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I sent him this email today (plz)
March 8, 2006
11:53 am
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Anonymous
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thedogsmom - I LOVE your name as well! lol You are cracking me up! Please feel free to use my email, only changing the names to protect the innocent (*ha). But before you send it, you may want to read ALL the responses I got. Some thought it was too harsh and judgemental. I guess in the end, we are the ones living life with these guys, and we have to do what we think is right. I have had second thoughts since I sent it (not because of the message), but because of the "scolding" that I gave him, so I may end up apologizing at some point. If I do apologize, though, it won't be for HIM, it'll be for ME!

If you are interested, you may want to read another thread of a conversation I am having with Cjazz entitled "To Cjazz from Plz". He has really enlightened me with his own journey from addiction, and it may speak to you as well!

Hope you have a great day, and keep posting!

Love, plz~

March 8, 2006
12:28 pm
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kathygy
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elizabeth anne,

have you worked on your anger with a therapist? I think it is very important to feel the full extent of your anger and express it in a safe place. You have a right to your anger. I do think that the more fully you express it in a safe place the sooner you will move through it.

Rather than just trying to skip over it to forgiveness. I'm not convinced that forgiveness is essential. You can work through your anger and still not forgive a person who hurt you.

I'm not talking about holding onto the anger or bitterness. What I am suggesting is that at least for myself I have not forgiven the last man who hurt me and feel at peace with that.

March 8, 2006
6:59 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Thanks for asking Kathy G. I am not one that expresses my anger to much. But on the day I left my ex, he saw my anger and I was very vindictive and said some very hurtful things. I actually felt good at the time for exposing him. I hold on to that anger to a certain degree. But the way I look at it now is he couldn/t have really loved me, and opened up enough to want to make it work.

But, what I do is look at it from his point of view, and know in his mind he most likely felt justified in his mind it was over, and started giving suttle hints. NO excuse for him.

But, if I continue to hold onto the anger and the rage, how do I move on?? I think once the acceptance is what it is, you have to forgive and realize it is not all about you, and the lessons you learn are just learning.

We both were not on the same page and did not know how to have emotional growth. I just know, I am the better person, because I could not do what he did. I can see him for what he is, but I cannot hold onto anger for to long as it only brings me down and I just want to go forward. The only way for me to go forward is to understand he has to go thru his own life of understanding, because he just doesn/t get it!!

But if you don/t let it go, then perhaps you become so consumed that you can/t move on.

I don/t want to pay the price for his actions. I just chaulk it up to his loss not mine. So in my mind, It is better for me to forgive knowing he has his problems and it is not for me to solve and understand, it is him to solve and understand his problems.
So forgiviness comes with letting me move on and letting him know we had some good times but we are not on the same path and his issues are his to fix and just having that understanding about him helps me to have a certain understanding of where he is at. He is a lost soul!!

March 8, 2006
11:32 pm
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thedogsmom
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plz-
oops...guess I shoud've read the rest of the reactions to your letter before copying it and mailing it last night. I used MOST of it word for word but did delete a few paragraphs. My puppy gave me no reaction at all tonight when I came home from work. He did not go to work today and sounded really depressed though, but is acting like we are just doing fine and dandy..like we don't have any problems and like I did't just tell him he had two months to move out. I also sent him a more loving goodbye letter which I had already written and then saw yours and thought it was better and more to the point, so I sent that too. I called both of them "happy endings".

I loved your letter and yes it was a bit harsh.. That's what tough-love is...and that's what is usually recommended for addicts. And why shouldn't it be harsh? It's all the TRUTH.. the ugly TRUTH IS HARSH>. The man is on a spiral downward to nowhere...and he has hurt you numerous times and continues to hurt you by his actions and by his non-actions. I don't feel you owe him an apology at all, ....yet the codependant in me felt guilty all day too wondering if I hurt his feelings and made him feel even worse after I sent him your (our 🙂 letter.

I think Lolli may be right though.. this letter stated very matter of factly how you see him and how his actions are destroying his life and your relationship ..BUT... the letter may work for rational , FAIR, people like me and you...but our men may not be hearing the same thing we are meaning to say.... It's true.. maybe all they are hearing is that they don't make enough money and that they are a loser!... that's why they are doing what they are doing in the first place because they must not feel too great about themselves already...

STILL ... I feel NO apology is necessary.. I know why we sent that letter is because it made us feel better to let them know that we know what is going on and we love them dearly but we are fed up and can no longer watch them destroy themselves and take us down with them.. We love ourselves too and we are ready to make a change and this is our last plea to them to hopefully HELP them to SEE the LIGHT and the wrongs of their ways...and to just ask us for help and we will be there for them...

In our hearts though ..we also know that we cannot live like this much longer so.. if they are unable to "hear" what we are saying then we know and get comfort from the fact that we did at least tell them how we feel and gave them a chance to respond and "FIX" it. We obviously have stood by them and helped them through bad times and continue to help them even though they continue to hurt us...but how long can you keep feeding the dog that keeps biting you and pissing all over your carpet and tearing up your furniture ? no matter how cute and nice it is?
I'm jumping on that train and joining you.. TIME FOR A CHANGE...two booths (days) behind you.
thanks for your comments from thedogsmom

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