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I think my husband is gay
February 14, 2007
5:36 pm
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Reign
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Recently i discovered my husband of 11 years has been frequenting tranny porn sites. he even purchased a subscription to one. he pretends to be homophobic, but now i think that is a farce. We haven't been intimate in 4 years. At first he claimed it was that he was having a "problem". then he claimed that i had gained too much weight with our last daughter. I think i don't have the equipment he desires. I am totally shocked. and i haven't decided what to do yet, or what to say to our daughters or our families. Talk about getting the air knocked out of you.

February 14, 2007
6:10 pm
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red blonde
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I don't know what to tell you, after your saying that he purchased a subscription to one tranny site. Is that a trans-sexual or transvestite site? If it was just porn, I would say he has a porn addiction which is becoming VERY common these days, and he is curious. But even that is bad, because you really cannot fight a 'fantasy' or and 'addiction'. My XSO had a really bad porn addiction, looked at all kinds of disgusting things, read alot about incest with a mother/son or sister/brother, and I guess he may have even looked at the other sites you mentioned. That is one of the reasons we are no longer together. Do you think he would go into counseling?

February 14, 2007
7:34 pm
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Robert123
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Now you know Reign. Take care of yourself as you go thru this. His actions speak volumes.

February 14, 2007
7:49 pm
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turnabout
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You've discovered the porn site subscription and are worried about what to tell your daughters and families, but have you confronted him about it yet?

February 14, 2007
9:35 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I'm not sure you ought to say anything to anyone yet except to your husband and maybe your therapist.

February 14, 2007
9:35 pm
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gracenotes
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Reign,

I am not sure of the term "tranny." Is this transvestite or transgender? Neither of these terms is necessarily gay. If it is transvertite, this is something that heterosexual men will do, its labeled a fetish. This refers more to someone who dresses up like the other sex. If its transgender, that refers to someone who thinks he really is someone of another sex, i.e. thinks he is a woman in a man's body. Maybe it would help to understand what he is looking at with this porn and what exactly is going on. I wouldn't assume he is gay.

February 14, 2007
9:37 pm
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gracenotes
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Sorry, the line should have read: If it's transvestite, this is something that hetereosexual men will do.

February 14, 2007
9:38 pm
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veggiemom
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hi Reign,
Just my opinion but I don't think that just frequenting the tranny porn sites necessarily means he is gay.

On the other hand, I just finished divorcing my husband of almost 13 years, who, I came to find out after we separated, is gay.

He too implied the reason we had sex only ONCE in the final 4 years was because I had gained too much weight.

In the beginning of our relationship, I had inklings that he might be gay; he is not traditionally "masculine", is extremely gentle, and was always very aware and commenting on "girl" things like clothing and makeup that men don't normally even notice, really.

But I asked him, and he said "NO!" like I was nuts and I loved him, so I trusted him, I married him and had 2 kids with him. Now I am kicking myself.

Anyway, if you truly think this, and maybe there are other signs as well, you definitely need to confront him before you do anything else. You need to know for sure.

I know how you must feel. Believe me. I still feel angry and betrayed, so pissed that he took all those years of my life and that I had children with him!!! That he knew this and didn't let me in on it, give me the option to get out. Not that i don't love those kids more than anything, but I NEVER would have entered into the marriage and had kids with this man had I known. I am sure you know exactly what I mean.

Hugs to you..keep posting. I have been there and would love to help you get through this if you need it...

February 14, 2007
10:36 pm
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Loralei
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I've known 3 men who were attracted to trannys. All 3 were bisexual. However, they all enjoyed sex with their wives, too. If your husband still enjoyed intimacy with you, I'd guess that he was probably bi. But if you haven't been intimate in 4 years, now that's an entirely different matter.

Does he do anything sexual with you? If he were impotent, he could still pleasure you and love on you. If he does none of that, either he has totally lost interest in you and/or he is probably gay. You deserve to have a love life. Ditch the guy.

February 15, 2007
8:36 am
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Anonymous
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good advice Loralei. 🙂

February 15, 2007
11:39 am
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StronginHim77
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When your husband stops having sex with you, it can mean he is having sex elsewhere. A porn addiction can mean he is masturbating and turning to a "fantasy world" as his sexual outlet, rather than you (reality). If he is bi or gay, you deserve to know. Hire a private investigator, if you can afford it. Otherwise, just confront him and tell him, it's time for counseling or the marriage is over. If he agrees to counseling, you may have hopes of salvaging something. If he refuses, you have your answer.

