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I started something terrible- 2bhappy
January 26, 2008
3:28 am
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2BHAPPY
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Ok..so I am over the young fireman and I am not corresponding with him anymore. But I must say that I have been writing to someone else for close to 2 years and he doesnt know who I am at all. We actually met online through a popular site. I saw his picture and I wrote to him immediately. I didnt get a response right way..I looked on another dating site and there he was again..so I wrote to him there..of course with a different ID. He finally responded to my first one so I stopped writing on the 2nd site. We talked for hours and hours and he seemed to be a really nice man..A captain with the fire dept. near me (so I have a preference for firemen) for a few weeks we talked on the phone and made tentative plans to meet. He told me all about himself and was very open..no secrets at all..At the time he was going through a divorce..had been separated for several years. So we made tentative plans to meet and on the day that we were supposed to go out..I called him up and he was working..work called him at the last minute but he forgot to call me and let me know that he wasnt going to meet me. He said we could meet but I would have to drive 1 hour to the station. I felt at the time that he was being arrogant and was taking me for granted. I was so upset and told him that he was inconsiderate in not letting me know and so on..I dont think he took the date serious....the man never emailed me again or called. I really let him have it I guess.

But then I started writing on the 2nd site only because I was upset at him and not letting him know I am the same woman..I also wanted to know if he was a player..(which he doesnt seem to be) we may write like once a month or go for a few months and he will write to me..once in a while will ask me to call him..but of course I cant because he will know I am the same woman that told him he was inconsiderate and could not keep his word.

Last Christmas after a few months of not hearing from him..he sent me a nice email wishing me happy holidays and so we started writing again.

Just last week a put a post on another site in my area (starts with C list) where you just post briefly what you are looking for..guess who was the ONLY ONE that responded to my post?..the captain. Of course I did say I wanted a fireman.

I know I am wrong and will have a few of you judging me. But this all started very innocently..all because I got upset over him not letting me know ahead of time that he could not make the date. He seems to be a really nice guy..but as I have come to know..gets distracted by work is very laid back. He is definitely looking for someone and now that he has been divorced for 1-1/2 years..ready to settle down. This man is every woman's dream and he doesnt date..in our emails he has shared how he is longing to be with someone special, his views on love and relationship. He has sent me pictures of beautiful sunsets and pictures of him and his son vacationing. In one of his emails he told me that he has always wanted to talk to me.

I know this is long..but it is a long story. Although I have kept this online friendship..it hasnt stopped me from fallng for other men that have come and gone.

OK..you guys can now hit me over the head..I have been dishonest..but only because I felt that I had over reacted at first and didnt want to say goodbye just yet. I dont know how to undo this.. I guess I could meet him and then tell him I am that same woman from 2 years ago that he never got to meet.

Please dont be too hard on me..just dont want to give up this online friendship and its not like we write all the time..I think he gets frustrated when I dont call and he figures he doesnt want to waste time (I know that feeling)

 

 

2bHappy

January 26, 2008
6:04 am
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autumn128
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Hello 2bhappy,

First, as a little sidenote of humor, i understand the fireman thing. I think it's the being "rescued fantasy".

Anyway, on a serious note, let's be honest. you said that you started writing him on the second dating site after he cancelled on your first date without calling because you were upset with him, but didn't let him know who you were. Hugh? That doesn't make sense. Maybe it's more like you felt like you overreacted the first time, and thought that you could make a "fresh start" the second time, on the second site.

January 26, 2008
6:12 am
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autumn128
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Whoops,

sent the first one by accident too soon. sorry about that.

If you both had a date and he didn't show, that was wrong. you called him and he tells you to drive an hour to come see him at work? what kind of a first date is that?

This guy is on two dating sites, and you talk to him only once in a while, and you say he doesn't date? I'm sure he has plenty of dates, and that's why he forgot about the one with you the first time!

I don't know if he is a "player", but i'm sure his inbox on his dating sites is somewhat full. He may be intrigued by you because he thinks you are playing "hard to get", when in all reality you are avoided him because of the truth.

You need to come out and tell this guy the truth. Now you even like him more than before, you are going to have to tell him the truth at some point. If he doesn't want to talk to you anymore, write it off as a learning experience. you have never even met this guy, there are plenty of men to date.

I hope you figure it all out.

