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I think I am codependentI
February 14, 2010
7:13 pm
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hakipuu
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I am codependent and very depressed about it. I am 53 and wish I knew sooner. My wife recently quit drinking 6 months ago. Is it possible she is codependent too? I am mad for living like this for so long. I read it is my upbringing but I cant seem to think my parentswould have done this to me. I have almost all the symptoms. Am i controlled by my spouse?

February 14, 2010
7:31 pm
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hakipuu
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Mor from me, why do i feel bad to have this label. Am I trying to control the people around me? I am never happy. I am happiest at work solving the companies problems. I do not like compliments, or appreciation. I only like work. My wife says I am mean, and I think she messes with my mind. She has drank since the day I met her. I too got caugt up in the drinking for about 10 years of our 30 year marriage but I quit all alcohol 8 years ago. I have no real friends, I am never invited to any friends house and I never invite anyone to my house. If someone invites me over I never call them back. I am lonley and sad most of the time. But I cant wait to go to work I get up at 4am to start my work day

February 14, 2010
7:51 pm
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yeahitsme
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READ, READ, READ....I never would have called myself controlling, just thought I was trying to make everyone else around me happy and screw myself! YUP, that's codependent! You don't have to abused or an abuser. Your wife's alcoholism can be a part of it. Melody Beattie and Pia Mellody have great books for healing and becoming a better YOU! I suggest these books to so many people that I come across and now to you. They also have books specifically for men out there but Beattie has touched on this in her books as well! Best Wishes!

February 14, 2010
8:22 pm
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hakipuu
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I already have that book and that is why I feel so bad and not sure what to do. I do not have any idea how to take care of myself I dont have any real interests other than work

February 14, 2010
8:48 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Well, it sounds like work sure keeps you busy! Work can be a drug too, like alcohol is to an alcoholic. Work lets one escape the realities of being oneself, which is HARD to do if you've never really been allowed to or allowed yourself to do it.

Hobbies and interests are great things to have. If you don't have any, it's a great opportunity now for you to find one or a few! It's like working with a blank slate. Consider it like solving one of your work challenges, or learning something new for work. It's just another project, this finding out something that excites you.

When you were a kid in school, can you remember any subjects you excelled in or just flat out enjoyed? Art? Gym? Math? English or a foreign language? Music or Band? Social Studies? This could be a clue to where some of your natural talents lie, and pursuing something in these areas just a little more deeply might spark you to go further.

And it's OK to be called "codependent". I firmly believe it's a behavior, *not* a disease, which means it can be unlearned. Rather than being discouraged by this label, you could adopt a different perspective, that you're not alone, and that others have been able to change behavior and lead happy, fulfilling lives!

February 15, 2010
3:32 pm
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StronginHim77
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Have you considered some private counseling/therapy to help you sort through some of your socialization and intimacy struggles?

The life you are leading sounds very isolated...and that's not healthy. My late husband was an alcoholic-turned-workaholic. He simply shifted addictions near the end of his life. But he avoided genuine intimacy (friendship & emotional closeness) with me, his children and the rest of the world by leaning on those crutch-like subsitutes of alcohol and work.

Sounds like you may be caught in the same trap. Please consider getting some help for yourself, to break free and find some genuine enjoyment and fellowship.

- Ma Strong

February 15, 2010
3:32 pm
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StronginHim77
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Have you considered some private counseling/therapy to help you sort through some of your socialization and intimacy struggles?

The life you are leading sounds very isolated...and that's not healthy. My late husband was an alcoholic-turned-workaholic. He simply shifted addictions near the end of his life. But he avoided genuine intimacy (friendship & emotional closeness) with me, his children and the rest of the world by leaning on those crutch-like subsitutes of alcohol and work.

Sounds like you may be caught in the same trap. Please consider getting some help for yourself, to break free and find some genuine enjoyment and fellowship.

- Ma Strong

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