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I think I'm finally numb to the pain...hurts
February 4, 2005
8:30 am
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gardengnome
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Thanks hurts and woundedspirit for your words of confort.
I had to take 2 ativan's last night to get some sleep, still got up at 2:30 and cried for some time...managed to fall back asleep after consoling myself. Why do i have to go through this shit?
He hasn't called me, i didn't think he would because he knew i knew what he was up to and he hates to feel guilty, and says i make him feel guilty....I really hope all this comes out when he goes to see the therapist on monday.
I don't want to give up...i can't give up.
I'm going to go to my step class and jump around a bit maybe run a couple of k's then I'm off to see a therapist at my cegep...I hope to get some relief there...Although this sight has helped me so much since i found it.
I don't know how to thank you all...at times its the only place i feel i can turn to...
I hope my nightmare ends soon 🙂
love u allxoxo

February 5, 2005
1:40 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi gardengnome,

I hope you had a much better day today.

This thread seems to be dying. Not many people writing anymore.

My day has been fairly good I still miss the jerk, but now it's more of a dull feeling....not very strong anymore. I can think about him without crying or obsessing - which is a GIANT step for me.

Has yours called you? My ex of course hasn't.....no big surprise. I think eventually I will believe that it's for the best.

February 7, 2005
9:05 am
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gardengnome
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Hi hurts

We saw eachother on friday, went well, I asked him to come home friday night, and he sais he couldn't...that was my first clue.
We saw eachother saturday, went well but the kids were really cold towards him, they don't like what he's doing to me and hate him for it.
We slept together saturday, i thought he was staying at a motel while we a separated for him to decide what to do...but sunday i found out through something he let slip that he's been staying with her.
ouchhhhh!!!!man does that hurt.
Here we are trying to work this out and he's living with her !!! Says its temporary....motel cost too much for long term, and he's looking for short term rental place...i wonder if this is true?
He sees his therapist tonight, i hope he's not lying to me again.
Right now i really don't ever want to see him or hear from him again.
I don't know what to do for next weekend....i guess i'll calm down and speak to my therapist and make a decision ......
how are you doing, hurts, you sounded like you got over the most painful part. I think i'm still in it although i'm more angry than hurt right now.

February 7, 2005
12:36 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I'm not doing so well today. It's Monday, I'm back at work and all I can do is think about you-know-who.

I haven't heard from him in 14 days...I'm scared this is it and yet, I'm also scared he will write again.

Why can't I let go? Why do I insist on wasting my time hurting over someone that on the surface anyway, does not seem to care?

February 7, 2005
10:00 pm
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Rasputin
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Sweet Hurts so bad,

I went through the same experience with my previous bfs. So I know the feelings. My heart goes out to you.

The best thing to do right now is, as soon as you wake up in the morning breath deeply; look in the mirror and tell yourself "I am loved by God, God has an interesting plan for my life".
Get re-connected with God, know that He has your best interests at heart.
Pray the Serenity Prayer, which is:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
Wisdom to know the difference;
Love to do Your will in my life.

Know that doing God's will is crucial to your happiness and vice versa!

Pray to God to give you the desire to want His will in your life. Keep yourself busy. Deepen Your faith with God.

Most of us at this stage(after break-up relationship)become discouraged because of those nostalgic feelings, assuming falsely that he was the only perfect lover for us, and we wouldn't be able to fall in love with anybody else anymore! That is not true.

Remember honey always; if it's God's will; it'll work out!

There are some books about this subject. Lately, I heard about "In every pew sits a broken hear" By: Ruth Graham. I haven't read it yet; but I imagine it must excellent. I need this book too, cause I am very romantic person just like you. People like us get hurt a lot.

In the meantime, I will keep you in my daily prayers sweetie!

February 7, 2005
11:00 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Rasputin - thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. And thank you for your prayers. Yes, I do pray a lot. I just find it hard to believe sometimes that God would want me to hurt so much. And you're right - I don't feel like I will ever find anyone that will make me feel like he did. How much longer will it be before God will heal me and show me what he wants me to do.

I came home from work today and slept for 2 hours. I am so depressed. I don't want to go talk to my friends, I just want to be alone. I know that isn't healthy....but I have no energy to get up and move. It's a wonder I can make it to work.

Funny you should mention the Serenity Prayer. I have it hanging on my bedroom wall. I have only been hurt this badly by 3 men in my life....the other relationships didn't really matter that much when they ended....but I can't help but wonder why out of 3 men I loved so much, God chose to take them all away from me. It's almost as if I'm being punished for something I did.

