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i think he has began the games
September 18, 2005
5:51 pm
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daphne_flower
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I wrote a little while again in a different thread. I hadnt written for about a week....... i went back to him.

I knew i was doing the wrong thing, but at this point in mylife, i didnt have the strength to break away. He knows he has issolated me from my family and friends, I just dont know what to do. I went back, and things were find for a few days. Then oneday he wanted me to pay for this long distance call. I knew 1 week before he had $80 credit on his fone so i asked him why he wanted me to pay when he had this much, and he said he spent it all, then he just started yelling. I didnt have a problem paying, i was just asking a question and he went crazy. Further phone calls later were more yelling from him (3 separate calls), and i had the fone hung up 2 times in my face. Anyway the next day i refused to take his calls (i was afraid he wud hang up in my face again) and that hurts alot. Eventually i gave in, and with 2 minutes of the call, he was yelling at me, and hung up in my face again.

Now i feel he has learnt how to manipulate me. He could never do it before as i kept very staunch, but now he knows EVERY little secret of my life, and what hurts me, so now he does this.

September 18, 2005
5:56 pm
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daphne_flower
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My question is, how do i know play into the games. He knows exactly what hurts me, but how do i make that stuff NOT hurt me. So he cant control me anymore. He knows what to do, to get me running back. I can SEE the logic, but i dont know how to fix it 🙁

I know i can not reason with him, or try to get him to understand. Nothing works to a person like this. But believe me, i am totally alone. I have like one friend, and my family doesnt want to know about me since i got involved with this guy. Its like they told me "leave him", and because i didnt, they dont want to know about it. Its hard to leave a person when you dont have any other support network. I am not in a big town, so i cant really join groups or make other friends. Its totally issolating & he knows this too.

September 18, 2005
6:08 pm
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gingerleigh
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Awareness is the first step, realizing that how you are being treated is not ok. And for the record, it's much easier to see bad choices that others make and very difficult for us to pull ourselves out of our own.

You have internet access... what about trying an online service like Friendster to start meeting others?

September 18, 2005
7:36 pm
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daphne_flower
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I can see, but i cant pull myself out. I just get stuck in the situation of crying. I try to hide it from my family and friends, and he now takes satisfaction in my pain. The other day i was crying, and he calls me up, i had to hold my breath just to not cry incase someone else was calling, but it was him, he justs says "your not crying", and hangs up in my face. I cant take this anymore. I dont have the strength to live with his cruelty, and i dont have the strength to stick it out alone. I never used to cry, but the past 3 years are all coming out now. I have to live with the constant flash backs, i feel like i am going crazy, or having some mental break down.

September 18, 2005
7:53 pm
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kc30
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Daphne
Honey, you need to get away from this man. Wouldn't it be better to be alone than to continuously subject yourself to his abuse and continue to be victimized by him? Being in a victim role sucks away your confidence and sense of self...breaking free will change your life.

I read somewhere that we will not leave an unhealthy relationship until the other person treats us even worse than we treat ourselves. The fact that he can abuse you the way he does, and you still stay, would tell me that you don't believe you deserve any better for your life.

IMHO- your first step would be to get to work on loving and respecting yourself...on believing that you are a beautiful, worthy person who is special and deserves kindness, compassion and love. When you start to believe in yourself, your standards will get higher, and you will no longer tolerate people in your life who hurt you.

The fact that you are aware of what you are doing is HUGE! But knowledge of the ways you play into it, and the ways you let yourself be victimized, doesn't mean you instantly change. I think codependancy is learned from childhood, and it's hard to unlearn those patterns. BEing able to see it is the most important step. There are resources available to help you get to the next step...changing the behaviours.

Learning to love yourself and believe you are worthy is your ticket out. YOu don't deserve to be treated like shit, abused, yelled at, disrespected and hung up on. This man is toxic, and he will continue to erode all self respect from you. Believe you deserve better sweetie, because you DO!

Don't give up on your family and friends just yet either. If they thought this man was unhealthy, and didn't want you with him, and that's why they pulled away, it's likely they love you very much, and simply couldn't endure watching you settle for less than you deserve.

I've been in the same situation with friends in the past...but when I finally hit bottom, and realized that I needed them, they were there.

I can promise you that you will always find love and support on this board. I'm so sorry you are living with this pain right now. But please believe you deserve better. HE may not realize it and may not be able to give you what you deserve, but it's not your job to make him see that. YOU need to believe it, and when you start to, your life will change.

Baby steps...do you have any of Melody Beattie's books? I personally have found the tools I need for recovery in "The Language of Letting Go". When I first started to read it, I coudln't really wrap my head around a lot of the concepts, like detachment, but over time, as I started to recovery, they would sink in deeper and deeper.

I think coming here and talking openly is your first step to healing...good for you! I hope you'll keep posting. You deserve so much better than what you are getting.

peace

kc

September 18, 2005
8:23 pm
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lessthanalive
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much love to you right now daphne, i know this pain. i was with a very simmilar man for about nine years and finally about a month ago, he left me. i never had the courage or the self respect to do it. so now i dive into the shark infested waters of self discovery because i have to in order to survive and i wish i would have been the one to leave. this man does not truely love you and you know that. this relationship is doing more damage that good and you know that too. meybe it is time to work on a relationship that will be constatnly rewarding and fullfilling and loving and that is the one with yourself. its going to be hard and scarry but wonderfull beyoind measure. its called the road less travled for a reason. there is alot of support just on this site alone and you can do this. hugs...

September 19, 2005
9:01 am
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shyshy
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Daphne, LEAVE HIM!! Cry if you need to and grieve. And you will grieve, but know that you are not going to die over this. It won't be easy but you WILL be ok and know that it WILL pass.

