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I sent him this email today (plz)
March 3, 2006
8:30 pm
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Anonymous
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D, since you are very busy and it's not looking like a conversation can happen between us anytime soon, I might as well say what I have to say in an email. You're not gonna like most of it, because I'm not gonna sugar-coat anything, but I am speaking the TRUTH because I care enough about you not to stay silent.

If you ever had a chance to break out of the gerbil life you have created for yourself, NOW is that time! It's time to sack up and face the things you've been running away from all your life. I have said much of this before, so this will be my LAST attempt to get your attention and hopefully make a difference.

D, YOU HAVE A BIG PROBLEM!!! You have only yourself to blame for the failures you have suffered in your life. Nobody else has made the choices for you that have led you to where you are except YOU! So does that make you a loser? Absolutely NOT!!! The only way you end up a loser is if you continue to make bad choices (not learning from your life experiences and mistakes), and never see and take advantage of the opportunities for personal growth that present themselves to you. Please open your eyes, D! It's all within reach just waiting for you to grab hold and run with it!

You are purposely sabotaging your own life. Do you despise yourself that much, D? You are in the fast lane of self-destruction, self-hate, and you are totally blowing it. The kind of life you are CHOOSING to participate in is nothing short of pathetic. Have you not learned anything from the lives of some of those (friends) who have gone before you and wasted their lives, and then it was over too soon? Don't waste your life any longer, D. It's never too late to turn things around. You should have gotten tired of it or outgrown it as a person YEARS ago when you left the young adult years, but you have remained in the same place that you started.

A question you need to ask yourself -- Am I Happy? Am I proud of who I've become and what I've accomplished in the time I've been given? D, you've already had 40 years to do it YOUR way. How's that working for you? Are you any farther down that road of life to success and fulfillment than you were when you were 16? Because by all appearances, you are STUCK! Stuck in a very juvenile place where anything goes, nothing matters but immediate gratification, and responsibility and accountability are dirty words.

I'm sure by now (if you are still reading this novel) that you are pissed with me. I seem to be the outlet where you direct your anger when you can't stifle it down any longer. Well, there's me, and then there's the bottle. It is not my intention to hurt you in any way, but rather to reach out to see if there is some part of you that wants to rise above where you are to enjoy many, many years together with someone who truly loves you. As far as I'm concerned, the best years of my life are ahead. I've had my own struggles, and I know life is never gonna be trouble-free, but I look at life differently now. I see where I have been, and look to where I want to be, and use those experiences in my past (both good and bad) to move me forward into a better life for myself. You can do this too, I know you can! It all starts in the mind, and is all about how you see yourself, and what you desire for your future. Please ask yourself what you want, D! What makes you happy, what fills you up, what brings great satisfaction? Is that so hard? To stop running, turn around and face yourself? You may not like what you see, it may be painful, but it is a place to start. I don't care what you've DONE IN THE PAST, today is always a new day, a fresh start to try and get it right! Question is, are you up to doing what it takes to make the difference?

Because, you see, at the end of the day, D, it's really all up to YOU! Your decision! Your choice! No amount of love, money, or desire on my part can change that. You may see it as me just trying to control or change you. By seeing me as not accepting you just the way you are. I strongly disagree! I started seeing you almost 3 years ago knowing full well that you were jobless, penniless, practically homeless, yet it mattered NOT to me. I didn't judge you that way. I didn't see only your circumstances, but I looked at the MAN behind the circumstances. And I fell in love with him. I believed in you then, but I must confess, as time as gone by, and some of your circumstances have begun to change for the better, I still don't see you TRYING to improve yourself as a person, as a man. You continue to be mad at the world for what has happened to you, and you express it thru your drinking, partying, and cutting up. You know, you really are a funny, witty, crazy, lovabale guy WITHOUT all that garbage you hide behind.