Maybe I'm just getting paranoid. All I know right now is that I have totally regressed from just a few days ago, when my feelings were numb.....and now I feel like the breakup is brand new. It's been 8 months. When is enough, enough?

February 8, 2005
8:32 am
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gardengnome
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Hi Hurts

I hope you will have a better day today. I think of you and send you strenght vibes because i feel what you are feeling.

It's not easy, but we must push ourselves to go on, one day at a time.

Do you have any pets? My cats sometimes see how upset I am and they let me hold them and cuddle them. They almost seem to know how I am hurting.
I wish i could take all the pain and suffering away from all humans.

Keep praying, hurts, i will pray for you too. Pray that the pain will end soon, the sun will shine and we will feel better.
Tell yourself "I CAN HANDLE THIS" this helps me a little.

Hurts, i sorry for my rambling on about myself the other day, I needed to vent...
This is like a huge rollercoaster ride...the emotions are so strong...
Please be good to yourself today, do something for you ok, and i will too, i'm going for breakfast with a friend, it'll keep me out of the house for a little bit.

When i sit and think about all this i tell myself what a bunch of crap this all is.

February 8, 2005
1:17 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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gardengnome - As a matter of fact I do have a cat and she usually sleeps with me and cuddles. she's very loving.

I must have recited the Serenity Prayer a thousand times this morning. I'm feeling a little bit better, but the longing to hear from him is still there. It is so hard to break away.

Thank you for the prayers you're saying for me. I will keep you in my prayers as well. I keep trying to remember that if this is meant to be, it will be. But I'm scared it wasn't meant to be. Will I ever be happy? Or am I doomed to go through one heartache after another?

Let's both try and have a good day today. Hope you enjoyed breakfast with your friend. Look forward to hearing from you. {{{{Hugs}}}}}

February 8, 2005
6:17 pm
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woundedspirit
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Hurts, I hope your having a better afternoon! I just posted something on a thread "Sweet Revenge" and had you in mind when I posted it. Hope its good for a moment of laughter anyway!

February 8, 2005
6:17 pm
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woundedspirit
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Hurts, I hope your having a better afternoon! I just posted something on a thread "Sweet Revenge" and had you in mind when I posted it. Hope its good for a moment of laughter anyway!

February 8, 2005
6:27 pm
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on my way
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You know it sounds like he is the type of guy who pops in and out and you never know if you may hear from him or not. And, hd can't seem to make up his mind?
Do it may be a good idea if you just decide for him..do you want someone who cannot decide for you or against you?
My son said something that was profound, "Sometimes you just have to allow a man to be wrong sometimes".

You will be okay...honest!!

February 8, 2005
7:05 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

woundedspirit - I did read your thread....damn, wish I could do something like that to him....sweet revenge...laughed out loud...thanks!

on my way - Do I want someone who can't decide for me or against me? Hmmm....if you had asked me that last year, I would have told you "absolutely not".....being where I am now though, my honest answer would have to be "as long as I've got a chance, I'll hang in there". I know that's not very healthy at all and it shows a lack of self-esteem....but I love the stupid jerk and until I can let him go.....I'm afraid I'm going to keep hoping. Damn....why me?

February 8, 2005
9:47 pm
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Rasputin
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Dear Hurts so bad,

I have been praying for you yesterday and today, sweetie!

You say he is a jerk. Do you know that jerks are self-centered people? They are only in love with themselves.
Ask yourself if you are capable of spending the rest of your life with someone who only expects you to give; and he only takes without appreciating or giving you back.
You will become a doormat, used, abused with no character. Is this the kind of life you signed up for? Do you think God wants you to have this kind of life, if He loves you?

It is very likely God allowed this situation to take place because He loves you sweetie! He wants to spare you the pain,heartache, and unhealthy relationship with this guy.

So, what seems to be unpleasant is actually goodluck. Take heart!

Rest assured honey, if he has a new gf, he will treat her in the same way. So, do not resent it. On the contrary, celebrate that God is protecting you from jerks!!!

Say to yourself confidently:
"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me"(Philippians 4:13).

I will continue to pray for you sweetie!

Love,

Rasputin

February 9, 2005
10:29 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Rasputin -- thanks for your input. I never quite looked at my situation from that perspective. I attended my first CODA meeting last nite and it was really helpful. I think with God's help and the meetings I just might get stronger and be able to overcome this.

I'm feeling okay tis morning. I'm trying to focus on healing myself and being good to myself. He still hasn't written which I know deep inside is a good thing - but on an emotional level it still hurts - I can't deny that.

Please keep praying for me as I will pray for you. We can do this...

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