Autumn

January 26, 2008
6:44 am
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sad sack
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Hi 2BHappy,

What a tangled web we weave...

Since he answered your C.....list posting, I think I would take this opportunity to stop the deception.

I would write to him and tell him that you are the same woman that he spoke to years ago. Let him make an informed decision whether or not he wants to proceed further. I WOULD NOT tell him that you answered another ad under a different name.

I am the same age as you so I absolutely see how difficult it is to find men who are even interested in dating someone our age. Most men our age want women who are younger (sad, but true).

So if you feel a real connection, contact him. I am a bit conflicted with even my own advice since you are not being completely honest. But I do see this as an opportunity to put most of your cards on the table. Just put that second made up woman to rest now. She is better off is she remains dead and buried.

Good luck.

sad

P.S. I have the utmost respect for firemen also. But do you think it is wise to limit your searches to only men in that profession?

January 26, 2008
7:55 am
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Codi202
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If you are playing the dating site game deceptively, you can expect the same from people you are playing with.
Why complane at a counseling site.
Get together with frends and stragagize.

January 26, 2008
8:41 am
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Anonymous
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2B,

I'd just cop to it at this point.

You're not the only one who has done this sort of thing online. I have never done it on a dating site, but I have created multiple SNs on message boards (NOT this one!!!) at times when I've felt judged or ganged up on in, for instance, a political discussion. I'd still want to make my voice heard, but if I'd used the original SN, some ppl would have a preconceived notion abt me and start judging/flaming.

If you tell him - what's the worst that could happen?

January 26, 2008
10:03 am
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2BHAPPY
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Thanks Autumn and Sad Sack for your words, and NorthEaster too.

Codi202..I wasnt tryng to be deceptive and this is not something I would discuss with my friends..this is something that happened very innocently..didnt expect it to go this far..I do consider the people on this site my friends that I trust to be able to share my most hidden secrets and concerns.

I have been very general with him and we just write about everyday things and our ideas about life..nothing ever about me personally or about us romantically. We dont write all the time...perhaps once or 2x per month.

I am no longer in the dating sites and neither is he..havent been for awhile. Dont really think he is a serial dater.

I dont think I'll tell him in writing..Still want to meet him face to face. I will think about this for a few days and then ask him to meet me somewhere and see how it goes.

 

 

2bHappy

January 26, 2008
10:27 am
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lollipop3
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Hi 2B,

Personally, I would take my chances and tell him the truth. IMO, a relationship based on deception, of any kind, is not healthy and generally the truth does will come out.

I know that may not be what you wanted to hear but that is my opinion. I don't think what you did was the worse thing in the world and I think if you explained it to him the way you did here, there is a good chance he will understand.

In the event that he doesn't understand, that will be his choice and you will just have to respect that and accept it. Part of being a mature adult is admitting our mistakes and accepting the consequences of them.

Hopefully though he will understand and perhaps you can both have a good laugh about it and then get on about the business of a relationship. A relationship based on truth.

Good luck.

January 26, 2008
11:01 am
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Anonymous
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2B,

I think that's a good plan, to think about it for a few days...

Let us know how it turns out and I'm wishing you the best.

NE

January 26, 2008
11:19 am
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MsGuided
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Part of a firemans job is to be on call....they have to jump when the bell rings and they don't have time to make calls. He may of been in the middle of a call. Anyone who wants to be with one will have to understand the job, and allow that.

If he got cold feet, he is entitled, but you are entitled to be upset because you are going out of your way to see him.

Getting upset with him directly would trun him off. He has a career that is high on his list.

So if you have to finesse him back, just to meet him, It appears to be a little white lie...not a harmfull one.

Get the meeting over with cause that will determine if both of you want to go further.

I wouldn't say anything about the lie for now. It will creep him out.
What I would do is examine MY expectations and ask myself if I could handle the realities of being with a fireman. His schedule, and being on call.

That's dating..lots of stress, chances and risks.
Keeping your head on straight is pretty difficult!

January 26, 2008
12:03 pm
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Codi202
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But, if you deceived on the site, it wasn't innocent. You just got caught up in what you were engageing in.

Its not a criticism, I am just voicing what i see. It might be wrong, but if it isn't it would be something to consider.
We all see things from different perspectives and that was mine. Thats all.

