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I think I am finally getting it now....
March 5, 2003
10:24 pm
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This dark cloud that hangs over my head is a part of me. I can enjoy the blue sky days, but I have to understand that, as a trauma survivor, this penchant for downward spirals is with me forever. And I have to factor it into everything I do.

I have recently enjoyed a very good career advancement. I love academics and am writing papers and somehow someone contacted me about wanting to collaborate with me on another major project. I was thinking it was probably some grad student...and that this was going to be a lot of work...but it was someone who was well-established in her field! I was enthralled...until she started telling me all about the 11 year old daughter she was in the process of adopting....

I don't know HOW I let it reduce me to such a needy child...but, fortunately, I saw what was happening, maintained my bearings, and politely declined the wonderfully generous offer of working with her on this project. I am known to be eccentric...so here is just one more thing to add to the town gossip.... But I cannot let myself be jealous of her child!

I am not in love with this woman nor do I want her to be my mother...but the possiblity of having a caring and strong and smart and capable mother...something I dreamed of for decades and gave up on only in RECENT years...and that took a lot of work...right there in my face. The woman would NEVER EVER understand...I am bearly a decade younger than her, myself! I would completely scare her with my true nature.

Yes, it is time to eat some of the stew I made in earlier days...when things were happier...for a while.

I just realised that this is never going to go away...and I will be foolish forever. I just have to be very skilled at keeping it to myself.

Therapy is a total waste of time for me. I will go there seeking mommma...knowing that it is bullshit...and that I am setting myself up for failure...the therapist will run and I will get dumped. This is my cycle...the one my own mother bequeathed me over 30 years ago. Goddammit I wish it would stop.

So here is my therapy: face down the demon of motherlessness...abandoned motherlessness no less...and ACCEPT that this is ALL there is! This will never pass. The mom in my head is a childhood fantasy created to get me to survive to adulthood. Here I am...in middle age...still a huge fool.

The dispair I feel is beyond words.

I had to say "no thanks" to a really great academic study...in the middle of my career, while in middle age because I am not able to get over my mother's abandonment of me over 30 years ago. Things were just fine until the woman started talking about her child.

I am such a freak.

An old, foolish freak.

March 5, 2003
10:34 pm
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It looks like the ACC moon is full tonight. Here I am venting about MY despair...and so is everyone else. Look at these titles at the top of the list!

March 5, 2003
10:43 pm
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I didn't get to the conclusion of my missive yet.....

I do really get it now.

The beginning was full of despair, but I am able to move to acceptance...and I do this regularly...but somehow this interaction with the researcher really got me and I had to decline her offer before I made a mess of it.

The work of therapy. The work I do alone because I cannot find someone I trust to help me to do this...that won't hurt me with her assupmtions....

The work is this: to accept that the Mother really isn't coming to get me. Not ever. Not only that, she never existed. It is a blow similar to realizing that religion is a pack of lies and that there is nothing out there that cares one bit about any of us. We make all of this up to make ourselves feel better...then we die. And that is it.

Therapy is about acceptance of reality. Life isn't fair...so what. I do not need to pay a manicured, pedicured, big-haired mommas girl to realize that!

I just need to get it and move on.

March 6, 2003
9:57 am
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When a tree falls in a forest and no one is present...I guess it really doesn't make any noise, does it?

March 6, 2003
10:10 am
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Hi Scherza, I heard the tree fall....
just didn't know how to respond.....
I care just don't know how to approach you and your pain. How about a HUG as a start. 🙂

March 6, 2003
10:22 am
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How about if I am here too Scherza. You sound like you know a lot about therapy and have done a lot of analyzing of your own thoughts. The problem with that is you are still not getting what you need the most. It sounds like you just want that unconditional love that a mother should be able to give. That acceptance from someone who loves you just for being their child. You didn't get that and no amount of analyzing can change that hurt. It doesn't sound like you have found a therapist yet who really has been able to help you. They are out there. I think I am lucky because my counselor has given me a safe place to feel like I can really trust an authority figure. Keep searching and keep reaching out. You do matter and your heart still needs to be mended. The tree did make a sound, but sometimes it just takes a while to find where it fell. 🙂

March 6, 2003
10:26 am
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That was beautiful, TS.

