Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
I think im marring a co dependent
December 14, 2003
6:54 am
Avatar
mimi77
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think im marring a co-dependedent, wich shouldn't be to supprising since my mom is a co-dependent and my dad is an alcoholic. the thing is his constant prefectionism,and mopping is driving me up the wall. To day at the mall I got so mad at him because he want to buy christmas presents that I know he can't afford for me and his mom, than I yelled at him in the car. latter he went to bed and cried(since when dose a growen man cry when he getts yelled at)then I spent the next hour tring to comfort him. I feel realy bad for making him cry but, he won't talk to me about any thing negitive.I'm a person who would rather yell and get my feelings out rather than mope about. I can't stand mopping because when he dose it I start to feel insecure,(wich is silly because I know I shouldnt let his behaviour affect mine)bun then I think he is mad at me. He always says that he'll never be mad at me but I know that sometimes he is. but when he mopes I'm left wondering if its me or somting elese. I also find I have to becareful not to take advantage of him and to worry about his needs sometimes because he works so hard to please me and won't tell me what he needs. he always says that he dosen't mater but he dose. to make maters wores I have a tendency to run over everybody, I'm usualy the first to brodcast my oppion to every one in the room and I usualy always get my own way all the time. I don't mean to be selfish or controling(i would rather not be in control of anything and usualy avoid it so I don't have to worry about it)but nobody in my famaly ever wants to speak up. I ask them what they want to do but they always say Oh it dosen't matter....So I'm always the one who makes the finnal dicitions. Maybe my whole famaly is codependent, any ways I would like to have some good advice with deeling with codependens because the only thing I have come up with so far is to forcfully draw there thoughts and feelings out of them, but that is not nice or very productive I wish I could find some better ways to get him/them to open up to me more and tell me what they need, instead of having me guess. Any thing would help because I'm becoming very frustrated with the people I love

December 14, 2003
6:59 am
Avatar
mimi77
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ps I don't mean to sound overbering to everybody,or mean but I'm becoming flusterd and when I become flustered I say anything now that i'v had a chance to cool off I want to appoligized if any one find this post ofencive.

December 14, 2003
11:55 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mimi,

Perhaps you both need to consider pre-marital counseling to see if this is a relationship that will really work for both of you. Remember, you can not change him; and if you are already this frustrated, it does not get easier just because you got married.

Love,

Zinnie

December 14, 2003
12:56 pm
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How has he become like that? What is his family history? He is extremely sensitive...like me. LOL

Please give him a book like "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie to read. Tell him he is not a bad person....just "too good" sort of.

I hope he will seek counseling and find his courage and peace. Getting him into counseling will be the nicest thing you can do for him.

December 14, 2003
1:41 pm
Avatar
Anam Cara
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 19
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mimi77

Your problem is dear to my heart - for I have been like him for the past 15 years married to I think a person similar to you.

My knee jerk advise is chuck him back in a river where there is no fish eating pike! Oh yes - I think poor sod to have met you and fell in love.

I do not mean to be personal for I do actually emphasise with your problem.

What to do? Well please for both your sakes don't marry him - for you are in for a very unhappy life together.

Having lived on my own now for the last year - coped finally with the separation. Perhaps I would be far more a match for her now?

But love her - I do still ! She has really caused me much grief and almost bankrupted me trying as I did to make her life as she wanted and demanded.

I see her once or twice a week and she takes a cut at me still - but I have a better defence now - go home on my own. And ignore her spiteful character. To others she is a really loving person.

She has deeply hurt me - so if you see what he is like now things will not get better - you will lose respect for him and this is a very painful emotion.

One personal thing I wish to asked you - could you live with a man who stands up and fights with you toe to toe on important issues?

This was my second marriage- lost my first wife with cancer after 32 happy successful years.

So the good news is - there is someone out there for him - someone for you!

Love. Anam.

December 14, 2003
4:05 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mimi, forcing codependents (or anyone, really) to put their feelings out there won't work. It only hurts all involved. I'm sure you realize this.

It sounds from your post that you also have some work to do to be a good partner for your husband to be, or else what you'll be creating is the stereotypical overbearing wife with the rolling pin and the unassuming meek "yes dear" husband. Is that really what you want?

May I suggest a book? It's called "Relationship Rescue", Phil McGraw. (Yeah, it's the annoying dude from the Oprah show). This book doesn't talk about codependency or any psychology mumbo jumbo. It gets you to look first and foremost at yourself as a partner. Worry about yourself first, the rest will fall into place.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
53 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 110882

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38534

Posts: 714189

Newest Members:

SpencerJeole, Danielnit, matyushaDazy, mashuraDazy, nancykr16, kimzn11

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer