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I think my mom is co dependant how do i talk to her about this?
September 22, 2003
2:44 pm
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kirlaz
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September 24, 2010
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Ok my mother is a great person, but she has a problem of picking men who are losers that bring her down. She has always had a boyfriend since she was 12 and has never stopped. She has always had a man to be with. Right now she has been dating her current boyfriend for four years and he has done nothing for her he’s an alcoholic and very VERY emotionally abusive towards her. She just cries all the time and never wants to leave the house and yet always wants to be with him. They both work and live together but my mother pays for everything he keeps his paycheck to spend on whatever he wants and gives her nothing she pays for his cell phone the bills the food EVERYTHING. And yet she doesn’t say anything to him all the while she's broke.Everyone around her tells her that she has a problem and she needs to get rid of this destructive person but she wont she only defends him to great lengths. and if I stand up for her when he’s yelling at her it does no good because she has and will once again pick him over her own children she will throw me out before she throws him out. and she believes by moving again that it will improve the relationship, we have moved four times in the past three years and nothing has changed. I just don’t know how to talk to her about this i just want to help her and i dont know how any advise???

September 22, 2003
3:49 pm
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gingerleigh
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Unfortunately, if your mom hasn't listened to advice coming from other caring resources, it's probable that she won't be receptive to hear your feedback. In order for her to fix her situation, she has to first realize that she has a problem, and then WANT to make things better for herself.

So what about you... do you think that any of these traits you have identified as belonging to your mom could apply to you? Is there a way that you can apply your newfound knowledge and research to yourself to make your own life richer and healthier?

Best wishes, kirlaz.

September 22, 2003
5:58 pm
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unhappy camper
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I think you should really try to go out for a coffee with her and ask her to listen to you. Tell her you just want to pass on some knowledge and that you have no intention of changing her life. But ask her to listen to you for a short while with an open mind and just get her started thinking about it. Plant the seed in her mind about co-dependence. I would go through this forum threads and maybe buy a book on it like "Co-Dependent No More" and make some notes. Just give her the highlights and pass on some really good insights and advice. If you read in this forum you will see how at times the good people here will smack us on the side of the head and tell it like it is very bluntly and try to make us see our blindness and stupidity in worshipping these abusers/users.

There are so many great phrases and sentences and paragraphs. You could cut and paste them into word program on the computer if you know how and then print the word document.

There is a treasure trove of goodies here.

If you say that you just want her to see how others in the same situation feel and how they are advised and what the common problems are....it may really surprise her. She may end up thinking and thinking about it and start to feel differently. Hopefully less tolerant, and more resentful.

It's a good project and if you can write a good essay in point form for her with lots of zingers in it, and laugh about it with her, she may buy into it. I would try more than once. I hope after a while she will bring up the subject with you and you can lead her here.

Good luck and it's great that you want to help her.

September 22, 2003
8:24 pm
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gingerleigh
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AH, one other thing... you mention that her boyfriend is an alcoholic. Perhaps you could ask if she would attend an alcoholics anonymous meeting with you?

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