So now you have two of us to lean on, scherza....
How can we help?

March 6, 2003
1:29 pm
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Hi Scherza,

I skim content, and I'm glad I caught your post.

You're right, if a tree falls, and no one is there, it is silent!

But, if the vibrations go on long enough, and an animal or bird shows up, then it does make a noise.

I think all of our issues remain a part of us forever, no matter what we do, but like a scar on our skin, it can fade and heal until it is almost unnoticed. But, we always remember where it was.

My scars are healing, so I'm not just making this up. It's really how I see it for myself. Understanding/sorting/thinking it through rationally, and thoroughly, has been the most helpful thing for me...

"It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather, it is regret over yesterday or fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today" - Robert J. Hastings

Hugs, SC

March 6, 2003
6:00 pm
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Dear SC: My scars are tatoos...placed on me by my mother's INTENTIONAL CHOICE not to mother me. Like women being carted off by Nazi soldiers for the slaughter. I have to cut my arm off to get rid of that mark. I am not proud of my mark, either.... It is something I just have to accept as a part of who I am.

MJ: This is the second time I have dumb-struck you with the passion of my response. Thanks for trying.

Tooscared: You sound young and fortunate...with your therapy. I know that what I need the most is not available to me. It never will be. No therapist can ever give it to me, either.

Therapy is what WE do, not what they do. They only try to facilitate it with us. We depend on their skill...and honesty. Truth be told, they lie and they gossip amongst themselves. Try being a bug on the wall during one of their cocktail parties. Many of them are abuse survivors themselves...with their own baggage, which they bring into the "therapeutic relationship" and blame you for, if it gets out of control.

If you think they care about you as a person, try not paying them for one session. They are like rock-n-roll groupies...gone when the money runs out. It is all about showing them the money. I went without "care" for a lot of years because of money. Now that I have it, I get their attention. They want to sell me products and services. I qualify for their groups...I can be entertaining and intelligent, when I want to be. I interviewed a few of them: I am healthier than they are! Imagine a world where you have to PAY someone to get them to care about you....

No....my task is to get used to the fact that there is no one "out there" for me. It is a part of the human condition...needing to feel loved and special and cared about. If you are able to be "safe" and "lucky," you are fortunate...but this is all made up by you...your decision to believe them.

Micheal Jackson is safe and lucky with all his money...he never has to see a bit of reality, if he doesn't want to. He can pay people to keep it from him.

We go around in our techology bubble...feeling safe...we have our cell phones and the door locks on our cars...and the music to dull our senses...to make the darkness seem less harsh. But we make it all up! The batteries better work...or it all dies and we are faced with our own dark empty universe.

There is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Father Christmas, no god...and no Mother for me. There never was and there never will be. I fail at getting one of my own basic human needs met and I have to cope with it.

I wish I could have been one of the Fortunate Ones...and had my existence sheltered and protected before I was ready to face it. But I wasn't. If I am to survive this life at all without completely checking out, I need to face it...accept it.

I make myself crazy because there is still this little glimmer of childish hope that says, "maybe this one is it!"

You can say that about therapists for hundreds of years...but it still isn't true. And if you find "The One" and s/he is worth their salt at all, the process will only lead exactly to this place. It will just take you longer to get here. You get to pay someone to help you delude yourself for longer time period!

This is a grief process. The end of any grief process is Acceptance of the death/loss. My mind created a fantasy Mother to substitute the real one...who checked out a long time ago. I am a middle aged woman now...and I have to stop believing in fairy stories. It is time to grow up!!

Anger....it is also a part of the grief process. It takes everything in my being to resist the childish reflex for internalizing that rage back at myself: It was my fault that mom blew me off. It was my fault that she didn't love me. I drove her to leave me...I did this several times. I was a bad child.

This presents me with some choices:

If I blame myself, then I still maintain control...I can fix it...because it is up to me to fix. Ohh. I can go into hyperactivity mode and brainstorm the 5000 ways I can "make it up" to my mother for being so bad.

I can blame my mother more than 18 years after her death because I am still a failure with mother figures...I can micturate on her ashes. Ohh. That feels so much better. At least I won't face renal failure!

