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i think imight be codependant
September 13, 2005
11:57 am
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Mariko
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September 24, 2010
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i am a 21 year old girl. my lovelife has always been haunted by failures, misues, and abuse. ive done some real thinking and i can honestly say that there has never been one single lover i have had who has truly loved me.

the largest relationship in my life so far was with my fiance, a 3o year old male to female transexual who lived in NYC, i lived a distance away in new england, but we saw each other regularly enough. this relationship is what i beleived started my codependent tendencies, because my ex fiance was a very needy person.. he needed me to be the center of his world, so he made me as codependant on him as he was on me. trouble was that he wasnt in love wiht me, more like he was in love wiht the me he thought he could change me into. i am abig girl, have never been skinny, and my weight was one of his majhor problems wiht me. (even though he had known since we first emt in person i was big) and so, in a manner he had done many times before, instead of breaking up wiht me, he became emotionally abusive,. he would belittle me to his friends, embarrass me... tell me how much better id be if i just tried to lose weight... made it seem like i owed it to himt to become skinny for him.. and when it became apparent that i wasnt going to change for him, he started seeng another woman. i asked him soecifially about hsi woman, and he lied and said nothing was going on. he even coerced me, knowing i was still emotionally destraguht, to attending an animation convention wiht him, ensuring me that his new gf wouldnt be there. he lied and there she was. i was heartbroken and tormented, but i stayed becuase i was presenting a workshop at the con. finally i snapped and we got into an argument at a reataurant, i fled the convention late that night and we ensued in a bitter period of forced friendship... this was april 2004..

i was devastated becuase not only did i lose him, but the life i planned to lead when i got out of college andm moved to nyc to marryhim and be wiht him.. i felt so alone and used and awful,. and he remained in my life under the guise of wanting to be my frined, but really he just wanted to heurt me and tear me apart. im a good natured person and i just dont know when to say no and get away.. which leads me to ym current state of affairs...

in may of 2004 i met another male to femal transexual online. her name here will be hiroka. She was from kansas and i met her through a livejournal group. i really liked her and it was good to have someone to talk to again. i would tlak to my ex everyday on the phone so when he left there was a big hole in my life and hiroka more or less filled it. we chatted online and on the phone and over webcam. chemicals started to flow and i asked her if she wanted to be my gf. i beleive in LD relationships only if they will eventually bring the two people together so i was up for it. she refused, saying she had no plans to leave kansas. this was in summer of 2oo4. still we lept talking and once more we grew close. in september of 2004 she told me she loved me like a wife and she wanted to be wiht me. i was elated becuase i really got on wiht her well and really wanted her to be my gf. but this was short lived. she called me and told me she wanted to break it off. said she was worried she was only using me, that her feelings really hadnt chnged. i was upset. i was heart broken. but she still stuck around in my life.

so once again over the holiday season feelings started to grow. we got closer. tlaked about things. there has been a viscious cycle here. hiroka pushed me away, shed bting me closer, we';d be together briefly, then shed end it.

in may of 2005 i wanted to meet her, so i nearly maxed out my credot card to buy her a plan ticket and paid for a hotel for her toomr and visit me. i did it because she said she couldnt make a solid decision about ebing iht me until she had met me. nether could i.

but the period leading up to her trip had been disastrous. we faught.., she was always so unstablein how she felt., one day she wanted to go the next day she was telling people she was ervous,, she didnt think much of me... i as at my wits end when she told one of her friends she didnt know she was going to get on the plane.. i eman how care she after i had spent all that money for her to go! she claims she was amd i bought the tickets for her when i recall asking her time and again if she was sure i should biy them.

the actual visit was ok for the most part. we hit it off reallty well and ended up having sex in the first ngiht. but after we did it, she reasserted she didnt loveme and i felt empty used and stupid, and she went into a self haitng melt down mood. ipulled her out fo it but it did mar the trip.