January 26, 2008
12:11 pm
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appolonia
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Hi there

This just sounds a bit too unhealthy - sorry! But isn't one of our problems that we are attracted to people who lie / cheat / decieve and generally control us? In order to be free of those people, we need to be honest and to expect honesty back. I think your first instinct was absolutely right - he didn't meet you the first time because he didn't care enough about you to even spend a few pence on a phone call. He isn't one of the good guys - cos if he was, he would have been gushing over you with apologies.

I think you should just stop writing to him. If he is Mr Right, he'll turn up on your doorstep.

Good luck - you deserve one of the good guys.

January 26, 2008
12:41 pm
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atalose
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2b,

I agree with you, telling him in person is key if you want to attempt to salvage this friendship or hope for it to expand into something further.

It sounds like you both were in different places in life when this all started.

You mentioned he is now looking to settle down, don't jump ahead of yourself here with future agenda's.

Meet him in person, explain what happened and let the cards fall where they will.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 26, 2008
1:33 pm
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sdesigns
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Thats quite a dilemma.

Although this may not be the most honest tactic at this point, I am leaning towards just meeting him to see if you even like him first- and vs- before confessing to any misdeeds. It may turn out you aren't even attracted to him or he may not be attracted to you, there may be no second date for whatever reason. The first date is about getting minimally acquainted and taking a look-see.

I don't know if first date convo should necessarily include internet dating tactics, and how you two finally got together. If you've seen him on dif sites then he too is actively fishing in more than one pond.

Although what you've done so far is not sterling- I will say- this is internet dating, for goodness sake.

SD

January 26, 2008
3:32 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thank you all so much for your replies. I was really stressing over this when I wrote it and now I am feeling much better about the situation. Yes..I will meet him soon..problem is how do I convince him to meet me without an actual phone conversation...he might recognize my voice on the phone from 2 years ago.

I think this one is really worth the try and the honesty from what I see. Just need to know if we do have chemistry together now and the rest will take care of itself.

Thanks for no judging me too harshly. I know how important honesty in a relationship and it is what I look for....it was not my intend to prolong the situation but he has kept writing and I couldnt resist him.

 

 

2bHappy

January 26, 2008
6:00 pm
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doubleloss
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mmmh, if you want to meet him go for it. I wouldn't mention the part that you send him packing two years ago that's history and you were in a different place so, let it go and DON'T feel guilty about it. He probably doesn't even remember, in fact, he probably won't remember. So, go for it and have fun.

January 26, 2008
8:01 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I agree with doubleloss

January 26, 2008
10:50 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Ok.. I am going to wait a few days and contact him by mail..mayber closer to Valentine's Day. Last year I remember he very much wanted to talk to me..but I ignored his request in my reply. I cant really call him because he will probably recognize my voice and he will eventually know that I am the same person..I do have kind of an interesting life and career so he will definitely know and put 2 and 2 together.

My plan is to email him..he usually doesnt email back right away but rather a few days or a week later and I will tell him I am ready to meet him if he wants to.

I will keep you all posted.

 

 

2bHappy

January 30, 2008
5:36 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Hi again..

Since he asked for a picture..I went ahead and sent him one on Monday night. I havent had a response yet..but that does not mean anything because sometimes he goes for days..Just that I am feeling conscious about it and wonder whether he can match that photo to the woman that sent him packing 2 years ago. The picture that I sent him is the same one on the 2nd site that we kind of continued writing. I might look a little different because when he started writing to that one..he didnt match it to the women that sent him packing. I hope he doesnt now. Very very anxious now just waiting.. Maybe I shouldnt have sent the picture.

 

 

2bHappy

January 30, 2008
6:13 pm
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sad sack
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Hi 2BHappy,

I am so confused. Are you saying you sent him the same photo in all three communications with him?

Well, whatever the situation is, I wish you the best. I do hope it all works out this time.

Sad

January 30, 2008
6:35 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Sad ....they are different photos. I king of look different in my photos..but the one that I recently sent him is the one I initially sent him at the 2nd site and at that time he could not tell that it was the same woman. The last site I havent sent him a picture..he only had a photo of the woman that he actually spoke to at the beginning and then the one he has been writing to..he had a picture that I initially sent him 2 years ago and now I am sending him the same one so that he can remember.

I am thinking maybe he is too arrogant and wont even respond. which is fine then I will know and let it go...but I am hoping with all of my heart that he responds positively and that it all works out.

 

 

2bHappy

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