I can blame no one. Mom did her "best"...she just "wasn't there" and I had nothing to do with it...it was just the 60's...you know...free love and all that. I can treat my "bad days" like chronic bronchitis...and treat symptoms...drink chicken soup...lay in the bath tub...play my cello...write papers...politely decline offers from stunning researchers...all because I am broken and I can't be fixed.

I have a lot of talent...I am not just full of it. But I cannot "really enjoy who I am" because a piece of me is broken beyond repair. I have to work really hard and spend lots of energy to keep it concealed. Treat my symptoms in secret. Pace my race to my alotted physical stamina...like a handicapped person.

This is Acceptance. The psychotherapeutic goal of any grief process....

March 6, 2003
6:58 pm
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This is sad Scherza. My heart hurts for the pain that you are tormenting yourself with. I am not young in age but I have not had the horrible experiences of life that you have faced. We all need to be loved though and accepted whether you believe that right now or not. The end of grief, you are right is acceptance, but not acceptance in that life is this horrible place where there is no good, no light, no hope. That is where you are wrong. Acceptance in the fact that we can not change what happened in our past. We had no control of that as children, but we do have control of our future. Acceptance in the fact that there are good loving people out there who don't have ulterior(sp?) motives. They truly do care about other people. There is a God, Scherza. But He is not the one that caused your pain. Do you think that everything just happens by coincidence? That you just accidentally are writing on this site and people are trying to reach out to you and make a difference? If you will just take the blindfold of darkness off for a little while and try to see some light, the goodness might surprise you. No one that is reaching out to you is being paid or getting some kind of thrill watching you write about your pain. We are all on here because we need human contact. We need to feel accepted. So do you.

March 6, 2003
7:28 pm
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Hello, scherza.

once i thought that we both knew better. of course too scared and sc are right. so are you, scherza.

but healing doesn't lie in the hidden. light brings healing, dear one. and you are also aware that surgery and disfigurement are not your answers.

integration? hmmm. an interesting concept, don't you think.

hello, my friend. write if you will or want to. i'm there, and here.

March 6, 2003
7:36 pm
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Scherza

I'm not kidding. You write beautifully! Have you ever thought of writing a novel? You have such a strong way of letting your feelings flow! You say you are "writing papers" what does it mean? What kind of papers?

You are educated, smart, sensitive and have the talent to write, why not give it a go?

Just thinking........

As for your mother.........have you seen Christ crusified?

When I saw him after I had Alex I understood.

I understood when I saw Him nailed to that cross, alone, dying in torture among total strangers, crying for his Father. And He was ALONE, totally alone. Yet He did it, he drank the cup his father had designed for him.

I think he told us everything in that act.

And believe me there is an afterlife.

To me forgiveness is the great conciliator. TOTAL FORGIVENESS.
Because what am I? Perfect? No!

You have to walk in other people shoes to know and understand why they do what they do. They also have their story.

And yes, I love Jesus with all my heart, and I know He's always there for me. Always has been. But sometimes the story He is writing is not about me, it's about somebody else, and he is using me as an instrument to help someone else. Ok, Lord, I accept it.

March 6, 2003
10:15 pm
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Tooscared: It is sad. Grief is sad. It is the way it is. Ultimately, the grief passes and there is nothing.... All that chattering about hope and love and grief and loss...is just us humans making noise while we are alive...trying to matter about something. Then we die...a hundred years goes by...and it is like nothing really mattered in the first place...it just mattered to us...in our temporal space...when we were alive. Dying is the final phase of life we have. The final end to the journey...part of the larger cycle.

Nikka: Long time no see.... I suppose I am not in the right mind to be sociable right now.... I am writing a paper that is past my own deadline, but well within the official deadline...and I am grappling with another humiliation....

I think you misunderstand me about the "hidden" part of this grief process. I cannot just express this out in the world and not suffer consequences. I have to keep it hidden to avoid MORE negatives being placed upon me by those who will judge, based on their assumptions, and never even try to understand. I cannot afford to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have to have "strategies" and "game plans" for when things get wierd with me. I have to do this alone...and not expect anyone's help or sympathy. I will lose my job, if I don't...and my professional license...! This is the Real World. Imperfections such as these are not forgivable. They invoke litigation and high drama in the court room. Gossip in the faculty lounge....