- Ma Strong

February 15, 2007
5:33 pm
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NAZZDACK
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IMHO, I depise even the suggestion of divorce since this issue has not even presented to the husband. I'm fed up with quitters, so I hope that you sit him down and discuss everything with one another. Ask him why he does not wish to make love to you. You two should be working to please each other, which means if you are overweight, it's not that horrible to go on a diet and exercise. Just as porn can be mentally addicting, so can bad eating habits and the drive to exercise.

I think the both of you have things to work on that in the end could help this marriage, or at least go down fighting to save it..

February 15, 2007
7:58 pm
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doubleloss
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hi reign. talk to your husband. suggest counseling, therapy, and don't leave any stone unturned. I know a few gay men (some married) and some had such a hard time accepting themselves that were able to fool everyone including themselves. If he's gay, i hope he comes out for everyone's sake, so that you can move in with your life. Lack of intimacy, internet porn, gay or not it's not a good scenario. I wish that you two can have an honest conversation and start solving things. Otherwise, are things OK? I feel for you and i hope you get the strenght and wisdom to deal with what's going on in your life. Talk, talk and talk, nothing...Ma Strong's suggestion of a PI might be a good thing. hope it doesn't get to that. all the best

February 15, 2007
8:45 pm
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gracenotes
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I am having a difficult time following the posts on this thread. The author stated she thought her husband was gay because he visits "tranny" websites. I posed the question yesterday -- what is this, and, not getting a response, today decided to look this up.

Here's how it is defined in Wikipedia:

"A perjorative term for a transgender person."

So, looking up transgender, I found this definition:

Transgender (IPA: [tʰɹænz'dʒɛndɚ], from trans (Latin) and gender (English) ) is a general term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies that diverge from the normative gender role (woman or man) commonly, but not always, assigned at birth, as well as the role traditionally held by society.

Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as male, female, both or neither) not matching one's "assigned gender" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). Transgender does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation (transgender people may identify as queer, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual or asexual.)

I claim no authority on this subject, my interest was just piqued and I remembered some classes I took a long time ago and some of this does not make a lot of sense and it seems a lot of assumptions are being made.

Nevertheless, there certainly is a need for communication between both partners in this marriage and counseling would certainly be helpful and I can certainly empathatize with the pain of wondering if one's partner is gay from personal experience.

February 16, 2007
12:01 am
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Loralei
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gracenotes,

The guys I knew referred to trannys as a chick with a dick. In other words, trannys were born male but have since taken hormones to become more feminine, had boob jobs, and dress like a woman. The men I knew considered them the best of both worlds because they got all the body parts they enjoyed in one person. These men preferred the soft feminine form but liked all the advantages that a dick could provide. Hope that helps.

February 16, 2007
7:16 am
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Reign
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I would like to thank you all for your responses. I didn't get a chance to post any responses yesterday. My baby turned six ( well she's my baby) and my day was busy entertaining a mass of happily screaming boys and girls.

Loralei, thank you for your support and you hit the nail on the head with your response to GraceNotes. A tranny is a chick with a dick, or a dude with tits.

Doubleloss i think your advice is good and it is something i will look into. Thank you.

NazzDack i wouldn't consider myself a quitter. I confronted him with what i found 3 days before i made my original post. He totally denied it despite the fact that i have the proof. He has been violent in past and i had to have him arrested once a few years ago. So once he started getting angry at my inquiry into his new thing, i decided to drop the subject. I don't need to be beaten to a pulp to have him acknowledge that he is frequenting these websites.

Stronginhim77 thank you.

VeggieMom i feel completely lost and i feel for you too.

Worried dad as i said earlier, i did mention it to him.

Robert123 and Red blonde thank you both but i think he'd rather gargle with drano than go to counseling.

It is not that i want to cut and run out of my marriage. We have 2 children together. But is this situation fair to any of us? If i had known about this in the begining i could have decided if this is the life i want for myself. I feel as though he has been lying to me for all this time. We have been married 11 years and together 14. Thats a lot of time. Time that I cannot get back.

