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I Suppose I Asked for It!
January 10, 2007
8:40 am
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shyshy
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Friday night my bf was over and to make a long story short, we got into an argument and he became violent. He didn't hit me but he was yelling and screaming in my face and throwing and breaking things.

My daughter was in the house with her friends and he wouldn't leave so I had her call the cops. By the time they got there he was gone. The cop said to me if they didn't pick him up that night a warrant would be issued.

He called me and we talked and he asked if he could come by and apologize to my daughter and her friends. I agreed he could come by after checking with my daughter's friends parents. He came by and brought pizza. We ate and waited about ten minutes or so till my daughter's friends got home. About 5 minutes after they got home I hear a knock on the door. I answered it thinking it was them but it wasn't. It was the cops. Three patrol cars. They asked if he would come out and talk and they cuffed him. I asked them how come they didn't pick him up on Friday when he was being violent and the only thing they could say was "we're here now"

I took a ride up to the police station and spoke with the sargeant and asked him why didn't they pick him up on Friday. Why today at MY house? It was embarassing and it upset my daughter even more! He says they couldn't pick him on on Friday because he lives in a different town so they needed a warrant. The warrant was signed that afternoon and rather than go to his town and pick him up they decided to check my house first and he just so happened to be there.

I was told by someone else a warrant usually takes a couple of months to get a signature on. I'm wondering now if maybe one of the neighbors called.

Anyway, he bailed himself out with promise to appear. He's going to court today. He's asking me to please forgive him, he's going to quit everything he does, he wants a chance to prove himeself to me and my kids and make us happy, he wants to do all the things we've talked about doing together yada yada yada.

I'm caught between letting him back in my life and telling myself I have lost my mind! I cannot gamble with my kids future!

Someone please offer some words of wisdom.

January 10, 2007
9:15 am
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reachingout
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The best advise is your last statment.
Cannot gamble with my kids future
You know the right thing to do.Best of luck to you

January 10, 2007
9:22 am
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taj64
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I agree I think you know what to do but it doesn't hurt to have it reinforced. How long have you been with this man? Has he ever done this before? I would think once would be enough. Time and time again a man can beg for forgiveness etc, but how much do you take before you realize that this is not right, that you deserve better than to have a man treat you badly especially in front of your kids. He has an anger problem, will he get help?

January 10, 2007
10:00 am
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shyshy
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I've been with this man for over four years. He has been abusive before but never with my kids at home. Except for one other time when my daughter was sleeping and she slept through it all.

He is a cocaine user and when he mixes it with alcohol it always causes an argument for one thing or another.

He is claiming he will get help for it through out patient counseling and will stop using. He also wants to stop drinking.

January 10, 2007
10:07 am
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taj64
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My ex husband was/is an alcholic and he also was addicted to coke. I think you should get out of this. It is not worth it, believe me. The alchohol and coke problem is enough but add abuse on top, it just is not worth all this craziness. If you stay with him, then your daughters could end up with men like this as they think it is ok. I doesn't sound very promising. And haven't four years been enough? Sign, I feel for you. I would not blame the alchol or coke on the abuse though. It might enhance it but it just is what it is, a person who has anger issues. And also other problems as well. You deserve better, don't you think? So do your girls. Think long and hard. Good luck.

January 10, 2007
10:09 am
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shyshy
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Thanks Taj and reaching! I really appreciate your input. This is going to be very hard for me!

January 10, 2007
10:27 am
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risingfromtheashes
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shy, perhaps you need a support group you can gain strenght thru?

coda or al-anon are great places to see that you are not alone, to learn about yourself and gain strength to face the challenges ahead.

I think that if you feel you are gambling with your kids well being, then that's the ONLY answer you need.

Of course, you are gambling with your OWN well being, but if it means more that the kids will be hurt, then use that as your source of strength.

Things have escalated. And if he does NOT get help, it will KEEP escalating...cuz eventually, he is going to be VERY bitter that you had him arrested....it may not surface today but eventually.

Now, if he DOES get help, he has to do it on his own, for his own reasons.

Cuz, if a person stops using because of you, he will RESUME using BECAUSE of you...meaning the minute you let him down, he will think he is justified going back cuz he quit for you and you didn't meet the expectations he had in return. so, he'll start using and say it's all your fault.

