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I think there is a problem..
October 4, 1999
11:58 am
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WILSON
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I think there is a problem with my 2 year relationship with my boyfriend. We are both 28 years old. We love eachother dearly. Really just general arguments that we have when we do argue. But I think I am doing something wrong. When I first became aware of this I was shocked! We had been dating for 4 mos or so and we were in bed, I was almost asleep when I heard him change the channel to a porn and listened to him jack off like 4 times. I could not believe that he was doing that right there next to me! We had never had problems with our sexual relations at that time. Since then I have been more aware of his thing that he does. He has put in his favorite places (online) these sex porn websites. He sometimes doesn't come to bed with me. He is in his office online and I am sure I know what he is doing. We don't have that great of sex life anymore. I wish we did. I have talked to him about this thing that he does and even confronted him with what he did along time ago (when it happened) and all he says is that its a natural thing and he is doing nothing wrong. or he defends himself and lies about it. What am I doing wrong. He makes me feel inadequate when he does this, like I can't make him feel that good. What should I do? It really bothers me to where I don't want to touch him.

October 4, 1999
4:05 pm
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Jaskid
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Wilson,

He is apparently obsessed with this. I have had experience with my husband with this same issue. He did this for 2 years before I even found out, when I did it crushed me. My gutt always told me that he was up to something, but I ignored it. This needs to stop for you two to ever make it as a couple. This thing will make you feel so insecure to the point of destroying your whole self esteem. I will talk to you some more if you want... gotta go my hubby just walked in and I don't want him to get mad that I am sharing this.

Jaskid

October 4, 1999
8:01 pm
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J. C.
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Wilson, this 'thing' he is doing is exactly that to him...a 'thing.' Of course he doesn't think it's wrong because society has accepted it as normal. Masturbation is normal, but obsession with porn, I'm afraid, is not. Legal or not, it is sinful. I won't get into that aspect unless you want to. But...to look at women the way he is with porn is to treat it as an object or a toy. He is using it for personal satisfaction and entertainment. People play video games for personal satisfaction and entertainment. Obviously, it is disrespectful and demeaning to treat people the same way you would a video game. As far as the masturbation...perhaps he could involve you in this? Does he know how you feel about this? Does he know that you are offended? I didn't handle finding Playboy magazines too gracefully either. I think he has a better understanding of why I was so upset. I also grew to understand that men don't associate sex with love. Needless to say, there is no porn magazines in my home. If he gets on the porn sites, then I don't know it...it's better that way. I honestly believe he isn't...mostly because I want to believe he is respecting my feelings. Talk some more.

Hi, Jaskid!!! Welcome back.

~JC

October 4, 1999
9:42 pm
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Jaskid
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Hi JC,
thanks... and yes I totally agree with you that it is definitely demeaning and disrespectful to do this. Especially to wilson. Wilson, this might have become and addiction with your man. It did with mine and he did not even realize it until is almost ruined our marriage. It has been 3 years and it is not an open wound, but a big scar and he knows how bad it hurt me. See he was not just going on the porn sights, it became so bad that he was chatting with many women and telling them some pretty intimate details about our life, then he was calling those 900#s and they were calling him. I know he knew that what he was doing was very wrong, but I do think he got so caught up in it that his fleshly desires took over his morals, and do to do what is right. He has a hard time even talking about it because he knows how much pain he caused me. God had to bring him to his knees and make him realize that all of these desires of his can be controlled and if he did not control them he was going to lose his family. He is still a very sexual man but he involves me and talks to me more openly about his desires and fantasies. Once in a while doubt creeps up in my mind but I go time him and express what I am feeling and for my sake he will listen and respond even though it's over and done with in his mind. I think he is very embarrassed about the whole thing.
Wilson, don't let this continue! Don't act like, when he is on the computer you do not know what he is doing. He needs to be confronted with his sin and then he can make a decision on what is more important in his life, You or these temporary fixes.

