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I set myself up for jealousy
September 15, 2001
10:37 am
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Jealous
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September 30, 2010
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My husband and I married young. We both had no prior relationships before we married, we just knew we were meant for each other. We are not wild and carefree people, we live a normal, modest lifestyle. We are quiet people.

I was dumb enough to fall into an affair with nothing to be gained from it. I used the excuse of wanting to know what it was like to be with someone else. I was selfish and wound up ruining a very good friendship over it. My husband never found out, or if he did he has done a good job of keeping it to himself.

I felt tremendous guilt over the affair and felt that I needed to be hurt like I hurt him if he ever found out. I mentioned swinging and at first he was against it. He said I was enough to please him. Then he approached me and asked if I was serious. One thing led to another and a friend of mine is a swinger and has agreed to be his partner, so long as I am present. She knows about what I did and understands why I am doing this.

Last night she came over and we flirted with him and joked about the two of them together. Then she remembered a deal they had made and she owed him payback, a kiss. She made sure it was ok with me when we were alone and then went and kissed him. He evidently thought it was going to be just a peck but it turned into more. I watched and he kept his eyes closed and enjoyed it. After the kiss was over he went on as if nothing had happened. Not once did he ask me if I was OK or how did it make me feel, not even after she left.

I did wrong in having the affair and I didn't make things better by opening up a can of worms with the swinging idea. I was so stupid and it took me watching them last night to realize what I have done. I am upset because he didn't ask for my reaction or my feelings, and it is all my fault. God, I was so stupid! Now I am not sure what to do. I deserve punishment for what I did. I cannot take the guilt anymore, but I cannot stand what I have done to our marriage, either. I don't know if I should tell him what I did and explain why I am doing what I am doing or go on with the two of them having a night together or just drop it all and raise more questions. God help me, I have really f***ed up!

September 15, 2001
4:16 pm
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Molly
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We must all deal with the consequences of our choices, you made one that I think you should deal with on your own, what is to be gained by hurting him. One option to clear last night is that you were experimenting, and didn't like it, and made a foolish choice, that you now cherish your monogamous relationship more than ever, and hope that he feels the same way. If he is wanting more, then I don't know as you are the one that opened Pandora's box. Sometimes we get on that highway, and don't like where we are going, so turn back in the other direction.

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