I have to stop dreaming of the Place in my imagination where I can be free and be with my short comings and get acceptance and understanding...and learn to use it somehow as a strength. This place does not exist. There are those who would enjoy seeing me fail, so they can take my place. It is the nature of the Game.

Naty: Thanks for the compliments about my writing. I do write, actually...stories and academic papers...and bullhockey on the internet.

I do not intend to offend your gracious contribution to me, but I do not believe in these fairy stories about god. I don't get it.

I do get that we are all in this process of entropy...and that life is about loss...and accepting this loss is our task. Our culture doesn't support loss. It sees loss as "loser." Loss is a necessary journey. One that therapy pads and prolongs the way of...if you can pay the fees.

Disclaimer: This money theme I mention...does not apply to absolutely everyone. We all do what we do for a reason, though...we have to have a pay-off of some kind...even if it is not monetary. Our pay-offs here are not about money, obviously. We are getting another need met here.

For me, it is so that my falling tree can be heard...and I can eventually move to graceful acceptance of its passing...neither with hope nor depair. A silence.

March 7, 2003
4:22 am
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namaste, scherza.

good morning, a rather early even for me good morning.

i will still go along with integration, but of course, you are allowed to believe and live what and as you will. I will not try to convince you of my perceptions of the world and life. we are who and what we are.

and you will surely not mistake light for a spotlight, will you? well, perhaps you will, sister. you are allowed. but the light i talk about is that solitary light, that light scherza brings within herself. those interior vistas are the ones without the sun. and i think you might not be required to risk your career and your sense of self to expose what requires exposing.

scherza, you are everso correct in thinking that what occurred in your life cannot be fixed -- at least if that means expunged -- but it might be reconciled, mightn't it? i sometimes wonder how many personalities we each have, not simply the survivor with mpd, but most if not all of us. we walk around with men in women and women in men and a child in an adult, etc... and it only seems to me that as we grow and ripen that we can explore, explore bringing those various sounds together in a integrated symphony.

March 7, 2003
11:11 am
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Dear Scherza,

You are very intelligent, much more than me, in fact, where did you start posting, 'cause I don't really get much of what you are saying. I'm new here. If you feel it will stir old wounds forget it.

It's ok if you don't believe in God.
I wonder myself and I don't and can't buy the whole story. To me it's a matter of feeling, that's all.

Ok, let me tell you a story (one of many) that probably doesn't have anything to do with believing or not.

One night while I was sleeping, I suddenly woke up feeling very disturbed and anguished. I wish I could say I saw my father standing on the doorway, but actually I didn't see him, I just felt him. He was lost and confused, then he saw me and started walking towards me, God it was so strange to feel all this, so tangible that I actually saw it. He abruptly stopped when he saw my husband sleeping, I could feel his dissapointement, he turned and started walking away. I tried to stop him and tell him not to go away. But after all, no one was there. I went back to sleep. The next morning the phone rang and I knew..my father had died during the night.

To make matters more interesting, a few days after his funeral I had to go to the dentist, she is a great believer in "everything", so she lent me a book she thought would help me with my loss. Surprise, surprise, right there in her office, the first page I read said (I'm transaling) "I know that my denial of yesterday is overriden by the triumph of today. I's am with God I am at peace." then it quoted the piece of scripture we chose for his tombstone: Come to me all that are burden and tired, I will give you relief. Matthew |11:28
"I rest in God, everything is fine"

He was a non-believer.

I'm not trying to sell any ideas. I'm just telling a story that still puzzels me.

Well, now that I read it it sounds simplistic and out of place, but here it goes....

March 8, 2003
5:04 pm
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Thanks you all for hearing my tree....

March 9, 2003
10:18 pm
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A new day has come.....

The acceptance thing isn't so bad. I am still a little numb...ish. But I have cut all my hair off...a symbol of my Change. Something to remind me that I cannot go back...and believe the crap I believed before. I have to accept my losses. It is the only way I am going to heal.

As an incest survivor, I accept that my parents were irresponsible and that my step parents were criminal...and that my fantasy mom does not exist. She is not ever coming to get me...this wonderful idea got me through childhood and early adulthood. It is at long last time to let it go now.