Jaskid

October 4, 1999
9:44 pm
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Jaskid
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Sorry, thats..."I go to him

October 7, 1999
5:42 pm
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syschultz
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Dear Wilson,
I know first hand also about this. What he is doing is some people call it sexual addiction. On a web browser, type in addiction, then sexual and look at what you find......A lot of information.
I first learned about this because I had made advances at my husband but he was not in the mood. So I decided to go shopping but forgot my check book. I walked in the bedroom and found a porn on and his pants off.....Guess he rather do the right hand than me. So I was confused. I thought maybe he was gay, then, I just did not know what to think. He was then logging on the internet as a women and using my younger cousins names....He was chatting. I confronted several times lovingly. But I would get instant anger and then all of a sudden it was my fault that he was doing this because I stress him out too much and that he just does this because he feels like I watch him.....I then thought it was my fault beinge very confused.....I talked to Tez about this alot.....It is on the social issues thread from a long time ago....Anyway, I cut my hair, I started wearing make-up, when we went out,I had bunches of men look at me like I was hot, but after an evening out with my husband and then coming home....he did not think I was hot and would just fall asleep. We had been married less than 6 months and no sex....sometimes I was lucky to get it once a month....He would jack off, and try to hide it in his underwear....He sprayed cologne on his underwear thinking then, that he could disguise everything....WEll the cologne made the hamper stink....on and on and I confronted and still it was my fault, then the last straw was finding a picture of my cousin in which he altered. She was fully dressed in the original picture, but he lightened the chest area of her clothes so that you could make out the outline of her breasts....That was the last straw....I packed his stuff and put it outside and went to bed. He did not leave....I am dissappointed....I did not want to work it out...I was tired of this sexual addiction....Cause it sucks.....So since I had said I do, and we had not tried conselling really seriously, I told him we must go see a counselor. I told him he has to make the appointments because it was his problem. I finally had gotten that this has nothing to do with me. I am okay. He has the problem and he had it long before I met him......WEll he went to one session, but has not made an appointment for more. I got angry the other day because he has not done anything about it and totally blew up. That was wrong...so I am now in a women's support group in which I am going to meet for the first time today and I also am seeing a therapist.
At our first meeting he said.....The sexual addict is more like a obssesive compulsive disorder. He will lie lie lie about everything...Even when the lies are so stupid and you catch him, he will still lie lie lie....My husband loves me. I know this, but men can separate love and sex....so the porn does not make him love me any less....I must detach myself from this lovingly...He gave me an example that my husband has cancer, and he is going through chemo and so I learn to love him and get him through this without taking it personally....The sexual addiction has nothing to do with you......I need the support group because when I start to think about it I get so angry...It eats me up inside to look at this man lying to me about things....and then blaming me. To me if he loves me, he would go get the help....However, he is in denial and it is not up to me to make him go make the appointments...That is what the therapist told me. I have to be the one to set the boundaries.....One day, if he still does not get help and I find I cannot live with this, then I will say good bye. But at least I can say that I had tried everything.....If I had known there was such a thing as sexual addiction before he proposed and married him, I would have told him no.....This gets really tiring and you try not to take it personal, but it is a personal thing....WE go to church so I am hoping that this will help him see the light.....I told him this is one of the conditions for me staying in this marriage is that we have to go to church every week....hopefully, he will begin to develop a relationship with God and help himself....For now, I just wait....

October 7, 1999
6:03 pm
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T
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Its me Wilson (couldn't figure out how to log back on with my name) oh well. Thank you so much for all your information. I am glad I am not the only one who is dealing with this. I have confronted him many times. The other day I did it again and he deleted his hot spots online in front of me. However, that doesn't make me feel any better. I know that soon he is going to propose. What should i do. I love him but hate how he has made me feel. He says it is because I don't initialize the sex. I never have. i don't feel comfortable with it. I want to feel wanted. I guess. Love to talk to you some more about this. E-mail me at [email protected]

November 1, 1999
7:27 am
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eve
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hi wilson,

why on earth would you think YOU are doing something wrong when he is the porn addict?

Don't let him convince you that you are sexually inadequate when he is!

This is a problem for you. And if he tells you that its not his problem then you should get angry and not think he is right, what have I done wrong. Don't let him be stronger than you, just because this is something you maybe don't like to talk about. In a mutual relationship both sides have to contribute to problem solving. To me it sounds like in your relationship you are the one who takes the "i'm doing something wrong"-part all by yourself. Stop it, you will end up unhappy.
Good luck Eve

November 1, 1999
8:35 am
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everblue
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Hi wilson,

I don't know much about porn addiction, but I do know this: Whatever problems you have in the relationship that are difficult to solve now will be even harder to solve after you are married. You may look at it as more or a committment and more reason to improve yourself, but he will look at it as "I got her, now I can quit trying." You may even see things get worse. I know it's so hard to leave, but I urge you to think long and hard about it before you accept his proposal. If he isn't willing to go to counseling or even talk it out kindly with you, he isn't showing you or your relationship the respect they deserve. good luck.

-everblue

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