Unlike staying with him and the constant emotional turmoil, the pain of not being with him will end and you will eventually feel better! Alot better.

I split from my husband of 15 years and last as long as we did for the same reason. I have very little friends and no family.

It was really really hard at the beginning and I cried myself to sleep nearly every night for a couple of weeks but eventually it got better and I do not regret it. Where would I be now if I was still with him?? Still depressed and hurt and an emotional mess. I'm a much stronger woman now with goals I didn't have before and I'm doing a whole lot better emotionally and financially.

Take that big step to leave him and then take one day at a time. You won't regret it!!

September 19, 2005
10:28 am
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Regret
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Daphne,

First I am sorry that you are going through this pain. My suggestion is that you leave this man ASAP. It is not going to be easy- but no one said it would.

Get in touch with your family. Except for abusive families, I always tend to think that family is family. Being around them will certainly help you to get away from this man. Then, I agree with all the posts here that you will need to work on yourself. But first, get in touch with your family and then back off him.

Best wishes

September 19, 2005
1:23 pm
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"He knows exactly what hurts me, but how do i make that stuff NOT hurt me" -

You can only get "immune" to his games by becoming inhuman yourself. Do you wanna become just like him ?

His words or actions should hurt you precisely because you are (only) human - its time for you to start rewarding ... THAT.

if you don't show your hurt by his words or actions you're actually covering up the damaging effect of his (abusive or toxic) behavior. It's like saying that its allright. Because you don't let yourself be there when you condone this kind of behavior. You don't tell him "who" you are. So you end up always being the one having to buckle under. If you really wanna change, start here. Try break this pattern of habit. Because it doesn't serve you anymore.

Usually - the person who sees to it that you're not getting hurt is acting respectful of you, the one who tries to take advantage of your weak points, doesn't - he's just treating you in an exploiting manner.

September 19, 2005
2:19 pm
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CAMER
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i agree with all the posts...get rid of this guy...he doesn't sound like a good man....and its true what Shyshy said...you will not die without this man, but yes you will grieve and cry, thats all part of breaking up, and then you will come out stronger in time.

September 19, 2005
2:35 pm
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taj64
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Hi. I think if you knew you did wrong by going back, this really is a blessing, though you think you made a mistake. It made you open your eyes and you are aware so this really is a good thing. It is a painful process to break up. Many hurt feelings but it is ok to be hurt and angry. It is all part of the process. In the long run, you will be better off without this man who causes you misery. You can have a man that will do better for you, not cause you to cry and be mentall abusive to you. You're not alone if you build a love relationship with yourself. Living alone peacefully and happily is better than living unhappily with someone else. Hang in there.

September 19, 2005
5:16 pm
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daphne_flower
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Thanks for all your advice. It is helping heaps. I used to be so stuck in the cycle of trying to get him to understand what he was doing to me. I actually just laughed wen i got some text messages from him last night. They told me he was coming to town and we could meet up "if i wanted". He would be the one to hurt me yet he would set up that "playing hard to get". Playing being the key word, as it was always a game and i played right into his hands. I would always run back to him and talk, and he would feel good. Well this time, for the first time, i ignored the fact he was coming to town. Im so surprised with myself as usually as soon as i knew he was coming, i would crumble at the knees and have to make places with him, incase he made other plans and didnt see ne. But this time, i didn't care. I ignored his texts. I realise, if HE wanted to talk, he should come out and say "i would like to talk to you". Instead of making out like he doesnt give a dam and having me run after him to boost his ego.

I'm going to the library tonight to get out some of the books mentioned on these posts and other ones.

I wanted to share something that has been helping me recently. Probably many of you already realise it:
There is no point explaining, or trying to get your abusive partner to understand that they are hurting you. Dont justify your feelings or thoughts. Dont try to tell your partner they are wrong, (even though they are, they wont listen). A solution to all these messes doesnt sit with fixing your partner...... it starts with YOU. Make yourself feel better. Listen to your feelings and give justification to them. I am realising the best thing i can do is comfort myself. Sure i have had the tears, but it is really starting to work.

I am hoping this time i am not just fooling myself...... meaning he is coming back to me, trying to talk.... and many times in the past i feel better at these times, but then go on a low again when he is cruel. I hope this time i am strong no matter what he does.

September 19, 2005
7:20 pm
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Anonymous
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daphne - you hit the nail on the head.

there is NO point in telling him how he is hurting you. there is NO point in explaining.

a healthy partner would see your tears and if he didn't already figure it out, would have the compassion to ask what he did wrong and then do what he could to remedy it and prevent it from happening again.

your partner seems hell bent on "crazymaking" and gets some stupid satisfaction from it and even checks to see if his plans are working (the phone calls to see if you are crying). this is crazymaking - and he is enjoying every minute of it.

these type of people don't give a rat's ass if they are hurting you - so why waste your breath telling them.

instead, use the energy to retain no contact and focus on other things that bring you joy.

you recognize his patterns - and like many people here - many of us will fall into his trap a few more times. but each time - the crazymaking lasts less and less and affects us less and less - until some day, it doesn't affect us at all. that's when you know you got him beat.

know that the more he sees it not affecting you - the more he will turn up the volume - trying to get a reaction out of you at any cost. they say sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. they become little kids having a temper tantrum cuz mommy won't give into their noisy tantrums anymore.

you didn't say so - so I will ask - do you have caller ID? if not, it might be worth the $4.95 investment - so that you can ignore his calls. Some call phones and home phone systems can block certain numbers - but this won't do much good if he tries using someone else's phone - best to get caller ID and don't answer it unless you know WHO IT IS - if you don't know the number - let it go to voice mail. Have someone trusted answer your voice mail if you don't know if it could be him or not - let them listen to the message and delete it without you hearing it if it is him and his crazymaking.

you are on the right track - keep chugging along.

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