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I thing somethings wrong with me
April 17, 2001
12:18 am
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salna
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Hi There,
I was sexually abuse as achild, later about 2 years ago I was rape.
Now I have this feeling that all this guys one from me is sex. I am being to feel that I am worth nothing more that sex. I sometimes wonder what is it I am doing wrong, what message I am sending out that says that I am only worth having ses with. I have never had a real relationship i am 26 years old. Why can't i be in a stable relationship like everybody else? relationship

April 17, 2001
11:08 am
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grass
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oh sweetie! you are doing nothing, absolutely nothing wrong! Your story sounds like almost a replica of mine. You are worth so much more than sex...I know you don't feel that way right now, but thats what "they" want you to believe, well it's a BIG FAT LIE.
Salna, right back, I want to talk with you about this, I understand.

April 17, 2001
11:14 am
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lisa78640
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Dear Salna

First of all have you gotten counseling for the child abuse and rape. If not please get yourself into a group counseling session. It will do wonders. First start with healing yourself before you can enter into a real relationship. It sounds like you haven't taken the time to heal from your past. I have learned that it take time to heal from things like that speaking from a personal experience. I have now been married for 9 years and have been through everything you have in the past. You must deal with all that you might be hidden inside yourself. There are feelings that you may not have dealt with, therefore you feel that you are not worthy of much more than sex because that is what you may associate with love. You may think to get someone to like you, you have to have sex with them, this is not true. You must remember that you are a wonderful person and you deserve more than that. You deserve someone to love you for who you are not what you can do for them. As my daddy once said "hang in there kiddo everything will work it self out" good luck on your journey and may God bless you in every way.
let me know how you are doing
lisa

April 17, 2001
3:34 pm
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Ladeska
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Salna....well, No. 1 - there are no fairy tale relationships, so to be in something "like everyone else" is in reality - not what you might imagine in your head. (smile) We all struggle here, some more than others. But we all have our issues at different times in our lives. And unfortunately, sexual abuse is a much larger blight in our society than we are willing to admit and to really address. There can be no good averages or statistics on it because - people don't talk that much or report things. But from what I see and know about - it's at least 8 out of 10 that have experienced something traumatic, even if it was one time. And "one time" can send alot of people over the edge for a long time.

But, whether or not you've gotten counseling - you're obviously saying here that you're not functioning well, so - there hasn't been much healing in your life up to now. And a large part of getting the ball rolling with that is to go through an identification process - whereby you nail down - where you are....who you are....how you feel. You have to throw things up on the blackboard in order to be able to see all this - instead of sitting in the funnel cloud going - what's going on here?

We as human beings, do give off "vibes' so to speak. I think if we really knew what was up - there would be so many things that we subconsiously pick up about another person by things we don't even recognize we see, hear, smell and discern about another person. But, what I know of sexual abuse victims....until they have a large amount of healing in their lives.....they do give off something that basically says - I'm vulnerable in this area and to the predators in this world - they smell that and they track you, so to speak. AND....you will be subconsciously drawn to them because they remind you of your perpetrator and they validate your basic belief - about who you are. Now, this can be a total lie - but if you have "believed it - say, as a child, with a child's mind and heart" - you're going to seek validation from other sources that this is indeed true. And time and time again - you will seek this validation and those people who are really not worhy of you at all - will answer and go Heck Yeah, this is true - let me kick you again!

Trouble is.....we are also creatures of resolution....which means that we seek to fix what was broken in us and most often before we really know what we are doing or why.....we go right for people that remind us of the perpetrator, especially if they were a trusted person to us - and we seek to involve them with us....so that.....we can eventually fix the problem, right everything....

We can finally change them and be the one responsible for that - therefore gaining worth.....or we can change ourselves in an effort to be good enough for this person to "finally" love us and not hurt us anymore....mind you.....this is all how a "child" might think... And we do all this subconsiously - basically going back again and again for more abuse from different people. And we feel compulsive about doing it and to keep doing it - until......we are the one's who fix it!!! That's codependent behavior....that is basically saying...."I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, IT WAS MY FAULT, THEREFORE - I NEED TO FIX IT."

