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I think I'm codependent
October 7, 2005
8:30 am
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loveflip
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I'm new here. I just had my second session with a therapist yesterday and she gave me some information on Codependency that we will discuss further at my session with her next Wed. I'm pretty sure I'm codependent but I don't come from an abusive family, however, my parents did have very high expectations of me and always wanted me to follow the same path they followed, never really accepted my need to grow on my own. I was a late bloomer, the youngest in my class, an ugly duckling. Then one day I grew up, boys started to look at me differently and from then on I used sex to get them to like me. I have been in several very long relationships over the years. I only have one girlfriend since I alienated the girlfriends to spend all my time with guys. My life changed each time I met a new guy because I just became part of his life. I have a good job but no hobbies and no social life beyond the life I have with my husband. I just got married 4 months ago to a guy who I would not have married had I been less codependent. What a mess! Is anyone out there in a similar situation?

October 7, 2005
8:51 am
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Anonymous
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I am not in the same situation per se, but I am codependent.

you don't need to come from an abusive family to be codependent...read "codependent no more" my melodie beattie or "women who love too much" by nora roberts for more info.

the real issue in our childhood is "where our emotional needs met by our parents?". In that - when we cried, did they help us thru it or did they tell us to shut up, there's nothing to cry about, or if there was a family problem, where we told not to discuss it, or if mom argued with dad, did mom tell you "nothing's wrong honey" - were problems swept under the carpet, where your emotions minimized or not validated, where they there for you, did they show love towards you.

if any of your emotional needs weren't met - which sounds possible in your case - it happens alot in overachieving families - then you are looking to win that love from the same type of people your parents were - you are trying to recreate the same emotional environment and then "change" the outcome - win the love once and for all - do it better than you did as a child. As a child, our parents should have protected us, nurtured us, and met our emotional needs - it was not OUR job to do it - it was there's. So if they slacked - chances are, it scarred us in ways that created this thing called codependency.

Going to therapy and having a therapist who understands codependency is a HUGE step - not all therapists understand it. there are codependent anonymous meetings too - great support group that can help you learn to cope - http://www.coda.org to find meetings in your area....

the first step after that is finding hobbies, sports, arts, crafts, friends, groups, volunteer, etc, to fill your time - so you have YOUR OWN life outside your marriage - so you have YOUR OWN identity outside your husband. It will help your self esteem and self worth and make you feel better about you - it may help your marriage too if you are not so dependent on him to amuse you and entertain you and make you feel good all the time...may take pressure off him to do things right all the time and make things better for you guys all the time.

and perhaps he isn't a good pick for you - but do the therapy and go to meetings and rebuild your life before deciding - UNLESS you are in an abusive relationship, that puts your safety at risk or if drugs are involved and you don't want to risk the legal ramifications and such...then it might be better to seprate.

you are on the right road to recovery...welcome.

October 7, 2005
8:55 am
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human drama
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welcome (((loveflip)))
Honestly I am so much questioning right now I don't think I can advise you. I find some very good and informed answers here. I am new, too.
At times I feel like I think I know the answers and then I realize I do not. Maybe always having to be right or think I am is why I need an emotional tune up! Another aspect of codependancy. Breaking down the walls one brick at a time I suppose.
AND yet, strangely I feel good, and happy within. This site has offered me new perspective and it has me really thinking about issues, responses - ect. Last night while spending time with my family I began to laugh. Once I started I couldn't stop. I enjoyed the moment. I felt so alive. Know that you are not alone. We all have some dysfunction. May just be the point of life - to learn!
To think bigger or better.
Good luck with your journey.
HD

October 7, 2005
9:03 am
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CAMER
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welcome...i can relate, i too was a late bloomer, and ugly duckling till i turned 17 and dressed better and looked better and men noticed me, and yes, i used sex to get love. All the wrong things to do. My upbringing was tough, was made fun of in school, i was too scared to stick up for myself, cried alot, was afraid of my
strict parents and lived in alot of fear just to please them.

I have been involved in a few long term relationships with men who were not good for me, but then i think i just needed a man, any man, and didn't care how bad he treated me.

I read the books Codep. No More and Women who love too much (by Robin Norwood) and they helped, along with therapy and regular Coda meetings and joinging this site back in 2004, has helped me alot.

Keep posting & know you are not alone.

I am glad you are going to therapy..and i wish you the best on your marriage.

(((camer))

October 8, 2005
9:53 am
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loveflip
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I wrote earlier today and I appreciate the helpful responses I got. So, now I'm back and need to get some more off my chest. I am codependent and a lot of that comes from the job I have. I am a resident innkeeper at a large B&B and the job runs my life. I have no hobbies and no friends (it's hard to have a social life when you are in charge of a place like this). I gave up on myself for this job because it was a good opportunity. I was the "mother" of every guest that ever stayed here. I live here rent free but the emotional costs have been huge so it's not worth it. I moved my husband in with me 4 years ago so that I would have someone here all the time when I needed to be here around the clock. I married him 4 mos ago but he does not fit the profile of "my type," however, a good friend of his does. So, I opened up to his friend not too long ago, told him I've always been attracted to him. One of my emotional needs is a good relationship with family. This guy has a good relationship with his family and I with mine and our families know each other so there's some history there and we have connectedness. We've always had a crush on each other. He is physically attractive to me and my husband is not. I should have explored a relationship with him 4 years ago but I didn't because I met my husband first and I was vulnerable, had just ended a relationship (because of my codependency-I know that now, finally). At the very least I think I need to separate from my husband but he doesn't want to. He does not want to see me with his friend but don't I owe it to myself to give it a try...a healthy try, now that I know the boundaries? Maybe not right away but when I have more going on in my life. By the way, I just hired someone to help me at work so I will be taking more time off...and I'm going back to school in January. I'm getting there.

October 8, 2005
9:56 am
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loveflip
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Now I'm thinking that maybe my emotional needs will change as I start to develop a sense of self. Maybe exploring a relationship with my friend is not the best thing for me now. I should wait, but should I stay with my husband or separate? I'm always going to wonder "what if"

What if I had not moved him into my apartment right away?

What if back then I had know how to date men and had actually done so?

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