Time to face the world like a grown-up man, D. Time to put the toys away and stop pissing your life away. Of course, that's only the case if it's what YOU really want. Otherwise, I can assure you that things will remain the same for you. Maybe I'm just wanting it for you(selfishly), so that I can grow old with you. Because I do love you so very much! And that's the truth. But like I've told you before, it's not enough that I love you and you love me. We have to be moving in similar directions, growing together and not apart.

Although nobody can ever predict the future, here is what I'm pretty sure I can expect in the next few years of MY life -- boys moving away from home, getting married, which means grandchildren, then great grandchildren (I hope), aging parents and then ultimately their deaths, possible divorces my children may face (hopefully not, but ya never know), dealing with the realities of getting older and the health problems/issues that go along with that, blah, blah, blah. Anywho, you can see where I am going with this. My life is pretty much mapped out for me (to a certain extent), and I want someone in my life as a partner that will embrace those things with me, can be strong for me when I am hurting or sad, and enjoy life with me to the fullest as long as we still have a breath inside of us! I plan on finishing my race well, D! I've stumbled along the way many times, but it's never about the number of times we fall; instead it's all about how well we GET UP and CROSS THAT FINISH LINE!

The last thing I want to do is lose you. But I don't see much sacrifice or effort on your part and I just won't shoulder all of the responsibility of our relationship anymore. Let me be clear, I AM GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE! I would love to know that you wake up tomorrow and have decided to come alongside of me and do the right thing here. But I have to be honest with myself and say that I'm not holding my breath. Only wishing and wanting something to happen doesn't make it so. In fact, I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results. It just ain't gonna happen unless a DECISION is made to make a difference.

So I guess what I'm asking you now is WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, D??? Gonna keep on doing the same ole, same ole, and 5-10-20 years from now, still hanging out sleeping on K's couch, or borrowing from your cousin, or drinking/drugging yourself into oblivion every opportunity, changing jobs, changing girlfriends, changing locations only to realize in the end that you can never get away from YOU??? That is the absolute, bottom-line truth, and it is staring you square in the face. I dare you to think on these things for a while, instead of writing me off as another one of your psycho girlfriends. We can't ALL be psycho, D!

If you really desire to turn away from your self-destructive ways, and join me on my journey to a fulfilling, joyful, hopefully drama-free life (can't promise that one, lol), then I welcome you with open arms. If you don't think you can do it on your own and need some kind of professional help, I will support and encourage you. You know I've always been your biggest cheerleader:) I believe I have proven myself to be loyal and trustworthy, and I have stepped up for you MANY times when you needed me to. Now it's your turn! But don't do it for me (even though I would benefit as well), do it for YOURSELF!

So, if you aren't snoozing by now, or laughing your butt off, and happen to still be with me, I will close with this. I love you, always have, always will. But I AM moving on! I'll either go with or without you. And that, D, is entirely up to you! I will await your reply. No response on your part will also be considered an answer.

Love, T

*********************************************
Sorry guys, plz here, I realize that was very long, but I just needed to vent it out here. Thanks in advance to anybody who reads or acknowledges with their thoughts.

BTW, this is a follow-up to an incident he and I had on Tuesday (please read thread entitled "Lolli, can you help me?") if you need to know what prompted this email. I actually called him today (we haven't spoken since Tuesday), to ask him if we could arrange a time to talk this weekend, and he blew me off with some excuse about having to catch up at work. Thus, the email was born:) Ya know, if they won't let us women talk, we'll just find away around it!!! lol

Anywho, I'd like to thank Dr. Phil, Ddog, Lolli, Whidbey, Sdesigns, TC66, Turnabout, Alicat, MamaC, and all the rest of you guys writings I've had the privilege of reading for months now. You have inspired me and even put some of the words right in my mouth! *Ha* He'll never know what hit him!!! *evil grin*

March 4, 2006
7:12 am
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lollipop3
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Hi Plz~

I think this e-mail is good in the sense that it was probably cathartic for you to get it all out. Sometimes when we keep all of this stuff in, it actually begins to feel like poison...at least for me it does. I also think we, as codeps, tend to NEED to feel like we have done EVERYTHING we can do before we can actually throw in the towel.