Let him quit...let him stay clean for a year...THEN see how you feel.

Cuz it's going to be a long hard road for him...and there is no reason you have to stand by him and suffer with him....he made this mess, let him clean it up.

Plus, it's not teaching your kids that your safety is more important than anything else.

AND, the other friend's parents may not allow their children to come to your home anymore, if there is a risk he will be there...so your kids may lose friends over this....I know you don't want that.

January 10, 2007
10:58 am
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shyshy
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Thanks rising. Well I just got a call from the lady he saw before he sees the judge. She asked me a series of questions on whether or not there has been a history of violence with him etc.

We agreed to a partial restraining order and he cannot come to the house with any alcohol or having had any alcohol in him within the previous 24 hours or he will be in violation. He also has to go to anger management classes as well as substance abuse counseling.

They will be reviewing his case again in April and if he has not attended the classes etc he will be incarcerated for five years.

She also told me that I will be getting a visit from DCF and they will be talking with me and the kids. That's the end of that!! That made up my mind for me!!

I will let him come to the house and work on his truck to get it running and out of the house when no one is home and that is all.

January 10, 2007
11:09 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I also think he needs to be clean from drugs or alcohol for aleast ayear and has gotten plenty of help before you even consider he is ok for yourself and your children... because notting changes with words only actions have results. Lots of Luck horsefly

January 10, 2007
11:13 am
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risingfromtheashes
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it's an eye opener when we realize what we are risking by having these men in our lives.

and we don't even realize it until it's almost too late.

because you called the cops on him, you covered your butt...if DCF had gotten involved BEFORE this, it could have been more trouble.

Tell the kids to make sure they are honest, don't hide anything and don't protect anyone...that they aren't helping by covering for him.

And you continue to be honest...cuz the only way you will see how bad this is, is if you are honest.

And DCF being involved is a HUGE signal that this is bad news and time to walk away.

Also remember that it's not YOUR job to monitor his progress, that's THEIR job...if he doesn't comply, he pays the price...don't mother him and push him to go...let it be and let him make HIS choices...if he goes to jail, that's HIS problem. If I was in your shoes, I would probably nag him to make sure he goes...cuz I would want him to get clean so we could have a future...but the reality is, only he can make that decision...and he has to make it WITHOUT your involvement.

He knows what the consequences will be, it's up to him to make sure he doesn't have to go to jail.

I hope you find the strength to stick to your guns and get him out of your life...you and the kids deserve better.

One more thing - about consequences.

I will not say you are a bad mom or that you did this on purpose.

But understand that DCF is getting involved cuz you allowed him in your home, even tho you knew the kind of guy he was, and what his problems are.

So, in effect, you are facing the consequences of allowing him in your life, in your home and around your kids.

Know that you will see this thru, and face these consequences, as painful as they are.

And also know that HE is not responsible for DCF being involved, you are. You allowed him to be there.

So, when you are evaluating what you have control over and what you don't....remember, you control who comes into your home, your life, your heart and your children's lives.

You don't control their drug use, alcohol use, etc.

So, if they use, then the smart thing is to NOT let them in. You control ONLY that.

if you let them in, there are consequences.

I suspect the DCF thing will be ok and nothing bad will come of it, but it IS a wake up call.

And when you try to "rescue" him from HIS consequences (jail time and rehab) realize HE chose that path, so HE faces those consequences, just like you face yours.

Again, not trying to make you feel bad....cuz I think you are probably doing a good bit of being angry already.

Just know what it is that you control and what is not within your control.

January 10, 2007
11:35 am
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shyshy
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I'm not getting involved in any of his rehab etc and I have no intention of returning to him in the future if he gets clean.

So, like you said, if he fails that's his own fault. The last 20 years of my life have been like one big giant nightmare full of sorrow and bad choices. First my parents died of cancer and then all of my brothers died one by one till there is only one left now. During all this I managed to get involved and marry a gay man AND last 15 years of marriage with him through all of HIS ups and downs. I get divorced and end up dating his brother of all people!! This is the man that I am speaking of now. Four and a half years later this is what the consequences of my choices are.