A child thinks that way......when something that they can't handle happens to them and especially if it's sexual abuse and is from a trusted person in their life - they immediately go - I loved them, thought they loved me, they don't know, they hurt me - then I guess I did something wrong and was bad. So, now I need to fix it somehow.

And sure - you're going to run around life going "what in blue blazes am I doing????" Do I have a freaking tattoo or mark on my back that says Kick Me? Well.....because you have alot of particular places of wounding that are still open and bleeding - yes, you're going to have a particular smell to particular people. And if you're not "aware" of this - you might even be flattered by it and allow yourself to "be the one that gets picked" in relationships. Which is a huge no-no. That's how predators work. They know the ones that are blinded and they go in for the kill with them. They know this on a subconscious level, primal level even. And, to make matters worse, if you identify with them because they have familiar traits in some ways of the one who hurt you - then you'll be blindly drawn to them and won't even know why.

I tell you all this because - knowledge is power and you need to understand the mechanics here of what's up with you so that you don't think you're going crazy. You're not. You're acting very normally. You're being a good student in the classroom - you were taught in. Well....it's time to be in "another classroom" and start getting wise - and unlearning some of this stuff - because a whole lot of lies have been planted inside of you because of trauma that a little girl swallowed and thus became law and a foundation on which - you built your life.

The foundation is crumbling now..... Why? Because it was very faulty - and not one of "truth". So time to waste it. Tear it out and build it over again. If you want to do that - it can be done, but you have to be willing to opt out of the lies and to become a product of "truth". So, are you ready to do that?

April 18, 2001
5:55 pm
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salna
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Thank you all for replying.
IIt,s nice to know that someone do understand. And thank you for not juding. I ham in counselling right know, but it,s so hard opening up that i remain sil;ent most of the time. sometimes I wish I did not have to go through all of this. You know ithas happen and you still have to talk about it, it get me so irate.
But i guess I will make it through
Thank you very very muchLisa,Ladeska,and Gras
May God Bless you all

April 18, 2001
6:14 pm
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Ladeska
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Salna....maybe you need a different counselor, one that makes you feel more comfortable. And journaling will you, too. It's great therapy and helps to go back over and read as you move and see things and how far you've come, too. Alot of times, our mind is so jumbled and we forget memories - that it's VERY useful to write down things "when" we remember them and keep them all in one book. Also reading anything you can get your hands on about all this - is helpful as well. The more educated you become - the more you can help yourself. You need to be in group therapy. Would help you tremendously. Hang in there and "stick with it". You need to heal and you CAN. (smile)

April 18, 2001
6:19 pm
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salna
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Thank you
I will keept in touch I am actually smiling. Continue be good.

April 18, 2001
7:42 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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I don't think it anymore, I know it!

Some great advice here, blessings and peace to you all:)

Love,
Kimberly Anne

April 18, 2001
11:23 pm
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grass
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🙂 I'm glad that you are seeking help. I know it is hard to open up, but it is the only way to healing. Start here if you like.
I believe that you will get healing, I sense a sweetness about you, you have a pure heart that will one day pour out the love inside like a fresh spring.

April 19, 2001
10:47 pm
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salna
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Hi Gras and all
do you know what it's like to feel used above anything else. I am so angry at him for doing what he did and most of all for denying it we confronted by his sister, to make it wordt he is schizophrenic and he hadn,t bath for days I am this is so replusive makes you feel so degraded and dirty. To make ven worst he even started buring himself up with cig. making me feel so guilty like it,s my fault. Even he acts like I am the one who did something wrong. I am reaaly feeling confused and fraustrated. I need to stop having this flashbacks and smelling this awful smell. I don,t thing i can go on. if you are there right now please respond
thanks

April 22, 2001
12:36 am
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salna
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Hi gras and/or ladeska
I need to converse with one of you how do i get in touch with you.
peace salna

April 22, 2001
11:12 pm
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grass
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IF you meant converse over e-mail, I'll give you my e-mail address: [email protected]
You can contact me there 🙂
I would say more right now, but I need to get some sleep. Talk to you later. 🙂

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