My only fear for you is that this letter was sent in hopes that it will prompt him to want to change and if he doesn't it will hurt you. Have you prepared yourself for that?

Another thing that I would caution you about is to make sure you set your boundaries and stick to them. Very often when these men get these letters, they will SAY whatever it is you want to hear. After all, they don't want to lose us. But SAYING and DOING are two very different things. I have sent many letters like this hoping it would prompt some change and he TOLD me it did. He would agree to go to counseling and that would be all it took for me. "You'll go to counseling...okay, we can get back together now"....only to find myself a month or two later dealing with the same crap and saying...."but you said....." Try not make the same mistake...believe me, it will only set you up for disappoinment.

Also, keep in mind that even if they DO make some changes, without recovery or therapy, most often it will only manifest itself in other ways. In my case for instance, b/f did quit drinking. I was elated thinking it was the answer to my prayers only to find that he replaced drinking with work, and actually BECAME verbally abusive. Although I am grateful that he is sober, our relationship seemed to have gotten worse with his sobriety.

Having said all that, I think if you can send this e-mail and LET GO of the results...then it may very well help you to find some closure.

Love,
Lolli

March 4, 2006
10:38 am
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twinkles
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WOW.....that was some heavy duty stuff, I just wanted to say that I am very impressed with everything you told this man, this sounds EXACTLY like the kind of thing that I would want to say to my "here again, gone again" guy...... I feel a LOT of love in this email but also a fierce, strong and determined woman who wants to make a real life for herself with someone who will be man enough to step up to the plate....KUDOS to you, I hope that in the end this guy will wake up and realize that he would be losing a fine woman by staying on this destructive path of his life, I would hate to be him later on in life, with nothing to show, no one that REALLY loves him and most of all ALONE.....my friend/boyfriend has had that age old "pyscho girlfriends" deal....and according to him, out of his 45 yrs. I am his "best fit" as he puts it but NO....he says he loves me but he's not "in love" with me.....he wants to keep looking, I've got news for him....he'll be looking until he's dead because he's only attracted to the ones with severe PROBLEMS....somehow he wants to fix them but I don't have Problems so I can't be "fixed" it's sad for me but also sad for him because he doesn't realize what he's missing out on....it's called a DRAMA FREE life bud.....a HAPPY life.....one where you can continue to grow with eachother and grow old with eachother. What is wrong with these men?
anyway, just wanted to tell you that I admire your courage!
love, Twinkles

March 4, 2006
11:16 am
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Plz,

This e-mail sounds like something I could have written to my ex. Word for word in some places. Very well thought out, well written, kind, considerate, caring, supportive and loving. All good things, BUT... these men are wired differently than we are. I see EXACTLY what you are trying to say and what you hope to accomplish by this e-mail however, he may see it completely different. Be prepared for the possibility that you may need to defend these words at a later date. The ONLY thing he may take out of it is that you think he is a BIG FAT LOSER!! I have written similar letters and was shocked when he didn't comprehend the spirit in which the letter was written. He became defensive and angry with me....

It did not act as a source of closure as I hoped it would because I wound up talking myself blue in the face trying to get him to understand what I really meant... It was exhausting emotionally. I felt so good and hopeful when I sent it. I envisioned him "seeing the light" and falling into my waiting arms ready to make some positive, permanent life changes... only to find that nothing had changed and now I had managed to alienate him even further.

I hope that your bf understands what you are trying to say, but be prepared for the possibility that he just may never GET IT!!! O.K...

Oh, and I agree with Lolli that you need to stand firm in your position that you plan on moving on with your life if he should not choose to change. You said it, you meant it and the hard part will be to actually follow through with it...

I wish you the very best Plz!!!! Good luck to you. Stay strong!!!!

