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I saw a little boy murdered
September 4, 2006
2:44 pm
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bigmomma
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Hi

I don't know what i expect to hear, i don't tell anyone about this. When I was 9 years old I saw a little black boy the same age as me get murdered by the KKK. Since then I have had nightmares everynight i see the fire and the little boy and his tears and i get sooo scared now i think i subconciously focus on caretaking because i couldn't do anything about helping him back then, Do you think thats a crazy idea?

September 4, 2006
3:11 pm
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I don't think that's crazy at all. What a horrible trauma!! Have you ever talked with a counsellor about it?

It absolutely amazes me, the hideous things that humans are capable of doing. But equally amazing is the way that humans are also capable of surviving trauma and turning it into something good. It's amazing that people oppressed with such brutality were able to resist non-violently (thinking here of both MLK and the civil rights movement in the US, as well as Gandhi and the non-violent resistance in India, which won them their independence from the British raj) and bring good out of evil.

Bigmomma, that is an extremely significant life event that you expereienced. I hope that you can turn it to good, which it sounds like you have been trying to do.

my best thoughts and wishes to you. kroika

September 4, 2006
3:15 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear God, what a horrible world we live in....and what a dreadful trauma you have survived! God have mercy on that poor child's soul. And grant you full healing and recovery from such a horror. You have probably lived with the fear of it, suffocating you all your life.

I will be keeping you in my prayers.

- Strong

September 4, 2006
3:53 pm
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Juanita
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Dear Bigmomma,

You suffered and witnessed a horrible event! The fact that you still having nightly nightmares about it makes me suggest you seek some counseling or therapy for this. It seems way too much for a 9 yr old to handle what you witnessed. Heaven have mercy...

You are a caretaker? How wonderful... to turn something bad into motivation for something so good. I hope you enjoy your profession & it helps you to feel better in & with life.

I don't know what else to say except I think the inner child in you still needs some help with this. Please consider the counseling idea.

May Peace be with you & grant you sweeter dreams ~

Juanita

September 4, 2006
5:06 pm
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Anonymous
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Bigmomma

What a shocking story, and how troubling for you to bear this pain all these years.

It reminds us what a sad world this can be...that the world is in need of healing. I hate the word "hate." There is so much of it in our world, often based on power, ignorance, and misguided ideals. We see it in small doses in everyday life. We see it in world crises on the news, and feel almost detached and immune. Your story reminds of our responsibility to live peaceful, respectful, humane, loving, lives, and never forget or condone the atrocities and holocausts that happen all over the world, even on our on soil.

I don't think your ideas are crazy at all, and the post traumatic stress you have endured and survived is monumental.

I hope you have gotten professional help for this. I think you have found some way to reach out to others in your pain. I hope your faith helps you.

Thank you for reminding me how small my own troubles are, and that I must always be a model for peace, love, and serenity. I wish for you serenity and meaning as you carry on your journey through this life with the memory of what you survived.

P&L

September 4, 2006
9:11 pm
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bigmomma
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Everyone i thank you very much. I am going to try and seek counsel it just scares me a little to take that step, but i am 22 years old now and my life has been turned upside down i really want help i was doing ok i thought but then i married a man who tried to kill me and the nightmares got worse, i just want this madness in my mind to stop I hope counselling can help. Thank you all so much , it is such a relief to get it out for the first time and know that ppl in the world do still have some compassion.
Thank you

September 4, 2006
9:53 pm
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skyess
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god, bless you, and yes, write or talk that out, perhaps here.

September 4, 2006
10:30 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Bigmomma,

Its not your fault that you couldn't save him. This is a terrible burden for you to carry all these years. I am glad that you have been able to share this with us and get some releif. There are such horrible things in this world but they are also balanced out by very wonderful things. You have seen more than your share of violence and hatred in your life- and you are so young. And yet through all of this you have survived and still strive to find peace and serenity. It is out there and I know you will find it. Leaving your ex and now sharing this are all steps on the right path to leaving all of this behind you.
Stay strong... we are here to support you. You are worthy and deserving of a healthy, good life free from abuse and violence.

September 5, 2006
9:12 am
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smarterone
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god bless yu and i hope you find peace.

September 5, 2006
10:29 am
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Anonymous
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You so deserve some peace, if it helps, I think the little boy is being taken care now in a better place.

September 5, 2006
8:40 pm
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doubleloss
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bigmomma. that is a brutal burden for anyone to bear and i think even worse for a child. i hope you can go to therapy and deal with the horror you witnessed, that marked you and changed you forever. blessings to you in everything you do.

September 5, 2006
11:39 pm
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bigmomma,

It would be hard to comprehend the horrendous behavior you witnessed. Such a thing might have an deep and lifelong impression on many people, but not everyone would convert it into the desire to nurture. Some might just let it eat away at them. It is a beautiful thing that you want to focus on caregiving, not a crazy thing.

I hope you allow room for those you care for and love to love you in return.

hugs
-ella

September 6, 2006
4:07 pm
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realitygirl
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That was a terrible thing for you to witness. I hope you find some peace, maybe you could contact the cold case squad at your police dept, and tell them what you saw. It might make you feel better.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

September 7, 2006
1:07 am
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Anonymous
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(((bigmomma)))

Bad things are still happening in the world. I hope you can recover from this and find inspiration in others who recover from their woes. I think of the present day holocaust in Africa... So bad. We each are equipped to deal with only so much. Your quota is definitely overboard. Especially having tried to make it go away for so long. Youre young. Get help. Have faith.

September 7, 2006
2:47 pm
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gracenotes
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bigmomma,

Oh, I am so glad you were able to share this here for the first time. Did you ever talk to the police about this? I agree with realitygirl that that might be a positive step too.

Please, keep sharing here and do try to find a therapist. In fact, at least in my state, you may be able to get free counseling through a victim program for those who have been involved in crimes. You were a witness to this. I believe it is free and goes on for quite a while. Maybe the police department could direct you or you could search the internet, and you would find a therapist who specializes in this area.

To me, it seems that the fact that you were with a man who was murderous says that this trauma you experienced, and then the fact that you attracted a man into your life who had murder on his mind means that there's some work to do. Doing some therapy work might help you find some more resolution and help with all the nightmares, etc.

September 7, 2006
10:59 pm
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bigmomma
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Thank you all,

I like the idea about talking to the police(cold case) it may really help me heal. The only thing is i live in Ontario now and it happened in North Carolina, i don't know how to start. What would you suggest?

September 7, 2006
11:38 pm
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atalose
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Bigmomma,
What a tramatic incident to have witnessed. I think talking about it certainly will help you resolve all the feelings you have about it and may help you come to terms with it all, counseling is a great idea. I would suggest you contact the local police in the town where this horriable incident happened.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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