someone I work with--I felt SO horrible. I do that crap all the time (my mind works so fast). Well, even after SIX months he brought that up in our last conversation.

Any little slight, and he would hang onto it for dear life and then use that as a weapon against me.

Shit happens man.

It was so clear that our relationship was riddled with fear that neither of us trusted the other.

More than that, his rationalization for everything seemed SO rational that I started doubting even my own sincerity.

I recall in the six months we were seeing each other, that he only gave me three compliments--and one was somewhat solicited after I got my hair done. The other two were the same thing, "you smell good".

I repeatedly complimented him on so many things--"you are smart, talented, handsome"--I knew he suffered esteem issues here and I was trying to bolster him to let him know he is valuable too.

Don't get me wrong, I was not picture-perfect--and I got wigged out and resentful--but for god sake, who wouldn't?!

Anyway...enough of this rant...for now. HAHA

Thanks for your words. I hope you are able to recover from your situation too--believe me, I know what that chemistry is like--it sucks when it's so strong and the person is SO not right for us.

Peace,
Lotus

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