TC

March 4, 2006
11:43 am
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T,

I will be very interested in what kind of response you get if you do get one.

I can understand why you would feel driven to say a lot of what you said.
However, it sounded to me that you were judging, shaming and scolding this man in hopes to spring him into active change.

I'm not sure that's very motivating.

If he's not interested in changing it seems to me that this will only make him feel defensive and push him further away.

I think it would have been better and more effective to keep the focus on you, your feelings and what you want from him.

I think it would have been better to keep it short and just state how YOU feel which you really didn't express other than the fact tht you love this man and want him in your life if he changs.

You could have just said something like, I want you in my life only if you are willing to get help and get sober, without out all the judging and scolding.

I think if he really loves you and doesn't want to loose you that would be a much bigger motivator then all the words you went into about his destructuve life.

what are your feelings underneath all of this? sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, and so on, very specific feelings.

I know the email has already been send. But this is just my feedback about how your email sounded to me.

"Let me be clear, I AM GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE! I would love to know that you wake up tomorrow and have decided to come alongside of me"

"So I guess what I'm asking you now is WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, D??? "

"I love you, always have, always will. But I AM moving on! I'll either go with or without you. And that, D, is entirely up to you!"

"No response on your part will also be considered an answer. "

It seems to me that would have said it all without scolding him.

March 4, 2006
12:31 pm
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Lolli, Twinkles, and TC - Thanks for all your thoughts on my soul-cleansing email. I wanted and needed feedback because I second-guess myself so much. I new some of you guys could relate, because I've read most of your stories and realize we are all wanting and hoping that our guys will miraculously change into the men we believe they can be. I do realize, however, that it is most likely wishful thinking on my part, that he is comfortable where he is, with what he knows, and will not desire to move out of his comfort zone, even if there might be a better life waiting out there for him. I think some people are just natural born survivors, and others are "satisfied" with the mundane. I am well aware that I cannot MAKE anyone do anything! But I did need to put it out there so I could walk away knowing that I had tried to reach him.

I've never actually given him any kind of ultimatum before, and I thought it was time. I wasted almost 3 years of my life with this man. And I ain't getting any younger! *ha* It has been a steady, downhill slide of one thing after the other with him, and I don't really think I should give any more of myself. I have let this eat at me and hurt me deeply many times before, and frankly, I'm just tired of feeling that way. And I know that I have a choice here; I have to do what is right for me. Like you, Lolli and TC, I've laid all my cards out on the table, held nothing back, told him EXACTLY how I feel, yet I still get nothing in return. It's time to move on this time for good.

I actually talked to his mom yesterday. She calls me when she is concerned about him, and this is another one of those times when we both are on the same page. She even said to me, "I don't think D knows how to have a relationship with anybody." And she didn't encourage me to stick with him, but to take care of myself and do what I needed to do for me. A very wise woman indeed.

Kathy, I also appreciate you sharing your views on my email. I feel like it was very fair of you to point out how he may feel scolded, judged, or shamed. That's why I typed it here, because I needed a good all-around opinion of how it came across. And I knew I would get different points of view. Thank you. It helps me grow as a person, helps me re-evaluate what I say and how I say it. Helps me empathize better with the person who is on the receiving end. So I am trying to learn how to express myself better as to hopefully receive better results. Unfortunately, I am a mother of 3 boys, and my "motherly" instincts kick in as I am used to taking charge and being tough when I have to. And I have successfully raised 2 or them to young adulthood, with the 3rd just entering his teenage years. So I'm battening down the hatches again:)

Anywho, thanks to all who contribute to this thread. I welcome all comments and take them to heart. I love you guys!!!

plz~

March 4, 2006
1:14 pm
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Bazil
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kathygy, I'm starting to see,.... through this previous email( the big one) what other people are going through and how much it is like my situation with my ex. I could relate with her email to her alcoholic boyfriend.I n her hopes to help him...but sadly i feel its not going to help....( sorry if that sounds harsh) that he's gotta want to change. And now seeing your comments on here, they give your advice to me much more validity. I'm glad i read this email......thank you plzdon'tsayuneedme and Kathygy
Bazil

March 4, 2006
3:15 pm
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Bazil, I'm glad you realize thru this site that we are mostly all kindred spirits. Going thru alot of the same emotions and situations together. Glad I could help you in some way.