I feel like I need to start my life all over again and do it right this time! Finally come to grips with the fact that all I really have to depend on is ME and it's ME that determines what the next 20 years of my life will look like.

If you pray, please pray for me. That's another thing I need to do. Find my spiriauality again but that's another thread.

January 10, 2007
11:36 am
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atalose
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I would re-think the part about letting him come to your house to work on his truck, even if no one is at home. I'd tell him, get the truck towed off of my property.

5 Years?? sounds like something more going on then just domestic violence, there is a history or something else going on.

Good suggestions here for you to gain a support group. Al-anon or nar-anon would be a great sourse of support for you.

In regards to DCF, I'm sure that is because you only agreed to a partial restraining order. They view it as, you still allowing this man to be around and in contact with your children. Even with stipulations on the order, you are still allowing the possibility of harm to come to your children. Not that you are, they view it that way....

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 10, 2007
11:38 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I believe Risingfromtheashes has covered alot and I totally support what she has said..Remember you are not responsible for him. I have always gotten myself in problem by feeling too responsible for the wrong people....horsefly

January 10, 2007
11:59 am
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shyshy
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Wow, I didn't even think about the five year thing. Now that makes me wonder. According to him this is the first time he has ever been arrested for domestic violence but I know for sure he was violent with the mother of his kids too though.

I thought that by allowing the partial order they would think the opposite. I can always change it though.

The problem with having his truck towed off my property is that he took the transmission down and I don't even know if it's in the truck, under the truck or what. Besides that, he's still driving my truck, he has no transportation, no money now because he used it to bail himself out and nowhere to work on his truck to get it running.

Not my problem I know. Any suggestions?

January 10, 2007
12:16 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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no, not your problem.

Ask for you truck back, put down your foot.

Tell him if he does NOT return it, then you will call the cops and report it stolen.

He will likely throw a tantrum like a little kid, guilting you by saying "how can I get to my meetings now" and such.

But again, not your problem and not yours to fix.

He made his bed, let him lie in it.

Tow trucks HAVE flat beds, no matter WHAT the condition of his truck, it CAN be moved....then he just has to move the parts/transmission, if it is on the ground as you say it may be.

Give him a week to turn it around, or a day, whatever you are comfortable with and feel is reasonable - a week is the max I would personally give him.

If he gives you any grief, call the police and have them help you sort it out.

Honestly, if you are not going to stay with him, the truck has to be returned to you...NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

And I am sure the social worker would tell you the same.

You can take your truck back anytime...it's not his, you own it and you don't owe HIM anything.

And I am sure you made a huge impression by having him carted away this weekend, I am sure he won't chance having that done again.

But if you have to, you have to.

Also, another option is - if you see it somewhere, like his work, you can have it towed to your house...and have the ignition and locks changed....he's gonna be pissed, but it will avoid the confrontation of asking for it back.

I did this with my brother...tried to find him, tried to find my car...couldn't find either....saw it in a parking lot...paid to have it towed home (he had only set of keys and turns out it wasn't running anyway)...he was livid, my folks got mad cuz I left him stranded, but in the end, it was MY CAR, and I wanted it back.

You are well within your rights to demand he return it.

January 10, 2007
12:38 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I am glad to hear you are questioning the 5 yr. thing. I question that myself. I know I had asked alot of questions about this man early on and then ignored those red flags. horsefly

January 10, 2007
12:48 pm
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atalose
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I would think about changing the restraining order to a full restraining order. That will help you stay away from him as well, break the cycle of sorts.

You should start to look at his situation as just that, HIS SITUATION, the fact he has no transportation is really not your responsibilty. He has no money due to his own behavior.

