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I think I'm getting it..... Please read and comment
July 13, 2005
11:38 pm
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nonnie
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I've been doing a little reading... I've learned something, so I thought I'd talk it out and try to absorb it.
Ok, so is it my responsibility to make my partner happy? No. Not only isn't it my responsibility to "make" another happy (or miserable, or anything else), but I simply can't do it. I don't have that kind of power. (Unless, of course, my partner gives it to me.)

So when I go out of my way to treat my partner well! I can Knock myself out...do all sorts of wonderful things! However, despite what I do, I am only responsible for my own feelings. My duty is to myself, to be aware of my own motivation and expectations, my delivery, how I feel, and everything else about my actions. My partner's reaction to me is my partner's responsibility. Even if they try to pin their reaction on my actions, their reaction is their responsibility. Period. End of story.
So then a verbally abusive husband who spends much of his time trying to create a safe environment for himself by controlling his wife perhaps treating her poorly in the process, is not responsible for my feelings. I am. I let him violate my boundaries. So we can continue with mutual boundary violations and nauseum: he can blame me for his woes and I can guilt him for mine. And on and on the story goes...

The reality, the abusive husband ultimately answers only to himself and to his Maker. The price is the loss of self, the loss of inner peace, symptoms, etc. It is me, who discounts my feelings or makes excuses for my husband's mis-behaviors, and therefor I am also responsible to myself and Maker. I pay much the same price for selling out.

Isn't it selfish to set limits? No, no, no. In fact, it is destructive not to set limits. Who will take care of you if you don't? Who knows more about what you need, or don't need, than you do? It is unfortunate that the word "selfish" has such a bad connotation. Perhaps we need to think in terms of "selfcaring." Then we may more appropriately ask, "Isn't it self caring to set limits?" You bet!

And so there you are! Now how to put into actual steps.... well that will have to be another thread 🙂

July 13, 2005
11:42 pm
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lost and found
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i'm glad i read your story. i am about where u are now. it cheers me up to know that i am getting better.thanks so much for sharing

July 13, 2005
11:50 pm
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nonnie
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But gee, I think there's quite a ways to go, huh?
I think just getting this is way big for me. I always felt, I was being selfish.
But not any more -HA

July 14, 2005
12:30 am
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nonnie
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I have to keep voicing this. Thanks for reading this whomever you are. It's still helping me uncover all this.

Second chapter here:
So, I believe I have been selling out, I have given my husband power over me. I cannot believe I have allowed this to happen to me, all in the name of keeping the our marriage. I thought it would be enough simply accepting him. I was very happy for the bulk of my marriage, I still am married by the way. I knew all this boundary and codepency stuff, I could seen then more objectively. I chose however, not to speak out because it wasn't going to change anything. I simply figured that this was what I was going to be living with, all the days of our married life. Something happened though recently. A simply realization that I lost myself and desire my identity back. I'm offended that I am not loved, betrayed and empty by my relationship. I was assuming way to much responsibility. I believe I simply broke down in this process of time. I have forgotten about what I like and what matters to me. Or even how to share it. I've been a better listener than a talker (ha! I'm just a chabbering now) I allowed myself to become confused in the midst of sheilding, protecting my husb from himself. The ultimate UGH!

I simply became angry. I know now I need to forgive, I have asked for forgiveness of my behavior, I felt this would be a good place to begin.

I'm not sure where my marriage is going. I worry for our children, oh how I love them......

July 14, 2005
12:43 am
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lost and found
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is it worth it to you to lose yourself to keep things like they are? i used to be afraid that once i started thinking about me, that i would be abandoned, and that could happen any time. but i finally hurt so bad that i had to do something for me(everything else i did didn't work)sounds to me like you are going thrue the grief process-denial, bargaining,anger, acceptance...if you are like me, u will bounce back and forth from anger at him to anger at yourself. pat yourself on the back, you are getting better

July 14, 2005
7:38 am
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nonnie
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I believe that's where I'm at. However, the abandonment thing. I can't see that part. However, I think perhaps, abandonment from our children. I don't know about that one. This is the part that I'm most vulunerable. So you think I'm getting better - this is the greatest news of all. The anger part is me, no doubt.
Please share how your doing.