So, here's an update - I got this email back today --

He said: To tell you the truth, you seem like the miserable one. My life is far from perfect but at least I am not miserable. When I make comments about you, it's known as "putting you down". What's it called when you do it?"

Well, you guys were right. Let's see, the words defensive, and turning the tables come to mind. Kathy, I know you thought he would feel scolded, but to tell you the honest truth, even if I had used more "I" statements, and told him more about how it made "Me" feel, it would have generated the same response with this guy. I've come at him from EVERY angle before, and nothing works. BTW, I remember once, not very long ago, when he looked straight into my eyes and said, "Don't you KNOW how miserable I am?" Hmmmmmmmmm, guess I just have him all wrong after all.

Anyway, I'm done people! This is not fun for me, it's taking too much of my energy, and I have too much too lose by hanging out with this guy. I really hope I can break myself of this bad habit this time. Guess I can't scold him for not taking charge of his life and getting ahold of his own addictions, if I can't do something about my own! So, it starts right now! I believe in my heart I have given it my best shot, it didn't work out, and it's time to move on!

Anybody out there wanna go with me? All aboard! Choo chooooooooooooo! lol

March 4, 2006
3:26 pm
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((((Plz))))),

I'm sorry that you didn't get the response that you were hoping for. Perhaps his response will give you the push that you need to stand firm and really start taking care of you.

I have to agree that it probably didn't matter much how your worded your e-mail. If you read my letter to my b/f, I used only *I* statements, no anger, no accusations...only how I felt. As a matter of fact, I even showed to my therapist who thought that it was written in a very healthy manner.

His response: He threw away every card I have ever given him. And when we did finally speak...he told me that I was "too sensitive", that I was "insecure" and that "although I had hardened him as a person"..he forgives me.

Sometimes they just don't get it, and perhaps they never will. It doesn't mean that you have to stop caring about him as a person, it just means that you have your answer and perhaps it is time to move on.

Love,
Lolli

March 4, 2006
3:57 pm
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Bazil
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Time will Tell.....

March 4, 2006
5:20 pm
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twinkles
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{{PLZ}}

I'm sorry that he chose to not take your email to heart and really think about what you said and realize that you honestly love him and are more than willing to accept him as long as he will work WITH you and do it dilligently. what a waste...but you sound like you are strong enough to move on...you will have bad days of course but the good days will ultimately outweigh the bad and pretty soon you'll realize that your on your way to making a new life for yourself. My thoughts are with you, I have read so many threads on this site and I just walk away almost sobbing because I realize that there are SO many people out there who are in pain...people that we pass on the street, store, at work...every day and we don't even realize it....it makes my heart ache but it also puts me in my place because I realize that I'm not the only one who goes thru this kind of hell....it's too bad that truly loving someone wholeheartedly can be such a cause for suffering....it shouldn't be that hard...we all have at least some good in us, why must we make it so hard on ourselves and hurt eachother?? I guess it's just called life and we must never stop trying to make that connection but sometimes it seems like more trouble than it's worth...especially the older you get...you begin to only trust yourself (which isn't always a bad thing) but it can be lonely.
My thoughts are with you and I sincerly hope you stay strong.
Love, Twinkles

March 4, 2006
5:59 pm
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plz,

"When I make comments about you, it's known as "putting you down". What's it called when you do it?"

I think that's a valid point because it sounded to me like you were very much putting him down and now he feels defensive.

At he same time I doubt any wording would have made any difference because alcohol is number one in his life and there's no talking him out of it.

