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I think my husband is gay
February 18, 2007
4:25 am
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I believe that a wise lover will work with their mind and their heart and cultivate their enthusiasm for their partner--so that passion can flourish, despite the "ravages of time."

Very nice, WD. I'm putting that in my 'scrapbook'.

February 18, 2007
1:47 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((Reign))),

What you are going through is very difficult.

Regardless of your husband's sexual orientation, there are troubles in your marriage that need attention. Abuse is never acceptable and I hope you have worked through that. It sounds like you are trying to make this marriage work, but he needs to work with you too. If he won't seek help or work with you, then he isn't doing his part to make it happen. Sometimes it is better to be alone than with someone who is hurting you physically or emotionally.

Now for the possibilities of him being gay... transgender and gay are two different things. Transgender people feel they are the opposite sex emotionally but "stuck" in the body of the other sex. Gay is someone who identifies as their physical gender but is attracted to others of the same gender.

That said if your husband is gay or transgender, then he may need support and understanding to feel comfortable confronting reality and working toward resolving the underlying issues of your marriage. Society is a little more accepting of people of various sexual preferences, but there are still so many out there that are hostile and cold that it is often very intimidating to come out of the closet. Many choose to live in denial and follow a double life to the alternative of being who they are and facing societies criticisms.

I would like to share a part of my story, perhaps my experiences will help you see things from a different angle.

My father was gay. He grew up in a family of bigoted homophobes. His brother is active in the KKK and killed his cousin for being gay when they were in their early 20s (never convicted because the official story is that he fell on the train tracks and was hit by a train- no one will touch the case- but small town rumor suggests otherwise). My Dad wasn't able to be who he was. He moved to another state, but was still terrified to be in an open gay relationship. When he was in his mid 30s with no girlfriends or prospects of marriage/kids his brother started to suspect he was gay. My dad met my mother when she was pregnant with me and considering abortion. He married her to save his life and mine- but didn't tell anyone that he was gay.

He had a horribly tormented life where he tried his best to be straight and be a good father/husband while denying who he was. He secretly visited with "friends" and had gay relationships throughout his life. Often I think he denied his homosexuality and even pretended to be a person who was just as bigotted and homophobic as his brother. His double life left him often angry, bitter, resentful and full of self hate. I tried my best to support him for who he was, but he was never able to accept it himself.

After 16 years of marriage, with both parents having drug/alcohol issues, violent abuse and constant marital problems, they divorced. She found out he was gay after the divorce. She left because she found someone else. Once she was gone he was a little more open about his preferences, but still reluctant to let anyone outside of the gay community in on his secret. The only reason I knew was becuase I still lived with him. We were best friends and I was more like a platonic wife than a daughter.

After I went to college he had several male "roommates" and was finally able to live life half way out of the closet. I had never seen him happier. He died 11 years ago without ever having the chance to be accepted for who he really was. My mother and I were the only 2 family that knew him until after his death- even then it was only because I invited all his gay friends to the funeral in the town he lived in. We had a second funeral in the town he grew up in for his parents and the people he grew up with.

I don't know if this story helps but I hope you are able to resolve these questions and issues with the least amount of heartache.

Hugs,
Chelonia

February 20, 2007
11:31 pm
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NAZZDACK
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"NazzDack i wouldn't consider myself a quitter. I confronted him with what i found 3 days before i made my original post. He totally denied it despite the fact that i have the proof. He has been violent in past and i had to have him arrested once a few years ago. So once he started getting angry at my inquiry into his new thing, i decided to drop the subject. I don't need to be beaten to a pulp to have him acknowledge that he is frequenting these websites."

So his violence was not your main concern in the relationship, just he is watching tranny porn and is not physically intimate with you therefore he is gay? Living with someone who is violent towards me would be the deal breaker, not the lack of sex.
I'm not going to accuse you of trying to make your husband out to be a monster while you portray yourself as a angel, but it's hard for me to swallow any story where the complainer has not owned up to ANY deficiencies within the relationship. My personal wishes here is that no one would encourage this person to break up their family since IMHO, I believe they both owe it to their children to work through this.
I’m going to be honest here and you probably will not like it, but I would not be physically intimate with my wife if she became obese. Like your husband I would not leave you for the sake of their children, but I also would not make love to someone who couldn’t find the mental discipline to consume fewer calories per day than what they normally burn. Does he cheat on you? Beat the children? Is not a good provider? Is he an unemployed nonproductive loser that is a liability to the children?
The tranny porn in my opinion is just a fetish. What if he was just watching normal porn, what would be your excuse to break up the family?
So my best advice is not to try and embarrass this guy with what could just be a silly temporarily fetish with tranny porn, but focus more on the real issues in this relationship IF you can take criticism yourself. Or is your plan just to punish him with taking away with kids and income?