February 16, 2007
7:32 am
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thedogsmom
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wow, what a shocker that must be to have found what sites he was looking at ...and to then suspect he is gay.
If that's the truth...there's no better time to find out about it. In other words. you seem to be thinking that maybe you 'wasted' your time with a gay man... but you shouldn't look at it as time wasted.
First and foremost you need to confront him right away. I myself wasted much time confronting my husband when things changed at home.( I suspected he may be having an affair..or gay..or that he was doing drugs) Turns out he is doing drugs ..but I let MUCH time go by in sort of denial...because I guess I was afraid of the truth.
The truth in the end is what really sets you free.
I wouldn't look at your life and time with him as a 'waste' of your time. Obviously you had the joy of meeting this man...the happiness of building the relationship, getting married and having two wonderful children. It sounds like you have some problems IF you haven't slept with him in 4 years... that intimacy was lost somehow.
Your suspicions may turn out to be true. His lies and deciept were not fair to you, however maybe it took him this long to really figure it out himself. And he likely is not real comfortable with it. It is NOT an easy discovery and NOT easy to share with someone you have loved and taken vows with. I know a few gay men ..who have done the same thing. They wanted to fit into society and they truly did like women. They tried to make it work..but in the end IF you are gay I do believe it IS NOT a choice. You must still have some love for this man as you have stayed in the relationship. Try to reach out to him letting him know that no matter what he says that you will love him (if that is true for you) and support him , but that it is NOT fair to you and NOT fair to him either to live a false life. I know it is hard as you found out only recently...but find the courage..even if you have to go to a counseler by yourself and for yourself to speak up and confront the issue. THen take it one step at a time as to your next move to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Try not to look at it (hard as it may be) as an INTENTIONAL LIE or slap in your face. If he is gay or a tranny he is likely suffering much already.
TDM

February 16, 2007
7:44 am
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doubledilemma
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Reign,

Don't be so hard on yourself. You may not have know about it earlier, because he did not know about it earlier. That is because one's sexual proclivities don't always come out until later. Or because it is there, but just waiting for something to trigger it. One's tastes change and sometimes life events force us to make dramatic changes.

I am not sure how you are going to handle it, if your safety is going to be jeopardised if you broach the subject again. It sounds like you do need respite from all this huge burden and I don't know how long you are going to be able to tolerate this state of affairs before your mental health is jeopardised and your children will suffer. I suggest that if it becomes really intolerable, that you first contact your community mental health team. I hope there are community mental health workers out there who can help in your area. Perhaps your family physician might be a first port of call.

I don't honestly think that a lack of wanting to go to counseling is necessarily the right thing to do as far as a sole reason for terminating the marriage. He may be suffering from a psychosis, or other mental disorder which means he has no idea that his behaviour is deviant or unusual. To him, he can justify it or rationalise it in some way, even if he is embarrassed about it. If he is violent, the police are only going to be interested in the safety of you and your children, not in him.

In other words, he may need to be assessed for his mental state.

Please have a look at the "Exposing Psychopaths and Cyberpaths" website. They may have some useful advice, or can refer you to somewhere that does in your state.

I hope this has some shred of helpful advice.

Thinking of you

((D_D))

February 16, 2007
2:18 pm
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gracenotes
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Reign,

Speaking from experience of having been involved with a guy who revealed himself later on as gay, not a tranny though, it seems to me that they want it all at the expense of others. They want the convenience of a wife/girlfriend and a home, married life/living together, possibly children, and they also want to be able to mess around with whatever turns them on.

And, of course, if you were having sex with him, then you would have been potentially exposed to all kinds of diseases that run rampant in that population, specifically HIV/AIDS. So, maybe it is a mixed blessing that you have not had sex with him for a long period of time just because of this potential.

Its really a selfish thing on his part, and very selfish he did not tell you before. He must really either be in la la land or an outright deceiver. I am truly sorry you are experiencing this. I hope you can get out of this. Makes me angry to think you are going through this, probably because I have been there. He, by the way, was my "n" fiance when I was in my 20's.