As someone whose mother abandoned her repeatedly, I accept that she did this. I accept that this is no reflection on me or my lovability...she just did this...for her own reasons, which had nothing to do with me.

I know that this moment of peace is only a respite from this process and that I still have more work to do...and this is a life-long process. It will never go away. It is my handicap.

I am grateful to my husband for his patient and mature support and to the people on this site for "hearing" me.

March 10, 2003
5:26 pm
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we are all with you in thought look up above for your help and ask and ye shall receive

March 11, 2003
5:32 pm
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Pam g fu...why do you write to me half in modern American English and half in British Middle English? I suppose that it could be that you are making a King James Version Biblical reference...? This is the assumption that I am making...correct me if I am wrong.

I suppose that you feel the need to use this reference in your brief note to me because it works for you. I respect and accept that you are contributing to me and using what you know to be your best information for this process.

Please respect and accept that this religiousity does not work for me in my life experience. I sincerely wish that it did! It would have certainly made my life a lot easier...but, instead, it has made it more difficult because it only postponed the inevitable: I still have to accept my losses...and learn live without a really basic human need in my life.

I also really wish that therapy was helpful, too! But it is NOT...at least for me. I can, however, use their ideas and research...for my own purposes...but their professional interpersonal framework is not designed with people like me in mind. They want trust from "the client" which will evolve into dependency, for "people like me"...as the "therapeutic relationship" unfolds into this lop-sided power arrangement. For someone who has never been able to trust an authority figure with her heart/feelings, they are making a very tall order...and they DO NOT EVEN KNOW THIS! They try to access me by breaking down my defenses...they tell me I "intellectualize" too much. It takes me a long time to get to the level of trust that it takes to really let it out to them...and then, I have all of these feelings that I don't know what to do with...that are wild and painful...which then scares them...and leads them to DUMP me as a client. This results in my getting re-victimized/abandoned as I was as a child...and I get to lose some functionality...and get blamed for it! They don't care at this point, they just want out...they see potential litigation and professional conflagration...and emotional saturation...and they RUN RUN RUN far away from me. No time/room/safety/anything/place for me to understand and adjust to my emotional world at this level...unless it all gets done "on my own." As it was in my childhood.

There was a time in my life when my knees were rubbed raw for praying...in my youthful attempt at getting the "help from above." My prayers fell...as a tree in an empty forest...on no one's ears. Lots of well-meaning Christians offered me a home...and love...with lots of complicated conditions attached...some of them very dishonorable...and, if I made it difficult in ANY way, I was out of there so fast. Even if the difficulty was completely and totally out of my control...for example...if they had other kids and one of them was jealous of me. That was all it took. The best home I had was with a family that had 4 kids. Three were retarded and one was normal, which was my age. We were "best friends" and shared her bedroom...and her things...and her bathroom...and her bicycle...etc. I noticed that the warm mom was distancing herself from me...I could feel it. I asked her about it and she said I was "being silly." That night, I woke up at about midnight and heard the daughter yelling and crying about how perfect I was and how UN-perfect she was! I was beautiful and an honor student...and she was not....as I saw her mother holding her and heard her start to speak, I started packing my things and climbing out of the window...and making my way down that street. I never spent the night there again. They were the nicest people...and even they could not handle having me in their space without some sort of conflict. Today...I still keep in contact with them every year in a Christmas card. The husband and three of the 4 kids are dead now...there is just the daughter that is my age and her mom...and they are very close...and I am nice and far away...enough to give comfort with both my "closeness" and my distance. I know the pain of not having a mom...and I am not about to take someone else's mom....

My task right now is to understand that adequate mental health technology designed to help people like me is not available yet...and, oh, how I wish it was! How I wish that I could feel whole and loved and satisfied from deep inside...to feel like I am OK...and I can quit accommodating myself to others to get accepted into their world...like an orphan or a cheap whore...whether it be in a job or academics or otherwise. I am the "odd man out!" It is the way it is. It isn't going to change. I keep saying this so that I WILL get it! I absolutely NEED to get this.

Pam, you quote simply: "ask and ye shall receive." I say...how many times do you have to ask before you get it...and for how many years...?