July 14, 2005
9:40 am
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feelingused
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Nonnie--wow

You wrote a heartfelt post!

It took me by my gut!!

I am in a relationship like this. I feel what you are feeling! OMG.. Right now I feel true bitter anger towards the man I married and is the only man I've EVER been with for 24 years!! I have taken care of HIM and raised 3 wonderful girls, basically by myself.

My husband IS an true beer drinker, BUT MOST of all he is very emotional and verbally abusive.. His thought process has me at OMG moments!!! I feel at times I AM going crazy, because of what he says to me... I find myself hating the man I gave my life to all these years!!! When I know he's on his way home, my emotions change, I get nervous I get sick to my stomach even.. When he walks in I just look at his eyes and they say it all! I smile or take cover.. I now know its NOT just the beer, its HIS thinking.
I've been writing sneakingly in a journal on the days that I can't stand living anymore, its always the day of HIS actions and words or the very morning after. I've been keeping track on the calendar of his drinking, and I compare with my journal sometimes... Well,, there are days they match with his drinking but alot of crap happens when he hasn't drank. Thats why I know its HIM..not the beer..

I find myself getting angry, which I never did before. I never spoke up I just took what he gave me.. I gained weight even to stop him from thinking I'm messing around!! I stopped putting on make-up, dressing a certain way.. ext.....

Well,, since coming on here and having people help me I have lost my weight, I put on make-up and I'm slowly buying clothes that make ME FEEL good!!! I voice how he makes me feel! I sit down with him and "talk" to him, on how he makes ME FEEL.. I have begged him to change HIS WAYS of speaking, acting and doing things towards me... WELLLLLL, It hasn't worked, I still pick him up when he's drunk at places, I still listen to his words, but atleast I know HE'S WRONG, BUT I know inside I AM in control of who I truelly am.

Heres the thing,,, I've been voicing too much at him when he gets home!!! I feel the urgentcy to tell him HE'S WRONG, and HOW DARE HE say those things to me!! and I basically could start world war 3!!

Meanwhile my girls are hearing me,, they look at me like, "OMG, please shut up, so he can shut up!!"... Why do I feel the need to justify my self??? Whay can't I just lay low and let the night pass without saying anything?????????????

Nonnie when I read your post, It REALLY HIT home!!! Thank you for letting me see who I have become......

July 14, 2005
4:28 pm
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nonnie
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I'm sorry feelingused about your situation.
My abuse sounds much more subtle than what your sharing. In my relationship, I see more his manipulation mannerisms - more like a passive-agressive personality.
What I know for sure though, is that I don't need to change him and quite frankly, I hope for his sake he does, as far as I'm concerned well after all these years its very freeing knowing I don't have to or need to! I didn't want this or expect this, but here I am. I have responsibilties here as well. I feel quite liberated. I can be happy again with me, because I have control of myself and my own happiness like "living" again. I pray he can starting "living" again. I'm not sure how I got in the mix of things, and for know it doesn't matter. Too much on my own plate. I'm taking small steps (some not always forward)

It sounds like your starting to do things for yourself. This is good. I wonder though why your still picking him up when he's drunk. I'd explore some enabling tactics here. Sounds like your husb needs to hit or find his bottom and explore his own consequences. Be honest with your girls. Call it what it is. Be honest outside and inside. Keep posting and much love to you!

July 14, 2005
4:49 pm
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I feel like I'm looking in a mirror. Your stories are so similar to my marriage of 18 years. People ask me all the time (now that we are divorced) how I put up with him for so many years. And I've thought about that many many times. The answer is, I thought it was what I was supposed to do! And when I realized that one person does not a relationship make, then I got out. The 3 things that kept me IN the marriage, are the 3 most important people in my life...my boys! And believe it or not, I now realize that my ex used that virtue against me. He knew how much I valued family, and doing the right thing. He even said to me one time, "You don't have the balls to leave!" Well, he's eating those words now. And, Feelingused, my boys used to say the same thing to me, "Mom, do you have to set him off like that? Then he takes it out on us!" But in the long run, they KNEW that I was fighting for the right things. My oldest son said to me the other day when he knew I had to discuss something with his dad, "Well good luck talking to *** (they call him by his first name when they are talking about him..ha). You KNOW how he is!" And I thought...YES, THEY GET IT!!! And they don't blame me anymore for walking out. They knew what I put up with (as did they), but NOBODY ever wants their parents to divorce. Time heals all things. Life today is good! I am free!!!