However, I commend you in taking a stand for yourself and refusing to be in a relationship that is not good for you.

March 4, 2006
7:27 pm
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Now he's getting nasty. Just got this email --

He said: Why did I invite you to Marid Gras again? Oh yea, now I remember it's because you whined and bitched all year about not being invited last year. You have a lot of nerve bitching about the circumstances. But then again your the same woman who talks about my friends behind their backs, then wonders why your aren't invited. You're a backstabbing piece of crap! And commenting me on the way I was dressed made me laugh! If I had pasty white kankles like you, I would surely want to show them off! You looked like a linebacker in women's clothing. Here's a tip: If you work out and eat more calories, you get bigger!!! Sianora Asshole!

Well guys, I'd be lying if I said that didn't sting. The only thing I've ever said negative about his friends is that they are very inmature. Most are at least 10 years younger than he is. The comment I made about the way he was dressed was that he was mis-matched (badly) and looked like he had slept in them for days. I had on capri pants for the parade the other day, and I must confess I need to start tanning, but he's just really trying to get personal now. I know that when people hurt, they want to hurt back. So I am never surprised by what he says to me (not anymore anyway), but it always hurts. This is why I need to forget about him and move on with my life.

Tell me, somebody please, did THAT email I sent deserve THAT kind of response? I'm serious! Kathy??? I know you may think I deserve his reaction, so if you do, please make sense of this for me! I poured my heart out, even though I knew it wouldn't be easy for him to hear, and he spit on me! Again.

I'd really appreciate all of your thoughts. I value them so, and really reflect long and hard on them.

I'll be back in a couple of hours to see if anybody has anything to say. I really need to get out for a while and clear my head. Be back soon!

Love you all....plz~

March 4, 2006
7:34 pm
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One more thing, I just loaned this guy more than $7k just last week to buy a used vehicle to get to work and back. He had filed for bankruptcy recently and has no credit, and nobody would loan him any money. He asked me, and I did it, without hesitation. I knew when I did it, that something like this could happen, so I'm not bothered about losing the money at all. He had said he would pay me in monthly installments until it was paid off, but I notice he hasn't mentioned it sense. I don't care, it's just the principle of the thing.

Would YOU talk to somebody like he just did that had been so generous with you as recent as last week? Makes me feel even more spit on. Good riddance!!!

March 4, 2006
8:53 pm
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Oh (((((PLZ~)))))...I'm so sorry that he is behaving so horribly. You don't deserve that at all.

The first thing I would like to say is that you don't need to defend yourself here...ex..."I should start tanning." It's March! White people are very white in March, that's life. Hell, I know black people that have commented that they need a tan in March!

Secondly, and most importantly....THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I'm sure that your letter and all of it's honesty probably hit him right between the eyes and he is lashing out. He is an alcoholic and that is what alcoholics do. They do not take responsibilty, they are not rational. Please do not drive yourself crazy trying to make sense out of nonsense. You cannot reason with him because he is unreasonable. It is the alcohol that is attacking you. It is his immaturity that is attacking you. It is his denial that is attacking you. It is his inability to face reality that is attacking you.

I know how much hearing that must have hurt you. It would have hurt anybody. But please try not to take it personally because it is not personal. I know it feels personal, but it isn't. He did it to the one before you and he will do it to the one after you. IT IS NOT PERSONAL.

You are a kind, wonderful, beautiful person that DESERVES to have a life filled with happiness. You are a strong woman that has raised three wonderful, healthy children. You have the right to a good life. You have the right to have a life without despair and uncertainty.

Love yourself. Respect yourself. Give yourself the life that you deserve.

I'll be here for you every step of the way.

Love,
Lolli

March 4, 2006
9:00 pm
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lollipop3
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Plz~,

I would like to add one more thing and I hope I'm not too late.

Please, please, please do not respond to his latest e-mail. It does not dignify a response from you.

Know in your heart, as we all do, that your intentions were good and let it go.

