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i see i am codependent and in bad relationship
June 13, 2006
4:23 pm
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iamlearning
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I have been in a relationship for 5 yrs. I have tried to manipulate him and control him to be the man i want him to be. A non alcoholic, a man who isnt a lover of porn and strip clubs. I have put all my hobbies and likes aside and lived his life. Like a puppy dog-I follow him around. When we argue, I punish him by leaving. I constantly want him to prove he loves me.I hate the drinking and his temper. Yet I have stayed in the relationship. I wanted out for 5 years but did nothing. Now, he has a 'friend' that he has developed a relationship with. She is a married woman that he works with. They have been meeting secretly and calling each other . I found out it has been going on for abt 9 mths. I have become a master snoop. I got into his email, voicemail. I watch him constantly to see if he is going on the inernet for porn, or to email her or calling her. I check the phone bill online everyday and I always end up getting hurt because I always find proof. He tells me it is over with her but I know he is lying beause i have access to so much ifo that I find out. He still denies it. I am hurt and want to leave him but yet I dont. I feel sorry for him and feel i wil miss him too much. I worry that he will now have more free time to be with this woman and the thought of him having sex with her kills me. He tells me he wants us to work but yet he is still meeting her secretly. He drinks alot and blames me for his drinking. even though he drank ALOT before he met me. Why wont I go? I keep feeling things will get better. The thing is, I know he wont change and that I can never trust him again. I know I will never get past that. Yet, i hang on. I am so afraid to go and be alone. I am so afraid to lose him (???). I keep hagning on to him and I know it is wrong for me. Please help -I need some guidance and to hear how others have dealt with this.

June 13, 2006
4:38 pm
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on my way
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Break-ups are difficult, and 5 years is a long time to be with someone. But ask yourself..where do you want to be in 5 years, and what do you want to be doing? I don't want to be mean, but it sounds as if you are already losing him...and if he is hurting you and denying it, then maybe it is not such a bad idea. Of course i am not in your shoes, but i do know about break-ups and how they can hurt....but i also know about the healing, the reflecting and the growth, and all in all it can be a very positive thing in your life.

June 13, 2006
4:57 pm
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CAMER
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if you know you don't want to be with him...then ask yourself why you are holding onto this dead end relationship.....and is it acceptable for him to have his "other gal" for 9 months??? and be ok with that???

June 13, 2006
6:11 pm
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lightchaser
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I know it is hard, but is this what you want for the rest of your life? you said yourself that he won't change. So . . . this is what you will settle for. A lier, and alcoholic, porn addict who is screwing someone else? There are many reasons why we stay. We stay because we feel so sorry for them. We stay because they tell us they love us. We stay because we are afraid to be alone. We stay because we don't think we will find better and furthermore, we do not deserve better. Knock these excuses over one by one and when you are done you will either find the strength to go or you will stay forever in a life that is hell for you. I don't mean to sound harsh, I just want you to see the magnitude of "Your Whole Life" it is not a small thing to waste. I stayed in a relationship like yours for 13 years (without the cheating that I know of). Don't wait as long as I did. You are better thann the life you are giving yourself. These things do take time, it took be months to find the strength once I realized what was going on and how bad it really was. Don't rush yourself and don't blame yourself. When enough is enough, you will know and you will take action.

June 13, 2006
7:26 pm
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Pambella
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I was in a relationship for five years. Had he been a drinker and physically abusive maybe it would have been easier to leave. He had someone else. It was still the hardest thing I ever did in my life. One morning I woke up and knew I had to go. Breaking the silence is the first step and I applaud you for contacting this website and putting your story here. I couldn't have done that. THere is life on the other side. It may feel a bit like a black hole at first but strength comes. Find out who you can trust and go. I went across the country. I couldn't have gotten too far away, even without the threat of violence. I went where I knew I had full support. You are worth it. Take up one of your old hobbies and get started on it. Something that feeds your soul. Let go of checking the email and phone bills. You know what they will say. Focus on you, now, not him. It's still hard, and even after almost two years away, I still seem surprised when I describe him to others and they recognize his manipulative nature that I had denied. And now that I am trying to have a relationship that is NOT codependent, it is hard, but it is character building and soul building and I know that it is GOOD work.

June 13, 2006
7:40 pm
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iamlearning
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June 13, 2006
10:30 pm
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overandover
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Absolutely. Your are wasting so much of your precious time and energy by proofing only what you already know:) The idea of being alone is (even to me) very scary but it seems he may be emotionally involved with the co-worker from work. Which in my opinion is the worst. I am currently in a co-dependent relationship the only different with this one from the last is that it isnt' abusive. Still getting NOTHING out of it. I think that is routine blaming you for their drinking - as if.

June 13, 2006
10:37 pm
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Jenni
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I, too, have gone thru what you are going thru, now.

This is what I have figured out, since being alone, again.

I wasn't afraid of being alone. I was afraid of being "without him".

But I'm finding out that it's not so bad. Infact, it is better. We can not "fix" someone. Nor can we "save" them. And besides, it's not OUR job. It's theirs.

Look into Al-Anon. That was where I found my moment of truth and strength! I also wish that I would have had a place like this to come to, back then.

(((HUGS)))

Jen

June 14, 2006
11:51 am
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iamlearning
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Thank you all so much for the responses. You are so right and I know it. I keep telling myself that if I leave him I will be hurting him. I also know that my thinking that is wrong. It seems i know all these things but still stay. It is tru that I am really afraid of 'being withoout him'. That makes sense to me...I kept telling myself that I am afraid of being alone...but my fear is really in losing him. I look at him and I want to hug him ..then i snoop, find things out and hurt myself over nd over again. I dont confront him but I get hurt and cry. He calls her on his way in to work and on his way home. She leaves him voicemails on his work phone at night. makes me sick. I find that in additon to my co dependency, I am an obessive lover because I hang on his every word and calls and emails. How sick am I? The thing is, i wanted out of the relaitonship before his friend came into the picture-now the rejection has thrown me for a loop and my obsessiveness has kicked in. I am so frustrated with what I feel and my lack of action..I want action but I stay here...I hate that

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