February 16, 2007
2:30 pm
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student1
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I would just get rid of my computor or put in an area that makes it difficult for him. Porn addiction may stem off drug addiction. That is something you should be aware of.
I don't think that he is gay though. It seems to be almost a fad these days to have sexual fantasies about the same sex.
He needs to face the music, and let you know what is going on. Confront him.

February 16, 2007
4:18 pm
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tracylyn
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Reign ~

Have you talked to your husband about this? If you are able to talk to him then I'd suggest an open and very honest - NON CONFRONTATIONAL discussion about his sexuality. He won't openly discuss this if he feels he has to defend his actions.

Obviously since this is your husband, you care for him, find that love for him and talk to him as a true friend and partner.

If he is gay, it's not something he can "change" or go to counceling for. You both however, can come to a decision about how to handle this and WHO you share the information with. You also have to do what's best for you in coming to terms with this if it is in fact true. Talk to someone that can help you explore those range of emotion you'll feel from this.

If anything...perhaps take comfort in knowing that it was not anything about you that turned him from sexual intimacy with you.

t

February 17, 2007
8:12 pm
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Reign
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I haven't decided what to do yet. Its been a very difficult week. When i don't think about it, i can function quite normally. But when i do think about it, i feel like i'm falling apart.

February 17, 2007
10:37 pm
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Hi Reign,

My favorite sex advice guy is Dan Savage and this question reminds me of him for some reason. 🙂

One point that Dan makes again and again (and is proven right on again and again) is that men and women can have fantasies that really bear no resemblance to how they would really behave, even if given a chance. So your husbands' tranny porn trip really only reveals part of his fantasy life, not his sexual orientation per-se.

Not to say that he isn't both gay and kinky, but the porn site doesn't prove it.

I am only slightly interested in the question of "is he gay" because closeted gay men who are married to women are prone to cheat--with men, and you can't assume they are using protection, which places the wife at risk for contracting a variety of sexually transmitted diseases--Like HIV. Maybe it's a good thing that you haven't had sex in four years.

February 17, 2007
10:54 pm
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Hi Reign,

Moving right along....

My ears always perk up when I hear about a couple who has not had sex for a long time. Most of the time, I think that is a big deal, a huge sign of...something.

There are people who are...not fully developed as loving, sexual beings and they can be thrown for a full loop by their partner's changing appearance. I've heard the weight gain excuse used by both men and women.

Here is my take on the "my partner has gained weight and I'm no longer attracted" story. We are only human. I think it is ok to be be ourselves, and we are attracted to whatever it is attracts us. So a person in a committed relationship committed who wants their partner to be attracted to them would be wise, and maybe even has some responsibility to try to be attractive to their partner.

On the other hand, it is reasonable to want our partner's enthusiasm for loving us to not depend entirely on our physical appearance. Everyone changes. It's the way of all flesh.

I believe that a wise lover will work with their mind and their heart and cultivate their enthusiasm for their partner--so that passion can flourish, despite the "ravages of time."

And I that mature people have always known about that little bit of love wisdom.

And I don't think it's cosmic wisdom or anything--just folksy common sense that has helped lots of couples to hang together for a zillion years.

February 17, 2007
11:22 pm
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Hi Reign,

Closing in on the nitty gritty.

I think most of us have met couples that were really into each other even if one or both of them did not have "supermodel good looks." My parents and grandparents come to mind. And many others.

I believe that when you are into someone, and the relationship stays good, then intimacy and passion will usually persist--it may change, but it will still be there.

THEREFORE: I believe that the "We haven't been having sex for x years because my partner gained weight" is sometimes a sign of shallowness and by one partner.

I believe that more often, it is a fib, a lie, a deception, and a sign of more fundamental problems.

I think it most often means that the witholding partner is not in love.

Or worse, that the witholding partner is trying to punish or hurt the deprived partner.

Witholding can be used as a means of abuse.

See Patricia Evans' books.

I've seen some pretty abusive relationships where the number one, elephant in the living room clue was a years-long pattern of sexual witholding.

And lying about the reasons. And finding satisfaction outside the marriage.

And then you also report a history of physical abuse in your relationship.

Alarm bells go off Ding ding ding!

I suggest that you study your situation not so much as a case of sexual incompatibility---consider that you may be in an abusive relationship with sexually abusive aspects.

Just a suggestion.

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