Some people say that God always answers and that no answer is an answer. Ok. If this is true, than I must have done something to deserve this abandonment...and this is punishment just for me...to teach me something...only God knows...and will not tell me. It is a big secret. Or maybe it is a joke. Some people say that "the Chosen Ones" are chosen before they are born....does this mean that He didn't chose me...and that this is merely an exercise to show how Supreme He is....and how un-supreme I am? What could be the answer? I speak here with anger in my tone...only because it hurts to stand outside in the foodline with the poor and be told that there is food inside...when only some of us will be getting it. Not all of us. I am hungry and He is not feeding me...not only that, He doesn't care enough to answer me and tell me why....so MAYBE I could fix it...whatever I did to deserve this affliction.

My truth: There is only unfortunate circumstances for me here...and I just have to move on without this deeply basic human need met. I have to find ways to discharge the strong feelings that result from this lack in my life...in a socially acceptable way...preferrably in a way that does not reveal my affliction at all...so I do not earn the contempt of my friends and adversaries. There is no God...and therapy is only a health care technology...one that has not achieved the compassion required for people like me...in order to facilitate healing. We are the breakroom/conference party story fodder...for these humans that care only for those they can help...and get frustrated...even to the point of hatred...for those of us they cannot seem to help.

I stay highly functional when I stay away from these fantasies of love, acceptance, and help...from sources that are unable to deliver what they purport to be able to do.

March 12, 2003
2:43 pm
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I am nearly too intimidated to reply. Yet not -- I must.

I feel sadness when I read your above statement, to the effect that you must hide your true nature, or your true self, from others because they wouldn't or couldn't accept it. Do you have even one close friend with whom you can be yourself? How about your husband? I know I have 2 friends who are fiercely loyal, and it would be a dismal day indeed if I did not have them to unburden myself to. Surely there must be someone in your life with whom you can let the mask down?

I feel I must disagree with the inherent hopelessness found in your posts. I would instead venture to say that there is much goodness and light and peace in this world, and we need only to look for it. If you enter Versailles, and go around inspecting the gloomy corners, the faint smell of mustiness, and think of the sadness witnessed within its walls, you would walk out a very sad person indeed. However, if you enter with the opposite attitude you would be filled with wonder at the history of the place, the beauty and timeless elegance, and the meticulousness of the gardens. I really believe what makes all the difference is the mindset we take in, the attitude with which we choose to face life. Character is what we make of what life hands us.

In reading your posts, I find your style to be very intriguing. You certainly have a way with words, and you may deny it but you obviously have courage as well. To cut your hair all off requires courage, lots of it, in my book! 🙂

I do believe in God, and while that's my personal opinion, it certainly doesn't have to be yours. Your opinions are every bit as worthwhile as anyone else on here, and all I would like to do for you is listen and maybe give you a different viewpoint to think about? You don't have to like it, but I also intend to say a prayer for you. I wish I knew a way to tangibly help you but I don't know of one. Just know that you are always welcome here and I for one won't judge you. 🙂

March 12, 2003
3:32 pm
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I won't go as far as to say I'm intimidated (though it comes near that), but I sure am leery of being cast away as so much of this post is about that.

What I read is self pity. I don't read or hear sensible questions or needs being "asked". So yes, nothing will be received. What I read and hear are demands for fixes of historical events and ruminations of loss. I read about a person who has the brains and heart to pick up and do something, but someone who continues to grab the stone block and plunge under water where there is no air, and no light.

If you can't take life into your heart scherza, if you can't take yourself into your heart, then nothing can be received. No mother, therapist, person posting on this thread, here there or anywhere can fix that for you. I hear you, and wish you wouldn't be so quick to throw stones back at people who are attempting to understand and lead you toward some insight.

March 12, 2003
11:47 pm
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6FTBLND: Thank you for your contributions to me. Thank you for respecting our differences in belief. Thank you for your acceptance and for not judging me.