Love,
lolli

March 4, 2006
9:01 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Defense mode!! He is not ready to accept he has a problem and wants to turn the tables so it is not about him but about you. JMHO

March 4, 2006
10:52 pm
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((((((Lolli)))))))) Thanks so much for the hugs and support. Your post brought tears to my eyes, because you are soooooooooo right! I left my house a while ago to drive around and clear my head, and ended up going to see Madea's Family Reunion at the movie theatre. I laughed and cried my butt off! It was just what I needed.

On the way home, I heard the song "Jesus, Take the Wheel", and I started sobbing and I prayed for D. The lyrics to that song reminded me of the life he is leading and how he needs to let go. But the best part of all (for me) is I was quickly able to forgive his words, because I realized just what you were saying, it's not about ME, it's all about HIM and what HE is going thru, and he's just regurgitating on me. I realized too that if I allow his words to tear me up then I was giving my power away! He was just trying to hurt me (with blows to my self-esteem) cause that's how he deals with HIS pain. By projecting it back onto other people.

Thanks for pointing out that I don't have to defend my pasty white legs! *ha* If you hadn't called that to my attention, my codependent self would have slipped right over that one and never noticed what I was doing! Geesh, getting healthy is tough sometimes, but soooooooo worth it!

Also, I have NOT responded to that email, nor will I. In fact, the old me would have still been stewing about it, would lose sleep over it, and then get into a email pissing match with him. I have changed, I have learned, and I am not gonna let his words set me back. I'm really proud of myself because I took the belly punch, and even though it knocked the breath out of me momentarily, I didn't go down for the count!!!!

Bazil, Twinkles, Kathy, and Elizabeth Anne, thanks for offering your words of encouragement and support! I hope that I can return the favor at some point. You guys rock!

Love, plz~

March 5, 2006
12:31 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Plz: I read your email earlier today and I have to be honest and say I reacted the way Kathygy did but I didn't want to post to you about it. I DO feel that is was therapeutic for you to say all of that, and if this is the end of things, at least you got to say them. That is more than many people get, always wishing they could have told the other one off.

I understand why he may not have taken your words to heart. I did the same thing once to a bf when we were breaking up and his reaction was to ask why I always had to pick him apart. The words probably stung for him, and he was being defensive, and lashing out at you in return. His ego probably has to make things feel even.

I think you are wise to try to move on. He was causing a lot of turmoil in your life and thats not supposed to be what loving someone is about.

((((Plz)))

SD

March 5, 2006
12:23 pm
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Sdesigns, thanks for your honesty about my email! I am learning so many things about myself, and one of those is that I can come across as judgemental sometimes. Sometimes I want to just give up and keep my mouth shut, because it's so hard to know WHAT to do when the same things keep happening over and over again. All I know is, that I don't want to participate in that relationship any longer the way it is. It is sucking away too much of my energy and attention, and I'm so afraid of making a mistake that I think the best thing for me to do is just back off and regroup. Put the focus back on me, and what I want for myself.

I really do value your opinion, and I appreciate you helping to keep me in check. As you know, when you are the one in the middle of the storm, it's hard to see thru the blinding rain sometimes. That's why we should depend on our friends and supporters to say, "Hey, I love ya, but...".

Thanks also for pointing out that *I* put him in defensive mode, so I should expect a certain amount of lashing out in order to protect his ego. I only let it sting momentarily, then I stopped taking it personally and saw it for what it really was.

Thanks again, you guys, for letting me talk this out here. This site has been such a God-send!

