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I spoke with her this morn. It was nice...then turned bad fast....she's still angry and blames me for her being unhappy!! I am so sad = (
March 4, 2006
11:58 am
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Bazil
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Its been a few days since we chatted...She was gonna come into the city to pick up some cash i owe her and the registration for the car, a t-shirt and some underclothes that were mixed with mine. She said we might be able to sit and have a coffee. I know she loves me and misses me and i miss her so much too.
I called, she'd just gotten up and we chatted about my mom, my sister and her husband, her voice was soft...i missed her even more. Then i forget what it was but we started to argue, I think i told her that i realized i brought 1/2 the problems to our relationship ( she's a cocaine abuser/ alcohol abuser/ always rescuing someone) what ever they might be...fairly enough...all the stuff i'm aware she's brought...I figure i have head to bring atleast 1/2 also, although honestly i can't see that they're anywhere near the weight of what she brought.
Then we started to argue, she hung up, i called back...she was crying, said she loved me but we could never be together because i hurt her more than any of her abusive boyfriends ever had. And that she stopped being co dep. the last relationship and that i'm a taker and i took her for everything and that i just don't GET IT and never will....But for god sakes, can anyone please tell me what it is that i'm not getting when she was the one who rescued everyone and devoted so much of her spare time to her friends cooking their christmas dinners for them, when they should have done it and picking her stoned friends kid up at the bus stop because her friend was wasted....she took care and rescued friends and acquaintences at our expense and i fought it all the way . And she's mad that i wanted more of her time for me ...and us...for us to grow a s a healthy couple....is that wrong? Why does she keep calling me a taker? I said to her that i loved her and only wanted to spend time with her. She told me that she loved me dearly and i made her feel truly amazing, thats why i can't understand where all her hate is coming from. I'm so hurt by what she's still saying. She says her feelings for me will fade, is she trying to convince herself or me?
A month ago i broke up with her. She lied about where she was going and drove 2 hours in a snow storm one way and 2 back tofget some coke in a big city. When she got back...I packed up and left. I never wanted to leave, i wanted her to tell me she loved me more than she loved cocaine, and that she'd stop doing it ...and stop drinking but....she just let me go. And now she doesn't want me back. In hopes of helping ( saving i guess) her and myself i spoke with her friends ...some who new of her habits...some who didn't and now she's all up set with me...I guess she's findng out i spoke with them trying to( as she sees it) get them against her. But it was a desparate attemp by me to get help for us to maybe get advice on what i should or could do in this deadlocked situation of emotional pain and turmoil.

March 4, 2006
12:14 pm
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Bazil
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She 's mad that i tried to change her and wouldn't just let her be herself( recuing people, doing coke and drinking too much). She's mad that i wanted more from her i guess, More than she was able to deliver. Maybe she's mad at herlself for not being able to give me that. I think she just doesn't see why i couldn't have just been happy with her the way she was. But i just wasn't! She was emotionally not present, moody, physically not there at times. At her firend's stoned while i was in bed , lonely waiting for her to get home. She spent her money out of control,...buy ing me things ,....wondering why i wasn't happier. She's complained about me not being happy with anything she ever did...which is a hug exageration... and for taking her for everything she's worth...which just isn't true. I told her i never wanted any posessions...i only wanted her. Its becoming clearer to me that she's almost brain washed herself into believing that i was the root of her unhappiness. She doen't take into account any of the co dep things i mention or drugs or alcohol.....any of that makes her irate.....how do i deal with that?.........In a way i'm thinking ....what if i am responsible....and why does she think that. I read that co dep.s blame everyone else and don't take responsibility., but this is rediculous. i guess she needs more time to cool off? I'm going nuts! Help!! Bazil

March 4, 2006
1:02 pm
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Bazil
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she just called me back about an hour later.....she sounded mad and said that she thought i'd be out right now ( then why was she calling?)Then softly , That she was having one of those days where she just really missed me , missed my smell, my voice and being near me. Then she started cring and saying why did i call her in the first place thismorning..!!!? and that she's mad at me for ruinging everything by wanting more from her. Then i told het not to give up on us. And i asked her if she wanted to meet for a coffee...she sternly replied no....not today Baz...another day. Somene wanna help interprit this for me......?
Bazil

March 4, 2006
1:56 pm
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Regret
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Bazil,

I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Break ups are hard enough when the love is finished but worse when you still love the person. I can imagine how you feel.

However, I doubt if your partner had teh ability to stop coke and alcohol on her own. She probably loves you a lot but she has problems too. Has she tried to get help professionally? Habits die hard and so I assume that the best way would be to seek professional help/join a group or both. Yet, she has to do it by herself. You can only support her. As she said, you cannot change her.

Perhaps, after what you have been through, you could do with some detaching. Let her contact you as it seems she does not like you contacting her. Leave the ball in her court but don't be the referee. I know it hurts to see the one you love get destroyed but she is an adult and you cannot drag her out if she does not want out.

Hang in there. I am sending you huge transatlantic hugs right now.

Love, love, love,
me

March 4, 2006
2:02 pm
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gingerleigh
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Bazil, you're a good guy, so please take what I'm about to say as something that a close friend or a sibling might tell you.

There is nothing to interpret here. ALthough the love may be there, so still is the drama, the hurt, the dysfunction. Unless you give it some significant time apart (and I mean like in the order of a year or more, not a few days) you're just going to encounter more of the same.

She has told you that you are hurting her by calling her. So stop hurting her (and yourself) and do just that! Love her and love yourself enough to let her go, at least for now, if not forever.

March 4, 2006
3:55 pm
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Bazil
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gingerleigh...I love what you wrote...its clear and simple...I just don't like the forever part. thanks so much for your kind words. Baz

March 4, 2006
4:37 pm
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lollipop3
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Bazil,

I agree 100% with ginger. I also agree that "forever" can be overwhelming.

How about just one day a time.

Just for today...I will not call her.

Just for today...I will leave her alone to solve her own problems.

Just for today.....

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