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I think I'm going crazy
April 26, 2001
5:07 pm
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water
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It's been a while since I had my nervous breakdown. Slowly but surely I was building my life, but then this week everything seems to be collapsing. I get really uncomfortable around people. I was getting along with my coworkers fine, but then this week I think they were talking about me and I just crumbled. I think that I started acting really weird around them, really insecure. I do this thing where I'm really nice then I push people away. Anyways, so I get uncomfortable around my coworkers and I used to not, so now I think they don't like me. This makes me feel so down, because I know it's because of me. I think I make them feel uncomfortable as well.

April 26, 2001
8:13 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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I never got along well either with anyone, cause i was not brought up to get along only to obey and let people hurt me and etc.

Then one day I said to myself, screw these people and the society i live in and if people don't like me well there loss not mine!

People, generally cliques of females are the worst and if you are thin and/or pretty they will eat you alive if you let them!

Sad but this is reality and if we are different and it shows then its even worse, the only thing that can save i believe is self esteem from GOD to overcome most idiots out there.

Blessings to all:)
Kimberly

April 26, 2001
9:16 pm
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water
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Kimberly Anne,
I did the same exact thing. I was a really good kid, and then I had a really bad experience and I thought the same way, I totally lived by what you said, and I did, I totally didn't care if people liked me or not, but inside it just ruined me. Funny, but yeah I have found God, but still I'm so insecure. I think I really rely on what people think of me. I feel like a walking contradiction. I always feel like how the person sees me is who I am. That's why I was so nice to everyone before I got hurt. and now my first reaction to meeting people is nice, but then I don't trust them and then if I feel like they don't like me, I just drop them. and then I feel really guilty. It's still really hard, but it was so encouraging to read your message. -- water --

April 27, 2001
7:34 am
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janes
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God doesn't want yo to be insecure. You are His creation and he doesn't make junk.

You are placing to much importance on earthly things...like what others thik of you. Live by God's laws...treat others how you would like to be treated, don't lie etc. and find a Pasotr to talk to.

Also read up on codependency....

April 27, 2001
9:30 am
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Kimberly Anne
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Water,

thank you:)

It is not easy to do but as you practice it and not give others so much power over you, it does get easier over time, and i hope it does for you.

God knows that we are human and i do not believe that GOD expects us to be perfect, cause we aren't!

I have trust issues too and believe me people need to earn this from you and you and i, and everyone else has to remember that others are human as well and will disappoint us.

However, I do believe that if people are talking behind your back and make you feel as if your less than human then the problem is not you, it is them and you must cut yourself from them, or else you will allow yourself to be hurt.

Its not easy, esp if they are your family, but dose that give them the right to hurt you? Would GOD want us to be hurt and destroyed by the very people who CLAIM they love us? I think not:)

I would search out people who love you as you are, and to be honest here, many people are not able and/or not willing to do this. If you find one or two healthy good friends to depend on, who are there 24/7 with no strings attached considered yourself blessed.

That is why i only have one or two friends, the rest are simply acquaintances at best, cause I must guard my heart of hearts and not be a victim of abuse any longer.

Blessings to you:)
Kimberly

April 27, 2001
4:54 pm
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water
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Kimberly,
I went to a counseling session today, and my couselor said that there might be something wrong with the chemicals in my brain. I'm going to look up a psychiatrist that he recommended. I'd do anything to change the way I feel. I totally am with you on guarding my heart. I was totally codependent on my sister and then she got a boyfriend and left me in my insecurities. Thanks again for your encouragement.
Water

April 27, 2001
6:22 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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Water,

Please be careful esp if this person is so quick to offer drugs, by this i mean antidepressants. They are not as safe as they are stated and some say may even cause brain cancer(read this in a book at "branes and noble!) however that is your decision:)

I am currently weaning myself off of Paxil asnd doing it under a dr's care and so far so good. Alot of people I know, including myself, gained alot of weight in a very short time while on these meds, and alot of us were on diets! i got a fat neck and middle, from a 40 pd weight gain, in about 8 months and i am not the exception.

I would suggest a psyhotheraphist cause they will help you get to the root of the problem withOUT prescribing drugs, and yes the Doctors do profit from the drugs they prescribe you! Not to say that some are not in it for the money.,but look how many of us are doped up and not facing our problems.

This is just my two cents, I am sure you will get many different opinions on this and it will help you to see all your options and to do what is best for YOU!

btw...I was healed through talking to a friend that i believe GOD appointed to me, she did more for me than any trained theraphist ever did for me, and she never charged me a penny too! Just something to think about!