you need to step back and view this whole situation from outside the box. You knew his history with the mother of his kids, violence is a part of that history. Now, knowing that, you ignored it for what ever reason and the results of ignoging that is why you are dealing with what's accuring right now. At this point, you need to be saying to yourself, MY CHILDREN and MYSELF are what's most important, not making excuses for him or feeling sorry for him because he has no transportation or money due to his own behavior.
DCF is going to be really questing all this and your own behavior as well. They know this flip flop all too well,woman who hang on to bad men and bad relationships and the children get stuck in the middle.
They are advocates for your children, not for you or for him.
It sounds like yout thinking in getting a partial restrining order might work best for HIM and not let HIM appear so bad in the courts eyes by you allowing partial contact with the kids.
The best thing you can do is really think about this whole situation. If you are sitting on the fense not really sure which direction to go in, either letting him go for your own and your childrens sake or help him avoid jail or lesson his consequences for his bad actions. It's a life changing discussion you'll be making that will effect you and your children for the rest of your lives.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 10, 2007
1:06 pm
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shyshy
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I had asked him once if he had ever hit his ex and he responded with no. I found out later his no meant that he hadn't "hit" her he just shoved her and grabbed her by the neck a few times. But he didn't "hit" her.

I thought about the full protective order to keep me away from him and then I thought "what if I simply can't? Then what?" So I decided on the partial.

I'm scared. Scared that his pleading and crying is going to drag me back in, scared that DCF is going to find something bad that I am totally unaware of the fact that I'm doing and take my kids and scared that I can't make it without a man in my life! I'm scared of what may lie on the other side of the fence!

January 10, 2007
1:08 pm
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shyshy
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I also feel extremely guilty when I can help someone and I choose not to. It always comes back to me one way or another.

January 10, 2007
1:20 pm
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atalose
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I understand your scared, right now this has to be so overwhelming for you.
Take one thing at a time, don't try and think to far down the road.
It's possible there are things in his backgroud that will surface during all this. As far as them taking your kids, you did act in there best interest by calling the police and obtaining the partial order. I think they will be concerned the most about what your plans in relationship to this man will be because that effects the children.
I would strongly suggest you get some books on co-dependency, look for co-dependency meetings in your area or seek counseling for yourself and your kids.
You need to figure out why you think and feel so little about yourself that you would allow a man used shoved and pushed you, a man who uses drugs and alcohol to come back into your life, FOR WHAT???
How about allowing him to really work on his own problems, get clean and sober and deal with his coming court case like a real man then after 90 days or so, see if you still feel the same about him. I can tell you this, when and if he gets clean and sober, he's not going to be the same man. If he chooses sobrity and uses a plan and meetings, he will be advised NOT to get into any kind of relationships for 1 year. It's hard to understand but it's even harder to work on being sober and work on a strained relationship at the same time.
I will help give you as much support as I possible can with this and I'm sure many of the others will too.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 10, 2007
1:28 pm
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shyshy
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It's so nice to have you all to talk to. I think I would go crazy if I didn't! My daughter asks me how I am so strong? Isn't that funny?

Thank you for being there for me and I will keep you posted.

January 10, 2007
1:35 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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shy, first put the kids first.

They WILL thank you for it later.

If you put him first, you may not get thanked, by him or anyone.

Let him deal with his own problems, including his lack of transportation.

Keep reminding yourself of what YOU stand to lose in all this - YOUR KIDS.

You know you don't want to lose your kids...so keep telling yourself that if you don't stand up to him, you may just lose them.

It's probably not THAT drastic and chances are you won't lose them NOW...but if you keep going with this man, you may lose them. And maybe it won't be DCF taking them...maybe you will just lose the good relationship you have with them or lose them to their own bad behaviours that they learn from being around him.

In the end, putting your children at risk is the ONLY thing that matters.

January 10, 2007
2:05 pm
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shyshy
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Thanks rising!

January 10, 2007
6:45 pm
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revelation
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Hi...I didn't have any time to read anyone posts...but nobody asks for it. Please don't let this man back.

Can you do me a favour and google "Battered woman syndrome" and read up about it...I won't tell you anymore but just read up about it and let me know what you think.

Rev.

January 12, 2007
1:43 pm
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lovetocrochet
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I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this shyshy. I agree with what everyone else is saying. Get him out of your life, and your kids' lives, ASAP. He has a history and he's only going to get more dangerous... he may have said he's sorry but he's also desperate now that he's been caught in the act so he'll probably say anything to get in your good graces.

I also agree that any problems he deals with in respect to transportation or how the court case turns out is not your problem, it's his. It's called consequences for being irresponsible. Have your truck towed back and then tell him he's not welcome to darken your doorstep ever again... and I might look into having that partial restraining order fleshed out into one that orders him to respect this.

Just my two cents...

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