Love, plz~

March 5, 2006
4:54 pm
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twinkles
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{{PLZ}}

I do NOT think you deserved the response from him that you got.... he's trying to strike back at you in any way he can...he's grasping for straws and not taking an honest to goodness look at himself...that was just a MEAN thing to do... and I agree that you should not give him the pleasure of emailing him back and answering something like that...it just doesn't deserve an answer. There is nothing wrong with giving your opinion on his friends as long as you can do it in the right tone of voice....that's what makes the real difference. You would be surprised how differently something can sound if your careful to not sound condesending. I'm sorry that he chose to hurt your feelings rather than maybe take a few moments to let what you said sink in. Has he always treated you like this throughout the relationship or is this just because he's angry? I'm just curious...I haven't been following your story from the very beginning.
Love, Twinkles
P.S. I'm praying for ya!!

March 5, 2006
5:41 pm
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((((((((Twinkles))))))))) You are such a sweetheart! Thank you for your support and kind words about me. I agree with you about the WAY a person presents an opinion that may not be something pleasant for the other person to hear. It's all in the delivery and spirit in which it was intended.

I have been growing and learning as a person for the past 6 years (since my divorce), so that I would hopefully NOT repeat the same mistakes in my life over and over again. I am succeeding in many ways, but still stumbling miserably in others. I am very honest and transparent in my relationships. And I seem to keep picking men who have deep, dark secrets and pasts that have never been dealt with. I am a true codependent and am trying to CHANGE myself in order to live a healthier life.

This guy seemed wonderful in the beginning (don't they all). He was affectionate, gentle, funny, fun-loving, talkative, and so much fun to hang out with. All the things my ex-husband had NOT been. Within 4 months, however, the first red flag appeared where he "slipped" and showed me a different side of his personality. He pretty much flipped out when I questioned him about something that wasn't adding up, he got defensive, got nasty, then took off. On his ride home (he lives an hour away), he called me repeatedly to continue to bless me out, and eventually I quit answering the phone. Then came the tears, the I'm sorrys, the I don't know what came over me, and I wrote it off as a quirky event. After all, 95 percent of the time he was Mr. Wonderful, right? Wrong! The longer we have dated (almost 3 years now), the closer together these little "episodes" have gotten. They usually happen when I try to have some sort of heart to heart with him about how I'm feeling, or something I don't understand about him. I always try to approach him in a non-threatening, calm, rational manner, but the minute I do, he throws up a wall, takes a few pot shots (to deflect the conversation away from the original intent), then hauls ass and leaves, not to be heard from for sometimes days or weeks at a time. The ole silent treatment (to punish me), because he knows I like to talk things out.

Thus, the email (above) was born. I held nothing back. I have tried to be gentle with him before, and *hint* at the things he keeps doing to sabatoge his own life, and he just blows me off. I decided that we are at a crossroads in our relationship, it's either gonna move forward or not, and I needed some answers from him. So I put it all out there. I am fully prepared to move on without him. And I will. I know that I deserve an emotionally mature man that I can count on, not someone who is still playing junior high games. Doesn't make him a bad guy, just not the one for me!

Anyway, I really DO appreciate all you guys who are taking the time to care about MY situation. It means so much:)

Love, plz~

March 6, 2006
12:41 pm
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Update: Silence yesterday, but got to work this morning with this email in my box -- "I guess an apology is out of the question for you. Quit being a snob!"

So is he saying that *I* owe him an apology? I really believe he KNOWS he blew it this time, so he's trying for a reaction.

Well, this fish ain't taking the bait no more!

March 6, 2006
12:46 pm
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(((Plz))),

I have to head back to work so I don't have time for a long response, but I just wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU for not taking the bait.

Your e-mail may have seemed harsh to him but I believe that your intentions were good and were only trying to help him.

If anyone owes an apology it is him for his treatment of you PRIOR to and the REASON FOR the e-mail.

Stick to your guns and stay stong.

I'll check in when I get home later.

Love,
lolli

March 6, 2006
12:50 pm
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Thanks for the vote of confidence, Lolli! Your words are always a comfort to me. I know you know what I am dealing with.

Hope you have a great day! Anything new with you? How are you feeling about things lately? I know you are having to stick to your guns as well, so we'll have to watch each other's back:)

Love ya, plz~

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