Peace,
Kimberly

April 27, 2001
6:24 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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Oh and the sister thing, if you heard my story i bet you think yours was the best friend ever! Seriously!

Oh well have a good nite!

April 28, 2001
9:13 pm
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water
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Dear Kimberly Anne,
Yeah this won't be my first time to a psychiatrist, I didn't like my first one so I'm going to another. I was on Risperdal and gained 35 pds. Go figure. I guess medicine for the head slows down everything. I was off for a while, but I'm losing control over my life. I'm freaked out going to work on Monday. I don't know how to act in front of my coworkers who think I'm weird. I think I'm playing out my fears. I think also that I'm so unstable because I had such a deep connection with my sister and that was severed. I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I hope you're healing. I'm trying to heal, I talked to my sister today and yelled at her, it felt good, and then I felt bad. She keeps telling me that counseling isn't the answer and I keep telling her that its working for me and just to support me. She always has to have her way, but then so do I. I'm getting really nervous in my stomach thinking about Monday. At work on Friday I got the worst stomachache being there. It's funny I get stomachaches around mean people, and now I get them when I'm really insecure. Go figure. Thanks for responding. I want to live my life free of Risperdal but for now Risperdal is the only thing from keeping me from a mental hospital.
PS You have totally been blessed with a friend you can tell everything too. I don't think I can. There's some really crazy stuff in my head. I really think I'm demon possessed. I just can't get these crazy thoughts from my head!!!!!
--water--

April 29, 2001
7:56 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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Well I had crazy thoughts as well and still do and sometimes i wonder about myself as well.

So your sister thinks she knows what is best for you? oh. Well please do what you feel is best, never give anyone so much power over you, I am currently learning this myself!

I don't know about your background, but mine was extremely abusive and i had learned that I will give off signals to others that will bother people so i do not get real close to anyone as of yet.

Now your in spot where you must go out into the world and deal with people so you will need to deal with this in order to be a happier person. Counseling sounds good to me, as long as they are helping you and not just numbing you up with medications in my opinion.

I usually think right off the bat that people do not like me and cause of that, i fulfill my own self fullfilling prophecy. Does this make sense to you? This may be your trail as well, as in abuse victims that is often the case.

For example, i went to buy my daughter some ballet shoes at this downtown boutique and i was waiting with other mothers in the room and I almost ran out of there with my tail between my legs and whimpering.

Why? Cause I have low self esteem and had been conditioned to believe that i am not good enough and people pick up on this on a nonverbal way, even with out us saying a word to them!

I either dress to impress, wearing expensive sport clothes, cause i am more comfortable in sweats and those type of items. Or I really dress sloppy and just hang my head low. i have no real in between ways of presenting myself. I am either rather egocentric or I am the maytre. As in most instances of abuse victims.

The thing is it is not easy to please everyone, even if you did look and act as society thinks and expects of you, there will always be someone there to harass you. Had this problem many years ago when i was single and worked at a local distrubutor.

No one liked me at all. I was never invited out when every one went out for drinks after work. I am the work place scapegoat. People made fun of me and i still have no idea why to this day. I was thin and pretty and dressed really nice and alot of people i worked with were dumpy and dressed sort of sloppy and it was noticable to everyone.

I did not go around acting like I was better and tried to befriend people but they only did to get info on me and then to use it to harm me later when everyone got together to play jokes on me. I was and still am VERY
sensitive to being hurt, I cry at a drop of a hat and it showed, so guess what, I became the company joke, the person no one asked to lunch or to go out later for drinks.

I don't know if this helped you to see that it has nothing to do with how you look or what your preferences are, it has more to do with people in general, and if you do not gang up on someone and have a hard mean tude out there in the world, people hate you. At least that is my experience, could be yours too maybe?

If you would like to talk more privately, I am here, email me at [email protected] and if can talk some more in private.

Blessings:)
Kimberly

May 4, 2001
9:31 am
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water
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It's been a while since I've written here. I've slowly regressed and my work is still a place of fear. I get panic attacks when thinking about and when I'm going to work. I want to quit so badly, but we'll see. I have successfully weirded out my coworkers, the ones that I really like too. I guess i've done the wrong thing of assuming what they're thinking. I feel that I've come a long way, before I was a mess about my future, but my mom pointed out you have nothing to worry about. I thought about it, and yeah, she's right. I felt a lot better. It's not the career so much anymore, it's me. I'm still working on myself. I think everyone can better themselves. I think I need to get through my head that I'm not perfect.
-water-

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