SC: I am sorry that you read self pity in my missives. I express grief over loss of a fantasy that kept me alive into adulthood...a necessary loss...and you see self pity. There are no fixes...only acceptance. Ruminations are also about acceptance...affirming to myself what happened...so I can accept it. There is no mother for me in this life...I am too old for this. People don't go around looking to adopt women in their 40's.... Therapy has been nothing but pain for me...the hope of some sort of healing...with lots of balls getting dropped. You are right though...no one can fix this for me. I do not expect that. This thread is about facing and accepting the loss of the dream....

March 13, 2003
12:15 am
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We all go back to those old wars, those old needs that never got filled, and those of us who are lucky enough to figure out what those wars actually are have a shot at finding peace in our adult lives. Those who keep blindly fighting childhood battles in adulthood are doomed to never find a solution that rings true for them. I applaud you for understanding what you were denied so long ago and for realizing that it left a hole in you. Knowledge is power, and "knowing is half the battle".

As both you and SC remark, you are doing a lot of notating as to what you missed in childhood. That's a terrible way to grow up, and no words I have in the dictionary can really describe that feeling of abandonment, that utter aloneness and feelings of "otherness" that come from not being accepted by a mom just for being born and being special. You deserved to feel special and loved. I hope that you know in your heart that you weren't denied this because of who you are... it truly was her inability to care for a child, NOT ANYTHING to do with you.

For the foster mom you had, do you think things could have played out differently? As women (and men), we have capacity for boundless love, especially for children. Who is to say that your foster mom wouldn't have boosted your foster sister's esteem in a way that didn't threaten you? Biological sisters get jealous of each other too. Why do you think things would have played out any differently if you had been born sisters to the same mother?

Is there a way to take the old dream and form it into a new dream, one that fits for a lady in her 40s? Are you a mother yourself? (I apologize if this is a hard question, I myself will never have kids due to a medical condition, so I'm honestly not trying to be insensitive here.) Maybe, through being a mom (or a big sister or a mentor) you might get to experience some of that love, fill some of those holes in you, although it might not be exactly the way you were hoping you would receive it.

Wishing you the best, Scherza.

March 13, 2003
12:19 am
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SC: OK, you have me thinking.... Let me list the things I have been unable to find in a professional therapist.

1) Someone who can just hear my pain...witness it...without trying to make it better...and with compassion.

2) Someone who is brave enough to hear my rage without taking it personally.

3) Someone who is compassionate enough to let me be with my dependency needs...and even misplace them onto them...so I can understand what it feels like to give them up...so I can learn HOW to give them up. Someone who can let me feel what I feel without making it mean anything about them...so I can change it in my head somehow.

4) Someone who cares enough about me to see through my tough exterior...to see the chicken shit parts...without losing respect for me...and even maybe still care about me.

5) Someone who knows the process of grief very well...and EXPECTS this therapeutic relationship to end with this as a goal...and with compassion.

6) Someone who is deadly honest with me...and not intimidated. If I fall in love with them, they can feel free to be sincere and say, "I am touched that you feel this way about me...please understand that I do not feel the same way. For me, this is a professional relationship and nothing more...and I really think that, for both our sakes, it is the best thing. I care about you as a person too much to make this anything more."

I have a "mother screen" in my eyes that developed the first time my mother abandoned me. It fell on every woman old enough to be "my mother." I adopted 500 mothers through the years.....none of them are around me on any regular basis today. Even today, though, my eyes keep trying to "find her," hoping that one day...maybe some elderly professor with no kids and missing that link in life would "take me under her wing." WHAT CRAP!!! I am ruining my career in my own head with such nonsense! The expectations are too much for anyone. I need to grow up and let this fantasy go.

Some kids get parents and some don't. I didn't and I am too old now...I am too old...and I am a parent, myself...a good one at that! But never will I have this for ME...I must GIVE it without having ever gotten it myself. This is hard indeed...but then my child makes it easy with her wondrous ways....

I am grieving this loss...the loss of the hope of a mother...and a Healer to help me deal with this. It seems that the requirements are above the level that Human Nature can deliver...! There is no fixing to be done here...only acceptance.

March 13, 2003
12:26 am
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GL: I don't know if things could have played out differently with the foster family. It didn't happen.

I am a mother now...and a good one...and it has helped me heal some. If anything else, it made me forget about myself for a while and think about someone else for a change. I am quite self-indulgent sometimes...and vain.

Thanks for your best wishes...

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