February 24, 2007
2:28 am
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toorainbow
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Reign,
I don't know that this is the case for you, but it sure was an eye-opener for me. I have a partner who I thought was straight for the very same reasons you describe. As it turns out, she is a porn addict. The following link is a good place to get information. Take a look and see if it fits. There are surveys for porn or sex addicts to take to see if they have a problem. I took it for her and answered yes to eight of eleven questions only because I wasn't inside her head to answer the other three.
http://www.protectkids.com/eff.....iction.htm
Either way, we're here for you.
Hugs! Toorainbow

February 24, 2007
3:56 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Nazzdack.

You wrote:

"I'm not going to accuse you of trying to make your husband out to be a monster while you portray yourself as a angel, but it's hard for me to swallow any story where the complainer has not owned up to ANY deficiencies within the relationship."

You kind of contradict yourself in one sentence there.

First, we ought not to expect a person to describe the fullness of an entire relationship in just a few posts--that can take years to accomplish.

Next, there are certain types of relationships where the absolute alarm bell is when a person tries to own up to "their deficiencies" in the relationship.

Particularly in abusive relationships.

Once an abusive relationship has been diagnosed, a responsible witness will make sure that there is NO discussion of the victim's "deficiencies" in that relationship.

In an abusive relationship, THE issue is abuse.

It's as simple as that.

February 24, 2007
1:49 pm
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shyshy
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Reign: I was married to a gay man for 15 years. I knew about his "past" life before I married him though. He said he didn't want to live that life anymore and he loved me and wanted to marry me. Well, after 7 years he started acting out outside of the marriage with men. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he was going through changes etc. Well, 8 years later and God knows how many men, I finally gave up.

He's living with a man now and in the lifestyle. He married me thinking that eventually God would change him. While I don't doubt that he loved me, I really think he just loved me like a sister or a friend.

Now, You haven't been intimate in how long?? Seems like an awfully long time since we would only go for at the most three weeks. It never went over that and when it got to that point that's when I'd know he was acting out. He would go for months being "ok" and then when it got to the point where it would be two weeks without him initiating any intimacy I'd start to worry. At three weeks I would ask questions and he would always confess.

I can't believe you have gone for as long as you have without any intimacy!! I would have left after a few months!!

February 24, 2007
7:05 pm
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NAZZDACK
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WD

"You kind of contradict yourself in one sentence there."

No,what is needed is more information, otherwise no mixed message is needed, I'll paint the OP as complete BS rather than given a benefit of doubt as I'm trying to do right now. Should I simply myself even more to you, or do you still remain confused?

"First, we ought not to expect a person to describe the fullness of an entire relationship in just a few posts--that can take years to accomplish."

Isn't this a bunch of BS. Seems way to many people on here are more than ready to brand the husband an abuser and to call for the break up of this family based upon a short post. Shouldn't you be calling them out equally? At least I'm asking for more info before justfiying breaking up family. I'm such a f--king animal huh?

"Next, there are certain types of relationships where the absolute alarm bell is when a person tries to own up to "their deficiencies" in the relationship.

Particularly in abusive relationships.

Once an abusive relationship has been diagnosed, a responsible witness will make sure that there is NO discussion of the victim's "deficiencies" in that relationship.

In an abusive relationship, THE issue is abuse.

It's as simple as that. "

So much for the husbands POV in this attempting to shield the OP from revealing anything other than the husbands shortcomings. You've branded the husband an abuser and some drug store psychology book probably told you it's okay to do so with limited biased info. Your whole arguement basically stands upon the word of the OP with no facts yet somehow you have the gall to say "you are right and i am wrong?" Amazing...

God forbid the husband is not the monster you people have branded him to be and these children are raised without their father becuase of the support from a anti-family board.

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