i really thoguht that she liked me, maybe even loved me wheshe left. but she told me it was most liekly just her being happy to get out of kansas,. knwoing that was like a lead weight.. i lost my euphoria and i no longer felt special.

she asked me if i could make arrangements for her to come out there and get started on a life. i said ofcourse and propositioned some frineds who had just lost a room mate. hiroka would stay in theor living room for a great rent price.. i thought all was well.. helped my friends clen up and arrange a place for her to sleep.. the day she was supposed to buy her ticket out she changed her mind. my friends were pissed and retracted their offer, banning her for her indecision.

we faught a lot after this, asi was very resentful as she once again had to bring up out of the blue that she didnt love me. im sick ofher saying it to me, like it isnt apparent enough in everything else,., she doesnt love me but has no problem taking my stiff or things love has to give..

the cycle continued and she grew closer to mer again, now saying she wanted to come agaihn..and i made a rrangements wiht my bst friend. everything was good until yesterday, when she tells me "oh im apllying for a job that will take me to las angelos" and i am like what the hell i thought you were coming out here?

i flippedout on her. its as if she thinkns the world revolves around her and that we can all just drop our lived and put things on hold for hiroka..

i went to an abandoned parking lot and screamed in my car.. i cried and yelled and swore.. i cannot confront her wihtmyemotions becuase when i fdo i am the bad guy. im the one whose the wet blanket stopping her fun..

i feel as thoguht she needs to be accountable for her promises. she wants me to trust her and do thingsfor her and she wants me to let her livie wiht me when i move out.. but she never does anything to back it up..

so now here i sit, frustrated as anything.. i wonder in mylife if i am crazy or just the victim of bad people.

i tried looking to my friends for advice, but they are all like.. leave her dont tlak to her anymore.. like its just that easy.. can the heroine user just put down the needle? people in the world dont want to hear about me getting hurt by hiroka.. so since i cannot afford or get counselling this is my l;ast refuge..

im waiting to hear what exactly is oging on fron her.. is she comong out here like shes supposed to or is she abandoning me?

im not sure how to handle the situation. part of me wants to yell.. part of me wants to let her go off without me. part of me is sad.. part of me wants her in ly ife becuase aside from thiscrap i do so like her.. part of me just wants to be happy..

sometimes i feel like i wish i had someoen in the area but i cant find a way to meet anyone,, my social windows are limited.. i feel like im trappedd in a box.. i can see ways out but theres this thick glass there..

it wears a lot on my elf esteem becuase i haev never been given a concrete reason why hiroka doesnt love me. wjhen you ask her she just says she doesnt and refuses to give a reason, im an awesome person but sociaty says im fat, and a lot of people have issues wiht that..

so that s my past and present.. i just need help wiht my future. what should i do? and in leui of sayin i should leave suggesthow i can break myself of the habit of tlking to her everyday..

September 13, 2005
1:25 pm
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kathygy
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September 30, 2010
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I think the most helpful thing to do is to accept the reality that this person does not love you and never did. She used you over and over and over again, She took advantage of your feelings for her time and time again. You have nothing to gain in talking to her, she is offering you nothing and will only keep you hooked. You have to take the step to break the habit as you call it. If you can not do that I think a therapist would be very helpful because as it is you have a very low self-esteem and do not value yourself at all. You do not realize how destructive this person is for you and that you deserve to be loved and valued. You need to raise your expectations on what you deserve and how you are treated.

You have the right to end destructive relationships and you have the right to grow into to loving yourself and valuing yourself. But you need to get rid of this person who only uses you to feel better. You can do it.

love,
kathy

September 13, 2005
2:28 pm
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taj64
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Hi. You're still very young. Just learning to be an adult. There is plenty of time to find a mature love and a love that is right. So you have not found the the true love just yet. This is a time for you to discover yourself. Try reading a book called Codendency No More by Melody Beattie. Also treat yourself better. Learn to love yourself. This other girl doesn't treat you well. And you deserve love and respect. You learned an important lesson. And this is a good place to talk out your feelings in a safe anonymous way. Stay strong.

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