July 14, 2005
5:00 pm
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Anonymous
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Oh, and Nonnie, I made excuses for my ex-husbands behavior for YEARS! He didn't come from a loving family, his father is mean and abusive, he didn't have the opportunities that I had growing up, he's just misunderstood! HA! Making excuses for someone only allows them to continue with their bad behavior. I even made him look GOOD to other people (especially our chidren), because I was always going behind him smoothing things over with people that he hurt. He NEVER took responsibility for his mouth. He told me numerous times that he was just saying what was on his mind, and if people didn't like it, well that was THEIR problem!

Also, I recognize the "insecurity" in feelingused post. My ex CONSTANTLY accused me of stepping outside the marriage. If I talked to a man more than 5 minutes, something must be going on. If we were walking together, and another man looked at me for very long across the way, I must be putting out vibes that I WANT something! I became quite paranoid, and shut down for a while also. I let him totally change who I was until I lost myself. Well, now I'm back, but it's taken me 5 years to "deprogram"! Don't let him define who you are like I did. It's a hard road back, my friend!

July 14, 2005
7:57 pm
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nonnie
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Again, just talking out loud here -
Just so you know.
I do want to stay in this marriage, I'm not to that point. I believe in the power of prayer. I am merely try to keep myself healthy in the midst and regain person once again. I have no plans as I chose not to set deadlines. Just baby steps for now. I just started a new job. One I'm very happy about. It took a lot of looking and few hoops, but I really say it feels like a good fit. I'm going away for the weekend with a couple of girlfriends. I think this will be good too.
Perhaps when I return I can have more forward steps to look into.

How nice these threads all are. I may just keep expressing myself on and on here. It's good therapy. I hope everyone here continues to share - I'm loving this!

XXOO - Keep close to our Father in Heaven. He can do more than us. Goodness, He has taken me out of the muck here to see more objective. I guess the one about the plank in your own eye has applied to me.

I'm thinking about joing a CoDA group.
If anyone wants to know how to find one --- I thought a while back I found something in a thread about on-line areas??? That would be a whole 'nother step. I'm interested though.

July 19, 2005
11:22 pm
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nonnie
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Ok so I probably could have started a new thread. But I think this one is becoming a diary or something for me.

Anyway, today is a different day and I have really struggling in my family relationships. Each time I try to begin a conversation, it fails. Or perhaps I'm failing. I'll try to explain, but bear with me.

I came home from work excited about sharing new ways of dealing with my son's stress and disrespect. Advice came from a respected source. Anyway,
when I came home. I tried to explain this to husb... The timing must of have been off, I don't even know what came up or happened. He was preoccupied and my daughter was near. I chose to talk to him about it privately. Then everyone got hungry and I was making dinner before I knew it. My son was in his room doing something and didn't bother to answer when called. Dinner was ready in a flash, we ate, son left the table and wanted to jump in the water before leaving for a class he was attending. I mentioned I wanted to talk to him and told him that if it wasn't a good time, I rather have all of his attention. He chose to talk later. He came home from his class and went for a quick run. I mentioned to him again that I wanted to speak to him. He basically ignored my statements and when finally come up from his room was very "inconvenienced" I simply reminded him that I wanted to chat, would tomorrow be better as his tone, etc. was not good. Again, bad timing I agree. Anyway, so that got put off. My conversation with my husb never happened. He just ignores or will say that he didn't remember (an all occasion statement).

So what's the problem?

I'm frustrated and ticked! This kind of thing is cyclic in our home. The conversations saved for another time. Simply doesn't happen. I feel as though I would literally be nagging at both son and husb to share.
I really don't want to do that - I know from past experience this is what happens.
I feel this info. is great insight and a real blessing for us all.

So you may ask why worry?
If I don't revert to the same old strategies, here we go again! Same old crap - new day.

I so give up on sharing ANYTHING! I'm just ssooooooooooo SICK OF IT.

So that's my day. I hope if someone reads this, you share.

Well, a new thread would have been a better way to go. But my diary continues..........

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